Just One Second
by tracyh
Summary: One moment, one choice, one decision, can have consequences for all the other moments, choices and decisions that follow. They can also have consequences that Meredith and Derek would never expect. A story of how just one second can change a life.
1. Chapter 1

**Just One Second**

A/N Yet another fic following on from the season finale. Though the various relationship disasters were a shock, I suppose the good thing is that at least there have been enough loose ends for us to use as inspiration for our writing.

I want to try something different with this, a story that is probably more involved and maybe more complex than I would usually write, though the main crux of it is still the emotional issues I love writing so much. I think most of the characters in Grey's are all such emotional cripples they beg to be written about. As this is going to be somewhat more involved and complicated, I would really appreciate your feedback in reviews. My ego and confidence need it. I'd love to have sufficient confidence just to say read and enjoy, but I don't, so please, read, enjoy and review.

Disclaimer: Shonda says I don't own Grey's Anatomy, but she's happy to let me play with McDreamy for a while….which, in the words of Meredith Grey, 'sounds vaguely dirty, but isn't'.

'_It's over_…._So over'._

Derek could still hear those words in his head. He tried to tell himself that she was talking about the wedding. As the Maid of Honour, she'd had to tell all the guests the wedding was off, and in typical Meredith style, she'd done that. Her monosyllabic, low tone left no room for doubt. The wedding was off, the guests could go home. It was over. So why did her voice keep replaying in his mind and why, every time it replayed, did his guts try to tie themselves in knots, and his chest constrict until he felt like even the effort of breathing would break him?

He knew. He knew exactly what she meant. It wasn't just the wedding that was over.

Derek Shepherd had been sitting in the fading light, on the steps that led up to his trailer for what seemed like hours. He still wore the black suit he'd worn to the wedding, except now the white rose in his lapel had gone brown at the edges and shrivelled until it was a poor reflection of what it had been earlier in the day. Derek glanced down at the rose, hanging limply in his buttonhole and knew how it felt. After today he felt shrivelled and worn out too. It was obviously a day for it.

Soon Derek gave up staring at the rose, seeming to realise that he couldn't bring it back to its former glory just by watching it. Instead, he dragged his jacket and tie off, and undid the top button of his white shirt, which, since the wedding, had seemed intent on trying to strangle him to death. He wouldn't let himself question whether it really was the button or whether it was the lump in his throat that he'd been unable to shift since he'd watched Meredith walk back down the aisle. Either way, he didn't care; the result was still the same. He felt like he was suffocating…drowning.

Derek reached for the bottle of scotch he'd picked up on the way back from the wedding, or rather, the wedding that wasn't. Just for a second he allowed a wry smile to break through. At least he wasn't the only one who was alone after today. Burke and Christina were over too, or so it seemed. The smile vanished as quickly as it appeared. He opened the scotch bottle and, not bothering to go inside for a glass, he took a large swig, allowing the familiar heat of the amber liquid to crawl through his system.

As he sat, Derek tried to think back to the moment when everything changed. Immediately he was taken back a few weeks. In his mind he could still see his girlfriend, Meredith Grey, blue and cold, after he'd dragged her out of the Elliott Bay. Blue, cold and…._dead_. He knew, even now, in the cool, still air of this night, the sight of Meredith that day, her skin chalky white, with a blue hue running through her, would stay with him for as long as he lived. Weeks later, every time he closed his eyes he could see her in the water, her little body floating like a washed out rag doll, her hair splayed out around her like some perverse sort of halo.

Derek remembered that day vividly. Every second of it was etched interminably on his brain. He could still recall the moment where he found her in the water, floating, face down at first, until, with freezing hands, and arms screaming with pain from the cold, he turned her over. He still felt the overwhelming relief that he'd found her, before the realisation that she wasn't breathing kicked in and he'd slipped into auto-pilot, his skills as a doctor briefly holding the terror of a man trying to save the woman he loved, at bay.

The long hours following, hours where he'd been forced to wait while other people worked on her in the hospital, still sent a chill through his body. Not being allowed to be part of her trauma team, or even stay in the room with her, stirred up the sense of panic he'd successfully held back whilst he was trying to revive her. It consumed him, until all that he felt was the wild beating of his heart. He remembered pacing, and sharp, panting attempts to breathe that seemed to fill him with one thought. _Meredith_.

Then, hours later, after he'd yelled at Meredith's Alzheimer's suffering mother, who was in the hospital awaiting heart surgery, and ended up desperately trying to revive her when she arrested, only to fail and lose her, Derek took refuge in an on-call room. He couldn't clear his mind of the thought that Ellis Grey, Meredith's mother was dead, and for all he knew Meredith could be too, his Meredith could be gone forever. The thought filled him with a sort of terror that he would never have thought possible. Even his father's sudden death from a brain haemorrhage when Derek was ten couldn't have prepared him for this, this feeling every time he heard a sound outside the room. Every unknown footstep, every passing voice, made his stomach leap almost into the back of his throat and his heart pound to the point where it hurt. He wanted to run, escape from the news that would surely come. It had been hours, and even though she was cold, like a block of ice when they arrived at the hospital, there would almost certainly come a time when the Chief made the decision that enough was enough and he'd have to call time….

Looking back on it now, Derek thought it ironic that every sound he'd heard while he'd been staying out of the way in the on-call room made him jump violently, but then, when the door suddenly clicked open he didn't even hear it. Maybe he just didn't want to hear it so he hadn't, or maybe the thought of spending the rest of his life without Meredith prevented him from taking in anything else. Either way, he suddenly realised Miranda Bailey was in the room, staring down at him from where he lay on a hard, uncomfortable bed. Derek stared at her for what seemed like an eternity, unable to take any sort of signal from the Resident's face.

Derek remembered sitting up, almost automatically. It was as if everything was suddenly going in slow motion. He registered Miranda sitting herself down beside him. Then she opened her mouth. Derek looked at her, watched her lips move, but seemed incapable of understanding what she was saying. The only thing in his head was that Miranda Bailey was here to tell him that the Chief had just called time of death and Meredith was gone. Even as he thought it, it seemed like some far off thing that he was watching happening to someone else. He felt like he was floating somewhere, trying to catch up with Meredith, but every time he thought he was getting close, she'd slip further away, out of his reach. It made him want to scream and throw things.

Suddenly, Derek was aware of Miranda grasping his face in her hands. She'd moved so she was kneeling on the floor directly in front of him, where he sat on the side of the bed. She tilted his head so that he had to look her in the eye. That seemed to stir something inside him. He wanted to turn away, tried to, but Miranda pulled his face back to meet hers. She was speaking again, holding his face so tight that he had no choice but to hear her.

'Did you hear me Derek?' Miranda asked, her no nonsense voice demanding his attention. He blinked and swallowed. His heart raced. 'I said we got her back Derek, Meredith's back, she's alive'. Miranda went on, never loosing her hold on her boss's face.

For hours afterwards Derek was sure that in that split second after Miranda spoke and his brain processed the words, he'd gone completely insane. He remembered gawking at her, staring like she was some weird thing he couldn't work out, a science experiment that had gone wrong, or some other equally bizarre thing. He felt his mouth fall open in a gape more reminiscent of a pubescent boy than a world renowned neurosurgeon. Then his brain caught up with his ears. Meredith was alive, she'd come back. She was alive. The reality dawned on him slowly. It felt like the fuzziness that surrounded him first thing in the morning when he woke, a sleepy sensation that only lifted with his first sight, sound and smell of the woman who slept, snoring peacefully, spooned in his arms. She was alive.

Derek remembered finding his voice. 'Are you….Are you sure?' he asked uncertainly, his voice sounding much higher than normal. He couldn't work out where the doubt had come from. Miranda had said Meredith was back, looked him straight in the eye and said it, so why did he doubt?

Miranda let go of Derek's face and sat back down on the bed beside him. She turned slightly and faced him again. 'Of course I'm sure! What? You think I'm saying it for the good of my health? Stupid, stupid brain surgeon!' She yelled at him, just like she did on any other perfectly normal day at Seattle Grace.

Derek suddenly found himself grinning, all the fear from the last few hours disappearing for a moment. 'Miranda, I am your boss, remember?' he said, his usual comeback for one of Bailey's bursts of fury at whatever act of stupidity she suspected him of committing. Derek smiled inwardly at the thought that so often she'd spoken to him like that when she suspected him of doing something stupid involving Meredith. Meredith, who was alive. It was as if the truth was only now beginning to dawn on him. She was alive.

Miranda Bailey glared, 'You're a stupid brain surgeon!' she cried, 'I tell you your girlfriend is alive and you ask me if I'm sure, where do you think I got my medical degree, Mexico?' she demanded disdainfully.

Derek ignored what Miranda said and allowed the reality to finally sink right in. Meredith was alive. Then the hours they'd spent fighting for her life came back to him. He knew what that could mean. It was his job to know. He had to ask. 'Is she…She was down for hours Miranda. Is she….her brain function…' He couldn't finish. Didn't dare voice the fear that Meredith might be brain damaged from all the time she'd spent without oxygen.

Miranda nodded, knowing what Derek was trying to say. 'Well, we haven't run tests, but when I saw her last she was still in the trauma room and she was talking to Christina Yang. So, if she can speak and understand, I think we can say she's been lucky'.

Lucky. Derek absorbed the word. Meredith had been dead, clinically dead, for over three hours, she'd spent God only knows how long with no oxygen, under water, and she was alive. She was alive and talking to Christina Yang. Lucky didn't even get close.

Miranda spoke again, pulling Derek out of his thoughts. 'She'll be moved to a room of her own soon. She looks exhausted, which is what you'd expect from the trauma, so if I were you I'd let her sleep for a while before you see her. Let her take a break and take a moment for yourself too, you look like crap'.

Miranda threw in another glare, which didn't convince Derek for a second. She was as happy that Meredith had pulled through as him…_almost._ He considered what she said. He wanted to argue and run off to find Meredith right now. Hadn't he been without her long enough? Then he thought of everything her body had been through, the water, the cold, the hours of sustained resuscitation. She would be exhausted. He toyed with the idea of just sitting with her while she slept, but he knew that if he saw her now he'd have to wake her, just to be sure she was really all right. So, forcing himself to stay where he was, he made the decision to let Meredith get a little sleep before he went to see her. 'You're right, I'll let her sleep, she'll need the rest after…everything'. He hesitated over the words, refusing to go over the memories of this day, at least just now. No, all he wanted to do now was sit here and take in the fact that Meredith was alive.

Miranda nodded and rose from the bed. 'Good. I'll let you know her room number as soon as she's moved' she stepped towards the door as she spoke. Then, as she went to take the door handle into her hand to leave the room she turned back and faced Derek once more. 'Derek?' She said his name as a question, totally unlike any other way he'd ever heard her say it before. He turned his eyes towards her. Miranda stood still, looking her boss in the eye again. 'I used to think you were fooling around, using Grey as a sick way of affirming your masculinity' she raised her hand to silence Derek who opened his mouth to protest. She sighed, 'Now, after today, I can see what she means to you. You really do love my intern, don't you?'

Derek sighed, his shoulders drooping heavily. He felt so tired all of a sudden. But then Miranda's words washed over him and he smiled. 'Yes Miranda, I love your intern very, very much' he replied firmly, wanting her to know he meant it.

Miranda Bailey nodded and left the room. It was only when the door clicked shut behind her that everything seemed to crash over Derek Shepherd. The sight of Meredith in the freezing water, the attempt he made to revive her, the hours of waiting for news, and now this, the realisation that she was alive. Derek turned over onto his side, pulled his knees up so that they practically reached his chest and burst into tears.

A/N There we are, I think this will do for the first chapter, though in a sense, chapter two will continue almost from where this finishes. You'll notice that I'm switching a fair bit between past and present in this. I hope that doesn't confuse you. It is something I'll do for at least the first couple of chapters. You should also be aware that this won't be a one-shot or even a short story. I have no idea as yet how long it will be, but expect it to be long, and don't expect it to be a typical MerDer story. There's many a twist in the road to go yet. I should like to quickly say thanks to the brilliant AriaAdagio, who treats us all with wonderful fics like Standing On Solid Ground, and Lightening Strikes Twice, who, when I put my idea for this fic to her, encouraged me to go for it. Anyway, please review, it makes me happy.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N Thank you so much for the reviews for the first chapter, all of which encourage me to continue….so I will. More reviews would be nice, they are a great way to find out what people like or dislike, but I don't want to nag. This story really is just beginning, so I have time….and so do you.

I have to say, I couldn't resist writing the scene in the first chapter where Derek is told Meredith is alive. If there was one scene missing from the ferry arc story, it was that. Besides, 'missing' scenes are always fun to write. Anyway, onward! Please read and review.

Christina Yang had cried for hours after the wedding. Meredith had let herself in to the apartment and found her friend looking for any sign that Burke would be back. She couldn't find anything. Meredith tried to convince her that maybe he hadn't gone, maybe he'd be back, but Christina knew. His trumpet, his entire Eugene Foot collection, his lucky scrub cap were all gone. It was over.

The finality of it seemed to hit Christina like a body blow. One minute she was looking for Burke's things and the next she was a wreck, trying to drag the choker she wore from around her neck and struggling to free herself from her wedding dress. Soon she was hysterical, sobbing, her breath coming in short, painful gasps. Still she struggled with the fastenings on the dress. Hands that barely weeks before had mastered a running web stitch now shook as they tried to undo the zip on the back of her wedding dress. Meredith automatically picked up a pair of scissors and cut her friend out of the outfit. Once she was free, Christina sobbed harder, the removal of the constricting dress giving her lungs more room to gasp for air as she cried. She stood in her underwear in the middle of her apartment, crying as if her heart was broken. Instinctively, Meredith reached out, grasped Christina from behind and held her while she sobbed. She blinked away any tears that came into her own eyes. It was too late for that. It was all too late.

Eventually Christina wore herself out and Meredith guided her to bed, helping her to finish undressing before tucking her in as if she was a child. They exchanged no words, the only acknowledgement Christina gave to Meredith's presence came when Meredith moved to tuck a blanket around her friend's slight body. Christina reached out, grasped Meredith's hand and gripped, just for the fraction of a second. Their eyes locked briefly before Christina let go, rolled over and went to sleep. Meredith left the room quietly, closing the sliding door between the bedroom and the rest of the living space, softly behind her.

Meredith sat down at the table in the kitchen. She knew she couldn't go home. Christina needed her. She couldn't go home and risk her friend waking in the night and finding herself all alone.

_Alone_.

The word seemed to hang in the air after she'd thought it, like a thought bubble in a cartoon. It seemed to stick in Meredith's head. Christina was alone. Burke was gone. They were over.

Meredith sat in Christina's apartment and allowed the silence to wash over her.

'_Don't you see, don't you understand? You're the love of my life_'.

Meredith heard the words in her head. Suddenly it was as if Derek was standing in front of her again in the locker room. He was saying things. He was saying good things, perfect things, and all she wanted to do was run. Christina was getting married. It was a sign. If Christina could do this, if she could marry Burke, then it was a sign that everything hadn't turned to crap. It was a sign that it was possible to be happy. Christina's wedding was supposed to be a sign for Meredith that she could have something for herself, and that she was allowed to be happy with someone she loved. It was a sign that people don't always leave.

It was over. Burke was gone, Christina's wedding dress lay in abandoned white ribbons on her living room floor, exactly where they'd fallen when Meredith cut her out of the dress earlier, and Derek….

Meredith wondered how everything could have just turned around so fast. One minute she was back with Derek, after Addison and Finn and…the mess. They were happy. For the first time since they'd started this thing they were happy. All the months apart, the wife, the guilt, the inappropriate men, the vet and the endless glasses of tequila were gone. The only problems they had were her snoring and his morning breath. They were happy.

Then her father was at the hospital all the time visiting his baby granddaughter. He was there, all the time, with Molly, one of his daughters from his second marriage and her sick baby. His wife was there too, trying to include Meredith in the family. Meredith could see now, Susan was trying to be kind. She was trying to build a bridge between Meredith and the father who left when she was five. Susan tried to talk about Lexie, obviously thinking that finding common ground with Meredith would help. It didn't. Hearing how proud Thatcher was of another daughter who had just graduated from Medical School was just another reminder of all the time he hadn't been there for her. It proved that he didn't care about her. She was nothing more than a figure from his past. He had left and now he had another family, one Meredith _would_ never, _could_ never, be part of.

Then there was her mother. Her mother who had never really wanted her, the mother who had kept box after box of video recordings of her finest hours as a surgeon, but only one small photo album of pictures of her family. There was her mother with early-onset Alzheimer's, who remembered an illicit affair from the days of her residency more clearly than she remembered who her daughter was. There was her mother, who on the first day for five years that she was lucid, told Meredith she was ordinary.

Drowning in Elliott Bay was supposed to change everything. The three hours she'd spent somewhere between life and death were supposed to make a difference. She'd promised herself that from now on she was going to be better. She wanted to be alive. She was going to try. She was going to be happy. Giving up in the water had been stupid, really stupid. Now she had a second chance and she wasn't going to blow it.

When she was dead she'd seen things. She'd seen people, people she'd met before, patients who'd died. They made her see she had a reason to go back, she couldn't just give up. Then her mother suddenly appeared. When they parted for the final time Meredith felt closer to her mother than she'd ever been in life. All the sharp words and put-downs were gone. All that was left was a mother holding her child in one last embrace before telling her to run. Meredith knew it was a sign that she could go back and start again. She had Derek and Christina and her other friends. She could go back. She could undo the mistake she'd made in giving up in the water and no one would ever need to know what she'd done. She was going to be happy.

For a while Meredith meant it. She even swallowed her pride and made an effort with her father. That didn't go so well, especially when over dinner, he was talking about a photograph from years before that he was sure was Molly as a little girl. Meredith knew she probably should have kept her mouth shut. It was just a stupid photograph. Once he'd realised he'd made a mistake the atmosphere had become uncomfortable. He saw the swing outside the house was still there, she'd told him it wouldn't swing any more and he reached over and pulled a pin out from the mechanism. He told her she kept trapping her fingers in it when she was a little girl. Immediately the old swing creaked back to life, moving back and forth like a pendulum. Somehow it was a sign to Meredith that he had cared once, but somewhere along the line they'd lost each other.

The dinner was a success in that it brought Meredith closer to Susan, her father's second wife. Meredith was wary at first. She'd had a mother, she didn't need another one. But Susan persisted, wouldn't back away, even when Meredith was rude. When, just a while later, Susan was admitted to hospital, Meredith was sure everything would be fine.

Susan died. She'd been admitted to Seattle Grace with hiccups and she'd died from sepsis. It didn't make sense. Suddenly it was as if everything crashed around Meredith. Her father, her mother and Susan were all gone, her father was alive, but he was gone just as surely as Susan and her mother. He blamed her for Susan's death, slapped her and told her she wasn't wanted at the funeral. He was gone.

All the time since she'd drowned, weeks when she was trying to be happy, folded around her like a house of cards collapses under pressure. She shut down. Even her intern exam hadn't pulled her back from the abyss she had fallen into. If it hadn't been for the Chief allowing her to re-take the exam, she'd have lost her place at Seattle Grace and her career would now be over.

'_Don't you see, don't you understand? You're the love of my life_'

Derek had stood in the locker room and said that. He told her he couldn't break up with her, he was in this. She was the love of his life. She could see him begging her with his eyes, asking her to either be in this or put him out of his misery. The intensity of his gaze frightened her. After everything she couldn't just turn around and believe that everything would turn out right. Things like that happened in fairy tales, not to her. She needed a sign that would show her she could be happy with him. She needed Christina to get married.

The wedding went wrong. Meredith knew what it meant. As much as she loved him, she couldn't have Derek. So she walked down the aisle and told the guests they could go home. It was over. The look on Derek's face told her he knew what she meant. She wasn't just talking about the wedding. They were over.

A/N Well, there was a happy chapter folks! Sorry about that, our Meredith isn't exactly a chirpy little soul is she? I hope you can see where I'm coming from with this. I'm trying to show that Derek and Meredith are approaching their problems from different sides. Derek focuses on the drowning; he thinks that is the key to their issues. However, for Meredith it is more complicated. The drowning could have been something that changed her for the better, but then everything else crashed around her and she lost all hope. She loves Derek, really loves him, but she knows how things go when she loves people. They leave her. She won't allow herself to take a chance. Pushing Derek away is easier than taking a risk. More soonish. Even more soonish if you review.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N It's a lovely, sunny afternoon and here I am at the PC writing. Do I deserve a medal? No, just reviews will do.

Derek remained on the steps of the trailer, drinking his way down the bottle of scotch beside him. The alcohol was just beginning to dull his senses. He was warm, despite the drop in temperature of the night air as it settled around him. He felt slightly sleepy, vaguely numb. However, the soporific effect of the strong liquor couldn't dull the ache he felt inside every time he pictured Meredith walking away from him down that aisle. If anything, it heightened his awareness of the loss of her. He remembered all the times when she'd sat here with him, sharing a bottle of beer.

Derek had always enjoyed watching Meredith drink. Most women would ask for a glass and take delicate little sips. Not Meredith. No, Meredith would tilt her head back and take huge mouthfuls, before handing him the bottle to finish, with an innocent smile on her face, as if she was embarrassed she'd accidentally drunk too much and left him with the dregs. He never cared; besides, there were ways of making Meredith pay that he enjoyed far more than any beer. They usually involved getting her into the trailer and helping her out of her clothes.

Derek was yanked from his thoughts when the dazzle of headlights caught his eyes. He blinked, trying to work out who was here at this time of night. He couldn't make out the car clearly through the glare of the light in his eyes. He closed his eyes just for a moment, trying to clear his head of the brightness of the headlights, and the numbing effect of the scotch. He heard a car door slam, followed by a voice, and suddenly he knew who it was.

'I hate this trailer!' The voice cried sharply. 'I pay a fortune for shoes for a wedding that doesn't happen, and then I come out here, to the middle of nowhere and ruin a pair of perfectly good Jimmy Choo's all for…For whatever the hell I'm doing!' The voice continued to rant, each word getting louder and more frustrated, as her heels stuck in the ground.

Derek sat listening to this outburst and sighed. This day could not get worse.

'I mean, who wants to live in the middle of nowhere? Other people, normal people, buy houses, or apartments, or find nice, clean, mud-free hotel rooms to live in, but oh no! _He _has to live in a trailer, because he's turned into Davey freaking Crockett, or he's having a mid-life crisis or…whatever it is he thinks he's doing!'

'Addison'. Derek spoke as soon as the source of the rant came into view. 'What are you doing here?' He released another sigh and resisted the urge to take another swig of scotch…or finish the bottle. He didn't need this, not tonight.

Addison Montgomery appeared, looking rather less immaculate than usual. The shoes she'd just been loudly complaining about were caked in thick mud. Though the night was dry, it rained so much in Seattle that the earth around the trailer never got chance to dry out completely before it was wet again, and Addison's shoes had paid the price. Her pale blue dress was splattered in dots of wet, brown patches, presumably, Derek thought, from where she'd got out of her car and walked straight into a puddle. To add to this altogether dishevelled appearance, Addison's hair, which had once been in a tight bun, was now starting to fall around her face in fiery wisps. She looked completely opposite to the perfect, cool appearance she usually cultivated.

'Addison, what are you doing here?' Derek asked again, struggling not to sound irritated. 'You don't live here any more, remember?'

Addison stepped unsteadily closer towards Derek. 'Of course I remember, and I also remember why I hate this trailer, I mean, why do you want to live surrounded by all this…this…'

'Mud?' Derek supplied, raising an eyebrow. She really did look a mess. Months before he'd have thought this was hilarious and would have told her that karma was indeed a beautiful thing. Now he was too exhausted to care.

For reply Addison sat down beside Derek on the trailer steps, shoving him slightly to make room for her. He grunted and shifted over. He really didn't need this. Not now. 'So, are you going to tell me what you're doing here, or do I have to guess?' Derek asked, looking straight ahead, as if Addison wasn't there. He wished she wasn't. He wanted to be alone. No….he wanted to be sitting here with Meredith, but…

Addison Montgomery turned her head so she could look at her ex-husband. She could smell the scotch on his breath. He'd obviously drunk most of the half empty bottle he was now nursing in his hand since he'd come back from the wedding. Something was wrong with him. She'd known him long enough to know even before he told her. Derek liked to drink, but he never sat and drank half bottles of scotch straight off. At least he hadn't when….

'I saw Meredith.' Addison answered Derek's earlier question, the words coming out as if by accident. She'd meant to say she was worried about him, she'd seen him at the church before the wedding ceremony was supposed to start, and even the distant sight of him told her something was wrong. She knew Derek Shepherd. They might be divorced, they might have gone through adultery and separation and all the recriminations in between, they might have lived virtually separate lives in New York, before Mark and that stupid, stupid night, but still, she knew him.

'When?' Derek demanded. 'Was she all right?' He took in a sharp breath as his heart began to race.

Addison sighed. Meredith Grey. The woman her ex-husband loved. The woman he'd left to try to save their marriage, even though trying was the last thing he really wanted to do. The woman he looked at like she was everything in the world to him and he needed her just to feel alive.

'I…I meant I saw her when she walked down the aisle when she told us it was over.' The urgency of Derek's tone as he'd asked about Meredith shook Addison for a second. She still found it hard to adjust to the intensity of Derek's feelings for Meredith Grey. She'd known for a long time that he'd never felt even half as deeply for her, but the strength of his feelings for the little intern could still shock her. Still, she pushed the thought away. She hadn't come here to rake over the past. 'I thought something was wrong, she looked….'

'She broke up with me,' Derek interrupted, taking a large gulp of scotch as soon as he finished speaking. He really did not want this discussion.

Addison moved so swiftly she almost knocked herself off the step she'd been sitting on. Instinctively Derek grabbed her, not uttering a word. Addison collected herself before she could speak. Derek had taken her by surprise. Meredith had broken up with him? It didn't make sense. She turned a little so that she could see him more clearly, so that she could see his face. 'She…She…What?' Addison shuddered at how stupid she sounded. She couldn't believe it. Meredith had broken up with him?

Derek Shepherd sighed deeply. 'She broke up with me…I think' he added, almost like an afterthought.

Addison blinked and tried to clear her thoughts. 'What are you talking about? You must know if she broke up with you or not, so, did she?' Addison couldn't believe she was having this conversation with Derek, about Meredith Grey of all people. It was surreal. But there was something wrong with him, she could see it at the church, and she'd had to know what it was. Well now she knew. Meredith had broken up with him. He thought she had, at least.

Derek released a short, wry laugh that didn't sound remotely amused. 'Oh, I _do_ know. She broke up with me. I told her she's the love of my life and….sorry'. He suddenly seemed to remember that he was talking to his ex-wife. Telling your ex-wife that your girlfriend…_ex_-girlfriend, he reminded himself….was the love of your life was unkind and tactless…and true. Even now, it was true.

Addison Montgomery shook her head as Derek moved a little to face her. She could see he hadn't meant to be thoughtless. He'd just said how he felt. It didn't even surprise her. She'd known Meredith Grey was the love of Derek's life probably even before he did. She placed a hand on Derek's arm gently. 'It's okay. You don't need to apologise, not any more', she said softly. 'So, tell me, what happened?'

Derek looked back at Addison as she sat, waiting for him to answer her question. He looked into her eyes and saw that she wasn't trying to pry. She wouldn't be going back to the hospital and spreading this around. No, as Derek Shepherd looked at his ex-wife, all he saw was concern. But still, she _was_ his _ex-wife_. He didn't want to discuss Meredith with her. At the moment he didn't want to discuss Meredith with _anyone_. All he wanted to do was sit here, get very drunk and then go to sleep, assuming the invasion of raccoons had mercy on him tonight and left him alone. He sighed deeply and shook his head. 'Look Addison, I know you're trying to help, but I really don't want to talk about it, I just….'

'Running away again Derek?' Addison cut across him abruptly, taking her hand away from his arm quickly.

Derek Shepherd blinked. It took his brain a second to take in what Addison had said. He stared at her, knowing his mouth was open, just a little, but too stunned to close it. Then, suddenly, he was standing. He had no recollection of getting up. All he knew was that now he was on his feet, and he was angry. He began to pace a little as he glared at Addison, his face flushing with fury. 'I am _not_ running away!' he yelled, 'I was there! I was there, in the damned locker room, spilling my guts to her and all she could do was stand there and tell me she had to go! Apparently Christina Yang's wedding was more important to her than our relationship! Then, if that wasn't enough, she stood in front of everyone and broke up with me!' Addison opened her mouth to speak, but Derek waved a hand to stop her. He was on a roll. 'Don't even bother to tell me she was talking about the wedding being over, because she wasn't! She was talking about us! Meredith broke up with me in a roomful of people we both have to work with every day! God, by the end of tomorrow the whole hospital will have heard about it!'

Addison Montgomery sat and listened while Derek raged. She couldn't take in what he was saying. Surely he couldn't believe that Meredith was talking about them when she said it was over? She had to be talking about the wedding. Then she took her mind back to the wedding, the way Meredith had walked up the aisle and told the guests they could go home, it was over. She'd looked across at Derek before she spoke, and then she'd said the words, before walking back down the aisle again.

Addison remembered turning in the pew she was sitting in and watching the young intern walk away. Instinct told her that something wasn't right. Meredith seemed strange, as if she was cut off, distant from everything going on around her. Addison had told herself for a second that Meredith was probably upset for Christina, after all, they were good friends. But now, as she sat, she remembered the way Derek looked even before the service had begun. He seemed upset, almost like he was struggling to hold his emotions in check. Now Addison knew why. He'd told Meredith Grey that she was the love of his life and she'd turned around and broken up with him. It was no wonder he was yelling.

Addison had known Derek long enough to know that he didn't put all his feelings into words that often. He felt things, he felt things deeply, but he didn't let it all out that much. She thought back to the earliest days of their own relationship, when they were at Medical School. They were happy, but even then, Derek had never really opened up and shared his feelings. Oh, in bed, when they made love, he'd tell her he loved her and that she was everything to him, but in the cold light of day he clammed up, preferring to show his feelings by holding her hand under the desk in classes they shared, or smiling at her secretly behind textbooks. But now, he had gone to Meredith Grey and opened his heart and she'd broken up with him. It was crazy. There had to be a reason for it somewhere. She was pulled from her thoughts when she realised Derek was still speaking. He'd stopped yelling. Now his voice was a low, defeated murmur. Somehow Addison sensed that was worse than the yelling.

'The crazy thing is, I don't even know why' he said softly, as he stopped pacing and sat back down on the trailer steps again. He stared off into the distance as he talked. 'I know things have been difficult for her lately, what with her mother, and then Susan's death, and her father treating her like crap….but…' One of Derek's hands formed a fist as he spoke, his knuckles turning white. He stopped speaking abruptly, caught up in his thoughts.

Every time he thought of Thatcher Grey Derek remembered the night when Susan died. He remembered standing in the corridor near the waiting room watching Meredith struggle to tell her father that his wife had died. He remembered being stunned when suddenly Thatcher's hand went out and slapped his daughter hard, right across the face. All he could think at the time was that Meredith had been hurt. He wanted to comfort her, but she'd pushed him away…again. So, he'd stood watching Thatcher Grey falling apart. Derek remembered fighting the rising urge to go over there and rip Thatcher apart, but the mess the older man was in stopped him. He'd been so devastated he wouldn't have even put up a fight. However, later, Derek made up his mind. If he ever saw Thatcher Grey again he was going to get a lesson he'd never forget. It wouldn't be enough to do him serious harm, Derek's instinct as a surgeon prevented him deliberately killing another human being, but it would be a warning. Hurt Meredith again and _I _will hurt you.

'She drowned as well Derek, that has to have changed her.' Addison said the words softly, not wanting to provoke Derek into yelling again. She watched him as she spoke, sensing that he was just barely keeping the tight thread of his emotions in check. She was surprised when he laughed, not out loud, but just under his breath. A low huff of ironic laughter bubbled in the back of his throat. Addison winced. This definitely _was_ worse than the yelling.

'Yes, she drowned,' he agreed, 'Which is the whole point'. He got up again and leaned against the front of the trailer, his back against it as he spoke. 'She drowned and somehow it feels like she's still drowning. I'm trying to stay in the water with her Addison, but she won't let me. She's drowning and I'm trying to stop her, but every time I get near her she's pushing me away and I don't…' He stopped speaking and swallowed hard. His stomach was in knots again.

Addison listened patiently, letting Derek get everything out. He looked like he needed it. 'You don't what, Derek?' She asked, when she realised he'd stopped speaking. She wondered how long he'd bottled all that up. Forever probably, if she knew him as well as she thought.

Derek shrugged. 'I don't know. I don't know what to do for her any more. I was there for her after she drowned and she said I was hovering. I asked her to talk to me, to let me in, and she mocked me, then she turned around and said she was trying to let me in and that she wanted to be better. Then Susan died and Thatcher blamed her and I tried to help her, but she pushed me away again, even when she promised she was trying. She pushed me away Addison, but she could still go home with her friends and drink all night….She talked to her friends, but she pushed me away until today. I decided that I just couldn't leave it alone any more, I had to tell her how I feel about her,' another small rumble of laughter, more of a groan escaped him, 'I thought she knew, she _must_ know, but I decided to tell her anyway. I thought it might help. So I told her and she looked at me like I've boiled her pet rabbit and ran off to the wedding'. Derek was almost panting when he finished. He took a moment to steady himself.

'So what are you going to do about it?' Addison asked, looking up at Derek from where she still sat on the trailer steps.

Derek frowned and pushed his hands through his hair in frustration. 'What can I do? Every time I try to talk to her she pushes me away. I ask her to talk to me and she won't, I tell her she's the love of my life and she runs away. All she does is push me away until she decides she wants me again. It's like she's got me on a fishing line. She throws me back and then reels me in again when she wants…not her friends, not everyone, just me, so what can I do?' Even he was aware he was starting to sound desperate. He hated it. Yelling was better than desperate any time.

Addison sighed. This was a mess. She was beginning to regret coming here. She didn't expect to be caught up in Meredith and Derek's relationship…not again. Still, she was here now. She couldn't just leave this alone, not if she could help. She might be divorced from Derek, but that didn't stop her being worried about him. She'd known him for almost half her life, she couldn't just sit here and offer him nothing, not now. 'You have to talk to her again, make her see how you feel'.

'Did you not hear what I said?' Derek demanded. 'I said I've tried to talk to her and she pushed me away, broke up with me!' There, he thought, that's better. Yelling. Yelling was good.

Addison arched her brows. She wondered how long it would take for him to start yelling again. Somehow that gave her confidence to push him. When Derek gave up she didn't know how to deal with him, but yelling Derek, she could work with yelling Derek. 'So what? You're just going to give up? You're going to walk away from Meredith, just like….'

'Don't you dare!' Derek roared, his eyes blazing with fury. 'Don't you dare turn this into us! This is completely different! I left you because you slept with my best friend, Meredith is pushing me away because….because…' Derek's anger died almost as soon as it appeared. He ran out of steam and shuddered to a halt. He couldn't put something into words when even he didn't understand it.

Addison stood. She looked into Derek's eyes. 'You left me because of what I did, I know that', she said, her voice filled sadness. 'But Derek, I tried to talk to you before anything happened with Mark and you just wouldn't hear me'.

Derek glared for a moment, his eyes bright with frustration. Addison silenced any protest he was about to make by reaching out and taking hold of one of his hands. His left hand. She ran a finger gently around his third finger, over the area where the skin was paler than the rest of his hand, the effect of wearing a ring for years and then taking it off. Her touch wasn't sexual, they both knew it, instead it conveyed regrets and pain, and years of avoidance which cracked suddenly when she got into bed with a man who wasn't her husband. She sighed again and went on. 'I made a mistake. I did a terrible thing, but we both know that our marriage had been over long before Mark, or Meredith, or any of the rest of it. We both stopped trying, we stopped fighting to make things work. But Derek, if you don't fight for Meredith you'll regret it. You love her so much that if you don't try to fix it you'll spend the rest of your life regretting it. Talk to her, yell at her if you have to, but don't just walk away. Don't settle for letting her walk away from you, you deserve better than that'. She released his hand as she finished speaking and watched as it fell to his side.

'But what do I do if she won't let me try?' Derek asked. He flinched. He sounded desperate again.

Addison moved, ready to leave. She somehow knew she'd done what she came here for. She looked up at Derek again. It was as if he needed her to tell him what to do in a way he never had when they were married. 'Well,' she replied, moving away from the trailer steps, 'if you try and she pushes you away again, you try again, and you do it again and again, until you're sure that you've done everything you can to save that relationship. Then, if she still pushes you away you'll know for sure it's over and you'll be able to walk away from her knowing you've done everything, but don't give up until you know it's really over Derek. You'll regret if you do'.

Derek stood and thought about what Addison said. Could he really fight for Meredith? Would she want him to? Then he thought of all that time when she was dead and all he wanted was for her to come back. He needed her. He had to try. He thought of all the time since the drowning, weeks when they'd seemed to drift further and further apart. He thought of all the time he'd tried to get through to her and she'd pushed him away and he didn't even know why. He made up his mind. Even if things didn't go as he wanted and Meredith still walked away he couldn't give up, not without knowing why. He had to try to get through to her.

Derek followed Addison as she walked back to her car. He smothered a grin as she tried to dodge the worst of the mud. 'Thanks for coming out here Addison', a small smile broke through as he spoke, 'I needed to talk to someone, I didn't realise how much until now'.

Addison stilled. She had to tell him her news. 'That's all right. I just couldn't go without making sure you're all right. I mean, we were married for 11 years, that has to count for something, right?' She smiled brightly.

Derek raised his eyebrows. 'Go? What do you mean _go_?' he asked. He was confused. She couldn't possibly mean what he thought.

Addison's smile slipped away. She sighed sadly. 'I don't know yet', she explained uncertainly, 'but I'm thinking of leaving. I might go back to L.A. I might go out and work with Naomi for a while, but either way, I think I'm leaving Seattle. There's nothing for me here any more. Maybe there never really was', she said meaningfully.

Derek frowned. 'What about New York, your practice? You could pick that up again or….'

Addison shook her head and swallowed. This was turning out to be more difficult than she thought. 'No, not New York…it wouldn't feel right without….'

Derek nodded, not needing Addison to finish. 'I know, and….if you go, I will miss you, you know that, don't you?' He placed a hand on Addison's cheek as she stood in front of him, her back to her car.

Addison forced a smile onto her face. 'No you won't. I'm Satan remember? Ruler Of All That Is Evil, Adulterous bi…'

'You're _you_ Addie,' Derek interrupted firmly. 'You're you, and I know we turned out wrong and we hurt each other, but I've known you nearly all my life, well, all of it that matters, and I _will_ miss you. You weren't the only reason we messed up, I was responsible too, and I'm more sorry about that than I'll ever be able to say, but I will miss you'.

Addison stepped forward tentatively and gave Derek a hug, unsure of how he would react. His words had touched her. She bit back a few tears that seemed to want to escape. She had to force them down when he hugged her back, just for a second before they released each other. 'Just put things right with Meredith. Put things right with her and be happy Derek. She's the love of your life and you can't let that slip away without a fight, believe me, I know'. Addison turned and got into her car and pulled away.

Derek watched Addison leave. He found it hard to imagine that after tonight he would probably never see her again. She had been part of his life for so long, the idea of not seeing her seemed weird, not sad, not painful, just weird. Then he thought of Meredith and how he felt when she said it was over in the church. He remembered the pain he felt, like she'd taken a scalpel to him and stabbed him right through the heart. It felt as if she'd ripped his insides out and pushed them back in, only everything was inside out and back to front, and it hurt. He made up his mind. She was the love of his life. Damn it, she _was_ his life. Whatever he had to do to get her back, he would do it. He had told her he was in. He was definitely, permanently, irretrievably in. He was in, because there was no way in hell he would live with being out.

A/N Well, a nice long chapter, mainly because it just went that way, but also because I'm busy for a couple of days and may not get chance to write until mid-week. If I can I will, but I won't promise. I've never written Addison into a story of mine and I hope I've got her right. Derek is easier for me, but his changes from angry and irritated to gentleness and McDreamyness can be tricky. Please let me know what you think. I value all your opinions and I will reply to all reviews when I can. More soonish.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N Well, here I am, in mid-week as promised. Again it's a lovely day outside, and I'm inside working away, but I do have all my doors open so I won't die from exhaustion. The fic will be completed, never fear! Just don't plan on it being completed soon, we have a way to go.

Thank you all for your lovely, thoughtful reviews for my previous chapters. I promise to send out replies, but I think the best thanks I can offer is updates when I can manage it, so I'd like to concentrate on that, so please don't take offence if I've yet to reply to your kind thoughts. I will, just not yet.

Anyway, on with the story…Please read, enjoy and review.

Addison Montgomery drove away from Derek Shepherd's trailer feeling strangely content. She didn't like the idea of being caught in the middle of the saga that was her ex-husband's relationship with an intern he'd known for less than a year again.

She recalled the months when she and Derek were supposedly trying to save their marriage, months when, as much as Derek felt obliged, he had made vows after all, Addison knew him well enough to know that's what he thought , he was still drawn to Meredith Grey. Without even appearing to try, Meredith had embedded herself into Derek's system, and he just hadn't been able to get her out, not that he'd tried very hard, Addison admitted to herself. She looked back on all the times when she bumped into them in the hospital, not acting suspicious, just talking normally. The talking wasn't the problem. It was the way Derek looked when he talked to Meredith, like she was the only person he ever really wanted to talk to, as if no one else really existed for him. Addison could see now, after talking to Derek tonight, Meredith _was_ the only person he was really interested in. Compared to her, everyone else paled into insignificance. He was a moth to her flame, he couldn't help himself, even when they fought.

Addison clearly remembered one day just before everything came out into the open and her marriage imploded. She was in an elevator at the hospital with Derek and Meredith and something wasn't right. Her mind went back over that time.

They had been getting along, the three of them, at least, they'd pretended to be getting along. Inside they must have all known that the friendship they struck up was fake. Addison could see now, for Derek, the friendship was a way of spending time with Meredith without having to feel guilty about it, and for her it was a way of making sure that the friendship Derek had struck up with Meredith didn't become something else, something she feared more than anything. Addison could never really work out how Meredith saw the friendship. Did she regard it as a way of seeing Derek without it playing on her conscience, or was she genuinely trying to be _just friends_ with her former lover?

Whatever the truth, it blew up their faces when Meredith started seeing Finn Dandridge. Addison's mind went back to that day in the elevator, when Derek and Meredith stood, staring at the cold, steel doors as the elevator rose. The atmosphere between them was thick and heavy. As she stood between them, Addison had a feeling of being an outsider. It was as if they were the couple in a relationship, who were stewing over a lovers quarrel and she was the one on the outside. It was against her nature to be reluctant to ask people awkward questions, as an OB/GYN it was practically part of the job description, but as she stood in that elevator Addison knew she just had to find out what was going on between her husband and their 'friend'. Addison's relief when Meredith said she wasn't still sleeping with Derek, not since she found out he was married, was short-lived. Meredith's revelation that she was seeing Finn, Doc's vet, made everything crystal clear. Meredith was seeing someone new and Derek was jealous. It was the beginning of the end.

Addison pushed thoughts of that time away, after all, what was done was done. She allowed the feeling of contentment to wash over her again. It felt good to say a proper goodbye to Derek. After all the pain and anger, after all the guilt and misery they'd both caused, it felt good to be able to talk and close the book on their marriage once and for all.

Addison knew now, they had lost the people they both were when they were at Medical School years ago. Those young, passionate lovers of their youth had been wiped out by a tidal wave of work and ambition that meant they worked all hours, spent hardly any time together and fought bitterly on the odd occasions they were both home long enough. But still, she knew that if they'd loved one another deeply enough they would have survived when the strain started to show. Instead, when the cracks started to develop, they stopped trying, until Derek took on an even heavier workload which kept him away later and later at night. That meant that they no longer fought, there was never time. Soon not fighting became not speaking at all. They lived together, but separately, both focusing on work to escape the fact that the gulf between them was rapidly becoming a canyon.

All the time their marriage was crumbling and neither of them could see it. Then Addison heard about a friend from Medical School who seemed to have the perfect marriage, one of those marriage's that other people aspired to. Addison remembered going on double-dates with Derek, her friend and her boyfriend, before any of them married and things became hard. After Medical School her friend married and seemed set for a perfect life. She had the man, and a job she loved, she was set for life. Around the same time Derek and Addison married and were caught up in their own form of marital bliss. Then, eight years later, Addison found out that her friend was divorced. She'd grown apart from the man she thought she was going to spend the rest of her life with. The news sent a chill through Addison Montgomery Shepherd and woke her up to the reality of the situation between her and Derek. She tried everything she could think of to get things back on track, terrified of what could happen if she didn't. She tried to talk to Derek, but he just refused to see what was happening to them. Looking back on it now, Addison wondered if Derek had seen it when she did, but was either too scared of the mess they were in and where it could lead, or simply didn't care enough to help her try.

Time went by and Addison continued to try to talk to Derek, until suddenly she stopped. By that time they'd been married for almost ten years. Addison tried, even now, to tell herself that subconsciously she knew her marriage was over, so she let it go. She was bowing to the inevitable. Another factor was that there was someone else who was rapidly beginning to fill the void Derek's absence created. Addison looked back and wondered how something that started off so innocently could have turned into something else.

At first it was just the odd evening. Derek worked late so often that she got used to eating alone. Then, suddenly, Mark Sloan, Derek's best friend from even further back than Medical School, started to come over, even when Derek wasn't there. Mark worked with Derek, he knew the hours he put in, but still, he still came over in the evenings. At first it was innocent. The three of them had always been close. Derek regarded Mark as a brother, he'd known him so long. He was Derek's best man on their wedding day. Derek trusted Mark Sloan implicitly, so Addison told herself that Derek wouldn't mind Mark spending time with her. Then casual visits and easy-going conversation became drinks and dinners together. Soon it was flirting, Mark Sloan was a well-known ladies man even then, and accidental touches when they were clearing up from shared meals. Addison could see what was happening, but she was powerless to stop it, at least that's what she told herself. It had seemed so long since Derek paid her any attention that she couldn't help but revel in it when Mark was there. Secretly she admitted to herself that she didn't really want to stop what was happening, so she didn't fight it when accidental touches became more deliberate and long, lingering glances were shared over intimate dinners. From there it was only a matter of time before they did something that altered the course of all their lives.

Addison remembered that night even now. Derek was working late again and she was resigned to an evening alone, for once, Mark wasn't even around. Then, almost on cue, he appeared, with a bottle of wine and his trademark leer. They shared a meal, laughing and joking with each other as they inflicted a mortal wound to the bottle of wine. They cleared up as usual, the conversation and laughs flowing much the same as the wine had done. As it was just them, Addison didn't bother to load the dishwasher, instead she donned rubber gloves that made Mark howl with laughter, and she washed up by hand, in the kitchen sink. Mark dried the dishes, all the time making lewd remarks about rubber and hot water that made Addison's skin flush, not out of embarrassment, but need, aching lust-filled need.

It was as if she'd said what she wanted out loud when Mark moved and stood behind her, as close as he could get. He leaned in and Addison could feel him everywhere against her. He was aroused, Addison could feel it, and, without thinking, she leaned back into him, just a little, but enough for him to emit a low moan, almost a sigh, right into her ear. It was the most delicious sound Addison had ever heard. She leaned back further until the back of her head was resting on Mark's shoulder. Mark threw the towel he'd been holding aside and pushed his arms through Addison's, then he began to touch her.

Addison closed her eyes and her heart began to race as Mark slowly began to caress her. He swept his hands down her sides until they teased the hem of the light sweater she was wearing. Mark slowly placed his hands under the sweater and allowed his fingers to brush softly over the soft skin beneath. Addison kept her eyes closed, capable of thinking of nothing but Mark's hands as they moved slowly, painfully slowly, around her abdomen, just occasionally a finger dipping into the waistband of her skirt. Then his hands moved higher, bunching her sweater up as they went, and he was running them up and down her rib-cage, still moving so slowly it was agonising, whilst his mouth began to worry at her earlobes and neck, biting and sucking at the tender flesh, before soothing it with his tongue.

Addison moaned and made no attempt to stop him. All she could feel was him as she stood with her back against his obvious desire for her, the only thing she knew was his skilful hands as they touched her. Her own hands, which had been in the hot water when Mark moved behind her, now hung limply at her sides, the rubber gloves dripping puddles of water on the kitchen floor. She felt as if she was disappearing, losing herself in the sensations Mark was provoking. She felt her heart rate double when Mark's hands moved higher still, to her breasts. He caressed her over her bra, each brush of his hands making the ache that was growing inside her catch light, until her need for him was physically painful. She began to moan and whimper, knowing she was losing control, but unable to stop herself.

Mark took both of Addison's full breasts into his hands and stroked and squeezed gently, the softness of his touch accentuated by the cotton of her bra between them. He teased her nipples, sending her almost to the edge of reason before he stopped, only to start again when she whimpered with need. Mark laughed, a low growling laugh in the back of his throat, and then he pushed his hands under the elastic of her bra, rendering it useless, before replacing the cover it provided with his hands. He continued with this form of perfect torture, whilst Addison moaned and arched into him. He caressed her now naked breasts firmly, but tenderly, gently running his fingers over her nipples which hardened immediately at his subtle command.

Just when Addison was sure her legs were going to give way Mark took his hands off her body. He eased her back to her feet unsteadily. Addison went to say something, what, she wasn't sure, then she found herself being turned around, and before she could speak, Mark's lips were on hers. Addison squeaked in surprise and Mark slipped his arms around her once more, pulling her against him, even closer than before. He kissed her hard, like he was trying to consume her. Addison sighed into the kiss and opened her mouth. Mark took advantage of that, he slipped his tongue into hers and caressed her mouth with his, licking and nipping until she thought she'd die from the feelings he evoked in her. Then she found herself being picked up. She didn't complain, all she did was wrap her legs around Mark's hips, drawing a low growl of pure want from him. He pulled her closer, his hands holding on to her tightly, before he began to walk out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

Addison Montgomery looked back on that night and everything that followed with a mixture of sadness, embarrassment and remorse. She remembered it all so clearly, it was like a video in her head. She recalled the awful moment when Derek found them, her and Mark, in the bed she was supposed to share only with him, she remembered the shock in his eyes, which changed quickly to fury as he started to grab her clothes out of her closet. Mark had fled as soon as Derek appeared, looking everywhere but at his best friend as he tried to grab his clothes from where they were scattered all around the room. Derek didn't even give Mark a second glance, the only acknowledgement his presence got was when Derek pulled a discarded jacket out from under his foot and threw it towards the bedroom door Mark was feverishly aiming for, whilst attempting to get back into his clothes.

When Mark was gone the reality of the situation crashed over Addison. She started to plead with Derek, told him it was once, just this one time. She pulled a nightshirt from a drawer as she talked, covering her body with it. Derek ignored her and carried on yanking her things out from the closet until he had a pile of clothes in his arms. Then he left the room, Addison following, crying now, and still pleading with him, in his furious wake. He opened the front door and threw her clothes out into the stormy night and told her to get out. She refused and sat down on the stairs, holding her ground. Then Derek yelled and grabbed her and, before she could think, she was on her doorstep in the rain, her clothes scattered around her in a sodden heap, and the front door slammed against her. Addison stood there, clawing at the door, sobbing and pleading with Derek. Then, within a moment, the door opened again and Derek was letting her back in. Addison grasped at the hope this presented. He was forgiving her and they would be all right. They might fight about it for a while, but they were Derek and Addison and they would be all right.

She moved into Derek's arms and held on to him, crying and saying sorry, over and over. He didn't respond. He panted as if he'd run for miles and then he pushed her away. Addison sobbed and tried to hold on to him, but Derek moved away from her. As he moved Addison looked at his face. What she saw frightened her. Derek was taking short, shallow breaths, like he was in physical pain. His mouth drooped into an agonised, painful grimace. He looked…broken. Addison saw the mess he was in and pleaded with him, begged him. He spoke only to say he couldn't look at her, if he looked at her he felt nauseous and that she could stay, he'd go, he'd get his clothes in the morning. Addison begged, pleaded again, but Derek wouldn't hear it. He left, slamming the door behind him.

Addison looked back on that night and the mess Derek was in. She remembered how he came back the following morning, just long enough to get his things. Addison had tried to plead with him again, but he ignored her, refusing to even look her in the eye. Addison followed him as he went from room to room, just taking the few things he considered important. He even left most of his clothes in the closet, taking just his most casual things and a couple of suits. He worked quickly and efficiently, but that didn't disguise how exhausted he looked, like he had slept badly, or his hands as they shook when they tried to close his suitcase. He was broken, pushed to the edge by what she had done with his best friend, someone he regarded as a brother.

Addison continued to drive, thinking back over the night that changed her life. She compared that night with the way Derek looked tonight at his trailer. He had seemed almost distraught when she first arrived, drinking and obviously wrapped up in his thoughts. Then he was angry and upset, like the night he left their marital home. Then, as they talked, he seemed to come to life again, grasping the hope she presented to him, the hope that if he tried, he could work things out with Meredith, as if it was a life-line.

Suddenly Addison was afraid. What would happen if Derek tried and Meredith still walked away? However upset he was when he found his wife with his best friend, it would be nothing compared to what the loss of Meredith would do to him. He loved Meredith so much that she filled him, gave him reason, despite the madness they had all been through. If he lost her, Addison knew instinctively, he would never recover. The state he was in after Meredith drowned made that abundantly clear.

Addison pushed her foot down on her accelerator. She had someone to see.

A/N Wow, another longish chapter and the first one that places this as an M story, sort of. I wanted to show how far Derek and Addison have come, from the beginning of their life together, when it was all apparently perfect, to the adultery with Mark. I thought it important to show exactly what Mark and Addison did, to show the effect on Derek, even if it wasn't so much the loss of Addison, but the betrayal that hurt him so much. I wanted to show that he has recovered from what Addison did, but I wanted to also pose the question of what would happen if things didn't get back on track with Meredith. Addison knows how Derek represses his feelings, she knows what that would mean for Derek if Meredith left him. He would push it all down until it broke him forever. He would never get over it. I also wanted to show in this that Addison has always been the outsider in the Derek/Meredith/Addison cycle, right from the beginning. I wanted to show that Derek has always been more Meredith's than Addison's. That is vital to the next chapter. More soonish. Must stop saying soonish!! It isn't even a word!


	5. Chapter 5

A/N Thank you all for your kind thoughts on the previous chapter. It was fun to dip into Addison's head for a while – an interesting place to be. Just to address a couple of comments in reviews for now, if anyone is concerned that this will become an Addison/Derek, don't worry. It won't. You don't need to worry at all about where this is going, as the writer that's my job, and believe me, I'm not worried – yet. I know where I want to go with this, and getting there will be fun. It will be complicated, and may even get messy, but it will be fun.

I know the previous chapter was all narrative and no dialogue, but that won't be the case in every chapter. I don't tend to write blow by blow reconstructions of scenes, i.e. like the scene where Derek found Addison and Mark together. I realise I could have done that as a flashback, using all the dialogue from the show, but the purpose of the chapter was not to focus on the words, but to look at the motivations and feelings of the characters. What I wanted to do with chapter four is act as a mind for the characters, not a voice. I wanted to show how Derek and Addison were happy but then they lost it, they allowed their relationship to crumble. I wanted to show that Derek stopped trying, but Addison did too, only making an effort when it was already too late and then, instead of fighting to make herself heard, she was unfaithful. I'm not apportioning blame, just showing you, my readers, my interpretation of what happened.

The purpose of chapter four wasn't to rehash Addison's story, but in a strange way, to tell Derek's. I wanted to capture the moment when Addison was unfaithful, to show that it did damage Derek, but that in time he has got it together again and found something deeper with Meredith and now that is threatened. What I've tried to say is that Derek was eventually able to move on from the break up with Addison, but how would he deal with losing Meredith forever? I need you to remember that point. The way Derek, and indeed Meredith, deal with the idea of losing each other is pivotal. I don't just mean them breaking up. There are many ways to lose someone you love.

Anyway, that is one long author's note, I didn't mean it to be. I just think it is worth addressing points sometimes, to clarify what you are doing. Now, on to chapter 5, which will be the last chapter of the beginning of this story. See, you thought I'd started didn't you? Well, I have in the sense that I've made some important points. However, this is basically the foundation of the real story to follow. Do I intrigue you with that? I hope so. Anyway, thanks again for all your comments, which I love. My continued gratitude to AriaAdagio for helping me with this story so much and for recommending it to other people. On to chapter 5. Please read, enjoy and review.

It took Addison Montgomery longer than she expected to locate Meredith Grey. She drove like a madwoman, all fired up, determined to find the younger woman who seemed intent on ruining her life for a reason even her own boyfriend didn't understand, before it suddenly occurred to her that she didn't have a clue where Meredith lived.

The stupidity of it made Addison slam on her breaks in frustration. Why hadn't she thought of that before? She was becoming stupid, _really_ stupid. The New York Addison would have planned this, got every detail, before leaping in. No, on second thoughts, the New York Addison would have left it alone, let Meredith Grey make her own mess, and probably would have enjoyed watching her do it. Not only was she becoming stupid, she was becoming pathetic, losing her edge. It was definitely time to get out of Seattle. The rain was clearly rotting her brain. It was time to go.

But still, Addison couldn't stop thinking about Derek, the mess he was in at the trailer, all because Meredith Grey, _the perfect 12 year old_, had broken up with him. Even she, stupid and pathetic as she now decided she was, couldn't stand back and do nothing. The tie with Derek might have been fractured in so many places it was unrecognisable, but it was still a tie. She had to do something for him.

So Addison drove, finding her way back to the hospital. She told herself that looking through members of staff's personal files was perfectly ethical, if the said member of staff was the love of your ex-husband's life, someone he needed just to be able to exist. She made her way to Human Resources, finding the department empty except for a fat, balding little man, who wore large, round glasses. He looked so much like an owl, Addison did a double take. Then she smiled at him, her sweetest, most charming smile, the one Derek used to call her Black Widow Spider face, when they were happy and she could get whatever she wanted from him if she just smiled at him the right way. It stopped working even before they'd stopped speaking, the first sign that they were in trouble, not that she'd seen it at the time.

Addison held the little bald man with her gaze and calmly asked for Meredith Grey's file, she needed it for an interview in OB/GYN, she cooed. The little man stuttered for a moment, and Addison's insides twitched. He wasn't going to hand over the file…_he wasn't_….Then, he went over to a filing cabinet, opened a drawer, all the while muttering to himself, pulled out a file, and turned his attention back to the redhead, who was fighting to stop her smile turning into a grimace. He handed it over without even arguing. Addison Montgomery left Human Resources with her heart racing so much she was tempted to call in to Cardiology. Lying was _definitely_ bad she told herself, but, she reminded herself firmly, it was for a good cause.

It wasn't until Addison was back in her car that she opened Meredith Grey's file. She glanced at the address within, alongside an awful passport size photograph of the little intern. Addison examined the photograph as if looking for clues for how this girl had captured Derek's heart so decisively. She was pretty, in a fresh-faced sort of way, with her pale blue eyes and delicate features. She was small, not skinny, but slightly built, though, surprisingly, she did have a figure, even if half the time it was covered by scrubs. But, Addison told herself, all these things couldn't possibly be enough to keep a man such as Derek Shepherd so utterly captivated. There had to be something else. The Derek she knew in New York would never have looked twice at Meredith Grey.

Then Addison knew. The Derek Shepherd she knew in New York didn't exist any more. He kept saying it when they had marriage counselling, when she first arrived in Seattle and found her husband had taken a lover. He was different, he had changed. Addison had refused to see it, telling herself that if she could just try hard enough, _her_ Derek, the man she fell in love with at Medical School, was still there. Now, as she stared at the picture of Meredith Grey, Addison knew. He wasn't her Derek any more. He was Meredith's. At least, he wanted to be. She started her car, heading for Meredith Grey's house.

What seemed like ages later, Addison Montgomery took a deep breath and knocked on the door of the house Meredith Grey lived in. It seemed a funny sort of place for an intern. Addison remembered the horrible apartment she was living in during her first year of residency. It bore no relation to the orderly, almost picture book house this appeared to be, with its neat flower beds and painted woodwork. It also seemed too old for someone of Meredith's age. It seemed to fit someone with an established career, a reputation, not someone just beginning.

Addison was distracted from giving the house any closer thought, when the front door opened. 'Alex, Meredith gave you a key! Why can't you just use it! I'm not in the mood for….' But whatever Izzie Stevens wasn't in the mood for died on her lips, when she saw that she hadn't been disturbed by Alex Karev, but Dr. Montgomery. Her teeth smacked together when she closed her mouth abruptly.

Addison pasted a smile onto her face. 'Dr Stevens, is Dr. Grey in please?' she asked politely, resisting the urge to look over the blonde woman's shoulder into the house, though the _accidental_ glimpse she caught as Izzie Stevens opened the front door confirmed what she thought. This house was not typical intern accommodation.

Izzie Stevens stared at the older woman on the doorstep as if she was having delusions. Addison Montgomery, the ex-She-Shepherd, could not possibly be here. What was she doing here? Disbelief and curiosity mixed together in Izzie's head. She stared harder.

Addison sighed. It was getting late. All she wanted to do was find Grey, find out what the hell she thought she was doing, and then curl up and sleep. She cleared her throat. 'Dr. Stevens?' she asked, wearily.

Izzie Stevens abruptly stopped staring. She pulled herself together and smiled brightly. 'Dr Montgomery!' She gasped the words out almost as brightly as the smile on her face. 'How great…I mean…How good of you to call…That's….It's…' She stopped speaking, instead, she stood, wringing her hands in apprehension.

Addison sighed. This was becoming frustrating. How could finding one little person be so difficult? First she'd had to lie to Human Resources, and now she was talking to Izzie Stevens, who appeared to be having a nervous breakdown. Oh, and great, she looked up as something splashed her dress from above, it was raining! Just great!

'Dr. Stevens could you just tell me, is Dr. Grey here or not? I'd really like to speak to her, it's important'. Addison forced herself to stay calm.

Izzie turned the words over in her head. What could Addison Montgomery want to talk to Meredith about? Her curiosity was definitely roused. This was the last place in the world Izzie would have expected the perfectly styled and manicured Dr. Montgomery to show up, but she was here. So what was going on? Then Addison released another sigh, and Izzie came back down to earth. 'Oh! You want Meredith!' she cried enthusiastically. Then her face fell. 'She's not here…I think she went to see Christina, you know after the wedding and Burke, and, well….'

Addison felt like screaming. Another wild goose chase! 'All right, so could you tell me where I might find Christina's place then? I really do need to speak to Dr. Grey, it's very important'. She allowed the words to fall from her mouth in a flat tone. Suddenly she was tired. Far too tired for all this.

Izzie nodded, 'Sure, I'll get her address for you'. She smiled brightly again, before disappearing for a moment. Then she appeared again, passing Addison a scrap of paper that looked suspiciously like a butter wrapper. 'There you go. It's an apartment, she lives there with Burke…I mean _Dr_. Burke…Christina lives…_lived_ with Dr. Burke…'

Addison Montgomery practically snatched the piece of paper out of Izzie Stevens hand, and, saying a quick 'thank you' over her shoulder, she turned and almost ran down the path back to her car, glancing at the address as she went.

Izzie Stevens watched Addison Montgomery go, her mouth open in disbelief again, before she went back inside, closed the front door and, as she'd done since she returned from the wedding, burst into tears. Then she went to the kitchen. She was making muffins.

So, now, Addison stood outside Christina Yang's apartment. Part of her thought she was being ridiculous, charging in to rescue Derek like this, but something told her that if she didn't, and then Meredith walked away from him forever, she would feel responsible. Addison didn't need to take on any more guilt when it came to Derek, she had quite enough of her own, so, steeling herself for whatever lay ahead, she knocked on the front door and waited.

Soon Addison heard a vague shuffling sound from inside, and then the front door opened, to reveal the tiny form of Meredith Grey.

Meredith Grey sat in Christina Yang's apartment, still in the same position at the kitchen table where she'd been since she'd helped her friend to bed. She was beginning to think that right about now a drink would be a good idea. She felt the rising urge to drink tequila, _lots_ of tequila. She pushed the idea away. Christina didn't keep tequila in her apartment, tequila was her thing, _was_ her thing, before Derek came back and they were happy, but now they were over and Meredith wanted to drink, make it all just stop for a while, but she couldn't. Christina couldn't be left alone, not tonight. But still, the craving was there.

A sharp knock on the front door made Meredith jump. Dragging herself to her feet she shuffled across the floor, and opened it slowly, as if the action hurt her. The truth was, she wasn't in the mood to see anyone now, not now. All she wanted to do was sit here and think about all the glasses of tequila she would drink when she could get out of here, she couldn't face anyone, not now. But then she thought, this might be Izzie or George, worried about Christina after the wedding, she should let them in, even for just a little while.

The front door eased open and Meredith was confronted with the last person she would have expected, Addison Montgomery, Derek's ex-wife. Her eyes widened in disbelief.

'Doctor Montgomery…_Addison_,' she corrected herself automatically. Then she had a thought. Addison might want to see Christina, after all, everyone had seen the fiasco the wedding turned out to be, people would be concerned, or curious. Hospitals were a feeding ground for gossip, she of all people, should know. 'If you've come to see Christina it'll have to wait, she's asleep'. She gripped the side of the front door tighter as she spoke, as if to prevent the redhead barging past her into the apartment.

Addison Montgomery looked Meredith Grey up and down. She was still wearing the chocolate brown dress from earlier, her eyes still held that remote, distant expression Addison saw at the wedding, the one that told her better than any words that something was wrong. 'I haven't come to see Christina', Addison said, in the same tone of voice she used when she was given interns instructions at the hospital, 'I've come to talk to you, can I come in? I don't really want to do this in front of Christina's neighbours'.

Meredith glanced out through the doorway and realised that the hallway leading to the apartment was empty, there was no one to disturb, but, more from habit than a willingness to talk to Addison Montgomery, she stood aside, allowing the older woman into the apartment, then she closed the front door softly, so as not to wake Christina.

Once the front door was closed the two woman stood for several seconds, not knowing what to do. Meredith was trying to work out what Addison could possibly have to talk to her about, they hadn't had much in the way of conversation for a while, not since that awkward, painful time when she, Addison and Derek were all pretending to be friends, before Finn and prom night, and before Derek finally ended his marriage. After that they went back to only speaking when they had to, like when Meredith was on Addison's service at the hospital, which was exactly how Meredith liked it. But now, here was Addison and she wanted to talk. What could she possibly have to talk about? She soon got her answer, as Addison, recovering herself quickly, spoke.

'I came to find out just what the hell you think you're doing,' she said, struggling not to yell. The blank look on Meredith's face was irritating the older woman. It was the lack of emotion, which stood in such stark contrast to the exhausted, shattered expression Derek had at the trailer. He looked devastated, and Meredith looked like she didn't care, just didn't feel anything any more.

Meredith's eyes grew wide in response to Addison's tone. 'I…er…excuse me?' she stuttered at last.

Addison shook her head, and, without invitation, moved and sat down in one of the chairs by the kitchen table. 'You heard me Grey, I said I came to find out what the hell you think you're doing.'

Meredith couldn't believe it. They weren't even in work, but Addison Montgomery was sitting here, in Christina's apartment, looking like she owned the place, and she was demanding an answer to a question Meredith didn't understand. It was unbelievable. 'I…I don't…I don't know what you mean', she stammered out at last, cursing the way she stumbled over the words. It made her look stupid, and pathetic, and ridiculously immature, but then, this was Addison Montgomery, formerly Addison Montgomery-Shepherd, she'd always made her feel like that. It was par for the course, Meredith thought, when Addison looked so perfect, and she looked like…herself.

Addison struggled to hold back a sneer. Meredith Grey was being evasive, and jumpy, she looked like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming car. Okay, she thought, it's time to run Bambi over. 'Okay, well I'll help you out then, shall I? I saw Derek at the trailer tonight, and he seems to think you've broken up with him, and I want to know why'. She crossed her arms over her chest as she spoke, the move calculated to challenge Meredith to evade her again.

Meredith's eyes widened even more. Her heart began to race. Addison had seen Derek? They were in the trailer together? Something clutched at Meredith's insides, a twist of pain, sharp and intense. She felt sick.

Addison saw the look that flitted over Meredith's face for a moment. She had hit a nerve, the wrong nerve maybe, but at least it was a reaction, one that suggested the younger woman still loved Derek. If she was jealous, which her expression clearly said she was, she must still love him. But still, she'd jumped to the wrong conclusion and Addison knew she had to put her right. If she left it, there would be more misunderstanding. Somehow she knew there had been enough of that already. 'You don't need to look like that,' she said decisively, 'I went to the trailer because Derek looked upset at the wedding. When I got there he was nursing a bottle of scotch. He seemed to think it would be a good idea to get very drunk, and he said you'd broken up with him, but he didn't know why, so now I'm here asking you'.

Meredith's mouth fell open in amazement. Just who did Addison think she was, charging in here and asking personal questions? Damned cheek! Anger began to flare into Meredith's eyes dangerously. 'Look _Dr. Montgomery_', Meredith used her title deliberately, trying to keep the conversation on a professional, aloof footing, 'I don't want to be rude, but Christina's asleep and I don't want her disturbed, she was upset when she got back from the chapel, and besides, whatever happens between me and Derek now is nothing to do with you any more, so I'd really appreciate it if…'

Meredith's rambling was cut off as Addison stood, her own eyes bright with annoyance. 'It's everything to do with me when someone I've known all my adult life is getting drunk because the woman he loves has broken up with him for a reason he doesn't understand! It's everything to do with me Grey, because he couldn't help me try to fix our marriage because he was in love with you, so don't you dare tell me it's nothing to do with me!' Addison didn't raise her voice, she didn't need to. All she did was say each word clearly and firmly, conveying her anger better than any amount of yelling would. She was furious with this whining girl, this whingeing, twitchy woman Derek adored. What the hell did he see in her?

Meredith became nervous. By now Addison was supposed to have given up and left her alone to go back and think about drinking tequila all night. Instead, she was here, and she was pushing, poking at a wound she didn't even know was there. Meredith couldn't let that happen. 'I told you Dr. Montgomery, I don't know what you're talking about', she said fixedly. When Addison glared furiously, Meredith knew she'd lost. She had to give something, if only to get rid of the woman. She needed to be alone. It would be better if she was alone. 'All right, I did break up with Derek, but it wasn't….'

'Why?' Addison asked quietly. The tone of her voice was such a contrast to the harsh voice she used before, it caught Meredith off guard.

'Because…because…because I did, all right?' she replied, flushing as her mind caught up with her mouth again. She couldn't talk to Addison Montgomery, she just couldn't.

Addison sighed and shook her head. 'So, you're going to walk away from a man who loves you, who has loved you for…well, from what I can see, probably since he first laid eyes on you? You're going to walk away from a man who needs you just to be able to function like a normal human being, all because you just _did_? Are you crazy, or is it that you've got a whole load of people waiting in the wings just waiting to love you like Derek does that only you can see, because from where I'm standing Grey, you look as if you're alone, and with everything you've lost this year, I would have thought you'd hold on to the one person who really loves you, who wants nothing more than just to be with you and love you, the one person who will never leave you alone'.

Meredith's head had lowered during Addison's speech, but then, it rose sharply and she was looking Addison straight in the eye. 'But he did leave me!' She yelled, momentarily forgetting that Christina was in the next room sleeping. Immediately she realised what she had done and lowered her voice. 'He did leave me' she almost whispered.

'What?' Addison frowned, her eyebrows forming confused furrows.

'He left me when you came. He walked away from me because you were his wife and he had to try, so he did, Dr. Montgomery, he _did_ leave me'. Meredith's tone was flat and dull, exactly how she felt.

Addison Montgomery sat back down and shook her head. 'So you're getting your own back, is that what this is?' she asked, arching her brows.

'No!' Meredith cried, 'No, I…I just….People leave me' she said softly, the words falling from her lips almost by accident.

Addison nodded in understanding. 'So you think if you push Derek away it will be easier for you to deal with it if it doesn't work out and he leaves again?' She shook her head. 'You really don't have a clue do you Grey?'

Meredith frowned. 'What?'

Addison shook her head in exasperation. Now she could see what Derek saw in this girl. They were both as clueless as one another. She shook her head again. 'You think Derek left you to try to work things out with me, but it isn't true'.

Meredith opened her mouth to contradict. What was Addison talking about, of course Derek left, she remembered all the time without him vividly, well, all the time that wasn't obscured by tequila. He left.

Addison ignored Meredith's attempt to interrupt. 'He might have lived with me, but inside, where it counts, Derek was always with you. Oh, he tried, he tried to feel something for me, I know he did, but he just couldn't do it. He'd fallen in love with you, he needed to be with you in a way he never needed me, even when we were at our best. He felt guilty about it, tormented himself, after all, we were married, he thought he owed our marriage one last shot, at least that's what I think he thought, but it was hopeless. He was in love with you, he told me at Christmas. I knew something was wrong, he was down and depressed, and I asked him what was wrong, we used to love Christmas. He tried to deny it, he said he was fine, but in the end he told me. He said you weren't a fling, you weren't revenge for what I did with Mark. He was in love with you….He's still in love with you.'

Meredith stared at Addison as she spoke. Derek had told Addison he was in love with her before he'd even told her? She couldn't believe it. She remembered the night he stood in the kitchen at her mother's house and told her he loved her. Meredith remembered him, standing there, looking almost shy as he said it, like a teenager saying it for the first time. Meredith remembered thinking that he probably just felt awkward, saying it then after everything that had happened, but could it have really been that he meant the words in a way he never had before? Something began to stir inside her, something strange and hopeful. She pushed it aside. She was Meredith Grey, she told herself, ordinary Meredith Grey. Men like Derek Shepherd, McDreamy as Christina had called him all those months ago, didn't fall that hard for her. But Addison was still speaking. She forced herself to listen.

'When we were trying to get you back in the hospital.' Meredith's heart turned over, she didn't like where this was going. Addison didn't appear to notice, she carried on. 'Derek was a mess. I've never seen him look as devastated. He looked like everything had crashed around him, like it was the end of the world. He looked lost, as if he didn't know what to do, or how to function. It was as if someone had ripped everything apart, all the important bits of his life, and he couldn't work out how to put the rest of the pieces together if the most important piece was missing….It was like he just couldn't see how he could go on if you didn't come back'.

Meredith allowed what Addison said to wash over her. Could he really need her that much? It didn't seem possible. He was a world class Neurosurgeon, he was wealthy by anyone's standards, even if he didn't give that idea, with the trailer and everything. He was handsome, he could have any woman he wanted. Could he really want her that much? It just didn't seem possible. It _couldn't_ be possible. She was Meredith Grey.

Addison watched Meredith Grey listening to her. Something told her she was beginning to get through. She had to push harder, but Meredith would crack. 'Why did you break up with Derek? Just tell me Meredith, because I don't believe for one second that you don't love him any more. Believe me, I know, Derek isn't someone you fall out of love with easily, so tell me, why did you break up with him?'

Meredith signed, it came out more as a moan. It was true, she told herself, as much as she wished it were otherwise, she did still love Derek. But even so, loving him, being loved by him, didn't mean they could be together and be happy. Today had been a sign.

'Meredith?' Addison questioned, seeing the younger woman's eyes becoming distant again.

Meredith sighed again, her shoulders drooping. She suddenly felt tired again, really tired. But Addison was waiting for an answer. She was calling her by her first name, sounding kind, impossibly kind, she remembered saying to Derek once. Maybe if she admitted it Addison would give in and go, let her sleep. She wanted to sleep. She sighed again. 'I broke up with Derek because Christina's wedding went wrong'.

Addison Montgomery's eyebrows shot up so high they almost reached her hair-line. 'You did what?' she exclaimed. 'You need Christina to tell you what to do now? Oh Grey, remind me if I stick around in Seattle, never to let you in an O.R. of mine ever again. How can you possibly be a good surgeon if you can't think for yourself?' Addison stared at Meredith in astonishment. Of all the things she expected her to say she hadn't expected that.

'It wasn't like that!' Meredith cried, forgetting Christina in the room next door again. 'I…I just thought that if Christina and Burke worked out then it would be a sign that Derek and I would be all right. After everything, my mother, and Susan dying, and my father turning his back on me, I needed something to hold on to, but it went wrong, and I knew. I knew it meant we just can't be happy, so I ended it. I ended it because I knew that it meant that if we stayed together I'd either end up being hurt when he leaves me again, or I'll ruin his life, and I just can't stick around and wait for that to happen, so I had to end it'.

Addison got to her feet again. 'So you've pinned everything on something that didn't work out and now you're just going to walk away, as if Derek means nothing to you? What about him Meredith? What do you think will happen to him? God, in the time he was with me he was a shell of himself, pining for you, and then, when you drowned, he was devastated. I saw him cry that day, and I'd never seen him cry before. It just isn't what he does, but he cried over _you_. He cried because he couldn't stand the thought of you being gone forever. Meredith, can't you see, Derek loves you. I watched him with you when he came to see you after we got you back, and I've never seen him look like that before. He never looked at me like that, not even when we were first married and supposedly in love. He looks at you like you're the most precious thing in the world Meredith, because to him you are. You are the single most important thing in Derek's life Meredith, and you're just going to walk away from him? I could understand if you didn't love him any more, but you do, I can see you do, so what you're doing just doesn't make sense…unless there's something you're not telling me'

Meredith heard what Addison said. It took her back to what Derek said in the locker room earlier, that she was the love of his life. Could that really be true? But then she realised that Addison was still pushing, probing at the one thing that she hadn't said. Addison could tell there was more. She was a doctor too, knowing when your patient is only telling you half truths is part of the game. She knew.

Addison knew Meredith wasn't telling her something. She could see it in her eyes. Something inside her was screaming to come out, something that was keeping her from being with Derek. Something he probably didn't know. She stood and watched Meredith Grey wrestling internally with the thought that someone had realised she was keeping something back. She waited, knowing that if she just waited long enough, it would come out.

Meredith released a breath of air she hadn't even realised she was holding. Addison was still watching her, not intimidating her, just waiting for whatever it was she was holding back. Suddenly holding her secret in wasn't so easy, not when she was being watched like this. She had to say something. 'All right…but if I tell you, you have to promise me you won't tell Derek'.

Addison's eyes widened. So it was something that Derek didn't know. Something Meredith couldn't bring herself to tell him. 'I promise' Addison heard herself say. She ignored the fact that her fingers were crossed under the table.

Meredith nodded uncertainly and took a breath of air. 'Okay. When I drowned….When I drowned, I gave up', the words came out of her mouth. It was as if they'd formed a tight knot in her chest since the drowning, but now, since she'd said them out loud, the knot seemed easier.

Addison nodded, arching her brows again. 'What are you saying, you tried to kill yourself?'

Meredith shook her head. 'No. I mean that, seriously. I fell in the water, I got knocked in. It was cold, really cold, and I tried to swim….At first I tried, I did. Then I thought, just for a second, I thought, what's the point? So I stopped fighting. I just…I gave up'.

Addison Montgomery uncrossed her fingers. There was no way in hell she could tell Derek that, not after seeing him during those terrible hours when they were fighting to get Meredith back. The look on his face when he was sat outside the trauma room and then the door suddenly swung open, bringing her face to face with him still haunted her. He looked so frightened and utterly distraught. She couldn't tell him. But it was the one thing that was keeping Meredith from him, didn't he need to know? Didn't he need to know why she was breaking up with him? 'Meredith, I promise I won't tell Derek what you just told me', Meredith sighed with relief as Addison went on, 'but I think _you_ should'.

Meredith Grey's pale blue eyes filled with horror. 'I can't….I can't….How can I tell him that? How can I tell him I stopped fighting? He asked me if I was all right that day, he asked me to take the day off because of my mother's surgery. How can I turn around now and tell him I gave up? I can't…. just can't'.

'So you're not going to tell him and you're going to walk away from him? Don't you that he isn't in pain as it is? Meredith, you might not want to be with Derek any more…'

'Of course I do' Meredith moaned, 'I do, but I can't, because if I tell him….If I tell him….'

'If you tell him then you'll have to admit what you did to yourself?'

Meredith didn't need to reply. The look on her face told Addison everything. She was pushing Derek away because if she told him what happened to her in the water that day, she would have to admit it to herself, face up to the fact that even for just a second, she had stopped fighting for her life.

Meredith recovered herself. 'I know it was stupid. I knew as soon as I came back. Giving up was stupid. I had Derek and Christina, and the others, and a job I love, that I think I might just be good at….maybe…one day….but still, I did it. I knew I should tell Derek, but I just couldn't. Then, the longer I left it, the harder it became. He was hovering, worrying about me, and I just couldn't tell him. He had the Chief thing to be worried about, he didn't need me to freak him out. I started pushing him away, even when Susan died and my father blamed me, and Derek tried to support me, I pushed him away. I was scared that if I was with him too much I'd end up telling him, and I couldn't. I knew I'd done the wrong thing Addison. I knew. But if I told Derek he…'

Addison sighed. 'Look Meredith, Derek loves you. He loves you so much, and he won't just stop, and I know you love him too. You have to tell him this, give him a chance, because if you don't, you'll both be miserable. You have to tell him that you gave up and that you regret it. You have to tell him you didn't mean to break up with him, that you just got confused for a while, because you really didn't mean to break up with him did you, not really?'

Meredith thought. Did she really mean to break up with Derek? At the time she thought she did, she thought that Christina's ruined wedding meant she couldn't be happy with Derek. But now, she thought. All the weeks before she drowned came back. They'd been happy, so happy. Then, just today, he'd said she was the love of his life. Her, Meredith Grey. Addison had sat here and told her that Derek had always been hers, even when he wasn't with her. He loved her so much that he couldn't imagine being without her. He needed her. Now Meredith knew. She had begged Derek to be with her. She had spent months pining for him when he was with Addison. She had spent the entire time she had her hand inside a patient with a bomb in his body trying to remember the last kiss she shared with Derek. She imagined he was with her when Dylan told her to think of someone she liked when she was scared. Just the thought of him had got her through. Then, when she realised what death meant, when she drowned, that it meant never being with Derek ever again, she was hysterical and had to come back. Now it was clear. She didn't need Christina's wedding to dictate her happiness, she could decide her own. She needed to be with Derek. She had to tell him the truth.

Meredith shook her head. 'No, I didn't mean to break up with Derek, not really. I'll tell him what I did. He needs to know doesn't he?'

Addison Montgomery nodded. 'Yes, he does. He does need to know. If that's the one thing that has kept you apart, he needs to know. Just tell him Meredith and then let yourself be happy with the man who loves you'.

Addison Montgomery quietly left the apartment, leaving Meredith with her thoughts. Meredith yawned, stretched, and then got up and went through to Christina, who was asleep, curled up on one side of the double-bed. Meredith lay down on the other side and allowed herself to drift into sleep. As she dozed, she made a decision. She was going to get Derek back, no matter what she had to do to make it happen.

A/N Well now, that was a marathon. Probably too long really, but I didn't want to split it up. I didn't want to drag out these build up chapters any further. I think 5 is enough. Now I can get to grips with the real story with this. I hope to get at least one more chapter up this week, aim for a couple of chapters a week until the end of this. I'll try. I'll try harder if you review. More….soonish.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N Well now, here I am, back much later than I expected to be. I've been trying to get an outfit for my sister's wedding which is in August, and it's taken a while, anyway, I've finally got something that will be suitable, so now I can concentrate on other things, like fanfiction, and other stuff. I'll try to keep to a bare minimum of a chapter a week from now on, so please, stick with me. My grateful thanks for all your kind thoughts on the previous chapter, especially my version of Addison, who was great to write.

I've given some thought to what I've already written and what I should have explained from the outset is that the conversation Derek had where he said Meredith gave up never took place in this fic, though keep the idea that he has watched her sleep, because I like that….Also, my idea of Derek's 'You didn't swim' speech is a little different to the show. Yes, that's right, I'm rearranging the facts to suit my fic, mainly because this fic isn't really about the drowning so much as how Derek and Meredith deal with the aftermath. That said, I'm giving no more away, you'll have to read.

OK, on to chapter 6…Gosh, six already and we're only just getting in to it! I'm excited! Please, read, enjoy, and review. It makes me happy.

Derek Shepherd woke up the next morning with what he was sure was a rapidly growing brain tumour. Either that, or he had the mother of all hangovers. His head was pounding behind his eyeballs. He opened his eyes and closed them again, shielding them from the sun as it streamed through the trailer's window. He lay in the small bed wishing he could stay there and just die quietly, but he knew he couldn't. He had work, patients to check on, a surgery later, and something else…..Someone to see. Meredith.

Derek dragged his eyes open again and sat up slowly. The trailer seemed to spin for just a second as he sat, until it righted itself. He swallowed, his saliva tasting revolting, like stale scotch, which was ironic, considering the amount he'd put away the previous night, he thought. He pushed a hand through his hair and then rubbed his eyes before rising and dragging himself into the shower.

As Derek showered, the water easing the aches and pains in his muscles, but doing little for his head, he thought about the previous night. He still couldn't believe Addison showing up like that, all because she was concerned about him and Meredith. There really was an irony in there somewhere he thought, thinking of the night Addison arrived in Seattle, shattering the happiness he'd found with Meredith. Now, it seemed she could be leaving, and she was trying to help him and Meredith back together? It didn't make sense, not after everything that had happened, but it did make him strangely happy. It felt like Addison had moved on at last. He hoped she would be happy.

Derek's mind went back to Meredith, not that it had ever really left her. He remembered how, when Addison had gone the previous night, he'd swallowed most of the remainder of the scotch, as he sat thinking about what he was going to do when he saw her. He knew he had to talk to her, but what could he say? He turned it over in his mind before the effect of the scotch took over and he dragged himself to bed, his mind too fuzzy with alcohol to resist sleep.

Now, in the shower, at the beginning of a new day, Derek still didn't know what he was going to say to Meredith. He couldn't get the image of her walking away down the aisle at the wedding out of his head, or the way she'd dismissed him in the locker room. As much as he wanted her back, as much as he loved her, he couldn't just forget what had happened, or get the way she'd been for weeks, pushing him away, even when she said she was trying not to, out of his mind. He couldn't help thinking about what he would do if he tried and she still pushed him away. In spite of what Addison said, he didn't know if he had the strength to go after her today if she just turned around and dismissed him again.

Then Derek thought. He thought of how he felt when Meredith said it was over at the wedding. He remembered the way his stomach just about hit the floor when she walked away in the locker room. His mind went further back to the months after Addison arrived in Seattle, when he made the mistake of trying to save a marriage that was long gone, leaving behind the woman he loved. Derek remembered all the times he saw Meredith at the hospital, the moments alone with her in the elevators, when he ached to reach out for her, but knew he couldn't. He thought of the time when she was with Finn Dandridge, trying to move on and be happy. Derek wished he could forget how jealous he had been, and how badly he had behaved to both Meredith and Addison, practically calling Meredith a whore, and then coming back to the trailer and having sex with Addison, sex that was all about rage and jealousy towards Meredith and nothing to do with love for his wife.

Derek allowed his mind to move ahead, to the day when Meredith drowned. The hours when he could do nothing but wait tormented him still. The thought that at any minute the Chief would call time of death and she would be gone forever, away from him, haunted him. He remembered the nights afterwards, lying with her, first in the hospital, and then at her place, listening to her breathe as she slept, scared to close his eyes in case….He wouldn't allow himself to think it. She was back, that was all that mattered. But still, as he prevented his mind going over the nightmare of the day she drowned, Derek remembered what it felt like when Meredith was gone. He stepped out of the shower, towelling himself off. He told himself that it didn't matter that he didn't know what to say to her. When he saw her, he _would_ know.

At Christina Yang's apartment, Meredith woke and stretched herself, turning onto her side. She noticed straight away that the side of the bed Christina slept on was empty. Meredith shook herself awake and got off the bed, walking through to the kitchen, where she found Christina, fully dressed, and drinking a large cup of coffee.

'What are you doing?' Meredith asked. She hadn't expected to find Christina up, not after the wedding disaster.

Christina Yang's dark eyes shifted from where she was staring into her coffee cup to her friend. She pointed at the cup. 'Um…Cup…Morning….Need any more clues?' She said sarcastically.

Meredith rolled her eyes. 'I can see _what_ you're doing, but…well, what are you doing?' she said again.

Christina Yang arched her brows. 'I'm getting ready for work', she replied, as if it was obvious.

'You're working, today?' Meredith asked, helping herself to a coffee. She needed it after last night. She pushed the thought of it away for now. For now, this minute, she had to talk to Christina.

Christina grimaced. 'Yes, I'm going to work, you know, where there are surgeries and blood, yes, I'm going to work'.

Meredith sipped her coffee before speaking again. 'Are you sure, because I'm sure you don't have to go in today. Bailey can re-assign your patients, in fact, she probably already has, I mean, after…' She hastily shut her mouth.

Christina shook her head, 'No, don't stop. You mean after Burke called off the wedding, which, after all, was a wedding I didn't even want, so yes Meredith, I am going to work'.

'Christina' Meredith tried, trying to be supportive.

Christina shook her head and Meredith stopped talking. To her surprise, Christina changed the subject. 'So, what did McDreamy want with you in the locker room before…I mean….yesterday?'

Meredith's eyes widened. She hadn't expected this. 'He um….He…He said I'm the love of his life', she said the words quickly, wishing she could just ignore the question.

Christina sniggered. 'Oh, the love of his life huh? And tell me, what did you say to that?'

Meredith closed her eyes for a second. 'I told him we had to go, you know, the….'

Christina frowned. 'Spit it out, what did you do?'

Meredith swallowed hard and took a long sip of coffee. 'I sort of…I might have….Okay, not might have, I did, I…I broke up with him'. She rambled, hating herself for doing it.

Now Christina glared. 'You did what?' she demanded, not at all quietly. 'Why the hell did you do that?'

Meredith sighed and told Christina what had happened between her and Derek, and then she told her about Addison turning up the night before, leaving out the details about giving up when she drowned. Telling Derek would be hard enough, without dealing with Christina, besides, Derek might need to know, but Christina didn't.

'So what are you going to say to him, are you going to get back together?' Christina asked, dragging Meredith out of her thoughts.

Meredith shrugged her shoulders. 'I don't know what I'm going to say. I don't know, it's just complicated and…'

'Do you love him?' Christina asked, cutting across Meredith before she could ramble again.

'Yes, I do, it's crazy and stupid, but yes, I do' she sighed heavily, she knew Christina was about to tell her she was behaving like Izzie.

'Okay, well, help yourself to my clothes, get dressed, go to work, talk to him, just fix it before it's too late'. Christina said thoughtfully, before she got up and left for work.

When she was alone, Meredith shook her head in disbelief. She'd expected Christina to rant about the stupidity of what she'd done, breaking up with Derek because the wedding went wrong. Instead, all she did was tell her to fix it, which was exactly what she was going to do.

It didn't take long before Meredith found Derek. She arrived at the hospital, still turning over what Christina said in her mind. She got into the elevator and there he was, standing in the corner, and he was alone. Derek didn't seem to register her presence as Meredith got in, pushed the button for the surgical floor and waited. She stood about a foot away from him, with her back to him, wondering what to say. When she was in the apartment, with Addison and then with Christina, it all seemed so easy. All she had to do was talk to him and everything would be all right. But now, he was there, and she didn't know where to start. Then Meredith remembered all the months when he was with Addison, and the time after she drowned when she begged to be given a chance to come back, for her friends, but mostly, to be with him. She knew she had to try.

Meredith opened her mouth. 'I…I'. She groaned inwardly. Stupid mouth!

Derek Shepherd raised his eyes from where they'd been staring intently at his feet. He'd known all along he wasn't alone in the elevator. He knew when her scent reached him. Lavender. It filled him, momentarily pushing away his hangover which was still trying to claw his eyeballs out. Now he stared at her back, took in her hair as it flowed to her shoulders, as yet she hadn't tied it up in the ponytail she wore for work. He was glad. He loved her hair. He took in the way her shoulders were set, realising immediately that she was nervous. Involuntarily, he pushed himself off the elevator railing he was leaning against and stood behind her, inhaling her scent.

Meredith sensed Derek move behind her. She raised her head, watching the floor numbers pass by as the elevator rose. Suddenly she knew she had one more floor left. One more number before she had to go to work, leaving things unsaid, and unfixed. She couldn't do it. Without thinking, she reached out and pushed the emergency stop button and the elevator immediately stalled. Now she was alone with him and she had to talk.

Meredith sighed and tried to resist leaning in to Derek as he stood so close behind her, his lips almost brushing her neck. She had to say something right now. 'I….I didn't….I didn't mean to break up with you'. There, she sighed, she had said it. Relief washed over her until she realised Derek had stood back, away from her.

Derek stared in disbelief at the back of Meredith's head. 'What?' he demanded. He hadn't expected Meredith to say anything. He'd thought when she got into the elevator that he would have to say something, not expecting her to say a word. But now, there she was, and she was talking. He couldn't believe it.

Meredith frowned. This wasn't going to be easy after all. 'I didn't mean to break up with you', she repeated, needing him to say something, anything to make this easier.

Derek raised his eyebrows in confusion, trying to ignore the hope that was rising inside him. 'So why did you, because it sounded like you meant it to me'. He hated how harsh he sounded.

Meredith winced at Derek's tone. He sounded almost angry. 'I don't…I don't know' she stammered, 'I just got confused. I just thought that if Christina and Burke got married then we would be all right, and then, when it all went wrong, I thought…'

The flare of hope that was rising in Derek Shepherd plummeted back to earth. Christina Yang, Meredith's _person_. 'So, you thought that if Christina broke up with Burke, you had to break up with me?' Now he was becoming angry. This was too much. He wanted to reach over and start the elevator moving again, but he couldn't. Meredith was in the way.

Meredith turned on her heel, coming face to face with Derek at last. 'No!' she cried, becoming unnerved by his tone of voice. 'I just….I just I thought…I thought that if Christina and Burke could get married and be happy, it meant that we could have a chance, I just…'

Derek laughed derisively, 'Oh, I get it. You need Christina to tell you what to do now? You can ignore me when I'm telling you that you're the love of my life, but Christina can dictate the rest of your life for you? I get it'. It took all Derek's control not to push past Meredith and hit the stop button, only the thought that he might push her over and hurt her stopped him. He knew if he did that he'd never forgive himself.

Meredith shook her head violently, her eyes widening. 'No, I just…I got scared, I made a mistake, a stupid mistake'.

Derek's anger died. He'd made mistakes too. 'A…a mistake?' He said, looking her in the eyes. He could see how upset she looked. He hated himself. He'd hurt her again.

Meredith looked back into Derek's deep blue eyes and nodded. 'Yes, I made a mistake, a really stupid mistake, and I wish I hadn't. I'd understand if you didn't care now, if you walked away, I mean, I…'

'Meredith' Derek said her name softly, caressed it, like he had so often before. Meredith stopped rambling and took a breath. She looked into his eyes.

Derek sighed heavily. She wanted him back. He was elated. He had to stop himself going over there and ripping her clothes off. He knew he dare not move in case he did just that. She wasn't an intern any more, she didn't need to start another year being gossiped about because of him. He didn't move, instead he spoke. 'Come to dinner with me tonight? Maybe we could go out, or eat at the trailer…I'll cook' he offered, grinning.

Meredith smiled. They were going to be all right. He still wanted her. 'Dinner at the trailer, with the raccoons?' she giggled, suddenly feeling happier than she had for a long time.

Derek laughed. 'I won't invite the raccoons tonight, it'll be just us' he beamed.

Meredith giggled again. 'Okay'.

Derek nodded, 'Okay'.

Meredith smiled at Derek once more before turning to hit the stop button. She reached out and then she stopped. She had to tell him. Now, before it was too late.

'Derek' she said, trying not to sound worried.

Derek heard the anxiety in her voice and inched towards her. He stopped abruptly when she spoke again.

'When I drowned…When I drowned I gave up' she said, the words bursting out before she could stop them.

'You gave up?' Derek breathed. Suddenly his hangover kicked in again, ten times worse than before. Something was twisting in his stomach, nausea, and something else. Something he couldn't name.

Meredith nodded, 'It was just a second, just a second when I let go, stopped fighting, but….'

'Okay' Derek said at last. He knew this wasn't finished, but he just couldn't do this right now. He was going to be sick. He was sure of it.

'Okay?' Meredith replied, visibly shaken with relief. She had said it, and he understood, it was over. They could be happy now.

'Okay' Derek repeated, needing to get out of that elevator and away from her, as fast as he could. He was feeling the urge to yell, or throw up, probably both, and he couldn't work out why. He was suddenly furious with her.

Meredith reached out and hit the stop button. The elevator rose to her floor and she got out, saying a quick, 'see you at the trailer tonight?' over her shoulder as she went.

When she'd gone Derek watched the elevator doors close behind her before he flopped down to the floor on his backside and put his thumping head into his hands.

A/N There we go, chapter six. The story is now up and running. Please read and review. It makes me happy. More soonish.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N Well now, here I am in chapter seven. Thank you all for sticking with me for the long build up to this point. I hope you think it was worth it, and hopefully you'll see the necessity for all the scene setting I've done as the story goes. I'll just say again, I don't have a clue how long this will be, but I do have an idea of what my final chapter will look like. I certainly know how I want things to end.

My huge thanks for all your kind words in reviews. Your support is much appreciated, and I promise, I will reply to all reviews when I can. However, just to say, if you read but usually don't review, your thoughts would be welcome too.

I hope to get at least one more chapter up this week (besides this one) but my local council is doing some work on my house later in the week, so that might disrupt my writing. However, the more reviews I get, the more effort I will make. Anyway, for now, read, enjoy and review.

Derek left the hospital that night in a foul mood. A day which had started off with a hangover got worse after he finally left the enclosed confines of the elevator. He'd done rounds, both for pre-op and post-op patients, where he discovered that a patient in his forties who had been recovering well and was due to go home soon, had undergone an inexplicable deterioration. After a C.T. Derek realised he would have to take the patient, who had suffered a spinal injury when he'd fallen from a ladder, back to surgery, which he did, only for the man to die suddenly on the table. Derek had to go and break the news to the patient's wife and then he'd had another surgery. A little girl, who'd suffered a severe head trauma when she'd fallen from a swing in her parent's garden had been rushed in. She arrested even before Derek could finish scrubbing in.

If there was anything Derek Shepherd hated it was losing patients, especially when there appeared to be no real reason for it or, as in the case of the little girl, it was a child. He could still hear the distraught sobs of her parents as he broke the news, the mother collapsing into wails of agony, the father holding his wife for just a moment, before turning his grief onto the surgeon who'd promised to do everything he could for their baby. 'You…You said you'd do everything!' the man cried. 'You promised us, and now she's gone! You killed our baby, you failed her!'

_Failed_. The word slammed into Derek as if the distraught father had punched him. He blinked for a second, and then, whispering a stifled, 'I'm so sorry' once again, he turned and walked away from the couple who were now clinging to one another in their distress. He didn't even try to defend himself. He knew from studying the scans of the little girl's brain, even if she had pulled through the surgery, a degree of brain damage was certain, but even so, she would have been alive. Now she was dead, and even though he hadn't so much as pointed a scalpel at her, he felt responsible. She had died on his watch, it was as simple as that.

Derek got through the rest of the day on auto-pilot, his head still muzzy from his hangover. The only bright spark of the day lay in being able to think about seeing Meredith when she met him at the trailer for dinner, but even as he smiled at the thought, something else nudged the back of his mind.

'_When I drowned…When I drowned I gave up_.'

What she'd said in the elevator that morning smacked into him again, obliterating everything else from his mind.

Derek thought back over the days immediately after Meredith drowned, when just the fact that she was still there, alive and breathing, was a miracle. Then he thought of the nights when fear crept in, making rational thought impossible. He tried to tell himself over and over that watching her sleep was stupid, people, even people who had drowned, been clinically dead for hours, don't just stop breathing again for no reason. In the light of day, when she was there and talking, and he could be right behind her all the time, that made sense. At night, when even her manic house was quiet, the rational side of his mind, the doctor in him, seemed to vanish, making more room for the boyfriend who was watching his girlfriend sleep, listening to her breathe, watching the gentle rise and fall of her chest, scared out of his mind that if he closed his eyes for just a second she would stop.

The earplugs Meredith had given him to block out her snoring lay unused now in the bathroom cabinet at her place. Derek remembered putting them in there the night he brought her home from Seattle Grace, just a few days after the drowning. In the hospital, even as he lay awake by her side, Derek knew if anything happened, the monitors would show the first sign of problems straight away, they'd have time to deal with it. At home there was nothing except his eyes and ears to stand guard over her. As if to mock him she'd even stopped snoring since the drowning, so even that audible reassurance was denied him. Sometimes he found himself deliberately moving as he lay beside her, just enough to stir her from her slumber for a moment. She would open her eyes sleepily, rub her hand over her face, mutter '_go…sleep_', and then doze off again. Derek would snuggle up to her as she slept, a glimmer of joy that she had at least woken and looked at him rushing over him, but inside he wished she would just start snoring again.

Derek thought back to after Meredith left him in the elevator, smiling over her shoulder at him, as she told him she would see him later. Almost before the doors obscured her from view, he flopped down on his backside, his legs becoming unable to hold him upright any longer. Her words continued to go around in his head, '_When I drowned…When I drowned I gave up_', over and over, constantly replaying. Derek sat on the elevator floor, trying to absorb the thought. He got up unsteadily and smacked the stop button again, enclosing himself once more in the small space, fighting the nausea that was creeping into the back of his throat, wrestling with the urge to start punching the walls around him, and to hell with his hands. He turned Meredith's words over in his head, telling himself that maybe he'd got it wrong, maybe she didn't mean what he thought.

Derek thought back to the first few days after Meredith drowned, when he resolutely told himself that the water around Seattle at that time of year was cold, it wouldn't take long for anyone to become exhausted. He told himself that she'd just been wearing scrubs and a light sweater when she fell into the water, she was shocked, which would make her lose body heat even faster than the freezing temperature of the water. He firmly pushed away the thought that when he jumped in to find her he had fought the cold, dived down twice before he found her, and then managed to drag her body back towards the dock _and_ carry her up the harbour steps, and he was all right. He wouldn't allow himself to think that maybe Meredith chose not to fight to stay alive. He refused to think about the fact that she was just twenty feet or so from the steps to the dock when he found her. Even when he followed her around when she was back on her feet, first at home and then back at work, he told himself that he was concerned because she'd been effectively dead for over three hours. He wouldn't allow himself to think of any other reason he might be worried about her, the fact that he had come so close to losing her was enough in itself. She drowned because the water was cold and she was exhausted. It was simple. The important thing was that she was alive.

But then, in a few short words in that elevator, she ripped the safety net away from him, allowing him to plunge into the stark reality. She had drowned because she chose to give up.

Now as Derek Shepherd got into his car and drove towards his trailer, he knew the truth. The hour he'd spent giving her C.P.R. desperately trying to breathe life back into her body, all the time he'd spent at the hospital, sitting around, scared out of his mind that any minute the Chief would give up and call time of death, was her choice. If she'd made an effort, none of that time would have happened. If she'd just swum to the steps and climbed up, she would have been all right. He would have found her, wet and cold, and would have had to drag her kicking and screaming in protest to Seattle Grace to be checked over, but he wouldn't have had to fight to keep her alive for an hour. All those hours of waiting for news would never have happened. He would have taken her home and joined in with her friends as they laughed over her being knocked into the water. Instead, she'd almost died, he'd spent night after night watching her sleep. It wasn't even the slightest bit funny, and that was her choice.

Derek arrived at the trailer, still wrapped up in his earlier talk with Meredith. He wished he could wipe it from his mind, just for tonight. When Meredith had said she hadn't meant to break up with him he'd felt momentarily angry, as if she was reeling him back in after pushing him away again. Then she said that what she had done was a mistake and his anger evaporated. Derek knew what it felt like to make mistakes. He had made enough of his own to consider himself an expert. However, of all the mistakes he had made, by far the worst was leaving Meredith to try to save his marriage to Addison, even when he knew he no longer loved his wife, at least, not in the way a man should love the woman he had pledged his life to. He had walked away from Meredith, abandoned her, even though everything inside him was screaming for him to stay and love her in the way she deserved, the way he wanted to. So, when she stood in the elevator and said she had made a mistake, Derek knew how that felt, and he knew he couldn't walk away from her again. When she said that she would understand if he didn't care for her any more, he wanted to grab hold of her and never let her go. The need he felt for her struck him to the core. He had to be with her, he needed her just to exist. He allowed the elation of getting her back to permeate through his system, let it fill him. Then she said she gave up when she drowned and everything shifted. Now the reality was that she had made a choice to give up. In spite of everything they had been through to be together, in spite of them being back together, free of all the pain from before, she had chosen to give up and leave him alone. The thought made him feel physically sick. Derek knew he couldn't just forget what she had done, as much as he wished he could. He would have to talk to her about it. As he began to prepare a lasagne, he decided he would have to do it tonight.

Meredith Grey arrived at the trailer and knocked on the door. She would usually let herself in, but tonight, after what she'd done at the wedding, and then turning around and telling Derek she had made a mistake, knocking seemed like the right thing to do. She still couldn't believe Derek had taken her back, just like that. Well, okay, not just like that, but without too much thought or fight. Meredith knew Derek stewed on things, especially things that made him angry or hurt him. He allowed things to get bigger and bigger in his head before it all exploded out, burst from him in a pacing, door slamming rage, complete with a New York accent. She got into the elevator that morning half expecting him to either blow up into a rant or escape as soon as he could. He hadn't. He stayed, and rather than go off like a rocket, he just murmured her name, '_Meredith_,' the sound warming her right to her finger ends. Even when she told him what happened when she drowned, he didn't get angry, he didn't walk away. He just said 'okay', and it was over. Weeks of worrying about what would happen when she told him the truth vanished in a puff of smoke. So now she was knocking on his door, about to have dinner with him and then, if she was very lucky, she would be spending the night in his bed, doing all his favourite things, and maybe a few of hers, if he played his cards right.

Derek heard the knock on the door. Immediately, he knew who it was. He turned the oven down to a low heat, so as not to burn the lasagne, and went to open the door, smiling in spite of all the things he knew he had to discuss with her. He saw her, standing on his decking, and his heart swelled. She was beautiful, and, somehow, after the drama of Christina and Burke's disastrous wedding day, she was his again.

'Why are you knocking on my door?' Derek asked, standing aside to let Meredith into the trailer. 'You know you don't need to knock, you never need to knock'.

Meredith went inside, looking around as if she'd never seen the trailer before. Somehow, even though there were few personal effects around the place, it was still all Derek. Every last inch of the place was just Derek. It felt like home in the way her mother's house, where she lived with Izzie Stevens, never did. She smiled at the thought, turning her attention to Derek. 'Oh well, I thought it was the right thing to do, after, you know, almost dumping you and then you taking me back and…stuff.'

_Stuff_? Derek's mind lingered on the word. Her telling him she gave up was just _stuff_? He forced the thought away, now wasn't the time. Not now. He turned his attention back to the lasagne in the oven, getting it out as he replied, cheerfully. 'Okay, I take your point, but you don't need to knock in future, okay?' He put the lasagne down on a small fold-down table and began to serve up.

'Okay', Meredith replied, before inhaling deeply. 'You made lasagne?' She beamed, before sitting down, eyeing the food hungrily. 'You made lasagne, my favourite!' She began to tuck in enthusiastically, as Derek took a seat opposite her.

Derek began to eat, slowly chewing his food, as if the mere act of eating was killing him. 'Yes, I made lasagne' he smiled lightly, watching her wolf hers down like she hadn't eaten in days. Meredith might be tiny, but it wasn't from lack of food, he thought. The woman could out-eat him, and did so, frequently. 'We've got coffee ice-cream for dessert, so leave some room' he warned, as she helped herself to seconds of the rich pasta dish.

'So, how was your day?' Meredith asked, eating more slowly, and pouring a glass of wine for them both from the bottle of red she had thought to pick up on the way.

Derek tore his eyes away from where they had settled on his food. He sighed, 'Oh, not the best, I lost a couple of patients, one was a spinal injury I had to open up again. He was getting better, we were even talking about him going home soon, or at least into rehab, but he deteriorated suddenly this morning. I did a C.T. and found a blood-clot around his injury site, so I had to open him up again and he died on the table…The clot must have shifted or something' he added, as Meredith nodded sympathetically.

Meredith sighed, she knew how much Derek hated to lose patients. 'What about the other one?' she asked softly, seeing he was upset and wanting to help him.

Derek sighed again and put his fork down. He'd hardly eaten anything. Meredith saw it, but didn't remark. She knew Derek. He would eat when he was hungry. 'It was a trauma case, a little girl. A pretty, blonde little thing, just three years old, a baby really', he replied, resting a fist on the table.

Without even thinking about it, Meredith reached over and placed one of her hands over Derek's clenched fist. He responded by opening his hand and taking hers into it, interlacing their fingers. Meredith squeezed his hand, wanting to comfort him if she could. 'I'm sorry', she said softly.

Derek sighed again. 'She fell backwards off a swing in her parents back-garden', he explained quietly. 'She was rushed in with a severe brain injury. I knew from her C.T. scan that some brain damage was inevitable, but I told her parents I'd do everything I could for her. I was scrubbing in when she flat-lined. We did everything we could, but we couldn't get her back. I had to go and tell her parents that their little girl was dead. Her mother just cried, well, screamed really, and her father…Her father blamed me, told me I'd killed their little girl…'

'That isn't true and you know it Derek', Meredith said, cutting across anything else Derek was about to say. 'It's sad, and it's awful for those parents, but it wasn't your fault. You hadn't even started to operate when she flat-lined, so it couldn't be anything you did. Her father was upset, and I'm sorry about that, but he had no right to blame you, no right at all'. She had tears in her eyes when she finished.

Derek smiled in spite of himself. Meredith could keep people at arms length when she wanted, but she could also be incredibly kind, and remarkably empathetic. He loved her for it. 'Thank you' he said, reaching over and taking a cheek into his hand. She sighed into his hand, the warm air from her mouth catching his thumb as it rested against her chin, cupping it.

The evening went on, and the two talked about their day, exchanging small talk easily, just as they'd done many times before. Then a silence came over them, and Derek knew he had to say something.

'Earlier, in the elevator', Derek began, unsure of what exactly he was going to say. 'You said you gave up'.

Meredith's heart turned over. She hadn't prepared for this. She was sure this was over, they'd talked. It was out and finished. Going over it again wasn't in the plan. She nodded, unable to reply.

Derek could see he had touched a nerve. Meredith had stopped talking and whipped her hand away from his, allowing it to fall below the table, into her lap. She was looking at him warily. 'So, why?' Derek asked, his tone flat and calm, his brows arched.

Meredith shook her head. 'I don't know' she replied, the words falling from her mouth of their own accord. 'I don't know….I swam, at first. I swam, I fought. I tried to get back to the dock. But the water was cold, so cold, and all I could hear in my head was my mother telling me I'm ordinary Derek. She said that to me, her own daughter, and then I was in the water, and it was cold, and I was exhausted and just for a second, I wondered what the point was, and I stopped fighting. I don't remember anything else until I woke up in the trauma room with Christina standing over me, I….'

'I thought I was the point' Derek stated, interrupting Meredith's revelations.

'What?' Meredith raised her eyebrows quizzically.

Derek took a long swig from his wine. 'You said you wondered what the point was' he clarified, enunciating each word clearly, 'I said I thought _I _was the point, or at least, I might be'.

Meredith cringed. This was not what she planned for this evening, not at all. 'You were, I mean, you _are_, but I just…'

'So if I am the point', Derek sensed he was becoming angry, but was unable to stop himself, 'If I am the point, why did you give up?' he demanded. 'I would have thought that if you cared for me at all, you'd want to fight to stay with me, but didn't fight did you, you…'

'I did fight!' Meredith yelled at last, pushed to the edge by Derek's tone. 'I fought, I tried, but I couldn't do it anymore! All I could think about was that my mother thought I was ordinary, and she was about to go into a heart surgery where she might die and I'd never get a chance to prove her wrong!' She was panting by the time she finished.

Derek sensed the anger inside him building at the mention of Ellis Grey, Meredith's mother. 'I told you what your mother said was crap!' Derek yelled back. 'I told you she didn't know what she was talking about, that she didn't know you, not the real you, but that wasn't enough for you was it? I told you that I don't think you're in the least bit ordinary, but it wasn't enough! You could have talked to me, told me how you felt, but no, instead you went and decided to think about it in the bottom of the bathtub, where you would have drowned if I hadn't dragged you out!'

Meredith got to her feet. The tub again. She resisted the temptation to roll her eyes. 'I told you Derek, the bathtub was nothing! I was just thinking, taking some space to think! I know it was stupid, and I know you were worried, but it was nothing! I know you asked me not to go to work, to take a day off….'

Derek tuned out the rest of Meredith's words. His mind zoomed in on the last bit he heard. He _had_ asked Meredith to take the day off on the day she drowned, knowing she was upset over what her mother had said to her. He'd dragged her out of the bottom of the bathtub and argued with her whilst she fobbed him off, telling him it was nothing, she was just thinking. He tried to persuade her to take the day off, no one would mind, he could arrange it for her. Instead, she dismissed him, sent him to work alone, instead of going in with him…and he had let her. As her Attending, he could have ordered her to stay at home, he could have made her do it. Instead, as her boyfriend, seeing she was angry with him, he allowed her to go to work, lose herself in the routine. Then there was the ferryboat incident and….Derek suddenly saw the day Meredith drowned in a whole new light, or rather, in a way that he had spent weeks trying not to think about. Meredith drowned, she had almost died, because he was too gutless to force her to stay at home. She was clinically dead for over three hours because he had acted as her boyfriend, not her boss. She had nearly died and it….Derek closed the door to his mind. He wouldn't think about it.

Meredith carried on, unable to see that Derek had stopped hearing her. 'The bathtub was nothing Derek! I know, it was a stupid place to think, but it was nothing. Then, when I drowned, I just stopped fighting! It was a second, just a second, where I just gave up! I wish I hadn't, I wish…'

'Shut up' Derek said, the words coming out so softly, he thought he hadn't said them aloud. He hadn't intended to. He intended to think them. All he knew was that he had come back from his thoughts and Meredith was still talking, trying to justify why she gave up. He needed her to stop talking.

Meredith inhaled a sharp breath. Derek had never told her to shut up before. 'What did you just say to me?' she demanded, as Derek got up, drawing himself up to his full height.

'I said shut up' Derek repeated, glaring, enjoying the shock in her eyes. She looked stunned.

It took Meredith exactly a second to absorb what Derek said before she moved, aiming towards the trailer door. 'Okay', she said, struggling not to yell, 'I'll shut up. In fact, I'll do better than that, shall I? Yes, I'll do better!' Meredith's voice was rising again, in spite of her best efforts, which suddenly seemed to be very poor indeed. 'I'll just go! I'll go and leave you to your mood! Maybe I'll talk to you tomorrow when you can listen to me like an adult, instead of behaving like a spoiled, overgrown brat!'

Derek moved like lightening. 'Don't you walk away from me' he warned, 'not again.'

Meredith laughed derisively. 'Oh, you tell me to shut up and then you don't like it when I walk away? Well tough!' she yelled, turning her back to him to open the door.

Derek didn't know what happened. One minute he was watching her go, anger coursing through his veins like blood. Anger towards her, towards the world in general, but mostly, anger at himself. The next minute he moved and grabbed her, not hard enough to hurt her, he knew he couldn't do that, even as angry as he was, but enough to turn her around to face him. She didn't even have time to open her mouth to argue before his lips were on hers, and she was in his arms. She squeaked in surprise, before she responded, and with a low moan in the back of her throat, she kissed him back, matching his urgency with her own.

Meredith couldn't help herself. One minute she was leaving, the next Derek was kissing her, consuming her with his mouth, while his arms held her as close as he could get her. He was driving her mad, kissing, licking, biting any exposed skin, as his arms held her so tight she wondered how she was still breathing. His hands moved to her hair, gripping it almost painfully as he tilted her head back to kiss the points of her collar-bone, which peeked out through her v-neck sweater. She moaned he bent over her, her hands automatically going to his wide shoulders where they gripped, purely because he was there and she wanted to touch him. She certainly didn't need to hold him to stay upright. Her legs had given way beneath her as soon as Derek clamped his lips to hers, but she didn't care, couldn't even remember where her legs were, or what they were supposed to be for. Derek was holding her up very well with his arms. She didn't need legs.

Derek held Meredith and began to move, taking her with him, towards the bed. His hands began to wander beneath her sweater, inching it above her stomach, before moaning urgently and pulling it over her head and off, dumping it on the floor. That was the signal, soon clothes were coming off, buttons popping in haste, going in all directions, as both of them helped each other to undress in record time.

Meredith couldn't think any more. All she knew was Derek as he lowered her down to the bed, guiding her gently with his hands, whilst his eyes burned like an inferno, full of desire and want. They were both naked now, their bodies touching enough to fan the burning flames coursing through them both. Then Derek was kissing her again, not gentle, tender kisses, but passionate, heady kisses, his tongue dancing with hers, before he moved and began to kiss other parts of her body, again, allowing his teeth to graze against her skin, before soothing her with his tongue. Meredith whimpered aloud and arched her back when Derek took a nipple into his mouth and sucked, nipping on it until it was almost sore, when he stopped, before repeating the same on the other.

Derek continued down Meredith's body, going lower and lower, until he hovered over her most intimate area. He stilled for a moment, building the tension, watching Meredith as she waited for him, panting in anticipation. Then, when he couldn't stand it any more, he lowered his head and began kissing and licking her, over and over, up and down, as she tensed beneath him, mewling in pleasure, her hands gripping his hair, holding him in place. He knew she was close, he could feel it, and just when she was right on the edge, he moved, ready to join with her and help her finish what he had started

Meredith cried out and arched as Derek moved, offering herself to him completely. She sighed as he raised himself over her, and then…..

Derek grimaced for a second. Something was wrong. Just a second before he had been there, ready for her, more than ready. He had been just about ready to explode for her, and then, there was nothing. Literally nothing. He had, in the language of comedians who didn't know a damned thing about it, 'gone soft', lost it. Groaning, he collapsed on top of Meredith for a moment before rolling off her onto his back.

'Derek?' Meredith said, unable to understand what was going on. One minute he was all over her, making her ache for him in places she didn't even know she had, and now he was lay there, looking like someone had taken his favourite toy away.

Derek cringed. How could he explain this? Then, he didn't know whether he was relieved, or embarrassed, but Meredith changed her position, and she knew.

'Oh' she said simply. 'It's okay'.

Derek sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed. 'No Meredith, it's not okay, not in the slightest'.

Meredith reached out and rested her hand on his back. 'It happens sometimes, maybe we drank too much wine with the meal, or…or'.

Derek turned to face her again, frowning. 'I didn't drink too much wine Meredith, you drank more of it than I did'.

'Well what is it then?' Meredith asked, trying not to get annoyed by his tone. She could see he was upset.

'I don't know' he replied, 'one minute I was ready, and the next I wasn't, it was just like that, like a switch had been flicked or something'.

Meredith leaned in to him. 'We could give it a minute or two and we could try again, if you want' she cooed seductively inching closer.

Derek shook his head. Meredith eased away, hurt, but he held her hands. He forced a smile onto his face. 'What I mean is, it might take a bit longer than a minute or two, I am nearly 40 you know' he whispered, easing himself closer to her again.

Meredith smiled with relief and lowered herself down into Derek's arms. 'OK, so what? Do I wake you in about 3 hours or something?' she giggled.

'Now that was unkind!' Derek laughed, before becoming more serious. 'No, just give me ten minutes. I'll make it worth your while, I promise'. He kissed Meredith gently on the lips.

Meredith studied his face as they lay there. 'Derek, about earlier….'

Derek took Meredith's face in his hands. 'I know, it's all right' he soothed. 'Just remember I love you, that's all, and we'll work the rest of it out'.

Meredith sighed. 'I love you Derek' she replied before taking him back into her arms. She knew now, they really would be all right.

A/N There we have it, chapter seven! More soonish! Even more soonish if I get a lot of reviews.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N As promised, another chapter, much later than I intended, but here all the same. Sorry for the interruptions. Things should get better this coming week before being disrupted again the week after, I have visitors coming from Ireland, so that might keep me away from the writing, but I will try. Isn't it weird how things can be calm and normal until you get a story idea? Still, not to worry.

I also developed writer's block for this chapter. After the tumult of emotions in chapter seven, which includes the problem Derek and Meredith are facing, I sort of froze on where to go. However, I've got it now….I think.

My huge thanks for all the enthusiasm for chapter 7, which I thoroughly enjoyed writing. I'm delighted that I have more reviews for this now than any other story I have ever submitted. Derek and Meredith are delicious to write when they are fighting, and angry Derek is so sexy he should carry an adult rating! Anyway, onward. By the way, I hope I'm getting the expressions Derek and Meredith would use about right. I'm British, and I'm wary of using too much Americanism in case it sounds too forced. I'm trying to get details right, like calling a lift an elevator, and a flat an apartment, but I might slip up with other things. Just give me some leeway in terms of expression, but other than that, feel free to pull me up on any glaring mistakes. I appreciate constructive criticism, I'm trying to 'hear' the characters speak as I write them, knowing how they speak in the show, but it isn't easy. As ever, read, review, but most of all, enjoy.

Derek and Meredith got up the next morning and dressed in virtual silence. Derek prepared some breakfast, looking in every direction but at Meredith's eyes. He couldn't stand it, the pity or worse, the humour at his expense he thought he would see if he looked at her. Instead, he poured coffee and put out cereal, focusing on it like he was doing a major surgery. He was so concentrated on what he was doing, he flinched when Meredith eventually spoke.

'Is it me?' Meredith asked, breaking the uncomfortable atmosphere that had descended over them both since the middle of the night before. 'Is it something I did, or something I…something I didn't do?' she said, struggling to find words to fill the gap that had suddenly appeared between them.

Derek finished pouring out the coffee and then, turning, he forced himself to look at Meredith as she sat on the bed, putting her shoes on. 'Is what you?' he asked, turning his gaze immediately back to the table as she looked up from her feet when she was properly dressed.

Meredith sighed and stood, 'Last night, I mean, I thought, maybe, I did something you didn't like, or didn't do something you wanted me to do, and….' She edged closer to Derek as she spoke, and put her hand on the arm that was nearest to her.

Derek kept his gaze fixed to the breakfast table as if it was suddenly fascinating. His mind went back to the night before, and the fight he'd had with Meredith, which ended, as they often did when they fought, with them practically tearing one another's clothes off and jumping into bed, the only difference was that usually they finished up having wild, passionate sex, and last night he just….He didn't know. He remembered how the first time it didn't work he felt uncomfortable for a moment, until they were both able to laugh it off. They waited until he was sure he could go again. They touched and kissed, caressing each other, driving each other mad, then, when they couldn't take being parted any more, Derek made his move, and again, his body refused to respond, the hardness of him slipping away as if he'd plunged himself into a cold shower. Meredith tried to be supportive, told him it didn't matter, cuddling was nice, she insisted, but Derek could see the frustration in her eyes, and he couldn't stand it. His own need for her was running through him like a sword, burning his insides like fire, he couldn't stand her expression, a mixture of confusion, concern and denied release. When they tried again and he still couldn't control himself, he couldn't make himself look at her, hating himself for it, but scared to look into her eyes for fear of what he would see looking back at him.

When they eventually settled down to sleep, Meredith spooned against him in the small bed, Derek couldn't help thinking that her naked body against his would usually be all he needed to be ready to go. Instead, as she lay, her hips snugly against his, his body didn't react at all. He knew she would know. When they first got back together after his divorce, when they'd pushed away their promise to go slow and just allowed themselves to be, even if he got in late after a long surgery, he would spoon with her in bed and his body would respond instinctively. She would wake instantly, deliberately rubbing herself against him, knowing she was playing with fire. Soon he would turn her, hover over her, and he would give her what her eyes said she needed from him. Now, as she lay against him, there was nothing, and Meredith didn't push, at least not with her lower body. Instead, all she did was pull his arm over her and put his hand under her cheek as she lay on her side with her back to him. Somehow this simple gesture, one she had done so often before, made Derek's heart hurt for a reason he couldn't explain, not even to himself. Something inside him twisted in his chest, a knot of something he didn't understand. As Meredith's breathing slowed, indicating she was asleep, Derek leaned in to her, inhaling the lavender scent of her hair, before sleep slowly claimed him.

Derek had never had this happen to him before, he'd always been able to _perform, _even when he and Addison first had sex again when she came back to Seattle and he could barely talk to her, he had been able to have sex with her. He might not have wanted to, still feeling churned up by what she'd done with Mark, but he had been able to do it. The fact that he thought about Meredith every time, pictured her eyes shining with desire, her beautiful body beneath and then above him, and heard her cries as she finished, got him through. It wasn't that Addison wasn't attractive, any man could see she was beautiful, with her flaming hair and feminine curves, it was just that he didn't want her in the way he wanted Meredith. Sex with Addison seemed contrived, almost rehearsed in comparison to the wild abandon Meredith showed in bed. Meredith would scream through her release, every inch of him filling with masculine pride that he could give her so much pleasure. Addison would bite her tongue or the inside of her cheek, far too controlled to show such obvious expressions of orgasmic release, then she would kiss him on the cheek and thank him for it. It was almost like he had bought her a new pair of shoes, rather than made the earth move for her.

'Derek?' Meredith said again, pulling him out of his thoughts. 'Did you hear me, I asked…' She still had her hand on his arm. Derek forced himself to look at her at last. He could see the worry in her eyes. The knot that had developed in his chest since the previous night tightened again. He couldn't stand it.

'No, it wasn't anything you did, or didn't do, it was….I don't know what it was', Derek shook his head, unable to explain himself more clearly. How could he explain something to her even he didn't understand?

Meredith released an audible sigh. She was scared. This was new territory for her, new, terrifying territory. She didn't know how to do this. Derek had never had a problem having sex with her before. She couldn't help the feeling that somehow she had done something. A voice in her head was telling her that something bad was happening here, something she didn't know or understand. Suddenly, even though he was barely inches away, Derek seemed further away from her than he had ever been before. She felt like she was waiting for something to blow up in her face, like the day she was holding a bomb inside a patient, when, even the slightest wrong move could have killed her and everyone else in the hospital. 'Only, if it was, I just…I didn't know, and just, well….' Meredith found herself rambling, more to shut out the silence between them than anything else.

Derek turned completely, facing Meredith properly for the first time that morning. He could see how scared she was. As if by instinct, he moved and took her into his arms. 'I'm telling you, it wasn't you'. He spoke firmly, easing her away to look into her eyes. 'I don't know what happened, but I know it was nothing you did, or didn't do, or anything else you need to worry about. Maybe I was just more tired than I thought, maybe I'm just getting old', he smiled at her reassuringly, taking her face into his hands, before running his fingers through her hair.

Meredith tried to smile, trying to force away the bad things crawling around in her head, things that told her that any minute Derek would tell her he didn't want her any more and she should go away and leave him alone. 'You're not old though Derek, I mean, I know things can take longer when you get older, but we've always been able to do it before, and I just, I mean, after what I did at the wedding, breaking up with you and, well, I'd just get it if you…'

Derek heard what Meredith said and the knot in his chest almost strangled him. He clasped Meredith in his arms again, holding her tightly. 'Meredith,' he said firmly, his lips caressing her name as they always did, as if it was something sacred, 'this has got nothing to do with what happened at the wedding. I don't care any more about what happened at the wedding. You spoke to me at the hospital and told me what happened and now it's done, so just forget it. I don't know what happened last night, but it was nothing you did wrong, so don't worry about it'. He kissed Meredith lightly on the lips before moving away.

Meredith sighed with relief. He wasn't dumping her. 'Okay, so we're good?' she asked hopefully, even if she couldn't push a last lingering doubt away.

Derek nodded, seeing the hope in her eyes. 'We're good. I'll probably be able to get out early tonight so if you want, I could meet you after work and we can go back to your place and I'll show you how good we are' he raised his eyebrows suggestively as he spoke.

Meredith's face lit up. 'Okay', she said simply in response, relief stopping anything else coming out.

'Good, so are you going in to work with me, or are you taking your own car?' Derek asked, changing the subject. It was getting late. He might not need to be in work for at least another hour, but Meredith did. Life as a second year resident might not be as bad as an intern, but it still meant early starts at work. He remembered it all too well.

Meredith blinked at the rapid turn of conversation. She looked at her watch. 'Oh God, I'm going to be late!' she exclaimed. 'I'd better take my car, and I'll see you later at the hospital, okay?' she said, virtually all in one breath, before kissing him quickly and rushing out to start her day.

Derek watched her leave and shook his head. Then, sitting down, he poured himself another cup of coffee.

Meredith arrived at work with just a few minutes to spare before rounds. She headed straight for the locker room where she found Christina Yang sitting alone, reading a textbook. 'Hey' Meredith said brightly, 'either you were here really early or I'm really late, so which is it?' She sat down as she tied her hair up, pulling it into the pony-tail she always wore for work. She watched her friend reading the book in front of her, saw her study the pages as if she was trying to memorise every detail, which, knowing Christina, she probably was. She was almost surprised when Christina suddenly closed the book and put it away in her locker.

'You _are_ late', Christina replied dryly, 'and I _was_ here early, in fact, I never went home last night so….'

Meredith's eyes widened. 'You weren't even on call last night, so why didn't you go home?' she asked, interrupting Christina. Meredith felt a twinge of guilt. Maybe leaving Christina to see Derek hadn't been such a good idea after all, but at the time it had seemed like the right thing to do, and Christina _had_ told her to fix things with Derek. She forced the guilt away.

To Meredith's surprise Christina's face lit up. 'I got to scrub in on a heart surgery with Dr. Hahn, she's replacing Burke…sort of' she added, almost as an afterthought.

'Wait a minute, you mean Burke isn't back, not even at the hospital?' Meredith asked, taken by surprise. Stupid, she thought to herself, really stupid, discussing Burke with his ex-fiancée, the woman he had practically left at the altar. She cringed at the crassness of what she had said.

Christina Yang rolled her eyes. She was fed up with people dancing around her, worrying about saying the wrong thing, avoiding mentioning Burke, thinking if they did she would break. Meredith was supposed to be different, she was her person. 'No Mer, Burke isn't back, and it looks like he's gone for good, so Hahn has taken over, at least until they can find someone to replace him permanently,' she supplied casually, like she was discussing the weather.

Meredith sighed, 'I'm sorry' she said softly, leaning against her friend, their version of a hug.

Christina softened for a second. She leaned against Meredith and released a small sigh, more of a breath of air. 'I know, me too' she said simply. It was enough.

Now Meredith understood. Christina was dealing with things in the only way she could, which, in her case, meant work. 'So, tell me about the surgery you got yourself in on' she said, watching her friend immediately come to life again.

Christina Yang spent the next few minutes telling Meredith all about the complex heart procedure she had watched the previous night, her eyes bright with excitement. Christina Yang wasn't known as a surgery junkie for nothing. As interns, they'd all been hungry for every surgery they could get, but with Christina, it had been an obsession. She always arrived at work an hour before she needed to, just to get the best surgeries of the day. Now the buzz of the O.R. was getting her through the break up with Burke and, after seeing her friend lose control and break down in her apartment after the wedding, there was something reassuring about her excitement for the complicated operation. It gave Meredith hope. Somehow Christina would be all right.

Soon the two got up to leave the locker room, ready for rounds. Christina suddenly moved and halted Meredith as she went for the door. 'So, did you and McDreamy work things out?' she asked expectantly.

Meredith nodded unsteadily, her mind going over the previous night and that morning at the trailer again. 'We're fine' she said quickly, 'we talked, Derek took me back, and we're…fine'. She pulled her face into a smile. She knew that whatever happened she couldn't talk to anyone about Derek's problem, even Christina, it was just too…she just couldn't do it.

Christina eyed her friend suspiciously. 'What?' she asked, arching her brows. She knew Meredith. She could read her like a book, something was wrong.

Meredith shook her head, not daring to look into Christina's eyes. 'No, seriously, we're fine, and now we have rounds, and we're late' she said, escaping out of the locker room, leaving a stunned Christina Yang in her wake.

A couple of hours later, Derek Shepherd walked into Seattle Grace and almost collided with woman carrying a load of boxes and files in a pile so high she couldn't see where she was going. She walked straight into him as she stepped out of the elevator he was trying to get in to. He was so deep in thought he walked into the woman before he even realised she was there.

Derek couldn't stop thinking about that morning and the previous night at the trailer with Meredith. He hated the way Meredith blamed herself for what happened, he just didn't know what to say to her to convince her she hadn't done anything wrong. How could he reassure her when he didn't know what was wrong? He couldn't stand the worry in her eyes, or the embarrassment that rushed over him every time his mind went back to the previous night, when he'd struggled to respond to her in a way she obviously wanted. The memory of it made him feel raw, open, as if the whole world could look inside him and know what had happened. He knew it was ridiculous, the only people who knew about the problem were him and Meredith, and neither of them were about to tell anyone, he knew that. But still, Derek felt that even if neither of them said a word, people would still know. It was written all over his face.

'Sorry', came a voice from behind the pile of various things in her hands, dragging Derek out of his thoughts. 'I didn't see you there, what with all this stuff, and….'

Derek arched his brows, and then, as he stepped forward, he saw a familiar flash of red hair, and he knew. 'Addison?' he said, his voice rising in surprise. 'I thought you'd already gone, I mean after…' as he spoke he took a box out of the woman's hand, as it almost fell out of her grasp.

Addison Montgomery turned her head to the side to see around all the stuff in her arms and saw Derek standing there, just inside the elevator in the hospital entrance. She frowned, 'So, you're trying to get rid of me that fast?' she said, as her eyes flashed in smothered amusement.

Derek shook his head, catching a file as it slipped from the top of the huge pile, causing Addison to mutter an expletive that belied her sophisticated looks. 'You should get Yang or Meredith to teach you how to swear you know', he grinned, feeling lighter than he had all morning. 'You just don't quite get it right, you're just too polite about it'.

Addison glared in mock annoyance. 'I'll bear that in mind, now, speaking of polite, can you help me carry this lot to my car? I'm clearing out my stuff. I start in L.A. next week'. Without waiting for a reply, she handed Derek another box, which he took, carrying it with ease.

'You know we're not married any more, you don't get to treat me like your own personal slave.' Derek shook his head, Addison had a way of presuming on people, making you do exactly what she wanted, at least, in his case, she used to have. He had only given in now because his mind was elsewhere, she had caught him off-guard.. 'Anyway, you didn't answer me, I said I thought you had already left, I mean after you came to the trailer, I didn't expect to see you again'.

Addison shook her head, her red hair swishing from side to side like a silky curtain. 'No, I had a day off yesterday to book my flight and pack my things at the hotel. I leave Seattle tomorrow, and I start at Naomi's clinic next week. I need a few days to sort myself out before I start work, I didn't know I had so much stuff'. Addison smiled ironically as she finished speaking.

Derek bit back a comment about the way her stuff used to clutter up the trailer when she was living there with him. It wasn't the time to fight with her. Instead he followed her out to her car and helped her put some of the boxes inside, before he slammed the car door shut with a resounding thud.

'What happened about your contract here, did the Chief let you out of it?' Derek asked, slipping into work mode. He wasn't in the mood to talk to Addison about anything personal, not today. Today he just wanted to go to work and hide away catching up on all the paperwork he had to do.

'Well, seeing as he didn't offer me Chief, I think he realised I have nothing to offer here any more, so he didn't argue when I said I wanted to leave. So, did he offer the job to you?' Addison asked, switching the discussion so fast she made Derek blink.

Derek frowned. He didn't really want to talk about the Chief thing today either, but still, people would find out sooner or later, so maybe now would be better. 'Yes, he offered it, but I turned it down' he admitted, trying to sound casual, as if it meant nothing.

Addison's eyes widened in shock. 'Why?' she asked, her voice full of confusion. 'You've always wanted to be Chief, well, for years'. Addison's mind went back years before to when she and Derek were Resident's under Richard Webber. Even then Derek was being marked as the future Chief of Surgery of Seattle Grace, a position he had worked for, to the exclusion of everything else, including, it seemed, their marriage.

'Things change Addison', Derek replied simply, 'people change'.

Addison nodded, not needing to say a word. Derek was right. Things definitely changed. She knew all about that. She smiled and changed the subject. 'Did you see Meredith, did you work things out?'

The knot in Derek's chest tightened inexplicably. 'Yes, in fact, she found me. She trapped me in an elevator with her and talked to me'. In spite of himself Derek smiled at the memory. He still couldn't quite believe Meredith had made the first move to get them back together.

'That's great' Addison replied, genuinely pleased for him. She didn't like the thought of leaving while Derek was unhappy. When she saw him at the trailer the night after the wedding she had been worried. Then, as she smiled, Addison looked at Derek properly. Something was still wrong, she could see it. Derek didn't seem happy, not considering he was back with the love of his life. She had a feeling she knew what it was. 'Did Meredith tell you everything, about when she drowned and…'

'Meredith told you about that?' Derek demanded. 'When did she tell you?' The knot was twisting again. Derek fought not to yell.

Addison's eyes widened in disbelief. Meredith had obviously not told Derek about their confrontation in Christina's apartment the night after the wedding. _Damn it Grey_, Addison thought. 'I went to see her on the night I came to see you. I was worried about you, and just thought if I could talk to you both it might help, I wasn't trying to interfere, or pry, I swear'. Addison stood and waited, ready for the explosion from Derek she was sure would come. 'I told her she needed to explain why she broke up with you, and tell you what happened when she drowned. I told her you needed to know if that was the only thing keeping you apart'.

Derek Shepherd didn't reply to his ex-wife. Instead his mind processed what she had said, turned it over and over like a tossed salad. Meredith had spoken to him, admitted what had happened when she drowned only after she had told Addison? She had only told him because Addison told her to? This was unbelievable. Meredith and Addison barely spoke to one another, and now Meredith was confiding in his ex-wife, telling her things she hadn't even told him? This was too much. Without even thinking about what he was doing, Derek said a distracted 'goodbye' to his ex-wife before he turned and walked purposefully back into the hospital.

Addison Montgomery stared in bewilderment as she watched her ex-husband walk away from her. She knew she had just made an awful mistake.

A/N Well, there we are, a cliff-hanger of sorts. Stay tuned for what will happen next. By the way, in this I refer to Meredith as a 2nd year Resident. I know there has often been debate on the net as to if the Intern year in the show is the first year of Residency or not. I checked on a website that explains the positions a doctor in the US can hold, right from Internship to Fellowship, and the time-span this can take. Anyway, this says that in the US there are two types of doctor, one I think is an O.D. (I'm working from memory, sorry) and the other, as you would expect, is an M.D. They are both doctors of Medicine, but work in different areas. Anyway, an M.D., which as a surgeon Meredith would be, begins their Residency right from their Intern year, so, Meredith, as an intern, was a first year Resident and so on. Believe me, I checked. I like to get the details right as much as possible. Anyway, hope you enjoyed this. More soon….ish.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N My apologies once again for being slower to update than I would like. This week has been more manic than I expected, but anyway, I'm here now. I appreciate you sticking with me for this, and I hope I can show my appreciation by making this as good it can be. Thanks for your feedback on chapter 8, which probably wasn't my own personal favourite chapter, but did get some good reviews. I don't think it's easy to be positive about chapters that you've struggled for, but never mind. I hope I'm through the worst of the difficulties now. Writer's block is a pig! Anyway, please read, review, but most of all, enjoy.

Derek Shepherd was shaking by the time he managed to navigate through the throng in the hospital entrance hall; doctors, nurses and other medical personnel were all rushing around, caught up in their daily routine, attending to new admissions, taking patients into the E.R. and speaking to anxious relatives, whilst he focused on one aim, finding somewhere to hide.

When he walked away from Addison in the hospital car park, Derek couldn't think. All he knew was that he couldn't stand being around people any more. He needed space, just for a moment, to breathe and absorb the thousand and one things in his head. All Derek could think about was that Meredith had confided in someone other than him….._again_. Once again she had pushed him aside and spilled everything out to someone else. The fact that it was Addison, though it was surprising, was irrelevant. The point was that she hadn't come to him,at least, not on her own..

Derek's mind went back to all the time after Meredith drowned when he tried to be there for her as much as he could. He had asked her over and over if she was all right, told her she could talk to him about anything, anytime, and she had brushed him off. She had dismissed him, accused him of hovering over her, and then slowly, she began to slip away. When Susan died and her father blamed her, she had pushed away his attempts to help her, wiped him away like he was an insect flying around her face, and turned to her friends. Then there was the wedding and her breaking up with him. Derek remembered how happy he was in the elevator the day after, when Meredith spoke to him, made the first move to fix things. Just for a second he had allowed himself to think that maybe something was different now, maybe, after everything, she would start to include him in her life more. Now he had found out the truth. Meredith had spoken to him because Addison had told her to. She had only told him what happened when she drowned because Addison said she should. She obviously hadn't really intended to tell him at all. If Addison hadn't stepped in Meredith would have walked away from him forever without so much as an explanation. The thought made his stomach turn.

Now Derek sat in the only peaceful place he could find, the one place he could hide away without having to worry about being bothered, at least for a while, a supply closet. He sat on the floor in the small, dark space, surrounded by steel shelves of hospital supplies, bedding and towels, and various small items of equipment, turning everything over in his mind, whilst vaguely, in the distance, he could hear the hospital routine carrying on without him. It felt like he was cut off from everything outside the four walls of the closet, and right now, just for a second, that suited Derek just fine. He didn't want to be out there right now, because if he was and he saw Meredith, he knew he would end up yelling at her. He would say things, nasty, cruel things, and then they would be over again, and, as much as he couldn't stand the idea of her not talking to him and excluding him from every important area of her life, the thought of being without her was worse. Just a couple of days before he had faced the reality of losing Meredith and he'd ended up trying to drink himself stupid. Then there was all the time when he was back with Addison, months when he thought the longing, the aching, painful need he felt for Meredith would really drive him mad, and the hours after she drowned, when he didn't know how he would ever go on without her if she didn't come back.

Derek knew as he sat in the silence of the supply closet that somehow, without him ever realising it was happening, Meredith Grey had burrowed so deeply inside him that there was no way he could get her out, even if he wanted to. It seemed to Derek Shepherd as if he was like something he had once seen on a natural history documentary, a fly. He remembered watching the show, staring at the screen in morbid fascination as a wasp, some bizarre exotic breed, came along and laid its eggs inside the fly, who then acted as host to the larvae who, as they developed, would eat their victim alive. That was what being with Meredith had been like right from the start. She had consumed him.

From the moment he realised she was more than a one night stand all those months ago, Derek knew Meredith had invaded him, right to the core. He had to be with her because being without her was unimaginable. But now she kept pushing him away, choosing to turn to other people rather than him, only letting him in so far before she backed off again, and he was powerless to stop it. Even in the locker room on Christina and Burke's wedding day, he knew that even though she had pulled the shutters down against him as far as they would go, he could never end it. He, Derek Shepherd, world renowned neurosurgeon, had been reduced to pleading with a woman to put him out of his misery. Without even trying, Meredith had made him need her in a way that he had never needed anyone before, she owned him, controlled him, in a way that Addison, with all her self-assurance and confidence never had. That thought in itself was terrifying.

Derek had always told himself that he was independent and in control of his own life. He knew what he was doing and where he was going, and that was that. Even when his marriage had fallen apart and the people he thought he could trust most betrayed him, Derek had picked himself up and rebuilt his life, made the changes he needed to make to move on. Now there was Meredith, and she controlled him. She was a tiny, slightly built woman, but she ruled over him like a giant, and more than that, she had the power to withdraw herself from him at any time. She had done just that when she drowned and again when she broke up with him at the wedding. She had done it over and over again since they got back together after his divorce. Every time she needed to confide in someone she would turn to Christina Yang or one of her other friends, her family, as she often called them. Whenever one of them needed someone she was there, literally giving up house space for Karev and Yang when they had nowhere else to go, and shunting him off to the sidelines.

Something inside Derek suddenly twisted. The knot in his chest that wouldn't leave him alone tightened, making him feel nauseous. Derek took several deep breathes, fighting the urge to reach for a sick bag from the shelf he was leaning against. He couldn't throw up in a supply closet, just couldn't. He forced his stomach to regain control, swallowing down the bitter taste of bile in the back of his throat as his skin became clammy. His mind was in freefall, dragging him back months to before Addison arrived in Seattle. He could see Meredith as she tried to get him to tell her about himself. He remembered the fear he felt, knowing that if he told her the truth she would leave him. He told himself he hadn't meant to lie, that he _would_ tell her eventually, but the time had to be right, so he told her about his sisters, his nephews and nieces, what flavour ice-cream he liked, what music he was in to, and his favourite book. He remembered them standing outside his trailer as he took her there for the first time, his insides squirming as he damned near prayed that it would be enough, at least for now and that she wouldn't push for more, but knowing that saying 'Oh, and by the way, I have a wife', would end things. Derek remembered telling himself that one day he would tell her. He wasn't being deliberately deceitful, he just didn't want her to be hurt and he knew if he told her the truth she _would_ be hurt and she would leave him. He knew even then that Meredith would never settle for being the other woman, but he told himself that Addison was in New York, and while she was there he could ignore her existence until he had to, because admitting that she existed would end things with Meredith, and he just couldn't let that happen, not yet. He remembered holding his breathe for a second, waiting for Meredith to react, then, he couldn't believe it when she reached for his hand and smiled, a beautiful, almost ethereal smile, filled with happiness and….trust.

Derek remembered the time when Meredith told him about her mother's Alzheimer's. She had been telling people that her mother was travelling. Then there was a day when every time he saw her, she had her mobile phone almost clamped to her ear, before switching it off quickly when she knew she had been discovered. Derek remembered talking to her and suddenly becoming aware that she was studying him. He watched her, her eyes burning with the turmoil she was obviously struggling with. Then she blurted it out. She told him that her mother wasn't travelling, she wasn't anything. When Derek's confusion showed in his face Meredith went on, telling him that her mother had early onset Alzheimer's, she was in a nursing home, and worse, it was only Meredith who knew. Derek remembered feeling overwhelmed with the need to protect her when she said she didn't know what to do any more. He found himself almost overflowing with pride that she trusted him enough to tell him something that her mother had made her promise not to tell anyone.

_Trust_. In the beginning Meredith had trusted him enough to tell him things. She had confided something to him that she hadn't told anyone, not even her closest friends.

Derek thought back, remembering how he and Meredith were just beginning to make some rules for their relationship, becoming exclusive and setting boundaries. He remembered telling himself more firmly that he wasn't lying, he was preventing Meredith being hurt. She didn't need to know about Addison. The time wasn't right. Then time ran out. Addison started leaving him messages. He didn't reply to her. He was still angry enough with her to delete her messages without even checking them. He didn't want to talk to her, not even in a text message. It never even occurred to him that Addison would refuse to give up.

Derek could still see the look of confusion on Meredith's face as Addison introduced herself as his wife. She looked completely stunned, as if someone had run a truck over her, then reversed it and done it again just to be sure. He remembered how Meredith's eyes switched in rapid succession between him and Addison as she tried to take in what was going on. He watched as the light in her eyes faded to something that was dark and dim and totally bewildered. Then he saw her gaze flash with fury when she became angry. He saw the trust she had given him dwindle away until there was nothing except anger and hurt. He remembered feeling afraid, trying to reason with her as she walked away from him through the rain.

Derek knew in that moment he had shattered everything Meredith had invested in him. She was beginning to open up to him, to talk to him about her most private feelings, and he had ruined it, not by lying to her deliberately, even now he wouldn't say that he had done any of it deliberately, but by not telling her the truth. Then he had made it worse by realising that he had to try again with Addison. He remembered admitting to himself that he had been partly responsible for the mess his marriage turned in to and he had to be sure it was really over before he ended it. He made himself ignore a voice in his head telling him he was wrong. He knew he had to try.

Now, months later, Meredith obviously still didn't trust him. If he asked her, she would insist that she did, but Derek knew the truth. As much as it killed him to admit it, he knew. Meredith didn't trust him. He had let her down, betrayed her, failed her. She didn't trust him and it was entirely his own fault.

Derek jumped when his pager went off. He got up unsteadily and went to the door, opening it slowly, as if staying right where he was in the supply closet was a much preferable idea to going to work.

As Derek stepped out of the dark supply closet, into the bright light of hospital, he almost walked straight into someone. His breath caught in the back of his throat. Meredith.

'Hey', Meredith smiled as she stopped to avoid colliding with someone who was obviously not looking where he was going. The soft soles of her shoes squeaked against the tiled floor as she halted abruptly. 'You really do get everywhere don't you?'

Derek's heart turned over at the sight of her. His face fell into an automatic smile. Somehow she could do that to him. Everything he had just been thinking about vanished as soon as he saw her. 'Oh well, you know me, I have a reputation for being everywhere, all the time, say….'

'Saying things' Meredith interjected, her eyes shining with amusement.

'Exactly', Derek nodded, his smile slipping away.

The two stood in the corridor looking at each other, neither of them wanting to move. Derek was aware that his pager was still beeping, but he couldn't hear it. All he knew was Meredith.

Meredith suddenly seemed to realise that Derek's pager was beeping. She looked down at it before looking back up at Derek, frowning. Something was wrong, she knew it. Derek always responded to pages. The anxiety from earlier at the trailer came over her again. 'Don't you think you should get that or something?' she asked, glancing back towards the pager again.

Derek came back from where his mind had wandered off to. He unclipped his pager from his belt and looked at it. 'It's nothing, I'm just running a little late, that's all.' He smiled again.

Meredith was becoming uneasy. Something was definitely wrong. Derek was still standing there, almost staring at her, like he thought that if he took his eyes off her she would disappear. 'Are you okay?' she asked, unable to keep her concern out of her tone. 'You seem a bit…'

The knot in Derek's chest twisted. Now he was worrying her. 'I'm fine, I just…' Then Derek didn't know what came over him. He stepped forward, and without thinking about the fact that they were in the middle of a corridor at work, where anyone could see them, he pulled Meredith into his arms. He heard her squeak in surprise just for a second, but smiled to himself when she made no move to push him off. He held her as tight as he could, pulling her so close that she was standing on her tip-toes to rest her chin on his shoulder. Then, when Derek felt her move, he eased her away.

Meredith stepped back from Derek and straightened up her lab-coat which was crumpled from where he had held her. Now she was even more confused. 'What was that for?' she asked, 'I mean, it was nice, I wouldn't say it wasn't nice, because it was but….what was it for?' Meredith winced inwardly. Now she was rambling. Again.

Derek grinned, enjoying the way he could make Meredith ramble so easily. 'It was just….because'.

'Because?' Meredith's brows furrowed in confusion. She didn't have a clue what he was talking about.

'Because' Derek repeated, before turning away and walking quickly down the corridor, leaving Meredith to watch him go.

A/N Well, there we are, chapter 9! If anyone thinks I've gone mad and contradicted myself in this, please feel free to say so in a review. I know it seems on the face of it that I have done just that, but Derek was insisting on some cuddle time with Meredith, seeing as he's not getting any….well, you know. I was also trying to make a point with this chapter, which the clever readers will probably see. Further explanation will be provided in the author note to chapter 10, providing you review chapter 9. Stick with me this week because it is likely to get a little busy for me….again, however, more soon…ish, well, sort of ish.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N OK, first I need to apologise for being disgustingly slow to get back to this. I said it would be a while, but what I didn't expect was a while to turn into an age. I was busy and then I admit, I wasn't in a creative mood. Still, better now, well, almost. Either way, I'm back and glad to be so.

Yes, as some of you rightly say in your reviews, Derek finally gets that the problems between him Meredith situation aren't entirely down to her, he plays a part too. I think with Derek you have to understand he refuses to see things he can't deal with until it all explodes in his face. What I was doing with chapter 9 was taking Derek through the process of being angry again over Meredith's inability to talk to him until he suddenly realises that she hasn't always been like that, at least not all the time. It's as if quite suddenly, he joins the dots up.

I wanted to look at the need Derek has for Meredith too. He needs her in a way he never needed Addison. Meredith has completely changed Derek's ideas of himself and that scares him. It scares him more that he could lose her so easily. The end of the chapter shows how for Derek, Meredith just makes everything stop. All the anger and turmoil he had been in just a moment before vanishes as soon as he sees Meredith. I just thought the hug at the end was a cute way of showing Derek's need for Meredith and how he can see what he has put her through and yet somehow, despite all the problems, she is with him again. It's as if he can see her in a whole new light. He also sees himself differently too and he doesn't like what he sees at the moment.

Anyway, enough waffle! Meredith rambles and I waffle! Enough! Please, read and review, and after such a long gap, it's most important that you enjoy. I promise at least one more chapter up this week. No more long gaps, well, not for a while.

Meredith spent the rest of the day thinking about Derek. That in itself wasn't new, she knew that. In fact, the whole hospital seemed all too well aware that she'd spent most of her intern year thinking about Derek. First there was the painfully embarrassing moment when she realised that the man she had just spent the night with was her boss, closely followed by all the time when she was refusing to go out with him and he just kept right on asking. There were the early mornings when she practically sleep-walked through rounds after nights of the best sex she'd ever had in her life. Meredith smothered a snigger at the memory. At least, she thought, she wasn't the only one who looked like she'd suddenly become an insomniac. Derek was equally exhausted, not to mention Izzie and George…..

The memories weren't all so much fun. At the top of that list had to be the night Addison turned up in all her red-haired, perfectly styled, immaculately dressed, glory and announced that she was Derek's wife. Meredith remembered how she'd stared between Derek and Addison in disbelief, hoping that any second one of them would laugh and say it was a joke. She remembered the air as it seemed to fall out of her lungs when she realised it wasn't a joke at all, that Derek was a married man, at which the disbelief was replaced by cold-blooded fury. There was all the time when Derek was supposed to be ending his marriage, when Meredith was stuck in limbo, not in a relationship, but not entirely out of one, until Derek made up his mind and decided to pick his wife. Meredith remembered vividly the time that followed, where everyone in the hospital seemed to know every last detail about her private life, there were weeks of being stared at and whispered about until the hospital gossip chain switched to something else. Eventually there was the time with Finn and trying to be friends with Derek. Meredith told herself now that she should have known it wouldn't work. Finn was sweet and kind, but he just didn't make her feel the way Derek did. When she was in Finn's arms she knew he wanted to take care of her, but his arms still left her feeling cold and alone. Meredith could see now, it would never have worked with Finn because she just couldn't stop thinking about Derek.

The only times she had really not thought about him at all were the times that Meredith wanted to forget. Moments when she had made mistakes, huge, horrible mistakes that by some miracle had turned out right in the end. By rights she should either be dead and without Derek, or they should be apart because she had broken up with him. Instead, they were together and he had just taken her in his arms in a corridor at work and held her in a bone crushing hug, which was…weird. Definitely weird. It wasn't even that he'd never hugged her in the corridor before. He had, just once, when she was upset over a fight with Susan, before they made friends, and Derek was upset over a talk with the Chief about replacing him….

Meredith's mind screeched to a halt. The Chief thing. Derek was in the race for Chief, but Richard Webber hadn't retired after all. No reason, no explanation was offered, he had just stayed.

Meredith was on a break. She sat, sipping a coffee in the canteen, trying to figure out what Derek's hug meant and why she hadn't asked before why he wasn't Chief. He had wanted the job as long as she'd known him. It was as if he knew that once the Chief retired he would replace him. It was a given. No debate necessary. But Derek wasn't Chief, and as Meredith sat, nursing her almost cold coffee, she realised that she hadn't even realised until now that she hadn't asked him why. With breaking up with him and then getting him back and also being worried about Christina, the Chief thing had faded to nothing, but now it was back, roaring at full strength to the front of her mind.

Taking her mind back weeks, Meredith remembered the day of Derek's interview for the job. He was upset afterwards, certain he hadn't done well. The only thing he would say is that he was distracted. When she asked by what, he said nothing, he didn't know. Meredith could see he was upset, she saw the heaviness around his eyes, but she told herself that he had been worried about the Chief thing for a while and it had caught up with him. So, as they lay in bed, Meredith decided to help him. She asked him on a scale of one to ten how bad it was, using the simple way they measured patients pain in the hospital. When he said 'eight' Meredith kissed him, turning more into his arms. Then, as the scale went down, she went on kissing him, their bodies rolling over and over in her bed. By the time he got to three, his voice was no more than a whispery moan and Meredith knew he wasn't distracted any more, not by his interview anyway. They had sex, great sex, and then, as they lay spooned together, Derek said he was going to talk to the Chief again and see if he could persuade him to support him when the Board voted. The Chief refused to do it, and so Derek and Meredith had comforted each other with a quick embrace in the corridor.

When, within days, everything fell apart again, Meredith totally forgot about the race for Chief. Until now. Now it was there, clawing at her insides. Jabbing at her. Derek had held her again at work, not just hugged, but gripped her like his life depended on it, and he wasn't Chief and she didn't know why.

When Derek had held her before, they were both upset, it was a comfort thing. Now, they were okay, he said they were, but he held her anyway, and apparently just 'because'. The Chief thing should have been decided by now, it was due to be decided….Meredith's train of thought broke. It slammed into her so hard, her head spun. The new Chief was going to be announced on Christina and Burke's wedding day, the day she broke up with Derek.

Meredith wanted to run. A cold sensation washed over her. Derek hadn't got the Chief's job. He'd been turned down because he hadn't done well in his interview, which happened just after she drowned, when he was hovering over her. Derek wasn't the Chief of Surgery and it was her fault.

A/N There we are, a short chapter full of Meredith's thoughts. I decided to give Meredith something to think (a.k.a. worry) about, and as yet, unlike Derek, she hasn't had a chapter where she thinks so much about what's going on. There have been other people around, Addison, Christina and Derek, all pulling Meredith away from thinking the worst. Now she's alone for a while, and she knows something is 'off' with Derek, but she can't work out what that is, though in true Meredith form, she thinks it's all down to her. So now, in their various ways, they are both wrapped up in their own forms of guilt, Derek over the way he has behaved in the past, and Meredith over thinking Derek has lost his chance to be Chief because of her. So now what will they do? Review and you'll find out.


	11. Chapter 11

A/N The last chapter was short, deliberately short, and as such I wasn't surprised when it got few reviews, but I admit, I expected a few more than it got. Perhaps this one will give you more to comment on. Any views you have, constructively made, will be much appreciated. I realise you've coped with long gaps from me, and I appreciate very much those of you who have stuck with me so far, but please, take a moment to review. I write much faster when I'm reviewed.

Meredith was still wrapped in thought by the time her shift ended. She went and changed out of her scrubs and left the locker room, relieved for once that her friends weren't around. Izzie was working a late shift and probably wouldn't be home for a few more hours, Christina was in yet another surgery with Dr. Hahn and Alex was probably off trying to get into Sloan's latest plastics procedure and failing abysmally.

From being Sloan's lackey as an intern, running around after him just to get the chance to get in on a surgery, Alex now appeared to be being ignored by the hospital's most arrogant Attending. Even if the two men passed each other by in the canteen Mark Sloan would glare and deliberately turn his back on Alex, or saunter over and casually ask Izzie if she'd like to scrub in on his surgery, smirking in Alex's direction while he asked, watching him for any reaction, which as yet, he hadn't made. Meredith couldn't help wondering what she'd missed between Sloan and Alex, but then, she told herself, if she hadn't known her boyfriend, or ex-boyfriend, or whatever he'd been at the time, had been turned down for the job he'd set his heart on, she could hardly expect to know what was going on with her friends.

Meredith was still preoccupied by Derek. She kept questioning herself over and over, anxiety gripping her insides, writhing around like a snake in the pit of her stomach. She wondered when he'd found out he hadn't got the Chief's job, before the wedding or after? She tormented herself, thinking that even as she was breaking up with Derek, he already knew he hadn't got the job and had kept it from her, thinking she wouldn't care. She told herself, as she had done earlier, that it was her fault. Derek had been so busy with her after she drowned that he had performed badly in his interview and so he hadn't got the job, it was her fault. Fault. Blame. The words thumped around in Meredith's head, tormented her.

'Hey, are you trying to leave without me?' Meredith's thoughts were cut off by a familiar voice. It made her heart pound. She turned to face him. Derek.

Meredith blinked in surprise, realising that she'd been just about to walk out of the hospital's front entrance and had managed to walk right past Derek in the lobby without even seeing him. She saw him now, standing by the elevator, briefcase in hand and a smile on his face. Her insides twitched at the sight of him, he looked….happy. She forced a smile onto her own face. 'Oh, er…I…' Meredith winced inside. She didn't know what to say to him. He'd lost out on Chief because of _her_.

Derek moved away from the elevator and went to Meredith's side. Something was wrong, he knew it. Meredith looked worried about something, but what? Something gnawed at Derek's stomach, an anxious sensation settled inside him, and the knot that now seemed to be a constant presence in his chest tightened. Meredith was upset. 'What's up?' he said at last, as they made their way through the foyer together. 'You seem a bit…'

Meredith winced inside. He'd noticed. Derek seemed to notice everything about her. That's what made being with him so hard sometimes. She struggled to read him so often, mainly because she was so used to expecting the worst from people, but Derek could read her like a book, she couldn't get away with things like she could with her friends. Derek didn't give up so easily. All the same, she found herself answering him automatically. 'I'm fine' she replied, unable to force herself to look at him when she said it. Now they were in the car park and Meredith stepped towards where her car was parked, but suddenly an arm was holding her back, not tight enough to hurt, but enough to stop her movement.

'Meredith' Derek said simply, holding her arm, turning her to face him. He didn't like this. She was being evasive again, pushing him away. Something was wrong. His stomach twisted anxiously.

Meredith looked up at Derek's face at last. She looked into his eyes and saw the concern in the deep indigo pools. She forced a smile onto her face. 'I'm fine, seriously. I'm just a little tired, so let's go home and you can cook me some dinner, I'm starving!' She smiled more brightly as she finished speaking, telling herself that she couldn't just burst out with everything that was bothering her, not here. The hospital was the already the scene of enough of the drama that was her life. The gossip-mongers didn't need any new material.

Derek raised a hand slowly and cupped Meredith's cheek, his large hand caressing her lower jaw chin tenderly. He studied her face, searched for any sign that she was holding something back. He looked into her eyes and saw something there he couldn't make out. Worry or fear lingered in her eyes, barely disguised at all by the smile on her face, which was slowly disappearing as he held her, until just the corners of her mouth were turned slightly upwards as her lips became straight again. 'Look Meredith, if there's something wrong, I…'

'There's nothing wrong Derek!' Meredith insisted, cutting across him abruptly, 'I'm just tired and I'd really like to go home and eat, so if you've finished inspecting me and you still intend to spend the night, then I think you should let me get into the car!' Meredith knew she was becoming angry, she was almost yelling at him. She knew she was being unreasonable, but she couldn't talk about it here, not now.

That was it. Derek knew he was finished. He couldn't argue with her. He knew something was wrong, it was written all over Meredith's face, but he knew that if he pushed now, she would yell and they would fight, and he couldn't let that happen. If he pushed, he knew she would push back, just like she had done before, so, with a resigned sigh and one last tender stroke across Meredith's cheek, Derek released her. 'Okay' he whispered softly, trying to soothe her.

Meredith stood for a second in disbelief. Derek had given up? He was just going to accept that she really was fine? She couldn't believe it. 'Okay?' she asked, sounding stunned, even to her own ears.

'Okay', Derek sighed again and got into Meredith's car on the drivers side. All Meredith could do was follow and get into the car beside him. When they were both settled, Derek pulled out of the car park, switching on the windscreen wipers as the rain began to fall in the night air.

Meredith settled back into her seat, cocooned in the warmth of the car, and listened to the rhythmic swish of the wipers washing the rain away, just the occasional squeak of the rubber catching the glass breaking the slow, even sound. It soothed her, she felt the earlier tension slowly beginning to slip away. It was times like this that Meredith appreciated the way Derek always drove when he was with her, even in her car. She didn't know exactly how that had started, it had just happened. Soon after they got involved the first time around, before Addison showed up, Derek was spending all his free time at her place anyway, so it made sense to use one car. Somehow it seemed right to let him drive, Meredith sensed he wouldn't make a good passenger. Images of the fights they would have if he criticised her driving even in the smallest way were enough. Meredith knew from the past, fighting over trivial things led to fighting over big things, which led to people going away. Meredith didn't want Derek to go away, so she let him drive. He'd gone away anyway, when Addison arrived on the scene, and Meredith even thought about getting a new car, the thought of travelling alone holding no appeal. Later, when he was back, it didn't take long for him to start driving her again, and now it was second nature. It was one of their things, like elevators and ferryboats….and sex. She smiled at the thought.

Derek kept his eyes on the road as he manoeuvred through the Seattle traffic. All the time his mind kept wandering to Meredith. He knew something was wrong, the way she'd snapped in the car park just now told him better than anything that something was upsetting her. He wondered what could have happened. In spite of the fiasco the previous night, when whatever he did, he just couldn't turn things on for Meredith like he usually could, they'd parted for work happily enough. When he bumped in to her as he left the supply closet, she still seemed fine, even if she stood staring at him like a stunned Mullet after he held her. Derek suppressed a grin at the memory. So, he mused, whatever was wrong must have happened later, after he'd gone off to respond to his pager. Maybe, he thought, she'd just had a busy day and she really was tired and hungry. Maybe he was worrying about nothing, he persuaded himself, trying to force away something inside that told him he was fooling himself. As the busy traffic eased nearer the suburbs, Derek risked a glance across at Meredith and found that she was smiling quietly to herself. Relief washed over him. Maybe he was worrying about nothing after all. 'You look happier now' he said softly, turning just for a second to look at her face.

Meredith turned herself a little in her seat, facing Derek. 'I was just thinking how I like it when you drive…in the car that is' she added, a little giggle escaping at her own joke.

Derek grinned. She really was happier. 'Oh really, well you know, I'm good at driving…in the car' his words came out low and seductive. He forced himself to concentrate on the road again, knowing that if he didn't while Meredith was looking at him like she was now, things could get…problematic, especially for other road users.

Meredith giggled again. 'I know you are, and not just in the car either.'

Derek grinned at her unusual compliment, not saying anything. Then he became more serious. He sensed he needed to say something about before, and now seemed to be the time. He kept his eyes on the road ahead. 'Look Meredith, earlier, I wasn't trying to push you, or make you tell me anything. I was just trying to help you, you looked upset and I just….'

Meredith's gaze followed Derek's to the road. She could tell by his voice that he was concerned for her. Suddenly she remembered all the time from after she drowned when she was pushing Derek away. She remembered how for weeks the gulf between them seemed to grow by the day, until things became awkward and painful. That had happened, she admitted to herself now, because she hadn't been able to talk to him about what happened when she drowned. It had got bigger and bigger until she decided that she couldn't be with him any more. Being alone would mean she would never have to admit to her mistake, it was easier. So she broke up with him, until Addison turned up and made her see what she'd done. She'd been lucky that time and Derek took her back. She knew from the previous night and the fight they'd had when he tried to ask her about why she had given up, he didn't like what she'd done, but once the fight was over, he hadn't brought it up again. Maybe she needed to be open with him now and see what happened. Another voice in Meredith's head was telling her to keep he mouth shut, she'd told him she was fine, and now, at this moment, he appeared to believe her. Was it worth opening things up again? Meredith made a decision. 'Derek?' she said his name softly, quizzically, keeping her eyes on the road.

Derek turned his head swiftly, distracted just for a moment by Meredith's voice. 'Meredith' he replied, waiting in amazement for what was to come. Meredith was going to talk.

Meredith shifted in her seat nervously. This wasn't as easy now as it was just a second ago. Now Derek was waiting for her to follow through. Heart began to thud. She swallowed hard before her mouth went dry. 'I just…I was thinking….What happened about the Chief thing?'

Just at that moment they arrived at Meredith's house and Derek stopped the car. Neither of them moved to get out. They sat there in silence, Meredith waiting for a response, and Derek wondering what to say. He was taken by surprise. The whole Chief thing didn't seem important now. He'd spoken to Richard, turned the job down and that was that. The decision was made, it was over. He knew as soon as the job was offered that he couldn't take it. He knew he'd made mistakes in his life, big mistakes that had hurt people, Addison and most of all, Meredith, could vouch for that, so he'd turned it down. He knew deep down that if he'd taken the Chief of Surgery position, it would be an ego-boost, something that made him feel better about himself for a while, just like, if he was honest, Addison had been for most of their marriage. The job would never give him fulfilment. Fulfilment lay with the woman who that same day had broken up with him and who now was sitting beside him in her car waiting for an answer.

Meredith waited for Derek to reply. While she waited the nervous feeling inside her grew. What if he said he'd been turned down? What if it was because of his bad interview performance? Would he blame her and walk away now she'd brought it up? She was beginning to wish she'd kept her mouth shut. She was yanked from her anxious thoughts when Derek opened the door on his side of the car. 'Derek?' Meredith almost squeaked. She knew it. She'd made him go away and he didn't want to talk about it. He was just going. She made herself face him as she heard him sigh.

Derek could see how anxious Meredith looked again and he hated himself. He was hurting her again, but for once, he couldn't see how. He was still amazed that she had asked him something about the Chief thing. It hadn't even occurred to him to tell her what had happened when he spoke to Richard after Christina and Burke's failed wedding. He couldn't have done it on the day, she'd broken up with him, making it quite clear she didn't want him around, at least for a while it was clear to him. Then, when they got back together, there were other things to think about, more important things. He hadn't seriously given his decision a thought. With surgical precision he had made the decision and it was over. Judging by the way Meredith was looking now, it obviously wasn't over. He got out of the car, leaning back in to watch Meredith who hadn't made a move.

Meredith saw Derek get out of the car and something inside her knew she couldn't let him go without knowing why. 'I just want to know what happened Derek, that's all, I just…'

Derek sighed again. Then he went quickly round to Meredith's side and opened the door. 'Come inside and while I'm cooking dinner I'll tell you about it' he said steadily, watching as Meredith's eyes widened when he leaned over the car door to talk to her. He couldn't believe how worried she looked about this, it wasn't even important, not now.

Meredith had watched Derek move and had to force herself not to burst into tears and call after him. She was certain Derek was leaving her. She couldn't believe it when he suddenly ran around the car and pulled the door on her side wide open, standing behind it to let her out, his upper body leaning against it a little. 'Derek, what….?' Meredith stopped. She didn't even know what she was asking him any more. All she knew was that he was still there, waiting for her.

Derek moved around the car door into the open space it's opening created. He held out a hand. 'Come on Meredith, I thought you said you were hungry'.

Still unable to take in what was happening, Meredith reached for Derek's hand, got out of the car and without a word, followed him into the house.

A/N There we are, a longer chapter than my last, though I actually resisted the temptation to make it longer. If I'd done so, it would have been ridiculously long in comparison to the previous one, which I hope you can see the purpose of now. The next chapter will be a very important part of the story, one that will go back clearly to the reason I was interested in writing this in the first place. It's a very key chapter, though I hope you can see the reasons for what I've written so far, unless of course you just think I'm rambling now, which you are free to suggest in reviews. Anyway, please read and review. Another chapter very, very soon. It's burning a hole in my brain as I write! I love it when writer's block goes away!


	12. Chapter 12

A/N Thank you all for such lovely feedback on chapter eleven, which was another one of those I loved writing. Those of you who write as well as read fanfiction will be familiar with the feeling of knowing when something feels right and flows easily and that chapter did. I hope I'm showing with this that Derek and Meredith are trying to talk, but both seeing their problems in different ways and not really seeing how much of a mess they are in. They have a lot to work through yet. Anyway, another new chapter which I hope you will read, review, and enjoy. The outcome of this will depend on how soon the next one comes up. I have a basic plan for this story, but no actual notes, so I'm just taking each chapter as it comes at the moment. That's probably why the writer's block has been a problem. Anyway, I think I'm officially unblocked if the previous chapter is any indication. More soonish.

Meredith followed Derek into the house, wondering all the while how her legs were still carrying her. She almost expected that at any moment they would give way beneath her and she would fall in a heap onto floor.

Meredith couldn't get the image of Derek when he got out of the car out of her head. She was so sure he was leaving, she'd actually felt nauseous. Her whole body seemed to just congeal, too scared to move, too afraid to do anything except try to tell him that she'd only wanted to know why he wasn't the new Chief. She felt like a little girl again, a child who didn't dare show how much she hated being left alone with the nanny each night while her mother was at the hospital saving lives. Even as a child Meredith knew that asking her mother not to go would be useless. Her mother's work was important, far more important than reading bedtime stories or tucking her six year old into bed for the night. So Meredith learned not to question her mother's absence, fearing what would happen if she did. She had already lost her father, she couldn't lose her mother as well. Instead, she boxed up her feelings and packed them away. Emotions were for the weak, her mother taught her that.

Now, Meredith had questioned Derek, and instead of going and leaving her again, he was still there. He was standing in her kitchen taking things out of the refrigerator, preparing the evening meal as if everything was normal. Meredith sat down on a stool next to the worktop Derek was using and waited for whatever happened next.

Derek began to prepare the evening meal, working methodically, almost like he would in surgery. He still couldn't see why Meredith was so worried about the Chief thing. He couldn't believe that as he'd held out his hand to help her out of the car just a moment before, he'd taken her hand in his and felt it shaking, not enough to be obvious, but enough for him to know she was upset, so, putting down the knife he was using to chop vegetables, Derek spoke. 'So, you want to know about the Chief thing huh?' he asked, as he poured two cups of coffee. Somehow he knew this wasn't going to be easy. Meredith didn't unload her worries naturally, especially to him, at least, not any more. He handed Meredith a cup of the steaming coffee and then leaned against the kitchen worktop, facing her, ready to talk.

Meredith nodded silently as Derek raised his head from the food preparations and looked into her eyes, watching her face intently, just as he always did, like he was trying to figure out what she was thinking. She found her voiced, nervously, shakily, but she managed to find the words. 'I…I just…I didn't ask before, and I realised today and I just…I knew the new Chief was announced on Christina and Burke's wedding day, the day I….I didn't think about it Derek, not until today, and I knew I hadn't even asked. I didn't think about it, what with us getting back together. I didn't think. Then today, I realised the Chief hadn't left and you hadn't got it, and I remembered your interview, and I just….'

Meredith stopped rambling, catching her breath as the flood of words stopped rushing out of her mouth. She hated it, this ability of hers to ramble, especially when she was nervous or scared of something, and right now, _this_ scared her, the thought that any second Derek would tell her he'd been rejected as the new Chief of Surgery at Seattle Grace and it was her fault and then he would leave, just like he'd left her before.

Derek listened to Meredith's rambling, blinking rapidly in confusion as he tried to take in what she was saying. He just couldn't see why she was so wrapped up in this. He hadn't even thought to tell her what had happened when he saw Richard after the wedding. Meredith had broken up with him at the wedding and then, when he went back to the hospital in search of a surgery to distract himself with, Richard had asked to see him. Then Richard congratulated him and offered him the position he'd wanted for years, the job that was supposed to be his, the job, he told himself, he'd left New York for. It was only then that Derek realised that he didn't really want to be Chief of Surgery after all, if he was honest, he probably never really had. Focusing on being Chief at Seattle Grace had been an excuse, first of all to escape from a marriage that he had stopped wanting years before, and then, in Seattle, after Meredith drowned and began to slip away from him, the race for Chief had given him something to hold on to, something, if he was honest, he could hide behind. Then, when Meredith broke up with him, Derek knew he couldn't fill the gap she left in his life with being Chief. It wouldn't be enough. He could deal with not being Chief, but being without Meredith….The hours after the ferryboat disaster had shown him he couldn't handle being without her.

'Derek?' Meredith had stopped speaking minutes before and waited for Derek to say something, anything, that would make the fear go away. Instead, he was stood, staring into space, as if he was thinking. She swallowed hard before finding her voice again. 'Was it your interview? Was it because you were distracted, because I….'

Derek came out of his thoughts, jolted by Meredith's tone, though he couldn't really take in what she was saying. 'What?' he asked, raising his eyebrows in confusion.

'The reason you're not Chief Derek!' Meredith almost yelled, becoming irritated by how dense Derek was being. 'You obviously lost out on being Chief, and I thought that maybe it was because your interview didn't go well because you were distracted, and I know you were spending a lot of time with me after I drowned and….'

'I didn't fail the interview Meredith,' Derek interjected abruptly, his tone flat. Inside his mind was racing. The drowning. Meredith hadn't mentioned it again since the night they'd argued about it at the trailer, after she'd finally admitted giving up, and now she just brought it up like it was nothing. The drowning, which he'd realised that morning wouldn't have happened at all if he'd just made her stay at home that day. The drowning that was his fault. He forced the thought away. He wasn't going to think about it any more, it was over. He wouldn't allow it room in his head any more, except to think of it as the ferryboat disaster, something remote and distant, something that hadn't directly touched him at all except professionally. He made himself focus on Meredith as she went to get off the stool she'd been sitting in since they'd got home.

Meredith stood, standing opposite Derek, on the other side of the worktop he was leaning against. She looked into his eyes. 'What do you mean, you didn't fail?' she demanded. 'You told me yourself your interview didn't go well and you're obviously not the Chief, so I don't…'

Derek sighed. How could he explain to Meredith that he had just decided that he couldn't be Chief? How could he explain to her that he wasn't the man for the job? He could see her, standing in front of him, waiting for some sort of answer. He knew he had to try. 'I was offered the position after Burke and Christina's wedding' he explained calmly, as if it didn't matter, which, he knew, as far as he was concerned, was true. 'I turned it down'.

Meredith's mouth fell open in disbelief. Derek had wanted to be Chief for as long as she'd known him and he'd turned it down when it was offered? It didn't make sense. She knew now, even more plainly than when Derek was behaving strangely at the hospital earlier, something was wrong. She had so many things she could have said, so many questions, but all that escaped her was a gasp of shock and a high pitched 'What?'

Derek leaned into the worktop more, allowed it to support his weight. He sighed deeply. 'I turned it down Meredith, it's as simple as that. I was offered it, and while the offer was flattering, I knew as soon as it was on the table that I didn't want it. I knew what that meant, I still know. I know that it means that I'm unlikely ever to be considered for it again, and you know, I don't care. I don't need to be Chief'.

'But you've always wanted to be Chief, I don't get what's changed'. Meredith knew she sounded like she was whining now, and at the moment, she really didn't care.

'I've changed Meredith', Derek said urgently. 'I used to think I needed to be Chief and now I know I don't. I don't need to be Chief, so I'm not, it's as simple as that'.

Meredith studied Derek's features uncertainly for any sign he wasn't telling her something. She couldn't shift the feeling that something was wrong, but what? She couldn't work this out, not at all. 'So what you're saying is that once you'd had the offer, you changed your mind, seriously?' Meredith's brows were arched so much they were almost in her hairline.

Derek nodded firmly, wanting this conversation to be over. He knew he hadn't said anything about all the mistakes he'd made, all the things he'd done that he knew he was still learning from, including all the times he'd hurt her and failed her. He couldn't have that discussion, not now. He knew Meredith wouldn't see how that affected his ability to be Chief. She would make excuses for him, let him off the hook by telling him that the past was done, and as much as wiping it away that easily appealed, Derek knew he didn't deserve it. He hadn't brought up how close he'd come to thinking that if he had to choose between being Chief and being with her, the job might win, not because he didn't love her, but because the job would be the easier option. It was when she broke up with him at the wedding that he realised that he didn't want easy, he wanted, no, _needed_ her. If he tried to explain that to her, all she would see was he had almost chosen being Chief over her, and they'd be over again, and he couldn't let that happen, not now. 'That's about the size of it, yes' he said, dragging a smile onto his face.

Meredith continued to study Derek's face for any signs of a lie. She watched him, standing there, leaning against the kitchen worktop, smiling casually and, as much as she couldn't get rid of a lingering doubt, she couldn't see any reason to doubt him. As relief washed over her, she moved, went around to Derek's side of the worktop and punched him as hard as she could on the arm.

'Ow!' Derek cried, rubbing the not so injured limb defensively, 'What was that for?'

'For scaring the crap out of me you idiot!' she yelled, raising her fist again for another blow, which Derek warded off by grabbing her hand. 'I thought you'd lost out on Chief because me, and I was scared, and so….' She got in another punch as Derek dropped her hand. Then, before she could move Derek had pulled her into his arms. She squeaked in surprise for a second, wondering for the second time that day what Derek was holding her for.

Derek held Meredith tightly, instinctively, whilst his head spun. Meredith had thought she was responsible for him not being Chief? It didn't make sense. Then he remembered the state she was in when they met in the lobby at the hospital when they were leaving at the end of their shift. He remembered how upset she was in the car when she asked him about it. She had convinced herself that he wasn't Chief and it was somehow her fault. Something constricted in Derek's chest and he gripped Meredith tighter, just for a second. 'What made you think it was your fault?' he asked automatically, his mind barely functioning to form the words before he spoke. All he could think was that Meredith had been hurt again, because of him. He couldn't stand it.

Meredith leaned on Derek's chest, absorbing his warmth through his shirt. 'I don't know, I just thought something was wrong when you were holding me earlier at work, and I was thinking about that, then I remembered the last time you did it at work, when you were upset because the Chief wouldn't support you with the Board and I'd argued with Susan, and then I remembered that I'd never even asked why you weren't Chief and I remembered you were distracted, you said you were, when you had your interview. It was after I drowned Derek, when you were spending all your time, or as much as you could, with me, so I just thought it must be my fault you'd lost it'.

'Why would me holding you at work give you an idea that something was wrong?' Derek asked, genuinely perplexed. He didn't even really know what had come over him earlier, other than the need to be close to her, but was it any great mystery? He didn't think so.

Meredith lifted her head off Derek's chest and looked up into his eyes. 'I don't know, I just thought it was weird, you were looking at me and then you were holding me, and it just seemed weird, but it made me realise I hadn't asked about the Chief thing and I thought it was my fault you'd missed out, so I was worried. I thought you'd blame me and tell me it was all my fault…I thought….' Meredith broke off, unable think of anything else to say. She sighed and nestled herself against Derek's chest again.

Derek winced inside as Meredith held him now, almost as tightly as he held her. Meredith thought she was responsible for him not being Chief. Well, he told himself, in a way, she was, but not in the way she meant. She thought it was her fault and that wasn't the case. She had blamed herself because he hadn't told her as soon as he could what had happened. He'd made her worry again. Then there was the hug in the corridor at work, a hug that she thought was weird, that she had needed to think about. For Derek it was purely a moment of needing to be close to her. He'd sat in a supply closet and realised all the damage he had caused her since they met and then he'd walked out and almost collided with her. At the time he didn't know what came over him, but now he knew. He had hugged Meredith because he had realised now the damage he had done to her and how much he had hurt her, and yet, somehow, she was still there, with him. She had broken up with him, but she was back again, with him, even knowing how much he had hurt her before.

But still, Derek knew there had been something else. Meredith's face when she said she thought he would blame her for losing out on Chief. She looked like she'd expected him to leave her. In spite of everything she still didn't trust him. He knew he'd been right earlier. Meredith still didn't trust him because he'd left her before. She thought he would do it again. He wanted to tell her he wouldn't, that he couldn't do it now, or ever again, because the thought of living without her was unbearable, but he knew he couldn't do that. If he did, Derek knew his mind would go back over the time when living without her nearly became a reality, when she drowned. He wasn't going to think about it any more. He wasn't. It was done, finished. Instead, he backed off from Meredith a little and, placing a finger under her chin, he turned her eyes to his. 'I hugged you because I felt like it, and I turned down being Chief because I don't need to be Chief, it wasn't your fault at all, okay?' he said simply, concentrating on Meredith's eyes, needing her to believe him, hoping she wouldn't question him any more.

'Okay' Meredith replied, feeling weak with relief. She leaned back into Derek just for a moment. Then, as he held her close, Meredith knew what she wanted now. 'Take me to bed Derek' she sighed.

Derek backed off slightly. 'I thought you said you were hungry', he raised an eyebrow.

Meredith smiled, 'I am, but not for food any more'.

Derek laughed as something, a feeling, began to settle in the pit of his stomach. He forced it away. 'Come on then' he said, leading her out of the kitchen and up the stairs to her bed. His mind was still turning over everything they'd talked about, he knew he hadn't told her everything, he hadn't been completely honest, but, he told himself, he couldn't. Meredith didn't trust him completely, that much was certain now, and while that was the case, he couldn't just dump everything on her. He couldn't tell her he'd almost chosen being Chief over her because she would leave him, or think he didn't want her. He couldn't tell her he would never leave her again, because he knew he'd never live without her until she was ready to trust that he was telling the truth. He was trapped into not being entirely open with her. Now, when she had opened herself up to him and faced something that had obviously scared her, he hated himself for it. He had held things back from her again, just as he'd done before when he had gone out of his way not to tell her he was married. That he told himself he was doing it for her own good didn't help. He was deceiving her again. He forced the thought away as they went into Meredith's room. He could at least do this for her.

Within seconds of being in the bedroom clothes were being removed and kisses and caresses were rapidly becoming more and more urgent. Soon they were on the bed, rolling over and over as they touched, moaning with pleasure as the intensity of it deepened. When, moments later, as Derek moved to join his body with hers and froze, swearing loudly, any idea Meredith had that everything was fine now vanished. They both collapsed on the bed, breathing heavily from exertion and frustration. Meredith knew now, despite Derek's earlier reassurances, something was wrong, very wrong.

Derek swore again and lay on his back, without making any move to take Meredith in his arms or say anything. He lay there, staring at the ceiling, breathing deeply. The only thing he could think was that he had failed Meredith again.

A/N Oh dear. These two really are a mess aren't they? Meredith was trying to convince herself they were all right until the sex didn't work out again and Derek is still intent on torturing himself instead of letting it all out. He's pushing the drowning away on the one hand, but having to face the reality of other areas where he has failed, and he can't deal with that. Derek doesn't do failure. The outcome is a shame because they were doing so well with the talking thing, well, apart from the fact that Derek is holding stuff back now, effectively doing a Meredith, and Meredith was trying to convince herself that everything is all right until the sex doesn't work which makes her realise something is still wrong.

More soon. If the new Harry Potter arrives with me on Saturday, expect another update in the week as soon as I can. If not I'll be annoyed which might inspire another chapter tomorrow. We'll see. Anyway, please review, I like it when you do.


	13. Chapter 13

A/N I have to apologise once again for being slow to update. I don't know if many of you are from the UK, but those of you who are will know a little at least about the extensive flooding in the south and Midlands part of the UK. I live in a city called Worcester which was affected, though, thank goodness, my own property wasn't touched. However, for a few days the various problems the floods and heavy rain caused had a knock on effect on my routine, which took away the time I could use to write. My carers had to travel greater distances to get to me due to many roads being closed, so it meant I was going to bed earlier in the evening. Anything I really needed to do had to be done in less time than usual, and, I'm sure you'll see, writing was pretty low on the priority list. Anyway, all is well now for me, so I'm back, apologising profusely for the delays. I'm going to try harder this week to catch up before I leave in early August for a few days for my sister's wedding. However, I would just like to say, if any of you are from the UK and living in the Gloucester area, which has been hit terribly by the floods, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Anyway, thank you all so much for your kind thoughts on the previous chapters. I think now you might see where I'm going with this. I love the number of reviews I've had for this, though more are always much appreciated. I'm a review junkie, I can see that now, no point denying it. I'm thrilled by the number of you who have this in your favourite stories list. As ever, please don't be offended if I don't reply to reviews. I will do it immediately if they have points I'd like to respond to, but other than that, as this has taken me longer than I would like, I'd rather concentrate on the writing, as a thank you to you all for your support and then reply to all my reviews later. Now, on with this!

Meredith lay on her back, in bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering how things could have suddenly turned to crap again. Or, she asked herself, was it really sudden at all? She'd known for days Derek didn't seem right and now there it was, staring her in the face. He lay beside her on his side, a large expanse of bed between them. It just about said it all.

Meredith's mind went back to the night when she asked Derek why he wasn't the new Chief of Surgery, the night she'd been scared he would blame her for it and leave. She still felt the relief washing over her when she realised that he hadn't gone at all, that he was there, explaining to her that he'd turned the job down. He'd been flattered, he said, but he'd realised he didn't want to be Chief. Meredith still remembered sensing that something wasn't right. Derek had always wanted to be Chief, so why this sudden change? She still couldn't work it out, not if she was honest. But at the time, Derek simply said he didn't need to be Chief, and that was it. As Meredith watched his face for any sign of doubt or regret, he smiled at her and it all vanished in a puff of smoke. As she smacked him around, half playing, and half struggling to push down the overwhelming need to burst into tears of relief, she allowed herself to believe that everything was all right. Derek was still there, he wasn't leaving again. Everything was fine. She forced away the thought of earlier at the hospital when he suddenly took her into his arms and held her like his life depended on it, allowing herself to believe that he had done it purely because he felt like it. Right then, in that moment, Derek was there, he wasn't leaving again. It was enough. It stirred up everything inside her, the ache she constantly felt for him, which, however much they were together, never went away. She could never get enough of the way Derek made her feel when they had sex, the way he filled her, completed her like no other man ever had before. All the men she'd slept with before she met him and during the times when he left to try to fix his marriage, paled into nothing. Some of them had been good, some of them had even been very good, but none of them were Derek.

On that prom night all those months ago, when everything fell apart and they ended up having adulterous sex in an exam room, Meredith knew that as much as it was wrong and dirty, he was committing adultery with her in an unlocked room, knowing that at any moment anyone could walk in on them, including his wife, it felt too right to make him stop. Meredith knew that she would only have to tell him to stop and he would. There was no question of that. She hadn't made him stop; the truth was, it hadn't even entered her mind. All she knew as she moved to help Derek remove her underwear, was that they would soon be home. It was cheesy and ridiculous, she knew that. She was having sex with another woman's husband, it should have felt wrong, she should have hated herself for doing it, and him for letting her, but she didn't care. When they were together like this, it was like being home. When Derek touched her, when he was inside her, Meredith knew herself in a way she never had before. She felt worth something. All the years of disapproval and abandonment disappeared for a while, consumed by this man who seemed to be as hungry for her as she was for him. They couldn't get enough of each other.

Now, days after they had talked about the Chief thing and then she'd asked him to take her to bed, her need to be with him again almost smothering her, Meredith knew the truth. She'd been kidding herself, telling herself that once they'd talked about the Chief thing everything would be fine. Instead, they'd talked and then come to bed, hardly able to wait to get out of their clothes. Meredith knew that was the moment everything crashed. When Derek rolled off her, swearing in frustration, she knew. Something _was_ wrong. As the days went by they tried again and again to have sex and it didn't work. Meredith felt like something was slipping away, something she needed, that was there, but just too far out of reach. Derek made no attempt to comfort or reassure her. He just lay there, on his back each time, offering her nothing as his face flushed with confusion and frustration.

As each time happened, Derek seemed to go further into himself. After each attempt, he would lie on his back for a while as he breathed deeply, then he would turn over on his side, away from her, and he would fall asleep.

It was as if a line had been drawn down the bed, separating them, a line neither of them was strong enough to cross, a line that Derek seemed to want to retreat from. Whereas before they would spoon together to sleep, Meredith pulling Derek's arm around her so his hand was under cheek, so that their bodies still touched as they slept comfortably, now they kept determinedly to their own sides of the double bed at her house. Derek hadn't asked her to sleep at the trailer with him. Meredith couldn't help the thought that it was because in the trailer the bed wasn't big enough for the two of them unless they were close together. At her place they could share the bed and didn't even have to touch unless they wanted to.

The awkwardness between the two of them began to touch other people. Meredith cringed when her mind went back a couple of days to a breakfast she would much rather forget. At the time she'd wanted to strangle Izzie, even if she hadn't known what she'd done.

Meredith and Derek had gone down for breakfast. They were sitting there, Derek chewing his way through his muesli methodically, staring at it like the bowl of cereal held all the secrets of the universe in it's milky, fruit-filled, revoltingly healthy depths. Meredith sat nibbling on an apple, a compromise between going to work having eaten nothing, which she'd done so often in the dim and distant past, or reaching for whatever was lurking in the back of the refrigerator, like cold pizza. When they were together before Addison, Derek had tried to get her to try the muesli, telling her how good it was, and the benefits of a healthy breakfast, but Meredith had dug her heels in. There was no way in hell she was eating something that looked a step, a very small step, from bird droppings.

The two of them didn't talk. Meredith couldn't think what to say. She wanted to tell him that the previous night didn't matter, a night when yet again they'd both ended up unfulfilled and frustrated. Meredith couldn't help thinking back to the first time this happened, at the trailer, when Derek rushed to tell her it wasn't her fault. Now Derek seemed to be unable to do that, or unwilling, Meredith thought, before forcing the thought away. She told herself she wasn't going to get angry about this. Derek felt badly enough about it as it was, she could see it in his face. He didn't need her nagging him to comfort her. He was as confused as her. Besides, if she nagged he would go away. She didn't want him to go away.

Meredith's thoughts were interrupted by Izzie as she swept brightly into the kitchen. Meredith smothered a groan. Why, of all days, did Izzie decide to get up today in one of her good moods? Izzie had been miserable on and off since Christina's almost wedding. Why did she have to be happy today? Meredith stamped down hard on the thought. It was unkind and spiteful. She tried to catch Derek's eye but he was still focused on his apparently all-consuming bowl of muesli.

'Good morning you two!' Izzie trilled brightly, pouring herself a cup of coffee and standing at the kitchen counter to drink it. She didn't seem to notice the atmosphere in the room which was as heavy as lead.

'Hey Iz' Meredith replied, smiling towards her friend. 'Are you okay?' she asked, wondering why Izzie seemed almost ready to bounce around the room. She seemed to be full of energy, or, Meredith asked herself, was it just that she was exhausted this morning? Was that the reason Izzie seemed ready to burst with something, an energy that she, Meredith, didn't have? Derek ignored Izzie's entrance. He seemed to concentrate even more on his muesli, chewing it, Meredith thought, far more than seemed necessary.

'I'm great!' Izzie exclaimed quickly, almost jumping on the spot as she spoke. 'I overheard Bailey on the phone last night at the hospital, and guess who she was talking to!'

Meredith frowned. 'Who?' she asked, not even bothering to say anything about Izzie's eavesdropping. Meredith had a sneaking suspicion that Nurse Debbie, Seattle Grace's very own gossip-fountain, got most of her information from Izzie Stevens. Izzie was beautiful and kind, but she was also tactless and nosy beyond belief.

'George!' Izzie burst out, making Meredith jump. Derek ground his teeth together so forcefully Meredith wondered how he hadn't damaged them.

'He's coming back to Seattle Grace after all, he's decided that Mercy West's intern programme isn't for him and he's coming back!' Izzie beamed as she helped herself to another coffee.

Meredith debated taking the cup away. Izzie didn't seem to need caffeine this morning. She made a mental note to keep the blonde away from Christina today. If she didn't, things could get ugly. 'That's great Iz,' she replied, without much enthusiasm.

It had been a shock when they were taken aside by Bailey a few days before and told that George O'Malley had failed his intern exam. Bailey said that at first he had said he wasn't going to repeat his internship. He was going to walk away. Then, at the last possible minute, he had decided he was going to repeat, but at Mercy West. He wouldn't be back to Seattle Grace. No reason was offered. Now he had appeared to have changed his mind.

Izzie, satisfied that her news was out, even if it hadn't stirred the level of excitement she expected, suddenly frowned. 'Is everything okay? You two seem quiet, have you had a fight or something?' She asked the questions, as she went to the sink and rinsed her used cup under the tap.

Meredith tried to catch Derek's eye. 'We're fine Iz', she said as casually as she could.

'Only you seemed quiet last night too, you know, not keeping me awake or anything, and I just thought….'

Derek stopped chewing. He dropped the spoon he'd been eating from into the bowl with a clatter that echoed around the room. Meredith glanced at him and saw the tension in his face. He was grinding his teeth again. 'We're fine Izzie, we just decided to have an early night…an early night to sleep' she added, wishing the ground would open up and swallow her, or better still, her friend.

'Only I wondered, because I couldn't hear any screaming org'….'

'Izzie!' Meredith yelled, looking across at Derek, whose hands were gripped in tight fists. His knuckles were turning white, he was gripping so tightly, his face flushing with mortification. He turned to Meredith for the first time that morning, his expression telling her that he needed Izzie to stop. 'I said we're fine, we were just tired!' Meredith couldn't help herself. She really wanted to throttle Izzie at the moment. Her blood seemed to race into her head. She had to force herself to stay in her seat at the table. It was the only way to avoid seriously injuring her friend and housemate.

Izzie seemed to realise she'd gone too far. 'Oh, I…Okay' she gave up at last and left the room, ignoring the damage she had done.

Meredith looked back on that morning just a couple of days ago. She remembered watching Derek as he got up from the table, dropped his breakfast things in the kitchen sink and then left the room to get ready for work. Ten minutes later Meredith heard the front door open and close again quickly. Derek had left for work without her.

Now, on this new day, Meredith got out of bed. She turned for a second and watched Derek for a moment as he lay, still with his back to her, though she was sure he wasn't sleeping any more. Meredith got ready and went in to work. She made a decision. She was a 2nd year Resident in a teaching hospital. A hospital with a huge supply of material on just about every medical condition known to science. Something was wrong with Derek and she was going to find out what it was.

A/N Well, there we are. Meredith has a moment of clarity. I didn't want her to wallow too much in despair or frustration. I think Derek is doing that enough himself. Meredith is a doctor and as such she would approach things, up to a point, in a scientific way. She is worried, but she's trying to find out what's wrong. Derek is obviously not talking about it. (a.k.a Derek is being Derek, or he's just being a typical man) More soonish.


	14. Chapter 14

A/N I'm wondering if the site has problems again. I had very few reviews for chapter 13, which disappointed me until AriaAdagio let me know that she didn't receive an update alert for the chapter. I hope very much that the problem, whatever it is, will be sorted soon. I hope it isn't just a case of people being sick of the story and just not bothering any more. Fingers crossed that this chapter will get more reviews. I hope very much to try to get one more chapter up, besides this, before I go away for a few days next week for my sister's wedding, however, that will depend on if I get time. I'm aware of the long waits I've already inflicted on you, and how drawn out the early chapters of this were, which you've stuck with, so I promise, I will try, assuming of course this gets reviews. If it doesn't, then I'll re-think. Please, read, enjoy, but please, also, review.

Derek lay on his side, almost holding his breath until he heard Meredith leave the room. He sensed that she must have known he was awake. He felt her eyes on his back as she got out of bed and stood, just for a moment, watching him. He wished he could have turned over and offered her something, maybe taken her hand or smiled at her, or grabbed her in his arms and kissed her. He wished he could have done something, anything to close the gap that seemed to have opened up between them. Instead, like a fool, he told himself, a pathetic, weak fool, he stayed there, unable to turn over and look into his girlfriend's eyes. He stayed where he was and let her go, probably giving her the idea that the mess between them was her fault, when it was obviously his.

Derek turned over at last, onto his back, and pulled the bedclothes aside, but didn't make any move to get up. He lay there, in the dark blue t-shirt and shorts he had slept in, his hair a tangled mess against the pillow, and stared at the ceiling. He turned over the last few days in his mind, wondering when exactly everything had started to collapse.

Derek cast his mind back to the night at the trailer after he and Meredith got back together. The first time he couldn't keep control of himself was uncomfortable. Then they'd laughed it off, dismissed it as just one of those things that happen sometimes. When they tried later, it became embarrassing, and Meredith was already sure that somehow she was to blame. Derek remembered rushing to reassure her, to wipe away the look in her eyes, a look filled with a whirlwind of feelings, the most obvious being that she thought that she had messed up somehow, and fear of what that might mean.

He offered her words, small tokens that seemed to calm the storm, but still couldn't entirely quell the torrent of questions in her eyes, a thousand things he didn't have any answers for because he didn't understand it any more than she did. Now it had happened again, had been happening over and over for days, and somehow he had lost the strength to offer Meredith anything. Something that seemed like a small crack, a fault line between them at first, was rapidly opening up, pushing them further and further apart, and Derek knew he was powerless. He couldn't give Meredith the comfort she needed because he was fighting to keep himself above the weight of shame and inadequacy that was threatening him from all sides. Everything that made Derek Shepherd who he was seemed to be crashing all around him and there wasn't a damned thing he could do about it. The only thing he knew was that he had failed. He had failed Meredith and was hurting her again, but as much as he hated himself for it, he didn't know how to stop. He lived in fear that she would turn to her friends and tell them about the problem. He winced at the thought of how Christina would react. Izzie's prying in the kitchen just a few days before had been humiliating enough, though, thank God, Meredith hadn't said a word. She'd gone out of her way to make Izzie stop pushing. It helped for a while, though now it made him feel even more guilty. She was trying to shield him and he responded to it by giving her silence. He hated himself, but couldn't make himself stop. Talking about it would make the problem real and he couldn't do that, not yet. He couldn't face it.

The nights were the worst. Derek lay in bed next to Meredith, not daring to get too close in case she took it as an invitation and he failed her again. He lay with his back to her, more awake than asleep, listening to her breathing. He knew she was watching him, waiting for him to say or do something, but he couldn't do it. Instead, he lay, almost holding his breath, until he heard Meredith's breathing slow, an indication that she was asleep.

The awkwardness that consumed them at night lingered on through the day. It was as if they didn't know what to say to each other anymore. Soon they were living in almost total silence. The only time they talked was at the hospital, and then it was purely about cases they were both involved in. It wasn't so much that Derek didn't want to talk to Meredith, so much as he didn't know _how_ to talk her, not about this. He didn't have a clue how to even begin. How could he begin to talk to her about the problem when he couldn't even think about it without feeling sick? How could he talk about this when all he wanted to do was forget it and pretend it wasn't happening? This happened to other men, not to him, not to Derek Shepherd.

Derek told himself he didn't know what to say to Meredith to make the problem better. He knew inside that was only half true. Inside he knew that sooner or later Meredith would give up on him and distancing himself now would make that easier when it happened, when she realised that she didn't want someone who couldn't give her what she needed. As much as Derek knew Meredith wouldn't be unfaithful, she would never betray him in the way Addison had with Mark, she still had needs. She was young and beautiful and men would want her. God, only a year before he had been one of them, a man who had seen a beautiful woman alone in a bar, knocking tequila back like it was going out of fashion.

Derek remembered sitting at a table, watching the girl in the sexy black dress, his eyes drawn to her like nails to a magnet. Then he couldn't take it any more and moved, taking a place beside her at the bar, and, right there, he was hooked, mesmerised by this tiny thing who was an intoxicating mix of innocence and sensuality. He knew he wasn't that drunk when she asked him back to her place, he could have said no, told her he was married, and that would have been that. Instead, he nodded, paid Joe for their drinks and followed her. She'd drunk more than him, but Derek told himself he wasn't taking advantage. Something about this girl seemed right somehow, she seemed to fit with him like no one else ever had, including Addison, so when they got through her front door, he didn't even try to resist when she pushed her body against his and kissed him. Soon they were both naked, their bodies wrapped together on her living room floor and he was inside her, feeling more like himself than he had in years.

Right from the beginning sex had been a major part of their relationship. From the time Meredith stopped trying to resist getting involved with him when she realised he was effectively her boss, they hadn't been able to get enough. Derek remembered all the sneaking around he did with her in the beginning, when she didn't want her friends to know what was going on between them. He'd have to wake practically at the crack of dawn and creep down her stairs and out of the house, so that her friends and fellow interns didn't see him. Then there was the night when he turned up at a party at her place that Izzie had organised. He found her, on her front lawn, Tequila in her hand, swaying to music. They ended up having sex in his car like a couple of horny teenagers, until they were discovered by Miranda Bailey.

Even when Addison showed up Derek couldn't forget what it was like to be with Meredith. It made him feel guilty, after all, he had promised Addison he would try, but every time he slept with Addison, he felt as if he was being unfaithful to Meredith. He couldn't stop thinking about what it was like with her, to feel her all around him, to hear her as she screamed his name as they rushed headlong towards the glorious finish-line.

Then there was prom-night and it was as natural as breathing. Derek knew now that if he said that he hadn't followed her into that exam room deliberately he would be lying. He knew she would get angry and he knew he would argue back with her, even if everything inside him was screaming that he was an ass for treating her so badly, and a cheat for chasing after her when his wife was convinced they were getting somewhere again. When they both stopped yelling and Meredith turned to him, her eyes filled with defeat and pain, Derek couldn't help himself. Soon she was in his arms and in his hands, his lips covering hers like they belonged there. He was where he wanted to be. It was like they'd never spent any time at all apart.

After his divorce they tried to go slow, but it was like taking a dehydrated man out of the desert and telling him he could only have the tiniest sips of water. Going slow was just impossible. The hunger they felt for each other was just too strong.

Now they were beginning again, and Derek couldn't give Meredith what she wanted. As he finally got up off the bed and got ready to go to work, he knew it was only a matter of time before Meredith decided that she'd had enough. The thought of it terrified him.

Meredith had begun her working day by calling in to Urology and picking up a couple of leaflets from a pile in the waiting area and shoving them roughly into a pocket in her scrubs. She was glad there was hardly anyone around at the time, it saved her having to answer any awkward questions about what she was doing. Somehow, the stories she'd thought out in the car, that she was getting some information for a patient, or, depending on who discovered her, she was looking for advice because she thought she had a urinary tract infection, seemed stupid. Still, it hadn't come to that and she'd been in and out of the department before anyone really noticed her. The fact that she ran as if her underwear was on fire was nothing to do with it, she told herself as she headed towards the surgical floor for rounds, making a mental note to visit the library during her lunch break.

The early morning sun was just beginning to stream through the windows as Meredith walked onto the surgical floor, catching her breath at last. She went into the locker room and found Christina stuffing a jacket into her locker.

'Hey' Meredith said brightly, forcing a smile onto her face.

'You're early, McDreamy kick you out of bed or something?' Christina responded, her face absolutely straight. It was obvious she wasn't in the best mood.

Meredith sat down on the bench beside her friend and shook her head, struggling to hold back a sigh. Instead she made herself smile again. 'No I'm trying to get in on a good surgery just to piss you off, so I came in extra early'.

A low rumble of ironic laughter came out of Christina Yang's mouth, but as Meredith forced her mind away from Derek and onto her friend, she could see that the humour didn't quite reach her eyes. 'Christina?' she prompted softly.

Christina Yang glared, 'Oh it's nothing, well, nothing important except Burke finally had the guts to call last night'. She seemed slump on the bench as she spoke and some of her cold exterior seemed to seep away, leaving her looking lost for a moment. She quickly regained control.

Meredith hated herself. She'd all but forgotten Christina's problems over the last few days. All she could think about was Derek and how far away he was getting. Everything else had fallen away to the distance. It wasn't that she didn't care, but that she hadn't given anything else any real thought. For a second the irony struck her that Derek had complained to her before Christina's wedding that she was constantly leaving him, effectively choosing her friends over him, and now he was all she could think about and he had virtually cut her out. She forced the thought away and turned her attention to her friend. 'Burke actually called?' she asked, raising her eyebrows.

'Uh-huh,' Christina replied dryly. 'He said he was just calling to tell me that he wasn't coming back. He's moved in with Momma and Daddy for a while and he's recommended Hahn as his replacement on a permanent basis'.

Meredith struggled to take in what Christina was saying. Burke wasn't coming back? Not ever? The idea seemed incredible. Somewhere inside Meredith thought that eventually, when things settled, Burke would realise he wanted to be with Christina and he'd come back and they'd have the small wedding she'd originally wanted, the wedding Christina had planned with Burke until their mothers took over and everything went crazy.

'Are you just going to stare at me or are you going to offer me some words of comfort?' Christina demanded acerbically, 'only the whole gawping fish thing doesn't suit you, so….'

Meredith didn't hear Christina. Her mind had wandered again, back to Derek and the wall that seemed to be between them. She made up her mind. She was going to fix them. They weren't going to be Christina and Burke.

'Meredith?' Christina called, waving a hand in front of her friend's face. 'Are you still there? God, what's up with you? What's McDreamy done now?' she asked as he face twisted into a frown.

The mention of Derek's nickname jolted Meredith out of her thoughts. 'What?' she demanded urgently, as her mind slammed back into the present situation. 'I don't….What?'

Christina's frown deepened. 'Okay, spill, what has McAsshole done to you now?

Meredith sighed. Christina still didn't have a very high opinion of Derek, not after everything that happened when Addison turned up and he left her to pick up the pieces. But still, this time the situation wasn't his fault, deathly silence notwithstanding. 'He hasn't done anything Christina, he's fine, we're both fine, besides, we were talking about you…and Burke'. Meredith quickly turned the tables, telling herself that she couldn't talk about the problem, not even with Christina. She hoped Christina would take the hint.

Christina Yang studied her friend just for a second before she decided to give up. Meredith would talk when she was ready. She always did. Christina got up and moved towards the door as she spoke, her face straightening out into a grim line again. 'Oh that's nothing. Hahn's a better surgeon anyway.' She left the room, heading towards rounds, leaving a bewildered Meredith in her wake.

Later, Meredith sat mulling over all the information she had garnered from spending her lunch break in the library. She got up and headed for the surgical floor again, searching for one particular person she hadn't seen all day. She found him exactly where she thought she would, on the bridge that overlooked the surgical floor, staring out of the huge windows at the hospital grounds below. He was chewing absently on a sandwich. Meredith had already checked the board. He'd just come out of a surgery. It was now or never.

Meredith wandered over and took her place by Derek's side. Without any preamble she jumped right in. 'Derek we need to talk'.

A/N Well, a cliffhanger! So I'm a horrible person, but it was either that or make the chapter far too long. If you want to find out what Meredith thinks is wrong with Derek and what he's going to do about it please review. I'll update as soon as I can, hopefully before I go away.


	15. Chapter 15

A/N Well at last, here I am with yet another grovelling apology (I would get on my knees but if I did I doubt I'd ever get back up!) for keeping you waiting for so long for this. I just didn't get time to write another chapter before I went to Ireland for my sister's wedding. What with having to be sure I had everything I was likely to need while I was away, and then packing, I was busy. I've been back a while and I'm still recovering from all the travelling I've done, which I'm just not used to. Add to that I've just had the final bit of work done on my house, which has taken a while to get sorted out from. Anyway, all done now, so more writing time ahead, promise!

Thanks so much for the lovely reviews for the previous chapter. It has helped me recover from the lack of reviews for chapter 13. I would just say that any reviews are appreciated and all will receive responses in due course. I am just conscious of how you are sticking with me through this, through all my delays, which will lessen very soon, I promise, and I want to reward that by writing good stuff (if I can) as soon as possible.

Okay, I left Meredith on the brink of something big, so let's get on with it. Please, read, please review, but definitely, enjoy. Oh, and one last thing, don't pay too much attention to the time line in this, I'm sort of doing a Shonda with it because it really isn't important. Now, on with the story.

Meredith stood and waited for Derek to respond. She turned to him as she waited, studying him in profile. Suddenly it was as if she felt the need to look at him, _really_ look, in case his features or mannerisms gave anything away, offered any clue to what could be wrong with him. She watched his hands, his large yet sensitive surgeon's hands, as they held the sandwich he was still chewing on. Meredith looked for any sign of a tremor, any indication that something was wrong. When she could find nothing she smothered a sigh and turned her attention back to his profile, studying his jaw as it worked rhythmically over the remains of Derek's late lunch.

Spending her lunch break in the library had seemed like such a good idea earlier. Now Meredith was beginning to wish she hadn't done it. All it had done was force her to focus on all the worst scene scenarios. The only thing in her mind was the information she'd been able to gather about all the things that could be wrong with Derek, and none of it was good. Suddenly, in her mind, Derek was suffering with some bad thing, something horrible. Words like diabetes and vascular disease, or heart problems loomed in her head, jabbing at her insides like hot needles. Then there was Parkinson's, or tumours, or an enlarged prostate, or worse, cancer. At forty, Derek would be young for prostate cancer, she told herself, but though it was unusual at his age, there was nothing in the textbooks to say it couldn't happen. He wasn't fitted with some sort of stop sign, something bright that shone to alert any life-threatening disease not to go there because their victim just wasn't old enough.

After several long minutes of silence in which Meredith's mind twisted itself in knots any sea-farer would be proud of, and Derek, having finished his lunch, went back to staring out of the enormous windows in front of them, Meredith couldn't take it any more. 'Derek?' Her voice came out as a nervous, croaky whisper of a thing. 'I said we need to talk'. She watched as his jaws contracted. Derek was gritting his teeth. Meredith waited, until at last, he spoke.

'Do you need me for a consult, because if you do it'll have to be quick, I'm due back in the O.R. in half an hour'. Derek didn't turn to face Meredith as he spoke, instead he went on staring out of the windows, clinging to the thought that this would be about work when everything inside him was telling him something different. He wanted to think Meredith wouldn't expect him to talk about his problem here, at work, where people could easily overhear. He needed to think she would respect his privacy enough to know he couldn't have this discussion now, not here.

Meredith turned so that her whole body was facing Derek. She reached out with her left hand and grabbed the hand rail beside her. Her palms were sweaty, the slick heat contrasting with the cold of the metal she was holding in her grip. 'No, this isn't about work', she replied at last, 'it's about you'. Meredith watched as Derek's jaw clenched again. 'I've been doing some research and I needed to talk to you about it', Meredith went on, hurling herself forward, the flow of words unable to stop now they'd started. 'I think you need to see someone Derek, someone who'll run tests and…'

Derek heard Meredith's voice and had to push away the urge to yell. A voice in his head was telling him to walk away, get out of there right now, away from this. He fought it, clamped down on it, while inside, embarrassment flooded him. Meredith had spent time reading up about his problem as if he was just another patient? Worse, she had done her research here, where everyone knew they were involved? It wouldn't take the rumour-mill long to work out that she hadn't been researching a case, and from that people would realise straight away that the person with the problem was him. The thought of it made him feel sick. He found his voice again, cutting off Meredith's ramble. 'Not here'. His words were clipped, abrupt, and had the effect he wanted. Meredith stopped talking.

Meredith sighed. She could see Derek was uncomfortable and she wanted to stop, whishing she'd just kept her mouth shut. Then all the things she had read about came back, all the thoughts of the things that could so easily be wrong with him. It could be serious, really serious, and he _had_ to do something about it. Thoughts of her mother and worse, Susan, her step mother, crashed over her. They were both dead and if Derek….Meredith forced the thought away. It wasn't happening. It _wasn't_, she told herself. 'I just…We need to talk about this Derek, I just…'

'I said not here Meredith!' Derek's voice was a steely whisper. He was becoming angry, he knew it. Embarrassment and indignation mixed together, forming a cocktail of dismay he couldn't hold back any more. 'I can't talk about this here, not now!' He inclined his head towards her as he spoke. His body didn't move.

Meredith's eyes widened. 'Well when then Derek, because we need to talk about this, we have to, I can't just…' She stopped talking, swallowing hard on a lump that was determined to take up residence in the back of her throat. Her heart began to race. The back of her eyes began to burn with unshed tears.

Guilt washed over Derek. He had hurt her again, he could tell by the look in her eyes. She looked fit to burst into tears at any second. He couldn't stand it. He sighed heavily as his chest tightened. He forced himself to turn, facing Meredith completely at last. 'All right, come on then, we'll talk, but I really don't have much time, I do have another surgery in a while'. He smiled lightly as he reached out and gently caressed Meredith's jaw-line with a finger.

Meredith felt the soft touch of Derek's finger as it brushed tenderly over her jaw. The simple gesture never failed to make her feel weak. 'Okay, well I'll make it quick then. Can we find somewhere to talk?' She looked up into Derek's deep blue eyes as he nodded. Then they moved, heading towards the nearest place they could be alone.

Soon Meredith and Derek found an empty on-call room. They went inside and closed the door behind themselves. Then Derek locked it, the click of the lock creating a barrier between them and the rest of the world. They wouldn't be disturbed. There were no prying eyes or ears. They were alone together in a way they hadn't been for days. Derek could hardly take in that for once Meredith was instigating a talk, rather than trying to run away. For once, _he_ was the one who wanted to run, not from her, _never_ from her, but from this thing between them. Derek knew he would do anything to be able to avoid talking about it, this thing, this embarrassing, awkward thing, that had a name he wouldn't even allow himself to even think because it clawed at him, took away everything he believed about himself, everything that made him what he was. But then he remembered the look on Meredith's face a moment before, her eyes looking like the world was crashing down around her. He could at least listen to what she had to say, he reasoned.

Meredith glanced around her surroundings, collecting her thoughts just for a second. She took in the bunk beds that ran along one wall, made up with starched hospital sheets, a simple grey blanket and a pillow that looked as if it had seen better days. She saw the wash area, a small sink with a mirror above it, one of those stupid tiny things you could only see half your face in at one time, which, Meredith mused, might be just as well, considering that the only people who used these rooms were doctors trying to grab some sleep when they were on call. Most of the time that meant that the last thing they were thinking of was what they looked like. Mirrors were to be avoided at all costs, regardless of how much of the face they obscured. Meredith's eye moved to the white walls and the cold strip light on the ceiling. No wonder residency was often compared to military service, she thought idly, until the thought struck her that even the Attendings, such as Derek, used these rooms when they had to sleep in the hospital. These tiny, plain rooms were the one part of the hospital where there was no strict order, no authority. They were the one place where everything was equal.

Thinking of Derek dragged Meredith's attention back to the man standing in front of her. He was leaning with his side against the bunk beds, facing Meredith, one arm resting on the top bunk, bent at the elbow. His hand supported his chin. He was watching her, waiting. Every now and then his eyes flicked towards the door. He was obviously in a hurry to get this over with, he'd said he had a surgery soon. She forced away the idea that maybe he was trying to escape from her, the memory of the last few days spent in virtual silence washing over her. But at least he was here, Meredith told herself, and he'd agreed to talk. Taking a breath, she began. 'I've been doing some research, and I think you need to see someone', she repeated her words from earlier, before adding, 'there are things that could be wrong Derek, bad things, and I think you should get checked out.'

Derek frowned and stood upright, putting his hands on his hips. He eyed Meredith warily. 'What makes you think something is wrong with me?' he asked, already knowing the answer.

Meredith shook her head. This wasn't going to be easy. 'Well, you've never had a problem before, you know, having sex, at least not with me, and I just….'

'I've never had a problem before with anyone!' Derek interjected, embarrassment making his voice come out more harshly than he meant. 'Sorry', he sighed, when Meredith's eyes grew wide again.

Meredith swallowed hard, this really wasn't easy at all. Derek was taking everything so personally, as if she was attacking him, when all she wanted to do was fix things. 'I just think you should see a specialist, get everything checked out. I mean, it could be anything Derek, any one of a number of things. You could have a vascular problem, or maybe you've developed diabetes, or maybe it's an early sign of a heart problem, or Parkinson's. It could be a prostate problem, not cancer, definitely not cancer, but maybe an enlarged prostate, or…'

Derek stared at Meredith in bewilderment. She'd obviously done her research, he noted, just as he should have known she would. She was one of Seattle Grace's best residents. Right from the very beginning of her internship she'd had a feel for medicine, an instinct that was natural to her, even if she didn't realise it. Katie Bryce, the first patient they'd been involve with together came to mind, a teenager who'd had recurring and inexplicable seizures. Meredith worked meticulously until she worked it out, saving the girl's life in the process. But now Meredith had researched and found out all the potential causes of the problem, all the worst possible situations. She had focused on that, not seeing the whole picture. He had to put her right. Besides, investigating this would involve other people, other staff he dealt with all the time professionally. It would mean telling people he worked with that he had a problem having sex, because he either couldn't get an erection, or couldn't keep it long enough to follow through. As they all knew he was with Meredith, it would put his relationship with her back under the spotlight again, just when they had at last been able to maintain some sort of private life and be accepted as just another couple that had formed as a result of working closely together.

Then there were her friends. Derek shuddered at the thought of Yang finding out he couldn't get it up, how merciless she would be in pointing out that it was just another reason why Meredith should get rid of him. He was inadequate, ineffective, not to mention worthless, an opinion he knew Yang held of him, even if she tried not to show it to Meredith…well, not around him, anyway. Stevens was another story. Derek could just imagine how Stevens would go on, trying to be kind, but saying all the things that everyone else just thought because saying them was inappropriate. Derek wouldn't even consider how Karev and O'Malley would think, the idea of any of the men he worked with finding out too much to think about. He definitely wasn't going to think about Mark Sloan, or how his ex-best friend who slept with his ex-wife and probably half the hospital, for all Derek knew, would take pleasure in the situation. He couldn't let that happen.

Derek knew he should try to explain how he felt to Meredith. He knew he should make her see how he just couldn't stand the thought of bringing this out into the open and having people know every intimate detail about his private life. She was empathetic and caring. She would understand. He knew he should just talk to her. Instead, he opened his mouth and said the first thing that came to mind. 'No'.

Meredith blinked, Derek's one word response taking her by surprise. 'What?' She stared at him in disbelief.

Derek shook his head. He knew he wasn't being fair, but he just couldn't do what she wanted. She expected him to open the door to everyone knowing his private business and he couldn't do it. 'I said no Meredith, I'm not seeing anyone about it, at least, not yet'.

Meredith's mouth fell open. Her heart began to pound in her chest. She hadn't expected this. She quickly pulled herself together. 'Did you not hear what I said?' she asked, arching her brows. 'I said you could have a serious medical problem Derek, you could be sick, really sick, and you just stand there and say no, as if it doesn't matter? Seriously?' Meredith's voice rose incredulously.

Derek shook his head. 'I didn't say it doesn't matter' his tone was soft, like he was trying to reason with a child, 'I just said that I'm not seeing anyone yet. I mean it's only been a problem for a while. No one is going to be interested in something that has only just become a problem Meredith, you know that.' He tried to make her think rationally, like a doctor. It didn't work.

Meredith tried not to panic. This wasn't going the way she wanted. Not at all. She'd thought this out, imagined talking about it to Derek. She'd imagined how he would just be happy that she had talked to him about a problem, rather than running away. Then he would see she was worried about him and he would do whatever it took to make things better. She knew he was embarrassed by the problem, but she had hoped he would see that she was trying to help him. Obviously he didn't see that at all. 'The point is Derek', she said, struggling not to get upset or yell at the patronising tone he'd just taken, as if he was talking to a mentally deficient goldfish rather than a health professional, 'the problem is a change, something that is out of the ordinary for you, for _us_, and it should be checked out, _you_ know _that_.' She glared at him when she finished speaking.

Derek sighed. She'd got him. All the time they lectured the public, especially patients, to look out for any changes in their usual routines, any symptoms or signs that could indicate potential problems. He did know that. But still, he couldn't give in. He went on, deciding now was the time to point out that she wasn't seeing the whole picture. 'Look, Meredith, I understand what you're saying, and you're right, of course you are', he adopted a soothing tone, a conspiratorial manner that was supposed to halt the glare in its tracks. 'But I don't have any other symptoms, so I can't have anything wrong with me. It's probably just one of those things that'll work itself out the more we practice.' Derek accompanied his words with a suggestive grin.

Meredith couldn't believe what she was seeing. She knew Derek was arrogant sometimes, and had a typical surgeons God complex, but this was unbelievable. There he was, potentially with a life-threatening health problem and all he could do was make wisecracks? Seriously? 'But you don't know you haven't had any other symptoms,' she reasoned quickly, 'I mean, you're a surgeon, you're busy, so maybe you've missed something, brushed something off as normal when it's really a symptom of….'

'I think I'd know if I had Parkinson's or a vascular disease Meredith, I am a Neurosurgeon, remember?' Derek felt the anger from before stirring again. He struggled to hold it down. 'I don't have diabetes or any of the symptoms of it, which are?' He threw the question out automatically, trying to throw Meredith off-guard.

Meredith could have screamed. Now Derek had switched to Attending mode. She wanted to challenge him, question him, but she couldn't. His evasiveness was wearing her down. 'Increased thirst, increased urination, especially at night, tiredness and fatigue, weight loss…and itchy genitals' she added, with a vicious gleam in her eyes Christina would have been proud of.

Derek ignored the last, besides, he knew she was right. He was no expert, but he had spent enough time as a Resident studying the effects of diabetes on the arteries and on the brain. He knew the basic symptoms. 'Well then', he tried to smile, 'mine aren't itchy or anything like it, so you can rule out diabetes, can't you?'

Meredith sighed. Derek was right, and he knew it. She tried a different tack. 'Well what about prostate problems then?'

Derek smiled lightly. 'Look Meredith, I know I'm older than you by a few years, but I'm hardly in the age bracket for prostate problems, I'm not old enough.'

'But that doesn't mean to say it can't happen Derek!' Meredith yelled at last, becoming frustrated with Derek's attitude. He was being infuriating. 'You put up all these arguments for everything I say and you ignore the fact that even if something is unlikely it doesn't mean it won't happen! You could have any one of the things I said Derek, any one of them, not to mention a problem with your penis, something that stops the blood flow reaching it properly or…' Meredith broke off, a thought occurring to her. She reached into the pocket of her scrubs, pulling out two mangled leaflets she'd found in Urology earlier in the day. 'I found these in Urology earlier', Derek's eyes widened in horror, but Meredith waved him into silence, 'no, Derek, I didn't speak to anyone, I just found these and I think you should read them, they might help.' Meredith looked at the front of one of the leaflets, holding it distastefully. 'This one is a bit old, I mean, they don't even call it that any more, but I checked and it gives out pretty much the same sort of information as the newer one, it's just more official sounding, like it was written by a professor or something.' She handed the leaflets over.

Derek Shepherd looked down at the two leaflets in his hand. He saw the cover of the one Meredith had disapproved of. He could see why. It was black and white and on the front was a couple, a man and a woman who were easily 75 years old. They were smiling at each other like they'd just gone out and had a nice cream tea or something, rather than looking at each other like their sex life had gone to hell. Above the picture was a word. The one word Derek had been trying to avoid since all this began. In great big capital letters, it was there, literally in black and white. IMPOTENCE. In smaller letters beneath, like an afterthought, was 'causes, effects and treatments'. Derek winced, turning his attention to the second leaflet. Derek looked at this, noticing the picture on the front again. This time the thing was in colour and showed a younger couple, maybe in their fifties. They were walking hand in hand across a beach, laughing at something no one else could see. Above the picture, in a neat, modern font was, 'Erectile Dysfunction and your Relationship'.

Meredith watched Derek glancing at the leaflets and waited for whatever happened next. She didn't have to wait long. She saw him pull a smile onto his face, a smile that held no humour at all, just anger he was struggling to control. 'This is great Meredith,' he said at last. Meredith knew he was being sarcastic. 'I have a choice, I either get to be impotent or dysfunctional, how about that?'

Meredith shook her head firmly. 'No, listen, you know what it's like, the people who write these things know the theory, not the reality, and I did say the one was really old. Language changes all the time Derek, you know that. It wasn't so long ago that we called people with Cerebral Palsy spastics, and we never even thought it was wrong, so you can't get upset about this, you just can't, it's just….'

But Derek didn't reply. Instead he stepped forward and pushed the leaflets back into Meredith's hand before turning on his heel and leaving the room.

'Derek!' Meredith tried calling after him, all the time her mind trying to think how this could have gone so wrong. It was too late. Derek was already gone.

A/N Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. We are in a mess, aren't we? Still, I hope you're happy that the chapter was one of the longest for a while, mainly because it turned out that way, but also because you deserve a nice long chapter. Please review, it makes me write faster. More very soon. Promise.


	16. Chapter 16

A/N Wow, a gap of just a few days and here I am with chapter 16 of this. In a sense it feels like I've been working on this for ages already, but I'm still really enjoying it and have a way to go yet. I hope you are all still enjoying the journey with me.

I confess, I forgot the dedication I meant to do on the previous chapter, so I'll do it for this one. I received a friendly nudge to write the last chapter and it really did help to get me going again. I feel as if I'm on the good side of this fic now, so I should like to dedicate chapter 16 to our brilliant AriaAdagio who not only writes great stuff herself but makes time to help others with their stuff. Bouncing ideas back and forth has helped me so much with this, so Diane, this is for you, with huge thanks.

In the days following her attempt to talk to Derek, Meredith began to slide into auto-pilot. She went to work, giving her assignments her full attention, allowing herself to get caught up in the hospital routine. She went to lunch in the canteen with her friends, laughing and joking with them just like they'd done so many times before. To an outsider, everything was exactly as it should be; a bunch of Residents having lunch together, swapping stories of who was getting all the good surgeries, and who had managed to piss off one of the Attendings the most that week. Meredith cocooned herself in the familiarity of it, allowing the security it gave her to push down thoughts she couldn't deal with, especially thoughts of Derek.

Since their meeting in the on-call room, Derek hadn't exchanged more than a handful of words to Meredith. She remembered hearing him leave the on-call room, the door slamming behind him as he went. Meredith told herself that he was in a hurry, he had a surgery to get to, everything would be fine when they had more time to talk. Derek would be fine later, when he had time to think things through. He would see that all she was trying to do was help him.

Later didn't come. Meredith didn't see Derek for the rest of the day. She forced herself to think about work, telling herself that they would talk at home, where he wouldn't be so defensive, or so worried that someone would overhear and he'd be the latest source for the hospital gossip network. They would have a meal and maybe a drink, and then Derek would relax and they would talk. However, when her shift was over, Meredith went home alone; Derek was nowhere to be found. When, later in the evening she called his mobile and it went straight to voice-mail, Meredith knew what had happened. Derek was at the trailer. He wasn't spending the night with her. He wanted to be alone.

At first Meredith tried not to worry. She convinced herself that Derek was just thinking. He did the wallowing thing when he needed to think something through. She tried to ignore the voice in her head telling her that he also did it when he was angry, and he'd certainly ended up angry after she tried to talk to him, especially when she showed him those stupid leaflets. Meredith remembered how he pushed them back into her hand, his face flushed with the effort he was making to keep control, before he slammed out of the on-call room, the door crashing on its hinges behind him so hard the glass panels inside it shook.

As the days went by, Meredith couldn't ignore Derek's absence anymore. She had hoped she would at least get a chance to speak to him, maybe he would ask her to scrub in on a surgery with him, or he would ask her to have a coffee with him during her break. He didn't. The few times she caught a glimpse of him brought home to her how much of a mess they were in. On more than one occasion Meredith knew Derek had seen her walking down a corridor, or through the surgical floor. Their eyes would lock through the crowd between them, as if for just a second, there was just the two of them, completely alone in the world. Meredith would meet Derek's gaze, feeling a familiar shiver down her spine at the intensity of the look in his eyes, then she would move towards him, just to be close, just for the briefest of seconds. Obviously Derek would sense her edging towards him, and instead of heading for her, a grin plastered to his face, or licking his lips involuntarily, as he usually did, his eyes would widen, almost as if someone had slapped him, and he would turn away and escape as fast as he could, leaving Meredith to watch him go, watching his lab-coat swish behind him like a vapour trail from a plane.

Meredith became torn. Part of her was becoming angry. She had nothing wrong, she reasoned, but Derek was treating her as badly as he treated Addison when she showed up from New York. Addison had been unfaithful, she had broken her vows when she slept with Mark Sloan, and Derek had recoiled from it, turning into a snarling, angry thing whenever his wife was around. Meredith reminded herself that all she had done was try to help him and now he was treating her like a leper.

Another voice in Meredith's head taunted her. It told her over and over that she was getting what she deserved, or at least, what she knew all along would happen. The voice reminded Meredith that sooner or later people left her, or pushed her out of their way. When she was a child her mother considered her work, and her former lover as more important than her little girl. Her father left her without a backward glance when her parents marriage blew up. All the men she had known had walked away at the first sign of a problem, or when they had simply had what they wanted, which was usually her. Derek was the one who was supposed to be different. But even he had left her. He had left her when Addison showed up and now he'd done it again, even after promising her he would always show up, no matter what.

Somewhere inside Meredith knew she hadn't really believed him, that somehow everything would collapse again. Even before she drowned, when they were both wrapped up in the excitement of being together again, after Addison, Meredith knew somehow that it would all blow up in her face and he would leave her again. Life happened like that, especially to her, which was partly why she broke up with him after Christina's wedding. She knew the happily ever after part was for other people, not for her, and now she had got exactly what she expected. She was alone again.

The days went by and Meredith went on, trying to keep a brave face on everything, in spite of how she felt. She was beginning to feel as if she was falling into herself, sinking under the weight of everything, exactly how she felt when Susan died and her father blamed her. That time Derek had tried to help her and Meredith had pushed him away, even if inside she wanted nothing more than to let him carry some of the weight hanging over her. Now, Derek was avoiding her, going out of his way not to go anywhere near her, and Meredith was struggling to stay standing.

It didn't take long for Meredith's friends to realise something was wrong. Meredith lost count of the number of times she said 'I'm fine', to Izzie or George, when they said she looked tired, or upset. Even Alex could see something was wrong, and he slipped into protective big brother mode, getting Meredith cups of coffee whenever he had chance, or sitting with her sometimes at lunch, not talking, not offering any sort of advice, but being there, happy to sit in silence with her while she moped. It helped. Christina was the only one who seemed to sense that whatever was wrong with Meredith had something to do with Derek. She took to glaring at him if she saw him, which, though it was a typical Christina sort of thing to do, didn't really help much. It was good to know her friend was on her side, even if Christina never said so out loud, but Meredith didn't want her friends getting dragged into the mess between her and Derek, especially since she just couldn't bring herself to tell them what had happened. Derek had been desperate to keep the problem private, and Meredith couldn't betray that, not even to her friends, not when it was about something so personal, not even now, when it looked like they were probably over, even if neither one of them had actually ended it.

Derek hated himself. He knew he was hurting Meredith by staying away from her, but as much as he wanted to, he couldn't make himself face her. He was just too ashamed.

Derek turned over that day in the on-call room in his mind. He remembered rushing out, slamming the door behind him when Meredith showed him the leaflets she found. Shame and rage coursed through him like blood and Derek suddenly felt trapped. He needed to get out of there. He remembered practically shoving the leaflets back at Meredith before he escaped as fast as he could.

It didn't take long for Derek to regret what he'd done. He realised almost immediately that Meredith had been trying to help him and he'd repaid her by walking away, the very thing he had promised he wouldn't do to her. Derek remembered all the times he resented the way Meredith walked away from him when things became tough, surrounding herself in the safety of her friends. Now he had turned from her, and there was no one else for him to turn to even if he wanted to. No one could fill the gap Meredith left.

Within a few hours of their talk in the on-call room, Derek was alone in his trailer, trying, and failing, to sleep. He knew that in the first moments after he walked away from Meredith he was angry. He couldn't believe how she had researched all the possible scenarios, picked them apart like she would for a patient. He tried to tell himself she didn't care about the embarrassment she caused him, just so long as she managed to work out what was wrong with him, like she was trying to score points over him. He thought of those awful leaflets, which practically screamed out that he was a failure. They announced to the world that he was impotent, which was effectively the same as saying he was powerless and ineffective, and vulnerable, all things he knew he was not. Derek Shepherd knew he was a damned good neurosurgeon, one of the best. He told himself he wasn't being arrogant, it was just a fact, like saying the sky is blue or grass is green. There was just no doubt. Derek also knew he was good at sex, especially sex with Meredith. He could reduce her to a moaning pile of desire any time he wanted, and he knew it. It filled him with a sense of pride that he could do that to her. It made him feel like a man, a man who was worth something, who was needed and desired, because even if Meredith held back from him emotionally, physically, she needed him. She wanted him. The leaflets reminded him that he was flawed. He was just like anyone else, and he hated it. He was reminded of the ferry disaster, when all he could do was wait around for news of Meredith, because he wasn't allowed to treat her in the trauma room. He was powerless, out of control. He couldn't even bring himself to tell another man in the waiting room, who was waiting for news of his wife, that he was a doctor. He was just another person. He was nothing, and just like she'd done when she chose to give up in the water, Meredith had caused it again.

As he lay there in the trailer, tossing and turning, Derek forced his thoughts away from the path they seemed determined to travel down, a path where he blamed Meredith for his mess. In reality, he could see he was being ridiculous. His mind turned over all the times he wished Meredith had put him first, above her friends and anything else. Now she had done exactly that and he'd reacted by losing his temper. He couldn't believe how he could have messed up so badly. Shame overwhelmed him. He knew he needed to fix the damage he had done.

Derek lay awake turning everything over in his mind. Part of him wanted to speak to Meredith, call her and apologise for the way he'd behaved, or just jump in the car and go to her place, maybe turn up on her doorstep and beg her to forgive him, or go and, if she was already in bed, climb in beside her and hold her tight in his arms, letting actions speak louder than words. He dismissed doing any one of his ideas. He knew if he did, Meredith would think he was going to turn around and see someone about his problem, and, as much as he wanted to fix things with her as soon as possible, Derek still couldn't bring himself to do any such thing. Seeing someone would involve telling people he had a problem, and he couldn't do that, not yet. He couldn't face it, couldn't stand the thought of being poked and prodded, scrutinised by his peers, or pitied because he was a failure. When his mobile phone started to ring, Derek ignored it, knowing it was Meredith. As much as he wanted to talk to her, he couldn't do it. He allowed his phone to go straight to voice-mail, and then he switched it off.

Soon days had gone by, days when every time he caught a glimpse of Meredith across the surgical floor or in a corridor, Derek wished he could do something, anything, to undo what he had done. His eyes seemed magnetically drawn to hers. It was as if, in those brief moments, no one else existed for him in the world. Then he would remember the embarrassment that washed over him in the on-call room and the shame that kicked him in the guts when he thought of how he'd walked away from Meredith, leaving her to call after him, her tone filled with pain. Derek forced himself to turn away, knowing Meredith was watching him go. He was letting her down again, and he couldn't stand to see the evidence of it in her eyes.

Derek wondered if Meredith had told anyone yet about his problem. He realised almost immediately that she probably hadn't. If Christina Yang knew he had become impotent she would make sure he suffered for it, he told himself. The glares he was earning from Yang when he saw her with Meredith weren't designed to torment him, he could see that. Christina Yang's furious features screamed out one clear message. She hated the man who was hurting her friend. For once, Derek agreed.

At the beginning of another new day Meredith went to the locker room at the beginning of her shift. Her legs felt heavy, like they didn't belong to her any more. She dragged her feet as she walked, scuffing her shoes on the cold tile floor in the hospital.

Meredith dumped her stuff in her locker, clicking the lock shut after herself, not even having the energy to slam the door hard, which every instinct inside was telling her to do. She felt raw inside and out, like someone had taken a cheese grater to her skin and rubbed it furiously against her.

Meredith barely registered Izzie who had arrived for work early for once. The blonde stood, tying her hair back into a pony-tail and pulling on her lab-coat. Then she sat back down and coughed, dragging Christina Yang, the only other person in the locker room, away from the book she was reading. Meredith didn't even bother to see what book it was. Christina had obviously got in on another surgery, probably with Hahn, or maybe with…Meredith pushed the thought away. She couldn't do it, not today.

Christina Yang closed her book and put it down on the bench beside her, making Izzie shunt closer towards the edge of the bench. Izzie looked at Christina meaningfully before both women turned their attention to Meredith, who was still standing by her locker, almost leaning against it for support. She closed her eyes just for a second. She was so tired.

Christina watched her friend fixedly until Meredith opened her eyes wearily. Meredith saw both women watching her intently as if they were waiting for something. 'What?' Meredith tried, wondering what was going on.

Christina Yang didn't even flinch. 'I just wanted to know when you actually plan on telling me what the hell is wrong with you.' Her tone was sharp, uncompromising, just as always. Christina Yang never changed, not for anyone.

Meredith was immediately caught off guard. 'I don't know what….I don't think….I'm _fine_', she managed at last, sounding as if she was lying, even to her own ears. Fine people never sounded that desperate.

Christina frowned and stood. She met Meredith's eyes. Meredith tried to look away, but Christina wouldn't let her. She stepped closer. 'That's bull and you know it', she stated flatly, leaving Meredith to flounder hopelessly, trying to think of something else to say. Christina beat her to it, her next remark was said so quickly she didn't even catch a breath. 'You're a mess, you're walking around the place like an extra from a horror movie, and McDreamy looks like a bear with a sore ass, and I just wondered when you plan on telling me what's wrong?' Christina sat back down when she finished speaking. She sat watching Meredith, and waited.

Meredith knew she was done.

A/N Well, there we are, another one of those chapters where Derek and Meredith show that they aren't exactly good at communicating. Meredith thinks Derek is angry with her, but the truth is, he is more angry with being made to confront the problem than anything else, and angry at himself for handling it badly. The issue for Derek is that he just can't make himself do what needs to be done to find out if anything is wrong, because the idea of it embarrasses him to death. He is also very ashamed of the way he behaved to Meredith in the on-call room, but he doesn't know how to fix it without promising her he'll do something he just doesn't feel ready to do, so he's stuck. Meredith is convinced Derek has left her again, it is, after all, what she is used to. In short, they are in a mess. Now Meredith has Christina on her back. What will happen next? Read and review this, and you'll soon find out.


	17. Chapter 17

A/N Well at last! Here I am, back from a somewhat enforced break. I hated having to do it, because, even if I say so myself, it felt like the momentum was all going my way. I can't tell you how frustrating it has been to have clear ideas for what I wanted to write over the last week or so, (or is it longer?) that the story has been on hold, but be physically unable to do it. I suppose it has been the reverse of writer's block, almost.

My sincere thanks to those of you who kindly sent me, via the reviews, messages of support while I was unwell. It was so much appreciated. It's nice to know that people still realise that behind every story is a person doing his or her best to write it, sometimes amid difficult circumstances. I should say that I'm almost better, though not fully fit by any stretch of the imagination. The level of pain I was in has greatly reduced (thank God!) and I hope that now it's just time that will do the rest. The worst of it is that I really can't say where and how I still feel off. Still, not to worry, I'm sure.

Anyway, I have, as you'll see, deleted the author's note I put up, replacing it with this, chapter 17 of the story. I hope those of you who contacted me via the reviews will be able to also review this, however, if you can't because the system won't let you, please feel free to e-mail me or send me a private message if you have something to say. You can get the necessary details from my profile. As for this, please, read, review, and enjoy.

Just to close, Diane, I know I owe you a couple of reviews. I will do it asap.

'Well?' said Christina, after several long moments of watching Meredith, who was trying to think of something, _anything_ to say. 'I'm waiting.'

Meredith sighed deeply. She was done for, she knew it. Christina wouldn't back down. She never did. _Ever_. Still, she couldn't do it, she told herself. She couldn't. She would _have_ to think of something. She opened her mouth, completely unprepared for whatever came out of it. She thought that maybe another 'I'm fine,' might do the trick. Maybe if she said it again Christina might realise she couldn't talk about this. She wasn't hiding anything, or being secretive, she just couldn't talk about _this_. Not now, not here, especially not here. 'I can't', she heard herself say, her tone far too pathetic and whining, even in her own ears. _Crap_. Now she was _really_ done.

Christina Yang's eyes narrowed into determined points. She looked like a dog chasing after a particularly juicy bone. Then she shook her head and a wry laugh escaped her. 'Look, Mer, I'm telling you, go for it, tell us all about the latest McDrama. What's McDreamy done now? Is it another wife, or maybe a kid he's just remembered, or, I don't know, maybe he's got some horrible disease that's making his hair fall….' Christina stopped talking. The acid flow of her voice broke off. As soon as Christina uttered the word disease, Meredith whimpered. It wasn't a sigh, or a cry, or anything really discernible as anything other than a tiny, painful whimper. 'What?' Christina demanded, the word consumed in the back of her throat by a sharp intake of breath. 'Meredith?'

Meredith fought the overwhelming urge to burst into tears. She swallowed it down, pushed it to that place where she stored up everything else she felt. It was a place her mother would probably have been proud of, she told herself, the one part of her that was worth something. It was a place all surgeons had, a place where you thought, you didn't _feel_, except hers had been growing since long before she was a surgeon. Her emotional storage unit had begun to take shape the day when, as a child, she'd watched her father, a suitcase in his hand, walk out of her life forever. A memory, a long forgotten whisper of a thing, forced itself into her mind, the sight of her clinging to him, her tiny hands still bearing a little of the chubbiness from babyhood, pleading with him in her innocence, begging him not to leave her alone, that she'd be a good girl if he'd just stay.

It didn't work. The next thing Meredith knew, her mother was dragging her away, telling her not to be silly, she was a big girl now, not a baby, and she should grow up and behave herself. Then her father was gone and within a few hours, her mother too, having been called in to an emergency at the hospital. Meredith was alone, or rather, the Nanny, the first of a long line, who usually gave up within a few weeks, citing her as a 'difficult child', or refusing to work the long, unreasonable hours their employer expected, was there to 'keep her company' while her mother worked. It all amounted to the same thing. She was alone. She was alone until she came here, ironically to the same hospital where her mother had made her name, and made friends, and, via a one night stand, found Derek. Derek who might be sick, could easily have a serious disease….An illness. Meredith whimpered again.

'Meredith?' Izzie Stevens tried, when the silence in the locker room became too much. 'What's going on, is Dr. Shepherd sick?' Izzie waited, watching as Meredith stared into the distance, lost in a memory, just for a second, then, as if a switch had been flicked, she came back.

'I can't say anything, I can't, it's private, he doesn't want people to know, he doesn't want anyone finding out about it, but I…He won't talk to me, won't even look at me anymore, and it…I can't….' Meredith rambled, her words flowing out in a panicked rush. She was fighting, struggling with the need to just blurt everything out, to ease the ache she felt, but the thought of Derek stopped her. He was desperate to keep the problem a secret. She couldn't tell anyone.

Christina watched as Meredith fought with herself, and she cursed Shepherd to hell for hurting her friend again. Christina remembered all the time when Shepherd was with his wife, right under Meredith's nose. She remembered all the time they spent putting her back together, only for Shepherd to waltz back in and take her apart again on prom night. Now it seemed that something was wrong with him, and as much as Christina didn't really give a damn about Shepherd, she _did_ care about Meredith. Meredith was her person, and she wasn't going to sit back and watch her fall apart over Shepherd, not again. Then Christina remembered Izzie was in the room. She knew even without being told that Meredith wouldn't really talk while someone else was around. Christina and Meredith understood each other. They each knew when the other needed to talk, and when it was best to leave things alone. They got each other. Christina turned her attention to Izzie. 'Out', she said simply, sharply, like a command.

Izzie sniggered. 'Excuse me?'

Christina glared, standing again, drawing herself up to her full height. 'You heard me, I said out, now'. The dark woman stared fixedly at the blonde, making herself understood. This wasn't a request.

Izzie Stevens jumped to her fit in agitation. The tall, leggy blonde towered over both Christina and Meredith, but strangely, she felt like the smallest person in the room. They always made her feel like that. They were Meredith and Christina, and she, Izzie, was the third wheel. 'Now look Christina….' Izzie began, becoming angry at being pushed out…again.

'Out!' Christina yelled, wishing she could pick Izzie up and carry her out of the room, an idea she would think about more seriously if Barbie didn't soon get the message.

Izzie's face flushed. She turned to Meredith, who was leaning against her locker again, not taking any notice of the heated discussion going on around her. When she realised Izzie was speaking, she forced herself to focus, not really giving her much thought. She was too tired.

'Meredith, do you want me to go while you talk to _Christina', _Izzie threw a murderous glare in Christina's direction, 'or do you want me, as your friend and housemate, to stay?'

Meredith sighed, chewing on her lip nervously. She was too tired for this. Then, with another exhausted sigh, she moved and flopped down onto the bench Christina and Izzie had just vacated.

When Izzie didn't get a response she became angry. She was right, she told herself. They were pushing her out again, for one of their secret talks. Well, she'd had enough. 'Meredith?' She tried again, holding out one last chance. Meredith didn't reply. She put her head in her hands, her palms over her face and pulled herself into a protective hunch, her elbows resting against her knees the only thing holding her up.

Izzie Stevens laughed derisively. 'Oh, I get it, you're having one of your secret little talks, and you don't want the bimbo in the way, well…!'

'You got it, finally!' Christina barked, glaring again. 'What took you….'

'Christina!' Meredith cried, dropping her hands from her face, realising that her friends were fighting over her, and hating it, hating _herself_ for causing it. 'Please, just…I can't…Iz' Meredith faced Izzie, who had angry tears in her eyes. 'Please, I can't do this, not now, please'. Her tone expressed better than anything how she felt. She was just so tired.

Instead of backing down, Izzie's anger ignited even more as she faced Meredith. Just once, she wanted Meredith to stand up for her, just once. It was obviously not happening. They had pushed her out again. 'Oh, just forget it!' She stormed out of the room, swinging the door violently behind herself.

When Christina was sure they were alone, she sat back down on the bench beside Meredith. 'So, what's up with Shepherd?'

Meredith flinched. That was it. Christina, straight to the point, no fooling around, no bullshit, Christina. She sighed heavily. 'I can't tell you Christina, I promised him…sort of'.

'Sort of?' Christina smirked, her mouth turning up into an amused sneer. 'You _sort of_ promised Shepherd?' Christina shook her head. 'So, if you only _sort of_ promised him you wouldn't tell, you can tell me, can't you?'

'Meredith shook her head firmly. 'This isn't funny Christina, I promised Derek I wouldn't tell anyone, and I can't, so just…'

'Meredith.' The word was soft, almost gentle, a far cry from the reaction Meredith was waiting for. She was expecting a lecture on how they were each other's person, so she should tell Christina what was going on. The kindly tone took her completely by surprise.

'Look', Christina turned on the bench and looked into her friend's eyes. She saw the tiredness, the dark circles etched beneath pale blue, almost grey, orbs. 'You're exhausted, you're upset, and you're my friend, and I just….Something's wrong between you and Shepherd, and I just….I don't want you to be alone, not if it can be fixed, so….'

In a flash, Meredith got it. Christina was trying to help. She didn't want things to go wrong like they had for her and Burke. She wanted to help if Meredith would let her. Meredith slid down the bench and leaned on her friend. Christina leaned in too. They propped each other up. 'I think Derek might be sick, really sick'. The words came out easily, as if they'd been on the tip of Meredith's tongue for days, which, if she was honest, they had.

Christina felt Meredith shudder slightly as she spoke, and edged closer to her friend. 'What makes you think he's sick?' she asked, 'What are his symptoms?'

Meredith eased away from Christina slightly, facing her again. 'If I tell you, you have to promise me you won't laugh, or say anything unkind about him, or anything, he's embarrassed enough as it is, so I just…Promise me'. Meredith took her eyes from the bewildered expression on her best friend's face and stared at her hands, almost as if they held some special point of interest.

Christina Yang was confused. McDreamy was embarrassed? Of all the words she could use to describe Derek Shepherd, embarrassed wasn't one that leapt to mind. What could be wrong with him that she could laugh at and be unkind about him over, that would embarrass him? Christina didn't voice her thoughts. Instead, she nodded, 'I promise' she heard herself say.

Meredith released a breath of air she hadn't even realised she'd been holding. Relief washed over her. This was Christina, she told herself. Christina wouldn't tell anyone. 'Derek….Derek can't….We….' Try as she might, the words just wouldn't come out of her mouth. She flushed.

Christina's eyes widened in amazement. Suddenly she understood. 'Shepherd can't have sex?' The shock in her voice was obvious. 'Seriously? Shepherd?' In spite of herself, Christina's eyes shone. 'McDreamy is McImp...'

'CHRISTINA!' Meredith yelled, before taking a sharp breath. 'I told you not to laugh, or be unkind', she hissed, between gritted teeth, 'and using that word is being unkind, and it isn't funny, not in the least bit funny, so you can just stop, stop looking like that, it's not funny!' Meredith was whispering now, each word getting gradually louder as she spoke. She sounded like an angry snake. 'I'm scared', she added meaningfully.

Christina Yang became serious immediately. Meredith never admitted to being scared. Even on the day she was holding a bomb inside a patient, Christina Yang never heard her friend say she was scared. 'Okay, sorry, I just…You and Shepherd, and no sex, it just…'

In spite of the worry, Meredith could see what Christina was saying. Everyone assumed that she and Derek did nothing but sex. The thought of being with him and not doing it seemed…She didn't know. She hadn't thought about it. All she could think about was that he might be sick. That, and the fact he wasn't talking to her. She hadn't even had time to think about the lack of the sex.

Christina allowed Meredith a moment, before she cleared her throat, dragging her out of her thoughts. 'So, how long has it been going on, has he had tests, what do they think the problem is?'

Meredith shook her head as Christina rifled questions out. 'I don't know, maybe a couple of weeks, maybe three. He hasn't had any tests….He won't do anything about it, and he won't talk to me about it, he's staying in the trailer again. I've done some research and found out all the things it could be, and I just….He could be really sick Christina, and he just won't do anything!' Meredith's voice was rising, in frustration, in pain, she wasn't sure anymore.

As the two sat in the locker room, Meredith told Christina about everything that had been happening. She told her about the research she'd done, and how angry Derek had been. Christina didn't say anything, though more than once her eyes gave away that she thought Derek should just get his head out of his ass and see someone. Meredith talked about the problem, how long it had been going on, and how distant Derek had become.

Suddenly all the looks that had been going on lately made sense to Christina. All the time she assumed Derek Shepherd had done something to let Meredith down again. Well, in a way he had, she reasoned. Meredith was scared, and Shepherd wasn't doing a damned thing about it. He was being pathetic.

While the two friends talked, they didn't realise that someone was lingering around the locker room door, holding it slight ajar. They had heard every word.

A/N Well there we are, yet another cliffhanger chapter ending. It really wasn't supposed to be like that, but if it hadn't been the chapter would have gone far too long. The next one should be very interesting. Even I can't wait!


	18. Chapter 18

A/N My thanks for the feedback for chapter 17, which was one of those that I knew what I expected it to do in my head, but on the page it took a while to get the tone of it right. I think I managed it in the end, but Meredith, in this vulnerable state, which is entirely understandable considering what is going on, is hard for me to write. She behaved herself in the end, sort of.

I've been reading back through the story and found some stupid mistakes, spellings and so on that the spellcheck hasn't picked up, mainly because I haven't so much spelt the words wrong, so much as not thought about what I was doing. I think when you are writing and caught up in it, the eye can trick itself into seeing what it wants. Anyway, just to say, if you notice any glaring mistakes, please overlook them for now. When I finish the story I intend to go through and edit each chapter properly, checking spellings, punctuation and so on. Meanwhile, it's the story that is the thing, and my thanks to you all for getting caught up in the little cliffhanger I dumped on you in the previous chapter. I presume you all want to know who has been listening in on Meredith? Okay, so, here goes, please, as ever, read, review, and, with this one in particular, enjoy.

After talking to Christina, Meredith felt a little better. It felt good to unload all the stuff that had been churning around in her head for days. It gave her strength to cope with the day ahead, which included a long surgery with Dr. Bailey. Meredith went straight from the locker room to rounds, and from there, to the O.R. She saw Izzie in the corridor with Nurse Debbie after rounds, engrossed in what looked like a very animated conversation. Izzie's eye were bright and she was smiling widely. Meredith felt relieved. Still, she made a mental note to make sure later that Izzie wasn't upset about the way Christina had thrown her out of the locker-room. It wasn't even as if it meant anything, Meredith told herself. All Christina was doing was giving her space to talk in private. Izzie wasn't being deliberately excluded. Still, she thought once more before she went to scrub in, Izzie seemed happy enough now, so maybe she was worrying about nothing.

When Derek Shepherd arrived at the hospital that morning he told himself that today was the day he was going to fix some of the damage he'd done. As soon as he could get time he was going to find Meredith and talk to her. He had been without her long enough.

Derek had spent days and long, sleepless nights turning everything over in his mind. After yet another night alone at the trailer, he knew he couldn't keep doing this any longer. He had complained to Meredith before that she didn't talk to him when she was upset, and now, there he was doing the exact same thing. It was time to stop. He was going to find Meredith, he was going to apologise for the way he had been behaving, and he was going to get her back. He was certain of it. By the end of the day he would be back with Meredith again. Failure wasn't an option. Not for him.

As positive as he was, Derek knew that he still couldn't face the thought of seeing someone about his problem. The thought of being poked and prodded and answering private, personal questions, was still something he couldn't deal with. But, he told himself, if he could just talk to Meredith, explain to her how the problem made him feel, how embarrassed he was, and how weak it made him feel, Derek knew she would understand. All he had to do was talk to her.

Derek made his way into the hospital and signed in at Reception. He smiled a good morning to the Receptionist behind the desk as he put his pen back in his pocket.

'Good morning Dr. Shepherd, how's it…H – how are you this morning?' The middle-aged Receptionist stammered, flushing, and Derek thought, staring strangely at him, as if he'd got something on his face or in his hair. He could tell just by looking at her that she was struggling to keep a straight face. Something was obviously amusing her, Derek mused, but he couldn't see the joke. Just to be sure, he rubbed a hand around his chin, and then through his hair. Then, just to double-check, he told himself, he looked at his hand. There was nothing there.

'I'm fine thank you' Derek replied, smiling politely again before moving away. As he did so, from the corner of his eye, he saw another person come out of the small office behind Reception. He could just see the two people now behind the desk having a whispered conversation. He couldn't make out what they were saying, but he clearly heard them both break into loud peals of laughter as he went towards the elevator. Derek shook his head, deciding that women found the weirdest things funny.

As Derek went into the crowded elevator, he knew immediately that something was going on, something he obviously knew nothing about. When the doors opened to let Derek inside, he was confronted by the usual early morning throng. There were nurses and doctors, a few members of the admin staff, and one or two visitors, with the usual questions of where to find various departments. However, as soon as they realised he was there, the flow of rapid conversation and noise was cut off abruptly. It was just as if someone had pushed the pause button. It wasn't just the sounds of the voices. A Resident, who had been making wild hand gestures as he spoke just seconds before, was left floundering, his hands in mid air, his face flushing scarlet as the Attending eased himself into the small amount of space by his side. Derek exchanged a look with the younger man, who flushed even more for just a moment. Derek decided once more that something strange was definitely happening that day, and for some reason, he'd been left out of the joke.

All the time he was in the elevator Derek felt as if he was being watched. The only two people not interested in him were the visitors, a middle-aged couple who just stood quietly, their heads angled upwards to watch the floor numbers go by. The rest seemed to be staring at him, Derek thought. Every now and then he would sense someone's eyes on him, or he would pick up on a smothered whisper, where he was sure he heard his name and '….all over the hospital…' and '….I heard it from….' When he looked in the direction of the voices, he received nothing except polite smiles, until, just before he got out of the elevator, when a nurse, someone from Paediatrics who Derek knew only vaguely, suddenly giggled loudly. The girl, a short, plump thing, whose scrubs looked at least a size too small for her, quickly put her hand over her mouth to stifle the sound, but her eyes gave her away. Derek thought about asking what the joke was, but just as he opened his mouth, the elevator doors opened on his floor, and he got out, noticing immediately that as the doors closed once more, the loud conversations and excited hand gestures resumed.

Derek tried to ignore whatever was going on he obviously wasn't party to. He had a busy day ahead, and, he reminded himself, today he was going to talk to Meredith. Nothing mattered more to him than that. However, as he went through his department, he was aware once more he being watched. He tried to persuade himself he was being paranoid, after all, this was a busy hospital where people didn't have time to watch him all day. However, as he went through the morning there were several times when he walked in on conversations that stopped immediately, and moments when he realised he was being pointed out. Then he knew the truth. He wasn't being paranoid at all, he was being talked about and, if he wasn't mistaken, it was going on all over the hospital.

At first Derek tried not to think what his insides were telling him. He told himself not to be stupid. Maybe people had realised he and Meredith were having problems again and their relationship, which, as far as the hospital was concerned, read like a script from an Eighties soap opera, was being examined and dissected again, much like it was when he first met Meredith, and then even more so when Addison showed up. Derek told himself that Meredith had promised him she wouldn't talk about his problem, not to anyone, and he believed her. Meredith wouldn't do it to him, he told himself, even when he was in the O.R. when he sensed people were inspecting him, or worse, their eyes, the one part of the face that wasn't obscured by a mask, reflected pity when they looked at him. Derek sighed, maybe, he told himself, they could all see how much he missed Meredith. He wouldn't allow himself to even think of any other reason they might feel sorry for him. He pushed down on it hard, even as his stomach knotted and his heart began to thump. Meredith wouldn't tell, he was sure.

A few hours later, Derek was out of surgery, mentally congratulating himself for a job well done. His patient was in recovery and making excellent progress. It was turning into a good day. The only thing that would make it better was to see Meredith and it was time. He quickly completed his notes on the surgery and went to put the file back in its place behind the nurses station. Then, as he turned back, he felt a large hand on his shoulder. He smiled, it was the Chief, Richard Webber, his mentor. Derek opened his mouth to say something, but before he could do so, the Chief interrupted.

'If you need to talk to anyone, you know where I am.' It was a simple statement, accompanied by a firm squeeze on the shoulder.

Derek was immediately confused. 'Thanks, but with respect Chief, what would I need to talk to you about?'

Richard Webber eyed his Head of Neurosurgery with sympathetic, if slightly suspicious, eyes. He'd known Derek Shepherd for years, so he knew when he was trying to run from his problems. 'I'm just saying,' he said softly, 'if you need anything, there isn't much I haven't heard around this place, so if you need anything, I mean, I don't know much about it, but I know it must be difficult for you, so if you need to talk, in confidence, I'm here.'

Derek nodded absentmindedly, his mind working overtime to figure out what the hell the Chief was talking about. Then it came to him. 'Look, if you're talking about me and Meredith, we're fine, I know it looks like we're not, but we are, we're fine. We had a fight, a _very small_ fight', he emphasised the final word, knowing how protective the Chief was of Meredith since her mother's death, 'but by the end of the day I'll have sorted it out and we'll be fine, so don't worry about her'. Derek made a mental note to tell Meredith he was starting to ramble like her.

The Chief's brows rose as he listened to Derek before he shook his head in a paternalistic way. 'I'm not just worrying about Meredith, though I'm sure this is as tough on her as you, I mean, you're both young, so it's only natural that it would cause problems for you, it's nothing to be ashamed of, it happens to people of all ages all the time.' The Chief patted Derek's shoulder benevolently.

Now Derek became anxious. Something clawed at the pit of his stomach. It made him want to heave. However, before he could say anything in response, the Chief's pager went off, and the older man disappeared, reminding Derek once more, 'If you need anything Shep, anything at all….' Then he was gone.

When Derek turned around, his mind racing with a hundred thoughts, he reminded himself that he was being stupid. There was no way Meredith would discuss his problem with anyone, especially not the Chief. Meredith would never, ever do that, even if they were fighting. There was no way. He was going to find her right now, and they would make it up, and then he would make damned sure the whole hospital knew they were fine again, then they could move on to talking about someone else, _anyone_ else.

Derek went towards the Surgical Board, hoping it would give him some idea of where Meredith might be. He hadn't seen her that day and assumed she was in surgery. When he saw her name on the board, showing her presence in the O.R. with Bailey, he smiled. He would go and meet her from the scrub room. Suddenly Derek became aware he wasn't alone. Alex Karev sidled up alongside him, and, just as the Chief had done earlier, patted him on the shoulder.

Derek stared at the man beside him, who stood facing the board as if nothing had happened. 'Karev?' Derek was unnerved. Alex Karev wasn't the type to come over and pat his Attendings on the shoulder, unless, he reasoned, something was wrong. Then he became worried, anxiety made his stomach turn once more. 'Is everything all right, is Meredith okay?' Derek was almost shaking. What if Meredith had been upset all this time they'd been apart again and the gossip had got to her? What if she'd done something to herself? He fought the urge to go and find Meredith right now.

Alex Karev carried on staring fixedly at the surgical board. 'Meredith's fine, she's in a surgery with Bailey.' As if to prove the point Alex raised a finger to where Meredith's name was written in small capital letters on the white board. Before Derek could say anything, Alex's voice dropped into a conspiratorial whisper. 'Look man, I just wanted to say don't worry about it. It happens sometimes, even to the best of us, don't sweat it.'

A wave of intense nausea washed over Derek Shepherd. His legs turned to jelly beneath him. He forced himself to regain control, telling himself this wasn't happening to him. Meredith wouldn't do this, she _wouldn't_. 'What are you talking about Karev?'

Alex Karev turned away from the surgical board. 'Look, you don't need to be embarrassed, it happens, it even happened to me a couple of times, a while back, and it was okay again just as fast, so it wasn't the same as you, what with it happening over and over, but I reckon it'll be all right, you just have to ride it out and see what happens…and maybe buy Meredith some batteries'. Alex Karev sniggered before walking away, swaggering as he went.

Reality smashed into Derek Shepherd like an ice cold tidal wave. He couldn't deny it to himself anymore. Everyone, right from the staff on the Reception desk in the hospital entrance, right the way through to the Chief of Surgery knew. Everyone, people he worked with, operated with, had to deal with every day on a professional basis, knew he was impotent. All the sniggers and giggles, all the sympathetic, patronising smiles, pats on the shoulder and offers of help crashed over him. The only thing he could think was that they all knew he was impotent, they all knew his private business.

Feeling the shame and panic coursing through his veins, Derek rushed to find somewhere to hide, just for a moment, to think. All he could hear was the sound of a thousand voices, all taunting him, laughing. The only thing he could see was the pointing fingers and the sneers of his colleagues as they joked at his expense.

Suddenly it all stopped. Derek realised there was only one person who had known he had a problem. So now, as he made his way to the scrub room where he knew he would find her, Derek Shepherd was furious. All thoughts of the reconciliation he hoped they would share vanished, replaced by suffocating fury.

A/N Oh my goodness. So this rules out Derek as being the one who overheard Meredith. Review if you want to know what happens next. You were going to find out in this chapter, but I'm quite enjoying prolonging the agony, but I promise, in the next one, you will see something major happening and some sort of resolution. Stick with me.


	19. Chapter 19

A/N Thanks so much for all the lovely reviews for the previous chapter. It all encourages me so much. I have to say, I love all the excitement generated by the cliffhanger. For me though, it really isn't important who did it, so much as the outcome of it.

Derek definitely isn't happy at the moment, and for me, he showed it by not altogether being cooperative when I was writing him in chapter 18. It's Meredith I usually have trouble writing, McDreamy usually behaves himself. Mind you, I am giving him all sorts of problems to deal with, so maybe he's avenging himself…. Just wanted to also say, I've received more than 120 reviews for this story now, which is very exciting for me and so rewarding. I'm so pleased you all seem to be enjoying it. I'm still loving the writing process. I have a way to go yet, and I know what the ending looks like in my mind, it's the getting there that will be interesting. I can't give an idea of how many more chapters to expect because even I don't know. At least another five, possibly another ten, who knows. I know what the story is doing, it's just padding out the details that is a little hazy from time to time.

Anyway, onward!

Derek steamrollered his way through the corridors on the O.R. floor, completely blanking out anything else going on around him. All the sounds of the hospital became a distant hum, a murmur he couldn't absorb through the screaming in his mind.

All Derek could think about was that Meredith had told everyone he was impotent. He had tried so hard to not even think that word, and now it was there, thumping around in his head. He felt like someone was beating the word into his skull, every blow impressing it deeper and deeper into his brain, and everyone could see it. It was as if he'd been branded, 'Derek Shepherd, Impotent', he could see it clearly, the whole damned world could, and Meredith had done it.

Within moments Derek arrived at the door of the scrub-room to O.R. 1, where he knew he would find Meredith. Before he went inside, he took a second to glance through the glass panels in the door. He could see Meredith, standing next to Bailey, scrubbing out. Other members of staff, a scrub nurse, the anaesthetist and a couple of others were milling around, until, just a second or so later, they came to the door. Derek stood aside to let them out, not looking at any of them. None of them acknowledged his presence, and for once, Derek was happy with that. They obviously didn't know anything. Meredith hadn't quite managed to tell the whole hospital, he thought to himself bitterly. Then, steeling himself, Derek went into the scrub-room. He tried to ignore the way his heart pounded in his head, and his hands, that despite being sweaty, trembled slightly. He forced down the nausea that was creeping into the back of his dry throat.

Both Bailey and Meredith's heads turned towards the door when they heard it swinging open. Meredith's eyes were immediately drawn to the man in the doorway. She felt herself flush, unable to quite believe that he was standing there. It had seemed so long since she'd seen him up close like this, for a moment it took her breath away. There he was, standing there, tall and handsome, though, she had to admit, his hair looked a little less than perfectly styled. It looked like he'd run his fingers through it, not messy, definitely not messy, just a little….less than perfect. And he looked tired, very tired, and there was something else, something in his eyes. His eyes didn't look right. Anxiety clutched at Meredith, just for a second, before she got a grip. There was nothing wrong with him at all, he just looked tired, that was all. She tried to make eye contact with him, but when she did, Derek looked away, casting his eyes around the room. Meredith's heart sank. He still wasn't talking to her. Then she thought, he was probably here to talk to Bailey about something. Taking her eyes off him, Meredith concentrated on scrubbing her hands.

Miranda Bailey stood, watching on as Meredith Grey absorbed Derek Shepherd with her eyes, and Derek Shepherd looked in every direction other than where Meredith Grey was standing. Miranda was tempted, very sorely tempted to roll her eyes. These two were obviously in trouble again. She wondered what it could possibly be this time. They'd been through getting together in spite of it being against the rules for an Attending to get romantically involved with an intern. Then there was his wife turning up, shattering Grey, who wasn't the most together of people even at the best of times, into a thousand pieces, and tearing Shepherd apart when he decided he had to try to salvage his marriage, even if trying wasn't exactly what he did. There had been many twists and turns along the way, some of which Miranda knew about, and some she could only guess at, until eventually, Shepherd just couldn't try anymore and his marriage ended. There was a whole period when the hospital learned to accept that Grey and Shepherd were a couple. Grey seemed happy, and Shepherd seemed content, almost blissful. Then came the ferryboat disaster, and from then, everything seemed to go wrong. Now, Miranda thought, as far as she was aware, Grey and Shepherd had worked out their difficulties. She'd never asked directly, not having the time, or the inclination, to get involved in anyone else's private affairs, but she had ways of finding things out. Somehow lately, they had sorted themselves out, so what the hell was wrong with them now?

After several long seconds of standing in the doorway, trying to look anywhere but at Meredith, Derek found his voice. He turned his attention entirely to Bailey. 'Dr. Bailey, could I have a moment with Grey please?' He asked calmly, forcing himself to control the anger boiling in the pit of his stomach. He knew he couldn't say what he had to say with Bailey around, and also, he knew instinctively, if he lost it with Bailey around, he would come off the loser. Bailey was like a Mother Hen with her interns, or rather, her former interns. She might not seem like it, but she dealt with them all as if they were her children. If he said what he needed to say to Meredith in front of Bailey, she would be on him like a tonne of bricks.

Miranda Bailey eyed her boss suspiciously. She knew for sure now, something was definitely wrong here. Shepherd was usually far more arrogant than that, and what was with calling his girlfriend by her surname? Something was definitely going on here. She glanced at Meredith for a second, noting how the girl was concentrating on washing her hands. That confirmed it, something was wrong here, and she wasn't going to be in the way while they sorted it out. She knew more than enough about their dramas. 'Be my guest', she replied, as she moved away from the sinks, dried her hands quickly and left the scrub-room, not even glancing back at either of them.

Meredith tried to block out Derek's voice as he spoke to Bailey, expecting him to discuss a case, or a surgical procedure he needed extra hands with. Then, when he said her name, just her surname, she noticed, she flinched. Her heart sank into her shoes. This was it, they were over, she knew it. Derek was never that formal, not with her, it told her everything she needed to know. Meredith carried on washing her hands until Miranda Bailey had left, then she reached out, turned off the taps, and stood, gripping the rim of the sink for support. 'So, I'm _Grey_ now? That's great Derek, really great, or am I supposed to be calling you Dr. Shepherd, or maybe even Sir?' Meredith congratulated herself on how angry she sounded. Anger was better than hurt, or sad, or in pain, all of which she felt.

Derek watched Meredith now, as she stood, her back practically to him as he moved further into the room. When he was about a foot away, the familiar lavender smell of her hair washed over him, and he inhaled it deeply. He couldn't push away the feeling that being so near her gave him, the sense that he was home. Everything about her made him feel alive. It was like watching the sunrise every day, Meredith filled him with the joy of life just by being near him. She really was, as he'd told her almost a year before, like coming up for fresh air. Then he was reminded of what she'd done. Anger washed over him again. 'Why did you do it?' He heard himself ask the question even before he could think.

Meredith stood, not even daring to move. She knew if she did, she would turn around and Derek would be there, right behind her. She knew if she moved, faced him, she would be done. Christina's pushing earlier had been enough without Derek starting. Then, as she stood, she realised what Derek had said. He sounded angry. Meredith suddenly realised what had been wrong when Derek came into the scrub-room. His eyes were darker than usual, almost black. He was angry, it was obvious, but about what? 'What are you talking about?' Meredith couldn't work out what was going on. 'What's going on Derek?' She asked at last, sensing the tension in the room, the air crackled with it.

That was enough for Derek Shepherd. His fury was ignited. 'You ask me what's going on?' he forced himself not to yell, shaking with the effort. 'You have the nerve to stand there and ask me what's going on, what _I'm_ talking about? You know damned well what I'm talking about!' In spite of himself, Derek's voice was rising. His pulse began to pound behind his eyeballs.

Meredith couldn't believe it. Derek was almost yelling. He hadn't spoken to her in days and now he was yelling? He had a nerve. Before she could stop herself, Meredith turned on her heel and faced the man standing so close to her she could almost feel his body heat. He was always so warm, she remembered. Sometimes, after a busy day, it was nice to go home and lie next to him in bed, spooned with him, his warm hands running up and down the length of her body, while his feet, which, unlike hers, never seemed to get cold, lay over hers. It made her feel safe, and cared for, or at least, it had until everything went wrong. The thought jolted her out of her thoughts. Derek was obviously pissed at her for something. Again, she reminded herself, he had a nerve. 'If I remember it right, you're the one who's been ignoring me for days, pretending I don't even exist, blanking me all over the place, then you come in here and start yelling at me for whatever, and you tell me I've got a nerve? Seriously Derek? You really seriously want to say that to me?'

Derek took a step back. He hadn't expected Meredith to turn round and face him so directly. It knocked the wind out of his sails for just a moment. He had been ignoring her, that was true. Then he had a thought. 'Is that why you did it then, to get back at me for ignoring you?' The words came out quietly, coldly.

Is that why I did what!' Meredith yelled at last, getting frustrated. She felt like she was missing something. Maybe they'd had a conversation over the last few days that somehow her mind had completely blanked. It felt like it. It was like reading a book and finding that all the pages in the middle that made the ending make sense were missing.

Derek glared and felt his pulse quicken. She really was going to make him tell her what she'd done, how much she'd embarrassed him. Okay, he thought, if that's what she wants. 'Did you tell everyone I'm….' he hesitated on the word, '….Did you tell everyone I'm impotent to get your own back on me for ignoring you, because if you did….'

Meredith stared. She felt her mouth as it fell open into a gape. 'Did I….I….What?' She was stunned. She couldn't understand it. 'I don't…I…'

Derek took in Meredith's shocked appearance. It fuelled his anger. He began to pace around the room as the need to move and breath overtook him. 'I came into work this morning and was greeted by a Receptionist on the front desk who seemed to think I was hilariously funny. She couldn't even look me in the eye with a straight face. Then one of the others came out of the office behind the desk and they were laughing when I walked away. I thought it was my imagination at first, maybe I'd interrupted a joke or something, or it was some weird women's thing that I couldn't see. So I went into the elevator, which went completely quiet when I got in. All the way up people were watching me, and sniggering. One of the nurses burst out laughing at one point. She tried to hide it, but…'

Meredith forced herself to focus on what Derek was saying. Then it hit her. 'You think I've told people about….' She cut across him, stopping the flow of his words.

Derek stopped pacing abruptly. 'I don't _think_ you've told people, I _know_ you have, but wait, you haven't heard the best yet, the really good bit.'

Meredith knew he was being sarcastic, but her mind could hardly take it in. She couldn't understand why he was accusing her of doing something she would never, ever do to him. From what he'd said, she couldn't see why he thought people knew. There were jokes doing the rounds all the time at the hospital, jokes that some people knew about whilst others didn't. People would exchange jokes on their mobile phones, passing them on from one to another, until sooner or later, the joke was relayed around a whole department, or even most of the hospital. It was stupid, and maybe childish, but it didn't mean any harm. Maybe he'd walked in on a joke, and people, knowing he was an Attending, assumed he would think it wasn't funny, or it was in poor taste. It had to be something like that. It had to be. 'Maybe it was a private joke, something people couldn't tell you, or maybe….'

Derek couldn't believe this. He ignored her and went on. 'All over the hospital people have been watching me, whispering and pointing, and not talking when I've come into a room. I even had people watching me in the O.R., not studying the surgery, just watching me. Some of them looked like they felt sorry for me, but others stood there like they expected me to explode or something. Then when I came out the Chief saw me and he offered me his help, he said that he didn't know much about it, but if I need anything, he's here, and then he said that it happens to people of all ages all the time, he said it's nothing to be ashamed of'.

Meredith shook her head in horror. The Chief knew? The Chief never got involved in the staff's personal lives, well, not unless you counted his obvious interest in her dead Mommy, and, by association, her. He would only discuss one of his staff's sex lives if he thought it directly involved his department. But, then again, he had known Derek for years. If he thought something was wrong….Meredith's musing was cut off when she realised Derek was still talking.

'Then Alex Karev spoke to me. He patted me on the shoulder like we've been friends for years, and then he told me not to worry about it, he said it happens to, as he put it, the best of us, and then he suggested I buy you some batteries.'

Meredith reeled. Alex? Meredith knew what Alex was like, how he could say things to people. He liked to give the impression he was cocky, uncaring, idiot. Meredith knew different. Apart from the very early days of their internship, when Alex treated everyone, especially the women, like objects, he'd always been nice to her. 'Maybe he was just being funny', Meredith tried. 'You know what Alex is like, with his sarcastic mouth, and stupid comments, he wouldn't….'

'THEY ALL KNEW, EVERY ONE OF THEM, SO WHY DID YOU TELL THEM? TELL ME MEREDITH, I REALLY WANT TO KNOW!' Derek yelled, making the walls around them vibrate. When he was done, he was panting. He began to pace again, his hands on his hips. His heart thumped almost painfully hard. He felt sick.

Meredith's eyes widened. Derek really did think she'd told everyone about his problem. 'I didn't tell anyone Derek, I swear, I wouldn't do that. I told you I wouldn't, and I haven't. I haven't told anyone.' Meredith's words flowed thick and fast. She still couldn't take this in.

Derek laughed darkly again. 'You don't need to lie to me Meredith, all you need to do is tell me why you did it! Were you actually trying to embarrass the crap out of me, because if you were, you definitely succeeded. Top marks Grey, very nicely done!'

Derek's tone was unmistakeable. He'd called her a liar, he'd called her by her surname again, and then, just for good measure, he'd used those words he'd said so often in the O.R. when he was especially pleased with the way his team worked during a surgery. She'd spent so many hours in the O.R. with him, watching him work, assisting him, and exchanging looks with him that no one else seemed able to read, the words he'd just spoken couldn't fail to hurt. It was as if he was taunting her deliberately, just like the day he'd implied she was a whore when he realised she was seeing Finn Dandridge, Doc's vet. Then, in a flash, Meredith's hurt turned to anger. Suddenly she was fuming. 'You can call me whatever you like _Dr. Shepherd_', Meredith used Derek's formal title deliberately, 'but don't you ever call me a liar, not ever, _I_ don't tell lies!' Meredith's eyes blazed with temper.

Derek was too angry to acknowledge what Meredith was saying, though her meaning was obvious. She wasn't the one in their relationship who had told lies. He pushed the thought aside, he couldn't think about that now. 'Well someone has found out somehow, and if you haven't told someone, then who…'

Meredith's heart froze over. She had a sudden thought. 'Oh my God.' She felt the colour drain from her face. It couldn't be right, it couldn't.

Derek watched as Meredith paled. Just for a second, his anger died. 'What?' He moved towards Meredith, reaching for her. He flinched when she pulled away.

Meredith felt sick suddenly. She saw Derek's face when she pulled away from him. She turned her back on him once more. She couldn't face him and say this. She felt his eyes on her, felt him move so he was behind her again. She could hear him breathe. Closing her eyes, she took a breath, then she spoke. 'Derek I told Christina.'

Derek stared at the back of Meredith's head as what she said sank in. Then it hit him. He began to laugh. Anger rushed through his veins again. 'Of course you did, I should have known, you told Yang.'

Meredith winced. This wasn't going to go well, she knew it. But then she thought about her friend. She knew even without having to think about it, Christina would never spread gossip about Derek, especially not about something Meredith had told her herself.

They'd always been close, Derek mused. Meredith and Christina were best friends, almost joined at the hip, it seemed to him. They turned to each other for everything, as he knew to his cost. He had been pushed aside so many times in favour of Christina, he'd almost lost count. It didn't help that Yang resented the very air he breathed. She continued to hate him for hurting Meredith long after her other friends had grown to accept him. He knew Christina would love thinking how inadequate he was, what a failure. 'I bet Yang really enjoyed telling people about me.' The thought slipped out before he could stop it.

Meredith shook her head. 'Christina wouldn't do that Derek. I know her, and I know she wouldn't do that.'

Derek smirked. 'Oh come on Meredith, you know Christina hates me, she always has. She'd enjoy nothing more than humiliating me, you know it.'

Meredith sighed. Derek wasn't yelling now. He sounded defeated, like he'd lost something. But Meredith knew Christina would never do what he was saying. 'She wouldn't tell people Derek, I know it. I was upset and she wanted to know what was wrong with me. At first I wouldn't tell her, I couldn't, but she pushed me, and when I still couldn't tell her, she worked it out. Derek, I swear, I didn't tell her outright, she worked it out, but I know she wouldn't tell anyone else, I just know.'

Derek had to admit he could see Yang pushing Meredith. He could see that under pressure, Meredith would break. What he couldn't see was why Meredith refused to face the truth. Her friend had told the whole hospital he was impotent. She'd done it deliberately. Then he realised. Whatever he said, Meredith was going to take Christina's side. She always did. He couldn't compete. Turning on his heel, Derek left the room, leaving Meredith alone.

It took a few seconds for Meredith to realise Derek had gone. Somehow it didn't surprise her, not any more. She knew he would think Christina had told everyone about his problem, and, if it was anyone else, she would see what he was saying, but, Meredith knew. Christina would never do that. She made no secret of not liking Derek much, Meredith knew that, but for all that, Meredith knew Christina would never gossip behind his back. Christina wasn't a gossip. If there was a gossip amongst her friends, it was Izzie….

Meredith turned over that morning in the locker room in her mind. She remembered how angry Izzie was when Christina threw her out. Then she remembered later, as she came out on her way to the O.R., she had seen Izzie in a very cosy chat with Nurse Debbie, the Seattle Grace equivalent of the daily newspapers.

Meredith didn't know how, but somehow she knew now exactly who had told the entire hospital about Derek's problem. She knew another thing. She was going to kill Izzie Stevens.

A/N Oh dear, another cliffhanger for you, at least, of sorts. I really did intend this to conclude this part of the story, but you know how it is. If I want to keep the chapters to a sane length, they can't go on and on, and this was how this chapter seemed to want to go. I promise, in the next chapter, something good will happen. I just hope all these cliffhangers aren't getting cheesy now, however, we all know that Meredith and Derek don't always fix things quickly, and also, I am getting them to talk more (I think) than they do in the show, so I hope it makes sense. More very soon.


	20. Chapter 20

A/N Well now, yes, as I think most of you worked out, our little eavesdropper is Izzie. I don't really think there is much of a mystery there really, it's the sort of thing I think Izzie would have done, for reasons I'm getting to in this part. As you'll have hopefully noticed, I've referred to some of the stuff going on with other characters in vague ways, Izzie and George, and Christina and Burke, just to add depth, not really to push the story along as such, though what I've also hopefully done is used the stuff with them to show that they have been changed by all the goings-on to the degree that this has had a bearing on Meredith and Derek. I hope it's all credible.

I'm not American as you'll all know, but I'm well aware that season 4 of Grey's starts tonight. I hope you all enjoy it. I enjoyed season 3 in its way, but hope season 4 is a little lighter. I'm going to cheat and rather than wait for it to come over here, I'm going to download it each week. Thank God for the internet! Anyway, thanks for the reviews for the previous chapter. I had to write that one over a couple of days, and, self critical as I am, I think it shows a little. Having said that, I think it came out OK. Maybe Derek could have been a little more angry, but I needed to keep a bit back for later….Yes, that's a hint. Stick with me and you'll find out. For now bear in mind that Meredith is after Izzie's blood and Derek still thinks Christina is responsible and Meredith is siding with her. How are they going to fix it? Please, read and review.

It didn't take Meredith long to locate Izzie. She found her in the clinic she had funded with her inheritance from Denny Duquette, her fiancé. For once, coming here didn't make Meredith think of how Izzie had agonised over the money, whether to bank it, or leave the cheque forever trapped between a magnet and the fridge door at home. It didn't even make her think of that time when Izzie was so obviously getting far too involved with a patient who desperately needed a heart transplant, not that any of them had really seen it at the time. Izzie always got too involved with patients, it was her way. Coming here didn't remind Meredith of the night Izzie cut Denny's LVAD wire in a desperate attempt to make sure he got a heart that had become available. No, today, when she walked into the clinic, all Meredith could think about was getting her hands on her room-mate. The only thing that mattered was that Izzie had helped to spread Derek's problem all over the hospital. Izzie, her room-mate and friend, had managed to spread around the one problem that Derek and Meredith had been able to keep private. Everything else they had been through had become public property, for the consumption of the entire staff. This one thing had been private and personal, and Izzie had ruined it.

Just for the briefest moments on the way to the clinic Meredith started to think that maybe Derek was right in a way. In a sense, if she had kept her mouth shut, none of this would have happened and no one would know anything to gossip about. Years of taking the blame for everything that went wrong in her life told her that this was her fault, and it would be her fault if Derek never forgave her. But then she thought. All she had done was confide in a friend about a situation that scared her. She had been worried sick for days, and Christina had helped. She had never asked Izzie to stick her nose in where it wasn't wanted. No, Meredith told herself, this was Izzie's fault and she was damned well going to fix it.

When Meredith walked into the clinic, she found Izzie working with a patient. The man was lying on a bed, sitting propped up. After a brief discussion, Izzie appeared to get the man to sit forward, and then she took the stethoscope that was around her neck and placed it against the man's back. Meredith could see that Izzie was getting the man to breathe in and out while she listened to his breath sounds. Then, when the man was sitting back again, Izzie spoke to him briefly, smiling in that reassuring way she often used on people, before she wrote something down on the pad in her hand, passed the man a slip of paper Meredith could see was a prescription, and then helped the man off the bed carefully. As the man turned to leave the clinic, Izzie turned with him and saw Meredith. She nodded towards Meredith as she said goodbye to the man and told him to come back if he was still concerned in a few days. Then she moved, walking over to where Meredith was standing by the door.

'Hi', Izzie said, when the man had gone. She looked towards the door that the man she had just been treating had gone through a moment before. 'He just needed a course of antibiotics. He's got a localised chest infection, there seems to be a lot of colds and stuff going around at the moment.'

Meredith could tell Izzie was still annoyed at getting thrown out of the locker room earlier. Usually she would have felt guilty, but now, thinking about all the damage Izzie had done, she forced herself not to care. Instead, before Izzie could speak again, Meredith cut her off. 'I need to speak to you about earlier in the locker-room.'

Izzie went to move towards the desk in the middle of the room. 'Look Meredith, I know, you and Christina were having one of your secret little moments, and you didn't want me around. It's fine, I'm used to it by now, I mean, God knows, you do it often enough!' Izzie didn't yell. Her words came out in a steady stream, bubbling from her in a fizzing torrent of bitterness.

Meredith couldn't believe this. After what she'd done Izzie was still carrying on like the injured party? This was unbelievable. She almost wished Christina was here. She would have enjoyed this. She pulled herself out of her thoughts, turning her mind to why she'd come. 'I'm not here to talk about what Christina and I did, I'm here to talk about why you decided it would be a good idea to tell the whole hospital Derek's private business.'

Meredith watched as Izzie paled. 'I…I don't know what you mean, I…I never…I haven't even seen Derek today, so how would I….' She stammered, stumbled and tripped over her words as she shuffled nervously from one foot to the other. Her whole manner screamed of someone who knew she'd done something wrong.

Meredith shook her head, struggling with the urge to yell. 'You don't need to try to get out of it Izzie, I know what you've done. I know you were pissed at me and Christina, so when Christina threw you out of the locker-room, you must have hung around by the door listening to us. Then you obviously decided that you hadn't done enough to get your own back, so you spread what you heard around the whole hospital. I mean, for God's sake Izzie, even the Chief knows!' Meredith's voice was rising at last. She began to shake with the effort of keeping control.

Izzie Stevens flushed scarlet. She looked down at her feet, just for a moment she appeared to be ashamed. Then, with a jerk of her head, she stared down at Meredith defiantly. 'I didn't tell the whole hospital, I didn't! I was upset, I admit it, but you and Christina are always pushing me out, you're always going off into corners for little chats and leaving me out. I share a house with you Meredith, and when was the last time you came to me with a problem? No, it's always you and Christina, and I….'

'Just like it is with you and George!' Meredith countered, refusing to take the blame for all of this. She did talk to Christina, she admitted. She and Christina got each other in the way Izzie and George did. It had never been an issue before, so why now?

A low huff of laughter escaped from Izzie. 'Oh sure, that's right, me and George! But of course, George has Callie now doesn't he? Since he came back he's hardly had a moment for me, it's always Callie this, and Callie that, and they're trying for a baby, which is just ridiculous! I mean, he's never even told her he loves her, did you know that?' Izzie carried on, almost seeming to forget Meredith was in the room. 'He's never even told her he loves her, and they're married and trying for a baby! I mean, it's just all so stupid! Callie thinks George loves her, but he doesn't, I know he doesn't, he can't. He's trying to, because he's George and he thinks it's right, but I know he doesn't love her, and do you know why? Do you know why I know? I know he doesn't love her because he….'

'Izzie!' Meredith couldn't listen to any more of this. Something weird had just happened, that much was obvious. Izzie had taken it badly when George married Callie Torres, everyone knew that, but this, this was definitely weird. Somehow, Meredith told herself, she had the feeling she didn't want to know what Izzie was going to say next. Izzie was carrying on like some sort of….She wouldn't even think it.

Izzie suddenly seemed to remember Meredith was in the room. Standing against the desk now, she leaned against it for support. 'George isn't bothered about me any more Meredith, you and Christina have each other, and Alex is…I don't even know where Alex is lately. All I know is I'm alone, so when Christina threw me out this morning I just saw red. I got out, and then, when you both thought I'd gone, I hung around by the door. I didn't mean any harm, not really, all I wanted to do was feel included. I heard you both talking, and I heard what you said about Derek, and how worried you are, and I was so shocked, I mean, you and Derek, it just seemed, well, you know, and….'

'So you decided to tell everyone just so you could make yourself believe it was true?' Meredith's voice turned into an astonished squeak.

Izzie shook her head, her eyes widening. 'No! I swear, I…I just, I couldn't believe it. I moved away, and Debbie, you know, Nurse Debbie? She saw me, and I must have looked shocked, and she asked me what was wrong, and I didn't think, I just told her, and she laughed, and I suppose I must have done too, from the shock, but I swear, I didn't tell anyone else, I swear it.'

Izzie rambled so fast it was hard for Meredith to take it all in. However, she understood exactly what had happened. Izzie had listened at the door when Meredith was talking to Christina, then, when she came across Nurse Debbie in the corridor, she had blurted everything out. Debbie, being the gossip that everyone knew her to be, had obviously told someone else, and within a short time, it had gone around the entire hospital. Meredith wondered for a second who had told the Chief. Had his secretary found out, or one of the other senior members of staff? She hoped to God it wasn't Mark Sloan. She shuddered to think how Derek would react if Mark tried to talk to him about the problem. It wouldn't be pretty, she was sure about that.

Derek. His name washed over Meredith. He had yelled at her. He was convinced she had invaded his privacy. He had accused her of doing something she would never have done, and then he had decided it must have been Christina that had done it, and it was all Izzie's fault. As much as she was still angry with Derek for the way he'd spoken to her, Meredith could see he thought he had good reason. Derek was embarrassed about something he couldn't control. As much as all their problems had seemed to end up being played out in public, Derek was basically a private person who didn't like discussing his personal problems with anyone, let alone people he worked with. Izzie had ripped the security of his privacy away from Derek, and in doing it, she'd probably ruined any chance Meredith had of working things out with him. Even his thinking it was Christina that had talked about him was as bad. Meredith could see that Derek had assumed that she had defended Christina, he assumed that once again, as he'd said so often before, she had chosen Christina over him.

'Do you know what you've done?' Meredith said at last, after several long moments of tense silence between the two women.

Izzie shook her head, flushing again. 'I didn't mean any harm, I just…I didn't think. I mean, you and Derek, everyone knows about you two, so what harm could it possibly have done?'

That was it for Meredith. She was furious. 'The harm Izzie, is that Derek isn't speaking to me because he's so embarrassed about the problem, and, thanks to you and Debbie, he'll probably never speak to me again! He thinks I've betrayed his trust Izzie, he thinks I've gone behind his back like Addison did, or he thinks I'm sticking up for Christina! He thought that _I'd_ told everyone Izzie! He actually thought I'd gone behind his back! Then when I told him I'd told Christina because I was upset, he decided it must have been Christina that had talked! Izzie, you of all people know that Derek and Christina aren't exactly the closest of friends! You know what Derek will think if he thinks I've taken Christina's side! He was having a bad enough time as it was, and as hard as it was for me that he wasn't talking to me, you've gone and made it a hundred times worse!'

Izzie Stevens lips began to wobble. It was obvious she was almost in tears. 'I didn't…I never thought, I swear, I never meant…I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!'

Meredith watched as tears began to leak from the corners of Izzie's eyes. 'The thing that hurts me Izzie, is that when Denny died I tried so hard to make sure you were never alone. I tried, we _all_ tried, to make sure you were being looked after and cared for, to do whatever we could to help you, because we all knew you were lonely and sad. We risked our careers to stand by you over the LVAD thing, and none of us minded, not even Alex or Christina, because we were all worried about you, and we didn't want you to lose your place on the programme. Now you turn around and do this?' Meredith didn't like throwing the past up at Izzie, but she couldn't help herself. She had tried to help Izzie more than once, they all had. It was hard to believe Izzie would repay her like this.

Izzie began to sob quietly. She looked down on Meredith with eyes awash with tears. 'I'm so sorry Meredith, I'm so sorry! I'll speak to Derek, I'll tell him it was my fault, I'll fix it, I swear!'

Meredith sighed. 'I know you're sorry Iz.' She considered the rest of Izzie's apology. 'I don't know if talking to Derek will help, but sure, he might appreciate an apology from you. At least you can apologise for the embarrassment he'll feel at having to work with people who know all his private business. He'll appreciate that. I'm sure he won't hold it against you, not for long….Just don't expect to get any of his surgeries for a while.' An ironic smile crept over Meredith's lips. It made Izzie cry harder.

'I'm sorry Meredith, truly. I'll do whatever I can to fix it with Derek. Even if it means he won't let me near his cases. I promise I'll fix it.'

Meredith didn't reply. If she was honest, she thought it was hopeless. Once Derek was hurt, if he felt betrayed, that was it. She knew that better than most.

'Meredith?'

Meredith flinched at the desolate tone of Izzie's voice. 'What?' she asked, without giving her too much attention. Suddenly she was exhausted. She wondered how close it was to the end of her shift. She wanted to sleep.

'Do you want me to look for somewhere else to live?'

Meredith started. She hadn't even thought about that. Could she really go on living with Izzie now, especially if Derek didn't move on from what had happened? At this moment, she really didn't know.

'I'll think about it Iz.' Meredith replied, before turning around and leaving the clinic, leaving Izzie, still crying softly, to watch her go.

A/N You know, I think I actually like this chapter! Please, make me happy by reviewing. Just one other thing, can someone please tell me, have I spelled Christina's name wrong? Something tells me it doesn't have an 'h' in it, though I'm not sure. Sloan is another one that gets me. I'm sure I've seen it with and without an 'e'. If anyone knows for sure, I'd love to know, then, when I'm correcting the finished thing, I can make the changes properly. More soon. Derek and Christina will have a discussion in the next one, and I will very definitely have a talk between Meredith and Derek. Soon, I promise.


	21. Chapter 21

A/N I'd just like to say, officially, for the record, I hate writer's block! Hate it! You would have had this a few days ago, but my brain decided it didn't want to work this chapter out. Classical music is supposed to help me write. I listen to Elgar lately while I'm writing. In chapter 20 that worked fine. In this chapter originally? Nope! No way, no how, absolutely not! Someone please tell Derek to stop misbehaving! Grrr! He went all musing in this chapter originally which just doesn't do, not at all.

Hope you're all enjoying the new season of Grey's. Meredith and Derek are so not over! I may be crazy, but I'm beginning to see a change in Meredith. At least she can see that Derek is settling for what he can get at the moment. I think last season she would have been too wrapped up in herself to see it, and maybe Derek last season would have just got all angry and frustrated instead of seeing what is actually going on with Meredith. I have hope people! I'm warming to Cristina again and I still want to slap Izzie, so everything in my Grey's garden is rosy!

Anyway on with this. If Derek doesn't behave in this chapter I'm going to….I'm going to think of something horrible to do to him, so there! Please, read, review, and enjoy.

While Meredith was in the clinic reading the riot act to Izzie, Derek aimed for his tiny excuse for an office. He told himself he would catch up on paperwork, write case notes and make sure his patient files were up-to-date. However, he knew, if he was honest, he wanted to hide. He couldn't stand the thought of spending the rest of the day being watched and talked about, and for once, he really didn't want to talk to Meredith again, not yet, so he decided to stay out of the way, He hoped to God no one interrupted him. He didn't need it, not now.

Derek went inside the small room, not much bigger than a supply closet, with a small interior window facing onto the corridor, and slammed the door harder than he really needed to, but, he reasoned, it made him feel better. Then he yanked down the blind covering the window, pulling on the string so roughly the plastic horizontal shutters smashed together in protest before giving up the fight and falling obediently into place. Realising he was practically standing in the dark, Derek reached out and flicked the light switch on the wall, which, after a few seconds hesitation where the bulb came to life several times only to fail, buzzing like an angry bee, filled the room with the cold, clinical brightness and vague, insistent hum of a strip-light. Derek told himself to get to work, to stop thinking, to shut out the hundred and one things whizzing around in his head. Instead, he began to pace, covering the small space between the desk and the window in four quick strides, before turning and repeating the journey in reverse, up and down, up and down, like a yo-yo. His mind did much the same.

After walking away from Meredith, all Derek could think was that Cristina Yang had won. Without even being in the room, she had finally managed to get Meredith all to herself. Derek knew as soon as Meredith admitted she'd told Yang about his problem, Cristina had taken advantage of the situation and broadcasted it to the whole hospital. It was as if she'd announced it on the P.A. system, in fact, Derek told himself, he wouldn't be surprised if she'd considered doing just that. Then again, he reasoned, she probably got more of a kick out of telling people herself, it was probably the ultimate power kick for her.

Derek tried not to think about Meredith. He tried not to wonder how long she stood in the scrub-room before she realised he'd gone. He told himself that if Meredith had just not said anything, none of this would have happened, and by now he would have talked to her properly, apologised for avoiding her, and they would be all right. But now all that was in ruins. Now Derek could see all too clearly that when it came to it, Meredith needed Cristina more than she needed him. It was one thing, he reasoned, to know that Meredith trusted her friends more than him, if he was honest, he understood that, something inside told him that he even deserved it, but it was something else to see that whatever he did, he could never win. As soon as Meredith had admitted she'd talked to Cristina about his problem, Derek knew what had happened. What he should have seen, he knew now, was that Meredith would immediately stand up for her friend, and he, once again, would be out in the cold. The thought washed over him like icy water. It stilled him for a second. Then, seeing the freezing hand of defeat in front of him, he threw himself into the chair at the desk and pulled some files from a drawer. He needed to work, to _do_ something. Thinking was bad, it didn't help, it didn't change anything.

Derek continued to work for the next couple of hours, forcing himself to concentrate on the notes in front of him, rather than allow himself to think about Meredith or Cristina, or any of the rest of it. However, as much as he tried, he couldn't help thinking about the way Meredith looked when he found her in the scrub-room, how hurt she looked when he spoke to Bailey and referred to her as 'Grey', as if he was talking about just another doctor, rather than the woman he loved. As much as it would be easier right at that moment to tell himself otherwise, he knew that whatever had happened, he still loved Meredith. Somehow he knew instinctively, he always would. But, as he turned over the day in his mind, Derek made himself face the truth. Meredith had chosen her friends over him again. This time she'd turned to Cristina and it had led to him being humiliated all over the hospital. This time, as much as he loved her, as much as he knew he would always love her, it was over. They were done.

It was becoming dark by the time Derek was ready to leave the hospital. He gathered his briefcase together, snapping it shut firmly, and grabbed his jacket. Then, stretching to work out the stiffness of being sat for longer than he was used to, he got up and left his small office space, clicking off the light as he went and pulling the door closed behind himself.

Derek headed straight for the elevators. He thought for a moment about taking the stairs, telling himself that he could easily come across Meredith. He pushed the idea away, dismissing it firmly. He was a grown man, he told himself. He could deal with seeing Meredith for a couple of minutes in an elevator, he'd done it for months when Addison was around. Day in and day out, he seemed to come across Meredith in the confined spaces. He remembered how he used it as a way of just being near her just for a few minutes. They were the one place he could just be with Meredith and breathe her in, without having to feel like he was doing something wrong, until the doors opened and he had to go back to the real world, where he had a wife and responsibilities. But now Addison was gone, and Meredith had proved beyond doubt that she didn't need him. There was nothing special about elevators anymore.

As the doors of the elevator slid open, Derek's eyes were drawn to the person already in there, her head tilted to watch the floor numbers go by. She lowered her eyes and stared intently at her feet when the doors opened and moved over to make room. Derek immediately wished he'd taken the stairs after all. Instead, he moved automatically and found himself alone with Cristina Yang.

Cristina Yang stared down at her feet as the elevator doors opened to reveal Derek Shepherd. She shifted over, making room for him, though it was obvious they were alone. Cristina didn't move until the elevator shuddered back to life on it's way to the ground floor, and even then it was only to stare fixedly at the doors. She could just make out Shepherd in her peripheral vision, he was a blur in the corner of the enclosed space. He neither moved again, or spoke. He just stood, holding his briefcase in one hand, though Cristina could tell just by his stance, he would rather have been anywhere else at that moment than in that elevator with her. He looked ready to get out of there the very second the doors released them from their confinement. He was like a caged animal. All it needed, Cristina thought, was him to start pacing and snarling.

Cristina's mind went back over the day. She knew as soon as she saw Meredith in the locker-room that today was going to be weird, and it was. Then, when Meredith finally said what was wrong, why she'd been going around looking like an Adams Family understudy, everything fell into place. Shepherd couldn't get it up, and he wasn't doing a damned thing about it, and in the process he was ignoring Meredith and scaring the crap out of her. Part of Cristina had wanted to find Shepherd there and then and wake him up to what he was doing. Hadn't he already messed Meredith up enough? In the end Cristina decided she was better off staying out of it. If Meredith had wanted her to do something she would have asked, it was simple. She decided it could wait…for now.

When Cristina left Meredith after their talk in the locker-room, Meredith looked better. Cristina carried on with her day, pushing everything else into the back of her mind. It was lunchtime before she had a chance to see Meredith again, and when she did, she knew she'd missed something. Meredith looked upset. She looked almost ready to cry or hit someone, or probably both. Somehow Cristina wasn't surprised as Meredith blurted out that Izzie had listened in to them in the locker-room that morning, and now it was all over the hospital. Normally anything that knocked McDreamy off his perch would give Cristina pleasure, but this was different. Meredith was upset, almost distraught. Then Meredith said that Derek had accused her of telling people, and called her a liar when she denied it. Then, when Meredith told him that she'd told Cristina, Shepherd had put two and two together and made five. He decided that it was her, Cristina, who had gossiped.

As soon as she heard what Meredith had to say, Cristina felt like laughing. It was obvious to her that Izzie had opened her mouth, it was exactly what she would do. Shepherd was stupid not to see it. Then Cristina saw the mess Meredith was in again and she knew what had happened. Shepherd had decided that she had put his business out into the open, so when Meredith stood up for her, he had taken it personally. Meredith was convinced that Derek had dropped her, and it was Izzie's fault. Cristina would have loved a chance to go and have a few words with Izzie herself, but Meredith wouldn't let her, telling her it was already done. However, she decided now, this might be the best chance she could have to kick McDreamy into touch. She reached out and pushed the emergency stop button. The elevator shuddered to a halt. She turned abruptly, facing Shepherd, who was doing everything in his power not to look at her. He tried to say something before his mouth shut, enclosing them both in silence.

Derek stood in the back of the elevator, leaning against the hand-rail as if he was trying to push himself through the walls. All he wanted to do was get out of there, before he could say or do something that would be completely unprofessional, unethical, or maybe even illegal. Rage coiled up inside him, he felt as if it would take nothing at all for him to explode with it.

For the first time he wondered what it would feel like to hit a woman. The thought made him shudder. In all their arguments, even on the night he found her in bed with his best friend, he had never even considered raising a hand to Addison. As frustrating as she could be sometimes, he knew even now, he would die before he could ever hurt Meredith, at least physically. He might say things, stupid, cruel things, but he could never, ever hit her. Part of him knew even before that terrible night when he stood in paralysed disbelief as Thatcher Grey slapped his daughter right across the face, he could never do that. Somehow he knew instinctively, a man, a _real_ man, never raised his hands to a woman. He might have play-fought with his sisters, especially Nancy, when they were kids, but he had never thought about hitting a woman in anger until now as he stared at Cristina Yang's back. He wanted to go over and grab her, shake her, and knock that cold, distant look out of her eyes. He wanted to smash her, break her, just like she'd broken him. By sheer force of will he made himself stay exactly where he was, knowing that if he did what he wanted there would be repercussions. The Chief would be forced to fire him, and with something like assaulting a Resident on his record, even he, a world renowned surgeon, would struggle to get work again, at least in a hospital. The police would have to be involved for sure, which would wreck his career _and_ his reputation, and Meredith….Meredith would never, ever, forgive him. Never. As much as he could see they were over, he couldn't stand to think of Meredith hating him, even if he'd already done more than enough to make her.

Derek came out of his thoughts when he suddenly realised the elevator wasn't moving anymore. He watched as Yang's hand went back to her side, falling away from the emergency stop button. 'What are you…..?' The question died in the back of his throat as Yang turned and faced him. He struggled with his thoughts, trying not to look at the woman in front of him who seconds before he wanted to hurt. Something inside him deflated. He shut his mouth and waited.

Cristina Yang stared at her boss, watching as his mind caught up with him. She saw everything he felt in his face, anger, resentment, rage, confusion. Everything it was possible to feel was coming out of Shepherd's features. Just for a split second, Cristina faltered. She shouldn't do this, she told herself. Meredith was upset enough, wouldn't interfering make it worse? It wasn't her business, she reasoned, she should stay out of it. Meredith was her friend, and Shepherd was her boss. She should definitely stay out of it. Then she thought. She saw her empty apartment, where she went home alone at the end of each shift, or, whenever she could, she avoided like there was something toxic in the walls, choosing to work all the hours she could rather than go back to that building, where there was nothing but ghosts and unopened wedding gifts. No, she decided. Meredith was her friend.

Looking up into Derek Shepherd's blue eyes, Cristina spoke. 'We need to talk.' Then clamping her mouth shut, she waited.

A/N I am sorry, you seem to have ended up with yet another cliff-hanger. I'm so sorry, and I hope they are not cheesy now. I have a lot to work through in this part of the story and it seems to work better if I break it down bit by bit, rather than having chapters that cover a lot of the story in a long-winded way. I would rather drip-feed you stuff and allow you to take that in, rather than rush through and have it sound false. I just hope it doesn't get boring, but if it does, tell me, and I'll speed up. However, I definitely think there will be real movement in the next chapter.

My thanks to those of you who pointed out that there is no 'h' in Cristina Yang's name. I had a feeling there wasn't and at some point I'll go back and change the earlier chapters. At least the 'e' in Sloan seems to be interchangeable! I think I've left it out, so that is how I'll continue if he comes up again….which he might.

My thanks to you all for all the lovely comments to the previous chapter. Over 130 now! Diane, I'll drop you a line privately. I'll also reply to all reviews asap. More soon, promise.


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N Well now, here I am, as ever, much later than I intended to be. It's been one of those weeks when, try as I might, I just couldn't pin down any real time to write. Isn't weird how that never happens when I have writer's block? Then it's all staring at the monitor wondering what I'm doing, while time sits on me like a weight. Then the block goes and time runs away!**

**My thanks to AriaAdagio for the suggestion of doing my author's note in bold to make it easier to make out from the main text. I can't think why I haven't done that with this story, I think I've done it with others. Anyway, hope it makes it easier to read.**

**Now, thanks as ever for all the kind thoughts on the previous chapter, which was agony to write. This one promises to be easier…and will move the story on for sure. Please, read, review, and enjoy.**

Derek stood and stared at Cristina for ten seconds in total silence while his mind reeled. He swallowed hard, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down like a cork trapped halfway down the neck of a bottle.

Derek really couldn't believe this. He was trapped in an elevator with Cristina Yang, and she wanted to talk? She openly admitted she didn't like him, she merely tolerated him for Meredith's sake, and she wanted to talk? To _him_? The thought knocked him completely off-guard. He was dropped back to earth when Cristina spoke again.

'I spoke to Meredith, she…'

Meredith. The mention of her name sent a jolt through Derek, as if Cristina had run an electrical current through him. It brought him out of his thoughts, reminded him, as if he needed it, what had happened. He was trapped here, in this elevator with Meredith's _person_, the one she talked to, confided in, took comfort from, rather than coming to him. He was here with the woman who had talked about him to the entire hospital, the woman who had finally managed to break him and Meredith. The realisation stirred Derek back to life. He cut across Cristina, interrupting her with a move. He looked towards the emergency stop button, eyed it like it was the bulls-eye on a dart board, and then he went to push past Cristina, but she was faster, she moved over, standing in between him and his destination. She eyed him determinedly.

'Get out of my way.' Derek glared fiercely. His heart began to pound right behind his eyeballs. He knew if he didn't get out soon he would lose control. He went to push forward again, but Cristina stepped back, blocking him again.

'No', Cristina responded, her dark eyes never straying from the man looming over her. She stared at him, watching as anger and frustration made him flush. His eyes shone like beacons. 'We…._I_, need to talk, and you….You need to listen. If you care about Meredith at all, if you've ever cared….'

'Yang!' Derek tried to sound authoritative, knowing Yang, for all her toughness, found it hard to challenge authority figures. If she was with Meredith, or one of the others, she could hold her ground, and probably even lead them all into flagrantly breaking the rules, but she was on her own now. All he had to do was be her boss, which, even though she was a second year now, he still was. Eventually she would back down if he just held his ground. He wasn't going to talk to her about Meredith, not now, not ever.

Cristina took in Derek's tone. It made her want to laugh. There he was, playing at being her boss, trying to get her to give in. Well, she decided, it wasn't going to work, not now. 'I said no Dr. Shepherd…._Derek_.' She called him by his first name deliberately, sending him a clear message. Pulling rank wasn't going to work, not today, not about this.

Derek could see he was losing. He tried once more, forcing himself to stay in control. 'Yang, I'm warning you, if you don't get out of my way right now, I'll….'

That was it. Cristina smirked. Her dark eyes shone with derision. 'You'll do what Derek? You'll yell at _me_ for no reason? You'll call _me_ a liar? You'll walk away from _me_….._again_?' Cristina's eyes blazed furiously. 'Okay, you do that, you go right ahead and do that. I'm not Meredith, I haven't heard all your bullshit before…Not firsthand at least. So Derek, you go right ahead, do whatever it is you have to do. I'll still be here when you're done. I might even offer to help you get your head out of your ass!' She sneered at Derek like he was something she'd stepped on in the street.

Derek's insides flinched when Cristina threw all the things he'd said to Meredith, and how he had behaved, at him. He had called Meredith a liar, he told himself, he had yelled at her, but, in his mind, he still couldn't stop thinking that if Meredith had just kept quiet, there would have been nothing for Cristina to gossip about. They were both equally in the wrong, and, as always, they were standing up for each other and he was being made out as the bad guy. It was always the same, Meredith turned to Cristina, and he was on the outside. Well, he told himself resolutely, not anymore. Cristina had won.

Cristina stood, waiting for Derek to say something, jump to his own defence, or start yelling, or just…anything. Instead, he stood there, looking like he'd made up his mind about something. She couldn't make this out. Shepherd was supposed to be yelling. Seeing that she wasn't going to get any sort of reaction from him, Cristina pushed on. 'I know what you think happened with Meredith and me in the locker room earlier, but you're wrong, I….'

Derek sniggered, shaking his head. 'Oh sure Yang, I get it.' Derek's tone was icy, flat, with just an edge of bitterness. 'I'm completely in the wrong that Meredith talked to you and then you blabbed my private, personal business all over the hospital! I'm totally wrong because once again you and Meredith have backed one another up, sorted your story out, so that neither of you are in the wrong and once again I'm the bad guy! I'm in the wrong because you and Meredith have formed your own little club where no-one else is allowed, not me, not other people, not even Burke, there's just you and Meredith, all the time, pushing other people out, just so that you don't have to give anything to anyone else! No, all you have to do is live by the low expectations you have of one another, well I hope it makes you both really happy!' Derek's voice rose with each word he uttered. By the time he finished he was panting. He knew, even as he finished speaking, he was wrong to drag Burke in to this. It was cruel and completely uncalled for, but, he told himself, Cristina had asked for it. If he was honest, he'd been waiting for months to put Yang in her place and now he had the chance he wasn't going to let it go too easily.

Cristina Yang stood for a second when Derek Shepherd stopped ranting, her mouth open in amazement. She knew Shepherd could yell, she knew enough from Meredith to know that once he got something in his head he refused to see sense. Seeing it for herself shouldn't really come as a shock, but it did. As for bringing up Burke, that was just pathetic. She wasn't even going to justify that with a response. She pushed it away, driving away something inside that told her there might be some truth in what he said. Cristina forced herself to think about Meredith and how she looked earlier in the locker-room, as if any second she expected the world to cave in around her, or as if it already had and she didn't know how to put the pieces back together. Burke was gone, that was over, but Meredith was still here. This could be fixed.

'You know', Cristina began a few seconds later, knowing exactly how she was going to go on. If Shepherd was going to play dirty he'd picked the wrong person. 'You really are a selfish bastard aren't you?'

Derek's face fell. A few moments before, when he was yelling at Yang, he'd been glaring, his eyes wide with rage. Now he stood there, his face dead straight, just as if Cristina had thrown a punch at him, leaving him stunned for just a second. As quickly as it had come, the shock was gone. He recovered himself. '_You_ have the nerve to call me selfish? You have the nerve to stand there calling _me_ selfish? You're the one who has Meredith jumping through hoops all the time. You're the one who expects Meredith to come running every time something goes even the slightest bit wrong in your life. God, you even forced me out of sharing her bed with her when you and Burke were having yet another of your pathetic, meaningless little squabbles, like kids in kindergarten, and you actually have the nerve to stand there calling me, _me_ Yang, selfish?'

Instead of making her back down, Derek's anger gave Cristina something to work with. She went for it. 'I'm not the one who has been ignoring Meredith for days! I'm not the one who won't even try to do something about my problem because I'm a bit embarrassed!' She brushed off Derek as he opened his mouth to argue, tossing his protest away as if it was a gnat. 'I'm not the one who is scaring the crap out of the woman who loves me because I'm too wrapped up in myself to do something about my problem, even if that means she has to go on worrying herself half sick! I'm definitely not the one who walked away when my girlfriend was so scared she actually researched my problem, trying to do anything to help, because she was scared out of her mind that I might be sick, really seriously sick!' Cristina took a breath, gathering her thoughts before she went on, lowering her voice. 'So, Derek, tell me, who's really being selfish here, you or me?'

Derek took in everything Cristina said, something in the pit of his stomach gnawing at him. He knew in part she was right. He'd got up that morning all set to find Meredith and apologise to her for the way he'd been behaving. He could see she was worried about him and had been trying to help. He had behaved badly, irrationally, and he was determined to repair the damage he'd done. Then he got to work and realised that everyone knew about his problem. The thought reminded him of what Cristina had done. 'If anyone's to blame Yang, it's you.'

To Derek's disbelief, Cristina actually sniggered in response. 'Why, because you think Meredith came running to me with your _problem_ and I couldn't wait to broadcast it to the whole hospital? God, I thought Burke was arrogant, but you, you really are a piece of work aren't you?'

Derek was knocked off guard again. This wasn't the reaction he had been expecting. By now Yang was supposed to be apologising for what she'd done, and he was supposed to be making her squirm for it, barring her from his surgeries and generally tormenting the hell out of her. Instead, she'd pulled the rug from under him. He had to take a second to think what to say next, a moment in which Cristina glared viciously at him again. He found his tongue again. 'Well, you did, didn't you? Meredith came to you, and you just had to tell the whole place! Was it fun Yang? Did you enjoy yourself at my expense? I hope so, because let me tell you, you won't….'

Derek was on a roll, his tongue lashing Cristina Yang with every word, until suddenly, she cut him off. 'You think I have nothing better to do all day than talk about you?' Her tone was scornful, she shook her head in disbelief at Derek's audacity. 'You must be more stupid than I thought, or more blind!'

'Yang!' Derek tried, pulling rank again. He had a feeling he was losing again, but couldn't see why. Cristina was at fault, she knew it, and so did he. It was obvious.

'It was Izzie Stevens Derek! It was Izzie who told everyone not me, and definitely not Meredith! It was Izzie!' Cristina burst out with the truth, forcing the words into Derek, ramming them home.

Just for a second Derek remembered how Meredith had insisted that Cristina hadn't gossiped about him. Had she been right, did he have this all wrong? He dismissed the idea in an instant. Cristina hated him, she'd love to drag him down. She was blaming Stevens to cover herself, she had to be. 'You told me before Yang, you're a liar. You said you knew I was a liar because you're one too, so why should I believe you now, why should I believe that you're not lying to cover yourself and dropping Stevens in it just to save your own skin?'

Cristina Yang stepped forward at this. She stood right in Derek Shepherd's way. For someone so small, it was strangely intimidating. Derek was reminded of Miranda Bailey. Cristina locked her gaze with Derek's. 'Because I don't like you Dr. Shepherd, that's why.'

Derek laughed, a curt, bitter thing crawled out of the back of his throat. 'What the hell is that supposed to mean? I'm supposed to believe you didn't tell everyone my business because you don't like me? What the hell…?'

'You really think I care enough about _you_ to tell everyone that you can't get it up? You really think I give _you_ that much thought? I care about Meredith, I care that she's spent over a year being ripped apart by you in one way or another. I care that she thinks you've broken up with her for something that she hasn't even done. I care, Dr. Shepherd, I care that I've had to watch my friend falling apart over you again. I care so much I made Meredith tell me what was wrong, why the hell she was looking like crap again, even though I knew it was to be something to do with you, it always is.'

Derek ignored the last of what Cristina said, his mind latching on to when she admitted she's made Meredith tell her what was wrong. 'So, you made her tell you what was wrong huh? So, it _was_ you who told everyone after all? Oh come on Yang, make up your mind, I'd like to get home some time tonight!' Derek was becoming frustrated. It was late, he was tired. All he wanted to do was go back to the trailer and hide, pretend this awful day hadn't happened.

'I'm telling you, if you care enough to listen!' Cristina was getting really sick of this. Shepherd was being deliberately stupid. 'I made Meredith tell me why she was upset, I dragged it out of her, she never wanted to tell me, she said she'd promised you she wouldn't, that you were embarrassed enough. I made her tell me. She made me promise not to tell anyone because she knew you'd be upset. We didn't realise that Izzie was hanging around the locker room door listening to us. I'd thrown her out when I wanted to find out what was wrong with Meredith, I knew Meredith wouldn't talk to me if Izzie was around, so I told her to get out. She was pissed at me, so she must have eavesdropped on us. The next thing I knew, Meredith was telling me that you'd yelled at her because you thought she'd told everyone. I swear Dr. Shepherd, I swear on Meredith's life, she didn't tell everyone, and neither did I, it was Izzie.'

An instant later, before Derek could say anything else, Cristina hit the emergency stop button again and the elevator shifted downwards. The doors swept open onto the bright lights of the ground floor. Derek didn't even try to stop Cristina when she rushed out ahead of him. He was stunned. For only the second time in his life that he could clearly remember, Derek Shepherd didn't have a clue what to think. The only thing he knew for sure was that somehow, even if he didn't know quite how, he had made an awful mistake.

**A/N Well, okay, some resolution of sorts, but Cristina decided to go on a bit. Can you see her argument, that Derek isn't important enough to her to gossip about? I have to say, I like that bit of Yang logic. Now Derek is doubting himself. He knows he's done wrong. Now all he has to do is fix it, right? The next chapter WILL conclude this part of the story. Please review, even just to tell me I'm waffling too much. More soon.**


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N Once again I'm here much later than I would have liked, most of the basic idea for this chapter has been going around in my head in a fairly solid form since I finished chapter 22, but I've not had time to write it. My life is crazy at the moment. Still, here I am. This one is significant, very significant. My thanks to you all for sticking with me. This appears to be on of those stories that ambles along steadily, with peaks and troughs every now and then, however, it really is moving now, I promise.**

**My thanks as ever for the kind reviews of chapter 22. I really am a review junkie, I admit it. I need those fixes! I would like more reviews really for each chapter, but seeing as this has had more reviews than any other story, I'm really not complaining…much.**

**Anyway, on with the story. Please, read, review, and enjoy. By the way, due to being busy, I'm unlikely to get another chapter up before the weekend. However, this one is super long to make up for it. It is so big I've had to split it in two parts. You get two for the price of one, and I get a review. Fair? I think so. Chapter 23b has also been uploaded. Enjoy.**

While Derek was stuck in the elevator with Cristina Yang, all he really wanted to do was get out and escape back to the trailer, to block out the thought of the day he'd had. Now he was out, and suddenly it was all he could do to move. His head ached dully, his legs felt like lead. Without even really giving any thought to where he was going, Derek found a seat in the hospital's main waiting area in the entrance hall and sat down heavily, dumping his tatty, weathered briefcase down on the nearest empty seat.

All Derek could think about was what Cristina had said to him in the elevator. She had insisted that Izzie Stevens was the one who had humiliated him. Derek didn't know what to think. Part of him thought it was nothing more than a lie, that Yang knew she'd done something wrong, something that he could use to keep her out of the O.R., at least in his surgeries, so she was lying to protect herself. Another part of him said that Stevens was probably capable of gossiping about him, but what he couldn't figure out was why. What had he done to deserve it?

Derek knew he couldn't really say he was close to Stevens, or any of Meredith's friends really, he was almost ten years older than most of them, and at a completely different stage in his career, that and the fact he was effectively the boss of all of them, made any sort of friendship seem weird. What, Derek asked himself, could make Izzie Stevens do something to him that she must have known would cause him embarrassment? He didn't buy for a second that it was just because she'd been thrown out of the locker room. There had to be more to it than that.

A few minutes later, when Derek was beginning to think that he couldn't sit there all night, he had to think about moving soon, he became aware that someone was watching him. He looked up and saw the very woman he'd just been thinking about. She spotted him and walked slowly over, swallowing hard. She dropped her hands deeply into the pockets of her lab-coat, and then she bit her lip, chewing on it nervously, like a jumpy rabbit. Derek debated getting up and walking away, not really wanting to get stuck in another long discussion. Yang's outburst at him in the elevator had been more than enough on top of everything else the day had chosen to dump on him. Something made him stay, the need to hear the truth, or, maybe, he thought, someone had decided that he hadn't been tortured enough yet and it was time for another round.

Izzie Stevens stopped just a couple of steps away from where Derek was sitting. She locked eyes with him, shifting nervously from foot to foot. She dragged her hands out of her pockets before pushing them back in again. Derek glanced down and could make out her knuckles outlined through the starched white cotton. She looked scared half to death.

'Dr. Shepherd?' His name came out of Izzie's mouth as a question. Derek didn't say anything, didn't nod, didn't acknowledge the resident at all. He waited, wondering what she wanted, but half already knowing. She obviously had something to say, something she obviously thought he wouldn't like. Izzie stood, her hands still deeply in her pockets. She half-smiled, a pathetic, weak, watery thing that dribbled across her lips before leaking away.

'Stevens', Derek said after a long, silent moment. It was a statement, a flat thing. Whatever she had to say, he wasn't helping her.

Izzie tried to smile again, but failed, her lips wobbling dangerously. She closed her eyes, swallowed again and steadied herself. 'I think….I have to….I have to tell you something,' she stammered at last, tripping over the words. She swallowed yet again and took her bottom lip into her mouth, nibbling on it for a second.

'Oh?' Derek responded dryly. His heart began to thud. His stomach clenched. He could feel a trickle of sweat running down his back. He wasn't sure whether he wanted to hear what Stevens had to say. Somehow he knew that she would tell him that either she had blabbed his business all over the hospital, and he'd accused Meredith of lying and then backing Christina against him, for no reason, or she would say that both Meredith and Cristina had lied, and he'd been right all along. Right now, at this moment, he didn't know which he wanted to hear.

Izzie Stevens sighed. 'Could we….Would it be all right if we find somewhere more private to talk?' She half-smiled again, as if she was clinging on to some sort of hope.

Just for a second Derek felt like laughing. After the day he'd had the irony of it was perfect. All day people had been divulging his most private business, and now someone was asking him to talk in private? It was perfect, absolutely perfect. 'I'm fine here Stevens, and if you don't mind, I'd like to get this over with, I'd like to go home some time before my next shift starts.'

Izzie Stevens appeared to deflate. 'Oh….I….Okay,' she stammered. She glanced around and, obviously seeing the waiting room was empty, visiting time already being over for at least a couple of hours, she nodded. 'Okay.'

Derek waited in the silence that fell between them again. Then, when Izzie pulled her hands out of her pockets and began to fiddle with the stethoscope around her neck, he decided he couldn't do this anymore. He had to know. 'Out with it Stevens, whatever it is, I don't have all night.'

Izzie Stevens eyes widened. Then, with her mouth slightly upturned in that watery excuse for a smile, she spoke again. 'I did something Dr. Shepherd, something stupid, really stupid, and probably unkind, but I didn't mean to, and now I think Meredith hates me, and you'll probably hate me and make my life hell for the rest of my residency, and Meredith will probably want me to move out, and I…'

'What did you do Stevens?' Derek cut off Izzie's flow. Meredith's rambling was cute. It was one of the things he loved about her, the way she burst out with everything when she was nervous, or angry, but Stevens was going on and on, and most of it sounded like self-pity. He wasn't in the mood to hear how hard done by she was, not tonight.

Izzie Stevens eyes focused on the chair Derek's briefcase was occupying. It looked like she wanted him to move it and ask her to sit down. When he made no move to do any such thing, she seemed to wilt even further. 'I listened in on something I shouldn't have done and then I….I told someone, and that person told someone else, and the next thing I knew, it was all over the hospital. I swear, I didn't mean to do it Dr. Shepherd, I didn't think it would do any harm, not really. I just said it, and then….'

Derek's stomach seemed to drop away from him. So, he had been wrong, completely wrong. He had hurt Meredith for no reason. Again. He felt like he wanted to throw up. He controlled himself, taking a short, sharp breath before he could speak. 'This thing that you told someone about, was it something to do with me, something you heard Meredith and Dr. Yang talking about?'

Izzie halted in her tracks. She looked at Derek quizzically, her eyes wide in disbelief. 'You already knew?' she asked, her voice not much more than a breathless squeak.

Suddenly Derek felt the beginnings of anger stirring inside him. 'The thing I don't get Stevens, is why you did it, why you felt the need to do that to me, what did I ever do to piss you off that much?' He didn't bother confirming that yes, he already knew. There didn't seem to be any point.

Izzie shook her head, her ponytail tossing back and forth. 'I…I didn't….I mean…It wasn't you, it was Cristina, and Meredith…They wanted to talk in private, and I just felt left out again. You know what it's like Dr. Shepherd, they are like some sort of secret society, keeping exclusively to each other. I mean, Meredith talks to Cristina about stuff she doesn't even tell you, and you're her boyfr'….'

'BUT I DON'T GO AROUND LISTENING IN ON PRIVATE CONVERSATIONS AND THEN GOSSIPING ABOUT THEM!' Derek leapt to his feet as he yelled.

Izzie jumped out of her skin as Derek's voice rose and stood back, creating a wider distance between herself and her Attending. It was as if she hadn't expected him to yell now. She'd assumed she was over the worst. As soon as she'd admitted what she'd done, she'd expected Derek to bar her from his surgeries and tell her to get out of his sight. Instead, he'd spoken almost calmly, until she'd mentioned how Meredith and Cristina confided in each other.

Derek told himself he was angry about what Izzie had done. He was furious with her because she had gossiped about him, and because of what that had done to him and Meredith. He told himself he was angry because Stevens was trying to get him onside by pointing out Meredith and Cristina's closeness, something she must know made him feel pushed out. However, inside he knew he was also angry because Stevens had only pointed out the truth, the way Meredith and Cristina fit together in a way that excluded everyone, even him. If Stevens could see it, how many more could, he asked himself.

'I was stupid Dr. Shepherd, and I am sorry, truly, deeply, sorry. I didn't realise what I'd done until Meredith found me in the clinic. She was upset, angry with me, but I think it could have been worse than it was. She was more worried about you. She said she thought you'd never speak to her again, because you thought she'd gone behind your back. She thought you'd think it was like what Dr. Montgomery did to you. I think if she hadn't been thinking about you, she might have been even more angry with me. I think I have been lucky.' Izzie smiled weakly again, nodding, as if to confirm to herself that what she said was true.

Izzie's words crashed into Derek. Meredith had compared herself to Addison? It didn't make sense. Addison had broken her wedding vows and had committed adultery with his best friend. Meredith hadn't done anything wrong except confide in the person she always confided in, he realised, pushing away his anger of just a moment before. Derek remembered how he had yelled at Meredith and assumed she was the one who gossiped about him, and how he'd reached the conclusion they were over. Guilt washed over him in a wave. He'd made Meredith feel bad about something she hadn't even done. She thought he would think she had betrayed him in the worst possible way, and he was the cause. She probably thought he didn't love her anymore and it was entirely his own fault. He had abandoned her because he was embarrassed when all she had tried to do was help him, be there for him in the way he had always wanted her to. Derek felt sick. His stomach tied itself in thick knots of guilt.

'Dr. Shepherd?' Izzie's voice cut across Derek's thoughts. He turned his eyes towards her. 'You will talk to Meredith won't you? I mean, I think she might like you to talk to her…if you want.'

Derek sighed. He nodded, unable to find the energy to say a word. He couldn't help thinking that after what he'd done, it would be amazing if Meredith ever came within a mile of him again, let alone talked to him. He couldn't believe he had doubted her. He couldn't believe he had been so stupid. Derek was vaguely aware of Izzie now, she seemed to have faded into the distance. All he could think of was Meredith. He was surprised when Izzie spoke again.

'When you to talk to her, could you ask her if she does want me to move out, only if she does, I need to start looking for something, probably fast. I mean, if Meredith wants me out it'll be uncomfortable, and….so, if you could just ask her, I'd really…'

'Stevens?' Derek said quietly, stunned by the woman's audacity. She had the nerve to ask a favour of him after what she'd done?

'Yes Dr. Shepherd?' Her reply was immediate, just like she was taking instruction from him in the O.R. or an order during rounds.

'Go away.' Derek's tone was flat, completely devoid of any emotion. All he wanted to do was get rid of the woman.

Izzie's brow furrowed for just a second, then she got the message. She nodded and then escaped, tripping over herself in her hurry.

Derek watched Izzie Stevens go and sighed heavily. Exhaustion clung to him like a blanket. He sat back down and reached out, pulling his briefcase onto his lap, gripping the handle as firmly as his strength allowed. He asked himself how the hell he had got himself into this mess, and how he could get himself out, and would Meredith let him?

Derek didn't know how long he was sat there in the silent waiting room, lost in thought. His mind kept going over what to do about Meredith. Part of him knew he should talk to her, at least try to fix what he'd done. Another part of him said that she probably wouldn't even give him the time of day, he'd let her down too many times already, what with Addison and everything. Maybe he was better off leaving things alone, but the thought of being without her was just…

'Don't you have a home to go to?' Miranda Bailey's familiar sharp tone interrupted Derek's thoughts. He turned his face towards where she was standing, on the exact spot Izzie Stevens had vacated just moments, or what seemed like it, before.

Derek sighed. 'Maybe.' He watched as Bailey shook her head in her usual disparaging way, tutted loudly and then sat down in the empty seat beside him.

'So, are you holding your briefcase that tightly for a reason, or have you decided to exchange Grey for a lump of battered leather?' Miranda frowned as she spoke.

Derek didn't reply, he just loosened his grip on his briefcase, before dropping down to the floor next to his feet. _Exchange Grey_, the words hit him as if Bailey had dumped them on him from a great height. If Meredith would take him back, he wouldn't exchange her for anything, he told himself. But it was too late. She would never take him back now, not after what he'd done.

'What have you done?' Bailey asked, almost as if she had read Derek's thoughts.

Derek sighed, reached up and pushed a tired hand through his hair, which now stood at all angles, and sighed again, even heavier than before. He was exhausted. All he wanted to do was sleep. Still, Bailey didn't move. He had to say something. 'I'm stupid Miranda, really stupid.'

'You don't say', Miranda came back, as quick as a shot.

Derek sighed, for once not even bothering to say anything about Bailey's sarcasm. He just sat in silence, wishing he could curl up and let the world disappear.

'I take it this is about you and Grey and your little yelling match in the scrub-room earlier?' Bailey's tone was still casual, calm, like she'd seen all of this before. Well, Derek told himself, she had been Meredith's resident, she had seen just about all of their history.

'You heard about that?' Derek asked after a long moment. He didn't know what he wanted the answer to be.

Miranda Bailey nodded. 'I was there, remember? I heard most of it from the hallway. I think half the hospital did.'

Derek wanted to curl up and die. If Miranda Bailey knew….

Miranda Bailey turned a little in her seat and looked Derek Shepherd in the eye. 'Look, just for the record, I did hear on the grapevine that you and Grey were having certain problems in certain areas, honestly residents gossiping to nurses, it wouldn't have happened if I was…'

'Look Miranda, I…' Derek cut across Bailey's rambling, not really enjoying the direction this was going in. Still, at least it told him that Stevens had told a nurse, who had then told everyone else. It all made some sort of sense now.

Bailey pulled herself out of her thoughts and shook her head firmly, as if to reprimand herself. 'So, you thought Grey had told everyone?'

Derek nodded, staring shamefacedly towards his feet. Miranda Bailey might be younger than him, but sometimes she reminded him of his mother, the way she would drag the truth out of him when he and Mark had been up to all sorts when they were kids, before it all got so complicated and supposedly grown up. He sighed deeply, pulling his mind away from the past and into the present. 'I don't know what to do Miranda, I just….I called her a liar and blamed her for something she hadn't even done, and now she thinks I don't love her and I just…'

Miranda Bailey shook her head in disbelief. She wondered what would happen if Grey and Shepherd ever sorted their relationship out. She suspected no one would ever get the chance to find out, the shock of Grey and Shepherd having a normal relationship, like normal people, would probably kill everyone they knew. The idea of it seemed ridiculous, and yet, somehow, they were still there. Shepherd was still hopelessly in love with Grey, he couldn't help himself, and if this broke them, it didn't even bear thinking of.

'What am I going to do Miranda?' Derek asked, knowing he sounded pathetic. He was setting himself up for one of Bailey's scornful responses, he knew it. Right then, in that moment, he didn't care. All he could think about was Meredith.

Bailey thought about what to say. Then it came to her. 'Do you remember the day of the ferryboat disaster, when I told you we'd got Grey back?'

Derek flinched, his stomach rolled. His eyes widened. Of course he remembered, the hours of sitting around, waiting for the news he was sure would come, and then the numbness when Bailey told him Meredith was alive. He remembered struggling to take it in, as if he really couldn't believe it was true, and then, when he was alone again, the reality of it hit him and he burst in to tears, fear and relief mixing together, crashing out of him in a tidal wave of feelings that had to escape.

Miranda Bailey went on, not needing a reply, Derek's face said it all. He still remembered, he would never forget, as much as he tried to block it out. 'I asked if you love my intern, and you….'

Derek nodded, the memory of that one moment lightening up the pain inside even thinking about that day provoked. He smiled softly. 'I said I do, I love your intern very, very much.'

'Well then, you tell her that, and you apologise, and you apologise again until she believes you, or accepts just to shut you the hell up.' There was no sign of humour on Bailey's face, she sat looking as stern as ever, the only thing giving her away was a twinkle in her eyes.

'But what if she doesn't believe me, what if she doesn't want to know, I mean, after everything, I don't know….' Derek couldn't help how helpless he sounded. All he could think was that he had probably managed to ruin him and Meredith, and all for no good reason, and it was entirely his own fault.

Miranda Bailey got up and straightened out her lab-coat. 'Look, just talk to her Derek. Just go and talk to her, because if you don't you'll spend the rest of your life asking yourself if you made the wrong choice. You'll look back and ask yourself if you could have fixed things if you'd just been strong enough to try.' With that, Miranda walked away.

Baileys' words struck a chord inside Derek. He made a decision. Picking up his briefcase and allowing it to swing loosely in his hand, he left the hospital and aimed for his car.


	24. Chapter 23 part 2

Even allowing for the quietness of the traffic due to the lateness of the hour, it still took Derek a good half an hour to get to Meredith's house. He drove the familiar route almost automatically, his mind unable to think about anything but what he was about to do. He eventually arrived and parked up, clicking his key-ring, which emitted a high-pitched burbling sound, that echoed through the quiet street. He walked up to Meredith's door, knocked and waited. He was tempted to just walk straight in, on any other occasion it would feel right to do that, but now, after everything that had happened over the last few days, especially that day, he couldn't do it. Suddenly he understood why Meredith knocked on the night she went to eat with him at his trailer, the night they got back together after the disaster of Cristina's wedding, the night his body let him down the first time. You couldn't just walk away from someone and then walk back in and expect things to be like they were before. Life had a way of not working out that easily, especially for them. So, Derek knocked.

It was while Derek waited for Meredith, or anyone, to come to the door that the anxiety kicked back in. When he left the hospital, Bailey's words were still ringing in his ears. He knew he had to try to get Meredith back, because if he didn't…..He couldn't even think about what would happen if he didn't. He was going to get her back, whatever it took. The thought sustained him all the way from the hospital. As his Lexus swept through the Seattle night, all Derek could think was that he was going to get Meredith back. Failure wasn't an option.

Now, as he stood on her doorstep, Derek reminded himself of all the damage he'd done over the last few days. He'd turned right into himself, pushing Meredith away, even if he didn't mean to, because he just couldn't deal with the inadequacy he felt. He had yelled at her when she tried to help him, and walked away. He had been ignoring her for days, as much as he hated himself for it, and then, when it all came out, he had accused Meredith of telling everyone, and when she denied it, he'd called her a liar. He would deserve it, he told himself, if the first thing she did when she opened the door was throw a heavy object at his head, accompanied by all the insults she could think of to call him. He would deserve it if she refused to have anything to do with him.

Derek's breath caught in the back of his throat when he realised the front door was being opened. Then, when the space it left behind widened, Derek peered inside. Meredith. She opened the door completely and stood in the doorway, leaning against the heavy wooden frame for support. Derek's heart turned over in his chest. It was now or never. 'Can I…Can I come in, please?' He drew a heavy breath, filling his lungs completely.

Meredith Grey couldn't believe her eyes. She hadn't seen Derek since earlier in the day in the scrub-room, when he'd yelled at her and called her a liar, and now he was here and wanted to come in? She wanted to tell him no, to tell him exactly what he could go and do with himself, but instead, she moved. Turning around, she walked back into her hallway, knowing he would take that as his cue to follow. She wasn't surprised when she heard his footsteps on her hard wooden floor.

Derek sighed and followed Meredith inside, watching her back as she walked. Just from her stance and the way she walked, Derek could tell she was exhausted. He tried to tell himself that he'd woken her, it was, after all, some ridiculously late hour, and she had an early start in the morning. Inside he knew the truth. This was his fault, he'd seen enough of Meredith, even in passing, over the last few days, to know what he had done. Seeing it up close hurt. He had broken her again. He almost started when the front door shut behind him and Meredith turned on her heel, facing him at last.

Meredith turned to face Derek, gathering all her reserves together. 'What do you want Derek?' she asked, after several silent moments when they stood and stared at each other, each waiting for the other to do or say something. 'Have you come to yell at me again, or ignore anything I might be trying to tell you, or is it that you have another name to call me, what was it this time, let me see', she appeared to think about it for a second, 'oh yes, I remember, have you come to call me a liar again?'

Derek winced. Meredith was angry, it was obvious. Even if the flames burning in her eyes didn't show it, the tone of her voice made it all too clear. Meredith was a simmering pot of fury. He had to say something, anything, to fix this mess. 'I came to apologise Meredith, I was wrong, so completely wrong, and I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry, really.'

Meredith's eyes glinted in the half-light of the hallway. Derek couldn't see if it was the beginning of tears, or of anger. He soon found out. 'You're sorry?' It wasn't even really a question, though it was phrased like one. From anyone else it would almost be a demand. '_You_ are sorry, seriously?'

Derek nodded deeply. It was anger in her eyes, he told himself. Meredith was furious with him, more angry than he'd ever seen her before. 'Yes Meredith, I am. I'm truly, deeply, sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't listen to you earlier, I'm sorry I yelled at you, and I am more sorry than I can say that I called you a liar. Yang spoke to me, well, yelled at me really, and told me what happened, and then Stevens found me and told me what she'd done, and I….'

Derek was interrupted when Meredith took a run at him. A momentary relief washed over him. He thought, just for the tiniest moment, that Meredith was going to run into his arms. He was mistaken. Meredith stopped about a foot away from him. She glared at him so viciously he was amazed for a second that he didn't drop down dead on the spot. 'So, you've checked out what I said to you and now you've worked it all out, finally got it into your stupid, thick head that I was telling you the truth, you come here and just expect me to take you back, as if none of it happened?' Derek tried to respond, but Meredith wouldn't let him. She was on a roll. 'No Derek, it isn't that simple!' She yelled at last, venting some of the anger boiling up inside. 'You should have listened to what I was trying to tell you and you should have believed me, but no, instead of that, you yell at me and then you call me a liar, and then you walk away from me again! So no Derek, this isn't that simple!' Meredith sounded defeated, like it was the end of the world.

Derek listened, his heart racing. This wasn't going well, not at all. Meredith was turning him away. Somehow he knew she would. He had broken her again and she had just had enough. He knew he should give up, leave her alone to go back to bed, she had to be up in just a few more hours, he wasn't being fair. But the thought of what his life would be like without her smashed in to him. He couldn't give up, not yet, not without even really trying. He had to talk to her, make her see what he was feeling. It was the only way. 'I just….I got scared.' He blurted the words out quickly, almost like he couldn't stop in case he chickened out.

Meredith Grey's eyes widened quizzically. 'You what?' she asked, knowing she sounded ridiculous. It was just the shock of what Derek said. She couldn't remember a time when he had ever admitted being scared before. It seemed totally unDerekish.

Derek could see Meredith was surprised, almost stunned. He went on. 'I got scared. I got to the hospital and everyone seemed to know, and I just…All I could think was that you were the only person who knew. I knew everyone would think I was a failure Meredith. I'm a neurosurgeon, one of the best in my field, and all I could think was that my colleagues would only think of me as Dr. McDreamy, the one who could extract half a brain without killing the patient, but couldn't even control his own erections when he has sex with his girlfriend, his young, beautiful girlfriend. Just the thought of people knowing, looking at me and knowing that, it just freaked me out Meredith, and I lashed out, I know I lashed out, and it was stupid of me, really stupid, but I wasn't thinking straight. All I could think was that people had found out, and the only person other than me who could tell anyone was you, and I just….'

Meredith listened to what Derek had to say. When he said she was beautiful she had to force herself not to throw herself at him and forget what he'd done. She couldn't remember him ever saying that to her before, he worshipped her body when they had sex, his every touch and thrust making her feel desirable to him, but he had never said she was beautiful. It was nice, in a girly sort of way that made her knees feel useless. But then Meredith remembered the last few days, when he left her alone again. The girly bubble she had allowed herself to get sucked into drifted away. 'You walked away from me Derek. I was trying to help you in the only way I know how, and you walked away from me. You didn't even try to see what I was trying to do for you, all you could do was patronise me, make wise-cracks and walk away from me. I mean, do you have any idea what that felt like Derek? Do you know at all what it was like for me, to be scared out of my mind for you and have you turn around and walk away like I was nothing, to be avoided as if I'd done something terrible to you? From the way you've treated me over the last few days Derek, you would think I'd committed a crime, or been unfaithful like Addison, and I…'

'Stop comparing yourself to Addison!' Derek listened as Meredith threw all the things he'd made her feel over the last few days at him, since she'd tried to get him to do something about his problem, and he refused. He couldn't miss the accusing tone in her voice. He reeled under the weight of it. She had been scared, actually afraid for him, and he hadn't seen it? Oh, he knew she was hurt by what he'd done, the way he reacted, he knew she was worried, but it had never occurred to him that she might be scared, _really_ scared for him. Cristina had said she was when she cornered him in the elevator, but to hear it from Meredith, that was almost too much for him. Then she'd compared herself to Addison, who had actually been unfaithful. For him there wasn't even a comparison. What Addison did was cruel, even if he gave her enough reason. But Meredith….

Meredith's eyes became wide at Derek's tone. 'Why not, I mean, you told me yourself, you were absent with her? You told me Derek, you threw yourself into your work and Addison was alone, so she slept with Mark, and now, with this, you've treated me as if I've done the same, and I wouldn't Derek, I just wouldn't. But today, everyone found out, and rather than find out what actually happened, rather than listen to anything I had to say, you stood there and yelled at me for something I hadn't even done. You yelled at me and you called me a liar, and then you walked away, even when you promised me you wouldn't. So, tell me, what was I supposed to think?'

A deathly silence fell between the two. They stood in Meredith's darkened hallway, the only light coming from a lamp Meredith must have flicked on as she came to answer the door. They stood, staring at each other, Meredith waiting for Derek to say something, and Derek searching for something, anything, that would fix the damage he had done. He couldn't stand it. It felt like Meredith was slipping away from him. He was trying to reach out for her, but she wouldn't budge, wouldn't give him a hand up out of the hole he'd dug for himself. Then he realised. Meredith was doing to him exactly what he'd done to her over the last few days. She was pulling away from him, because she was hurt and scared. He had to fix it. 'I was coming back.' He said it, just a simple statement, and then he waited.

Meredith's head jerked up in surprise. She looked Derek straight in the eye. 'What?'

Derek sighed heavily. He took a breath, ran a hand through his hair, and then he spoke. 'This morning. I was going to find you and I was going to apologise. I was coming back. I realised I'd done wrong, I'd hurt you by staying away. I knew you were only trying to help me, to make things right again. I was going to talk to you and tell you how this thing, this problem, makes me feel, and I was going to ask you to forgive me and take me back. I'd made up my mind. I had to fix what I'd done because I couldn't stand the thought of not being with you, because I love you so much, and then I got to the hospital and found out that everyone knew. I could see it in their eyes, the amusement at my expense, the smart remarks, the pity, and everything just….'

'Everything changed', Meredith supplied evenly, almost casually.

'Not about you!' Derek responded immediately, the words bursting from him vehemently. 'Never, ever about you. I do love you Meredith, I love you so much it scares me, and I do want you back, I do want to fix what I've done to you. But this, I just…I panicked. Then when you said you'd talked to Cristina, I just…I couldn't see straight. All I could think was that you'd pushed me away again, and I didn't know what to do or think anymore.'

Meredith listened to what Derek had to say, his words beginning to climb over the wall she'd built up for herself since she left the hospital at the end of her shift. When she left Izzie in the clinic, she was still furious. She knew Izzie had got off easy, and it angered her. She knew inside she probably should have thrown Izzie out of her house on her ear and told her to get lost, but something had stopped her. All she could think about was Derek and the fact that he had probably walked away from her for good, and it wasn't even her fault. She knew she had to tell Cristina what had happened, to warn her. She was able to catch up with her at lunch-time. Then caught up with her, keeping her busy until the end of her shift. She didn't see Derek again for the rest of the day. She decided then it might be just as well. He had obviously decided she had betrayed him and she couldn't stand another fight. She went home, knowing that both Izzie and Alex were both doing extra shifts, so she had the place to herself. In the silence of the empty house, Meredith made a decision. If Derek didn't believe a word she said, he could get lost. As much as she loved him, she didn't need someone in her life who didn't care enough to listen to her, especially when he was accusing her of doing something she hadn't done. So, Meredith did what she'd done for years when people let her down. She built a wall for herself, a wall between her and her feelings. But now Derek was here and he was apologising and telling her he loved her, and it was…

'I spoke to Cristina – well, Cristina spoke to me, more sort of yelled at me actually.' Derek broke the silence that had fallen between them again. He could see Meredith was thinking. It gave him hope. Maybe, if he could just hold on a little longer, Meredith would take him back. Maybe.

Meredith didn't reply, she just stood, watching Derek, as he tried to explain himself.

'I tried to argue with her, but she wasn't having it. She told me what I'd done to you when I was staying away from you. She said she made you tell her what was wrong. She said she had to force it out of you because…because you promised me you wouldn't say anything.' Derek swallowed a lump that was forming in the back of his throat. He coughed softly, trying to clear it. He wasn't going to break down, he told himself. He couldn't. He went on speaking, his voice low. He felt exhausted again. 'Cristina said I was a selfish bastard, she basically told me I'd overlooked you because I was embarrassed. She told me what happened in the locker-room with you and Cristina, and Stevens. She told me it was Stevens that had listened in on you.'

'And you believed her?' Meredith asked, wondering what else Cristina had said for Derek to believe her, when he had accused her, Meredith, of lying.

Derek sighed, shaking his head. 'I didn't know what to think. All I knew was that I'd hurt you for no good reason and I'd probably ruined us and I just….Meredith I'm so sorry.' Derek felt the lump in the back of his throat rising again.

That was it for Meredith. Something inside told her that Derek meant what he said. She could tell, just by looking at him, he knew he'd made a mistake and he wanted to fix it. It was enough. With four quick strides she stood right in front of him, then, pushing forward once more, she moved into his arms.

It happened so quickly that it caught Derek by surprise. One minute there was a gulf between him and Meredith he wasn't sure he could ever bridge. The next she was there, in his arms, or rather, she was holding him in hers, her arms tight around his waist, clinging to him as if she didn't want to ever let him go. He was more than happy to oblige her. He slipped his arms around her familiar shape, his hands moving up and down her back in slow, steady strokes, as if to confirm she really was there. She rested her cheek against his chest, his chin moved automatically to rest on the top of her head. The warm scent of her hair wafted to his nose. Lavender. Lavender and Meredith. He closed his eyes and allowed it all to wash over him.

Meredith and Derek held each other for several minutes. Time seemed to stand almost completely still. The only sound that could be heard was the faint ticking of a clock somewhere in the house. Then, easing away slowly, as if she didn't really want to at all, Meredith found her voice. 'So, Cristina told you it was Izzie?'

Derek nodded slowly, wondering why Meredith was still going over this. Hadn't he put it all right? He looked into her eyes and saw the questions still lingering in her grey-blue orbs. He nodded, wanting to remove the doubts he saw still hovering there. 'Yes, and then Stevens told me herself. She looked like she didn't want to, as if she would do anything not to admit to what she'd done, but in the end, she told me. She said you were angry with her, but she said she thought she'd got off lucky. She thought you were more worried about me than concerned with yelling at her. She apologised, told me that she didn't mean any harm, not really, it was just that she didn't think.'

'Izzie never does', Meredith replied dryly.

Derek decided not to comment. It wasn't often Meredith actually criticised one of her friends. Having just been so close to her, he wasn't going to ruin his chances of it happening again by making a smart remark. Instead, he smiled. 'Oh, and she asked me to ask you if you do want her to move out, something about her needing to find somewhere else, what with it being awkward, you know.'

Meredith's mouth fell open in an astonished gape. 'She did what? Seriously? She listened in on a private conversation, all because she thought Cristina and I were cosying up without her, then she went and had a nice little chat with Nurse Debbie who went and told practically the whole hospital, and she asked you to do her a favour? Seriously?' Meredith couldn't believe it. Izzie Stevens really did have a nerve.

Derek stood watching as Meredith rambled. He had to bite his lip in an attempt not to laugh. He loved this. Meredith was up in arms over what Stevens had done, he could tell by her eyes, she really couldn't believe the nerve of it. He loved her so much. He allowed her to ramble on for a while, wrapped up in the feeling of just being near her again. Then he reached out and pulled her back into his arms. She didn't even try to hold back. She leaned in to him naturally, as if she was meant to be there, which, in his opinion, she was.

'After Izzie found me I didn't know what to do', Derek explained, breaking the easy, comfortable silence that had descended again. 'I knew I'd got it all wrong, that I'd blamed you and Cristina, and called you a liar, but I didn't know how to fix it. I didn't think you'd give me a chance to explain, I really thought…'

'I nearly didn't', Meredith cut in, gripping Derek tighter, her arms around his waist again.

Derek shuddered. He'd come so close to losing her. He breathed in the scent of her hair again. She was there. It gave him comfort. 'Bailey found me sitting there, trying to think what to do. She told me I should try, that I should keep trying until you believed me, or you gave in just to shut me up.'

Meredith smiled as she leaned in to Derek. 'I'm just surprised you didn't try the elevator, I thought that was your usual way of fixing things.'

Derek laughed and hugged Meredith tighter. 'I would have done I guess, but after being imprisoned in one with your best friend while she kicked my ass, I think I might have developed a phobia. You might have to help me with that for a while you know, make sure I'm not in an elevator without you to hold my hand, or….' He grinned, enjoying how light he suddenly felt.

'Derek?' Meredith said after a few seconds, time she'd spent trying not to think about all the things they'd done in elevators. Being so close to him wasn't helping. She didn't move. She was comfortable, she told herself.

'Mmmm?' The sound vibrated through his chest, Meredith felt it run through her as she held him.

'Shut up and kiss me.' She took her head off his chest and looked up into his eyes.

'Okay.' Derek replied huskily, before he did just that. He lowered his lips to hers, slowly, holding his breath, waiting for the fireworks that contact would let off. Right on cue, as their lips touched, the sparks were lit. Meredith's hands slid from Derek's waist, up, she caressed the strong muscles of his arms. She gripped his shoulders as firmly as the jacket covering him allowed. Then, she moved upwards again, her arms going around Derek's neck, her fingers teasing his hair.

Derek moaned into the kiss, a throaty sound that rumbled through his whole body. He slanted his lips over Meredith's over and over, tasting her. She tasted minty and fresh. He slid his tongue in to the kiss, letting it collide with Meredith's. They danced together, breathing one another in, as if it would never be enough.

When it was over, before Derek could even get his breath back, Meredith grabbed his hand in her own. He didn't even think to ask what she was doing. He followed her up the stairs.

Later Meredith and Derek lay together, naked, in her bed. Derek lay on his back, the sheet hovered over him, settling around his waist. Meredith lay on her side, watching him, waiting for what happened next.

It had all been so good, Meredith mused, studying Derek's face for any sort of clue. They were together and happy. They'd talked, really talked something through, and it felt good. Then they came to bed. They kissed and touched, taking off clothes as they went, letting them land wherever they fell. The clothes ended up all over the place, on the floor, under the bed, Meredith was sure her bra was probably residing on top of the wardrobe now, sitting amongst the years of dust up there. She'd have to ask Derek to get it down for her later….Maybe.

They ended up on top of one another in the bed, the hinges creaking ominously at the weight. Then it began, the dance both of them knew so well. They moved together, both of them wanting it so much they could hardly contain themselves. Then it all stopped again. Meredith waited for Derek to say something. He lay over her, his head resting on her breast, until he suddenly seemed to remember he might be heavy. He turned onto his back, which was where he was now, lying still, his eyes glowing with disappointment and shame. Meredith waited. She had a feeling she knew where this would end up. Still, she waited.

He had wanted her so badly. Derek lay there, in Meredith's bed, wishing he could go back in time about ten minutes. He had been with her, right there. She was making all those delicious sounds she made when he touched her just right, drawing his own low sounds of desire from him. He was touching her, enjoying the sensation she caused in him, the heat flowing through his whole body. He was on fire for her, and he was ready, so ready. Then it all fell away. He was left, stuck somewhere, while the blood rushed through his veins, waves of heat ran through him, licked at him like the sharp cords of a whip. He was stuck in an abyss of unfulfilled desire and need. It was like being starved for days and having food placed in front of you just for a few short minutes, before it was taken away again.

'I can't do this anymore.' Derek spoke at last. He knew instinctively that enough was enough.

Meredith heard Derek's voice. She turned onto her back and stared at the ceiling. She couldn't look at him while he did this. She wasn't going to watch him leave, not again.

Derek sensed that Meredith had moved. He sighed, going on. 'This is just ridiculous. I mean, I've never had a problem before, not with this, and now….Well, I've had enough. I wanted to, really, and I was ready, you know I was, but I still couldn't. Well, that's it. I'm not doing it anymore, I'm sick of it.'

Meredith felt her heart begin to race. This was it, she told herself. Derek was giving up. He was blaming her for the problem and he was walking away. They were over. She didn't take her eyes off the ceiling.

'I'll start looking for a Urologist in the morning.' Derek waited for Meredith to say something, realising how quiet she suddenly was. He turned onto his side. 'Meredith?' He said her name softly. He watched as she stared at the ceiling. He lifted his head off his pillow and looked at her, waiting for any sort of reaction. 'Meredith?' He tried again.

Meredith lay on her back, aware somewhere in the back of her mind that Derek was still talking. Something suddenly jolted her out of her thoughts. He was hovering over her, his eyes shining with worry. 'What…What did you say?' she asked, knowing she hadn't really heard a word he'd said after he said he wasn't doing it anymore.

Derek frowned, knowing Meredith hadn't heard a word he'd said. 'I said I'll start looking for a Urologist in the morning. I mean, this is crazy, I was right there, ready for it, more than ready, and still, I couldn't do it. I'm still young aren't I, 40 isn't that old? I should be able to do this, it's not as if I'm…..'

But Meredith didn't even give Derek a chance to say what it wasn't as if he was, or wasn't. She turned to face him and grasped him in her arms, kissing him deeply. When she eventually released him, she had to catch her breath before she could speak. 'Seriously? You're seriously going to see someone about…about…?'

Derek smiled, licking his lips. Meredith had caught him off-guard, throwing herself at him for the second time that night. He enjoyed it. He also enjoyed the look of amazement in her eyes. 'Yes, I'm going to see someone. I've had enough of this. Celibacy doesn't suit me, especially when I'm in bed with my gorgeous girlfriend and I still can't….'

'You said I was beautiful earlier, and now I'm just gorgeous?'

Derek eyed Meredith quizzically. Where the hell did that come from? He thought it best not to ask. He smiled again. 'Well, you are, you're beautiful, and gorgeous, and stunning, and….'

'And you really are going to see someone, a Urologist? Seriously?' Meredith cut across Derek, ignoring his attempts to suck up. She frowned.

Derek could see how worried Meredith was. He could see how important this was to her just by looking into her eyes. He reached out and took one of her hands in his. He turned it and pressed a kiss to her knuckles. He felt her shiver in response. It was enough. For now. 'Yes Meredith, I'm going to see someone, seriously. I want this thing sorted out, I've had enough of it. I miss you too much.'

Meredith looked back into Derek's eyes as he lay, her hand still clasped in his. Their eyes locked. It was enough.

**A/N There now, Meredith and Derek are fixing things at last. They are happy. About time too, I hear you cry. More from me soon, if you review.**


	25. Chapter 24

**A/N I have to apologise yet again for a long gap. I didn't mean it to happen really. I think everything I've written so far was sort of building towards the previous chapter. That one was long, and such an emotional rollercoaster, it was hard for me to think about where to go next, even though I knew logically what I had to do. It wasn't so much writer's block as writer's fatigue, which may not really exist but never mind. Anyway, I've sorted myself out now and, more importantly, made some time to write. Why does my life implode when I have a story on the go? Who made that rule?**

**As ever, read, review, but most of all, enjoy.**

They sat in the car in silence, the only sounds coming from the engine as it purred its way towards the hospital, and Derek's hands as they gripped the steering wheel tighter with each passing mile. As the journey neared its end, it was as if he was trying to squeeze the life out of the black leather in his hands, as if he was avenging himself for a mortal sin the wheel had committed against him. It fought back, squealed in protest every time his fists tightened around it again, determined to steer him to his doom, or at least, that's how it felt.

It had all seemed so easy, Derek mused, as the Lexus swept through the streets, still only half awake at the beginning of a new day. It would be at least another couple of hours before the traffic built up in the city, and by then he would be in the hospital, in a consult with a urologist, not on a professional basis, it wasn't often that neurosurgeons had anything to do with urologists, but as a patient. The thought of it made him feel nauseous, which drove him back to his original thought. When he'd been in Meredith's bed, crushed by shame that he had failed again, it had been easy. He had made up his mind. He wasn't doing this anymore. It had to stop. He was going to face up to whatever was wrong, and he was going to deal with it. But now, in the cold light of day, it was different. The thought of what this day would bring consumed him. Derek gave the steering wheel another punishing squeeze.

Meredith stared out of the window, watching the early morning streets pass by in a haze of watery sunlight. As much as Meredith hated the early starts that came with residency, she loved this time of day. There was hardly any traffic ahead, just the odd car driven by people who obviously worked equally stupid hours as hospital residents, or maybe they had a weird habit of getting out of warm, comfortable beds at God-forsaken hours just to enjoy an early morning drive. No, Meredith mused, pushing that thought away, they had to be going to work. No one got out of bed at this hour of the morning unless they had a good reason, like being a resident in the best teaching hospital in the country, or, Meredith half smiled at the thought, you were an Attending at the aforementioned teaching hospital and you were getting up early to take your girlfriend to work, even if that meant you were at work a good couple of hours before you really needed to be. Meredith allowed the thought to wash over her just for a second. She basked in it, trying not to think about the other reason Derek was going in to work with her, rather than going in later, something he usually did only when he had an early surgery. Today he had no surgeries. Today Derek had an appointment with a urologist. By the end of the day they would have some idea of what could be wrong with him. It wasn't just any ordinary day. It was the moment of truth.

It had seemed all right at first, Meredith remembered. When Derek lay in her bed and said he was going to find a urologist the relief had been unbelievable. It was only later when reality sank in that Meredith began to wonder if he would go back on his word. She told herself that maybe it was a heat of the moment thing. Maybe, once they really got back to normal, after Derek got over the fact that everyone at Seattle Grace knew about him, thanks to Nurse Debbie and Izzie Stevens, he would forget that he'd said he missed her too much not to do something about it.

When she woke up in Derek's arms, the morning after he'd shown up at her house and apologised for ignoring her for days and for calling her a liar when she swore she hadn't told everyone about his problem, Meredith lay watching Derek sleep and wondered if the first thing he would say when he woke up was that he had changed his mind and he wasn't seeing a urologist after all. Instead, when Derek opened his eyes he stared at Meredith sleepily, ran his fingers through her hair and kissed her softly, before he got up and headed for the bathroom. It was as if everything was fine, and not Meredith fine, in a pretending to be fine sort of way, but _really_ fine, in a bright and shiny way. It made Meredith nervous. She didn't do bright and shiny. She'd done bright and shiny before and everything turned to crap. She waited, knowing that sooner or later the other shoe would drop.

The other shoe didn't drop. Instead, Derek seemed to throw himself into finding a urologist with all the enthusiasm he had for approaching difficult surgeries. One evening Meredith arrived home from the hospital after an exhausting shift and found Derek sat on her bed, his legs stretched out in front of him supporting his laptop. He looked up from the screen when he realised he wasn't alone.

'Do you know how difficult it is to find a urologist who has studied imp….my problem in any detail?' He greeted her, smiling broadly, reaching out to kiss her as she sat down on the bed beside him.

Meredith frowned. Maybe this was it. Maybe now he would say he'd looked, couldn't find a good urologist, and he wasn't going to bother. She didn't voice the thought. She leaned in to him as if she was trying to stave off the moment when he crushed the little bit of hope stored deep down inside her. She told herself she was being stupid. He seemed serious about finding a urologist, why would go back on his word now? She ignored a little voice in her head that insisted on reminding her that Derek had let her down before, there was nothing stopping him doing it again.

'Meredith?' Derek's voice dragged her out of her thoughts. She felt the arm that wasn't supporting the laptop slide around her and pull her closer. He inhaled the lavender scent of her hair.

'What?' she responded distractedly, before she blinked and realised what he'd said. 'I thought they all knew about it?'

Derek eyed Meredith warily. She could tell he couldn't work out where she'd mentally drifted off to, or how she'd come back so fast. She hoped he would just think she was tired. She yawned softly just to prove the point. Derek responded by pushing the laptop away and moving down the bed, taking Meredith with him. As if on instinct, she turned and spooned against him. She felt his warm breath on the back of her neck. It was comfortable. She felt safe. He sighed against her. 'I thought they all knew about it too,' he replied, not questioning Meredith's sudden tiredness. 'But according to my research, only ten percent of all urologists in the country have studied it in any depth. I don't get it.'

'Are you going to go on looking for one?' Meredith blurted out the question before she could stop herself. _Crap_, she lay perfectly still, frozen in time. She cursed her mouth and its ability to run away with itself when she was worried. The next thing she knew, she was being turned and Derek was looking down on her. A small frown creased his forehead, the fleshy skin around his deep blue eyes crinkled.

'Of course I'm still going to look for one, it might just take a little longer than I would have liked. Did you really think I wouldn't?'

Meredith looked into Derek's eyes. She could tell she'd hurt his feelings. _Stupid Meredith, really stupid_ she berated herself. 'I just…I don't know,' she spilled the words out, knowing they didn't really say anything.

Derek sighed deeply and ran his fingers through Meredith's hair. He fixed her with a determined gaze. He could tell. She really did think he was going to back down on what he'd promised, just like he had before. He had failed her and now she didn't trust him, it was obvious, and all his own fault. He sighed again. 'I meant it', he held Meredith's gaze with his own, seeing the worry reflected back at him in the blue grey irises. 'I told you, I can't leave things like this. I can't go on wanting you like this, missing you like this, and not do anything about it, not if it's something that can be sorted out. I meant it.'

Meredith allowed Derek's words to sink in. He hadn't given up. He wanted her and he missed her. He was trying to fix it. 'Okay.' Meredith whispered, the breath knocked out of her by the intensity of Derek's words, and his eyes, as they seemed to bore straight through her.

'Okay' Derek replied, before settling back down on the pillows, his nose resting in Meredith's hair.

So Meredith waited. She resigned herself to it taking a while. If only ten percent of all the urologists in the country knew much about the problem, finding one wasn't going to be easy. At least Derek was trying. It was a start.

A couple of days later Meredith was walking down a hallway at work. She was between patients. She'd just left one and all she had to do was go and do a post-op check on another and she could go to lunch. She wasn't thinking about where she was going when suddenly a hand appeared out of nowhere and pulled her into an on-call room. 'What the….!' She didn't have time to yell anymore before the rest of the person the hand belonged to came into view.

'I've found a urologist' Derek smiled, his mouth stretched into an exaggerated beam. His eyes were shining in the dim light of the room. He clicked the door locked behind Meredith.

'You what?' Meredith caught her breath and brushed herself off. 'You scared the crap out of me, dragging me in here like that, I thought you were some sort of crazed whatever, and you stand there grinning at me like the Cheshire cat with ADHD, what the hell were you doing?'

Derek grinned wider, realising that Meredith wasn't listening to him. 'I. have. found. a. urologist.' He enunciated each word clearly, slowly, as if he was speaking to a small child.

Meredith's eyes widened. Her heart turned over in her chest. 'You….you…what?' she stammered, the wind falling out of her lungs.

'I have found a…'

'I heard what you said!' Meredith yelled, coming back to herself. She reached out and punched Derek on the arm, as if to prove the point.

'Ow!' Derek rubbed the molested limb defensively, the grin slipping off his face, though his eyes shone with suppressed laughter. 'Okay, so what was that for? I tell you I've found a urologist and you hit me? I have to say, that wasn't quite what I had in mind. I thought I'd get a kiss, or maybe a hug, or…'

'So, you found a urologist?' Meredith asked, ignoring Derek completely. 'When? Where?'

The grin on Derek's face put in another appearance. 'Just now, and you'll never guess where.'

Meredith rolled her eyes. 'Derek we're not five year olds, just tell me where!'

'Here.' Derek's grin widened further.

Meredith did a double-take. Derek laughed softly before stifling it, pretending it was a cough when Meredith glared at him. 'Here?' The word came out breathlessly. 'You mean here in Seattle, or _here_ in Seattle Grace?' She stared up at him, trying to hold back the ray of light that seemed to want to overtake her. She couldn't get excited, not yet. It seemed too easy. Derek had found a urologist who specialised in erectile dysfunction already, when so few of them actually existed? It seemed too good to be true.

'I mean here, in Seattle Grace. I took a leaf out of your book and made a little visit to urology.' For just a brief moment the humour died on Derek's face. Meredith knew he was thinking about how angry he was when she went and got some information for him. He threw it back at her and walked away. Suddenly it didn't matter anymore. She waved a hand dismissively, telling him to go on.

'I spoke to the head of department, a Dr. Matherson. I told him what I was looking for and he said he could help. He's done studies on it for years. He said that what he doesn't know about it isn't worth knowing, so…'

'So, what happens now?' Meredith asked. Her head was reeling. This was too much. Within a matter of days everything had completely changed. A few days before everything had seemed to be ruined. Now Derek had found a urologist, and in the hospital they both worked in too. It seemed unreal.

'I have an appointment with him for a couple of days time. I've been able to organise it early, so that I can just go without having to sit around with his other patients. He agreed with me that as I'm a busy surgeon…..' Derek let the rest of his reply hang in the air. He knew that what he was really saying was that Matherson understood that he wanted to see him early so that he could see him in private, away from the prying eyes and ears that could be around later in the day. Derek was grateful.

Meredith suddenly had a thought. 'Did he know about…. ?'

Derek shrugged. He hadn't come out and asked Matherson whether he knew about him from the hospital gossip or not. Somehow he knew he didn't need to. 'I don't know, he didn't seem to be the type to worry about hospital gossip, so maybe not, or maybe he did and he was being discreet. Either way, I don't care. Not anymore.'

Meredith sighed. 'And you don't mind seeing him here, wouldn't you rather see someone at Mercy West or…' She didn't want Derek to feel that he had to do this just to prove that he could keep a promise. She wanted him to be sure he was doing the right thing.

Derek shook his head firmly. 'No, I've done some checking and Matherson is good, _really_ good, so I don't care. Just promise me one thing?' He smiled brightly.

'What?' Meredith smiled back, not seeing where this was going.

Derek laughed softly. 'Don't let Stevens or Nurse Debbie anywhere near the door when I'm in Matherson's office. If either of them find out what the exam I have to have involves, the whole hospital will here about it, then the next thing you know will be that according to the rumour-mill I've just admitted to you that I'm gay and Matherson and I are having a steamy affair. I can handle people knowing all my business, but doubting my sexuality….' He leered at Meredith suggestively as he spoke.

Meredith giggled. 'So, it's you, me and Matherson huh?'

Derek laughed out loud. 'Now _that_ is just kinky Dr. Grey.' He leered again, edging closer to Meredith and lowered his head so his lips were inches from hers.

Meredith giggled again, watching Derek's lips coming closer. 'You accuse me of being kinky, who's the one playing doctors here, you or me, _Dr. Shepherd_?' Meredith countered Derek, matching him word for word, throwing the use of her title back at him provocatively.

'I'll tell you what, when Matherson gets things back to normal, if you're a good girl I'll let you play with my stethoscope.' Now Derek's lips were hovering over Meredith's.

'Pervert,' Meredith just managed to mumble out, before Derek placed his lips on hers.

'And you love me for it,' Derek responded when he took a breath.

'I wouldn't dream of contradicting you Dr. Shepherd, I mean, you are my Attending, it would be rude to…'

Whatever else Meredith was going to say was lost. Derek had found other uses for her lips.

**A/N Well, what can I say. This chapter was supposed to be serious and solemn. I was supposed to get Derek in to see the urologist and move on from there a little. I didn't plan on Derek deciding that he wanted some fun. Well, who am I to argue. The next chapter will be picking up where this one leaves off, so I might do it as another two-parter. We shall see. It WILL be up before the beginning of next week, even if I have to die in the attempt. The next chapter probably won't be as light for the most part, so I didn't think some light relief for now was a bad idea. Please, read and review. More soon.**


	26. Chapter 24 part 2

**A/N Just a quick note really, obviously to make the point that in the end I decided to go for this as the second part of the previous chapter. At the risk of bragging, I'm pleased with how this turned out and it seemed to come to some sort of natural conclusion that will be easy to pick up from in the next brand new chapter, which will definitely be up this week, hopefully by midweek. That is definitely the plan.**

**I didn't get many reviews for the previous chapter which I admit to being disappointed by. I know it came out after a great long gap, and I know it wasn't the best chapter I've ever written, but then, it's hard to tell that when you don't get feedback. With this part I've used a slightly different approach, using Meredith in a sense to get some idea of what is going on, not only for her, but in Derek's mind. It gave this part a really up-close feel which I think worked out okay. However, I won't know for sure until you review, so, as much as I'd love you to read and enjoy, I'd also much appreciate a review.**

Meredith's mind slipped back to the present, back to the reality of what this day could mean. Suddenly it was as if all the brief moments of happiness and certainty she had gone through with Derek over the last few days had disappeared. Now all that was left was silence and awkwardness, and a stupid inability to know what to say, which, Meredith thought, was ridiculous, considering she was a doctor. She _should_ know what to say. If this was anyone else she would be able to find the words to give some hope and comfort, or at least to present an image of being confident that everything wasn't about to blow up in his face. The problem was that it _wasn't_ someone else, it was Derek, and that made it awkward and weird, and about a million different other things that were all bad. Mostly though, the fact that it was Derek and not someone else who could find out today, or at least some time soon, that he had some horrible illness that was preventing him having sex, was just terrifying. It was the sort of day for hiding under the bedclothes pretending to be sick just so you don't have to go to class with the scary Chemistry teacher with the sweaty hands, bad breath and dirty beard. The thing was, in Meredith's memory, that didn't work out either. Her mother would see through her and make her go to school, telling her that if she was ever going to amount to anything her education was important, and besides, she was a busy surgeon, she didn't have time to stay at home and Nursemaid a sick fifteen year old, so she'd be best off at school. At least then, if she was really sick, she would have plenty of people around to check on her.

Meredith was so caught up in her mental rambling that she didn't realise that the car was no longer moving and the engine was off. It was only when she saw Derek undoing his seatbelt that she knew. They were at the hospital. Meredith looked out through the windscreen, watching as people arrived, mostly doctors and nurses at this time of the morning, most of them clutching cups of coffee in nasty plastic cups with the stupid plastic lids on that if you dared to try to remove, rewarded your attempt by showering you in scorching hot liquid.

'We're here.' Derek's voice cut across Meredith's thoughts, almost making her jump. He hadn't spoken for so long that she'd almost forgotten he was there beside her…_almost_. In fact, he hadn't spoken much at all since that morning when he nudged her to switch the alarm off when it buzzed into life at five-thirty. Then all he'd done was reach out to her, kiss her gently on the lips, breathe in the scent of her hair, which he did for several long moments, inhaling deeply, before he muttered a sleepy sounding 'morning,' looked into her eyes for another long moment, before he turned and got out of bed, his usual perky, upbeat walk, even at this hour, replaced by something that was heavy and lumbering in a way that didn't appear to be anything to do with tiredness. Meredith made a mental note to ask if he'd had a Chemistry teacher with sweaty hands, bad breath and a dirty beard. Somehow she thought not. His was probably an English teacher, someone who made him rewrite essays a million times until he could do it legibly. His handwriting still sucked, but then, she noted, it was supposed to, he was a doctor. It was a sort of rule.

'Meredith?' Derek spoke again. It didn't sound like him. He normally said her name like something soft, a whisper, or an easy breath. It was only in the throes that her name on his lips became more urgent, an agonised, rapturous, bliss-filled thing that made her do whatever she was doing all over again, just so she could hear her name like that. Now it was something else, something that seemed to be stuck in the back of his throat, getting tighter and tighter until it came out in a desperate sort of gasp, a bit like being under water and then reaching the surface just for a second and calling for help. Sighing, Meredith undid her seatbelt. She turned in her seat and looked at Derek's face for the first time since they'd got into the car. She studied his profile as he sat, his eyes focusing through the windscreen, looking at the hospital almost like he'd never seen it before. She watched his jaw as it clenched firmly, she heard his teeth grinding together, before he opened his mouth a little, only to close it almost immediately. Then the tip of his tongue crept through his lips, licking them both, before diving back into his mouth again, as if it was taking cover from an ambush.

Derek went on staring at the hospital, watching it as if he was waiting for something, _anything_, to happen. His shoulders slumped dramatically when he heaved a sigh that caught in the back of his throat. Meredith flinched. She thought for a second that he was going to cry. She wanted to reach out to him, take his hand, or pull him into her arms, but, just as she went to move, Derek pulled his eyes off the building in front of them and faced her. He sighed softly again, then, as if it was a conscious effort, he smiled. It didn't quite reach his eyes. Instead, it pulled at the corners of his mouth, he looked a little like one of those creepy puppets that ventriloquists scared the life out of little kids with, or a prop from a horror movie, a dummy that would somehow come to life and massacre screaming girls.

'We should get out of the car', Derek said, after several long, silent moments when he sat and smiled at Meredith, and she tried to force the image of him, strings pulling his arms and legs, and his mouth fixed in a carved-out manic grin with bright red lips, running amok through the hospital brandishing a ten-blade, his ferryboats scrub cap and surgical loupe attached to his head by a set of six inch nails.

Meredith blinked, forcing herself to focus. 'We should', she agreed, sounding less certain than she knew she ought to have done. She looked Derek in the eyes, as if the act would give her the strength to do something. His stared back at her, the deep, dark blue pools saying things, asking for things, she knew his mouth never would. _I don't want to be here_. _I don't want to do this_. _Help me_. All of it spilled over in his gaze, bubbling up and up and up, but never quite reaching the surface, never quite able to voice itself. 'We should…We should get out of the car.' Meredith repeated Derek's words of a second before, as if her mind had just grasped what he meant.

Suddenly Derek's eyes sparkled, and a genuine warmth rushed over his features. He smiled again, but it wasn't the same as before, a maniacal, false, fixed thing. This time it was genuine amusement. Meredith frowned, wondering what could be funny. There was nothing funny about two health professionals, one of them one of the foremost surgeons in the country, sitting in a car outside a hospital because neither of them could get it together enough to get out and go and do what they had to do.

'Maybe we should just do it, rip off the band-aid fast, just get it over with?' Derek grinned, shaking his head.

Meredith nodded. 'We should, definitely. Rip off the band-aid.' She nodded again just to confirm the point. A small smile, something that she hoped looked confident and determined, crept over her face. They'd decided. They were getting out of the car. Definitely. Right now. She braced herself.

Neither Derek or Meredith moved. Derek grinned again. 'Would you like to go first?'

Meredith giggled in spite of herself. This was stupid. 'No, you?'

Derek shook his head, a bubble of laughter burst out of his mouth. 'How about we do it together, on three?'

Meredith smiled and nodded again. 'Okay.' She sighed, pulling herself together. This was it.

Derek's shoulders heaved. 'Okay, on the count of three. One….Two….Two and a quarter….'

'Derek!' Meredith yelled, her hand reaching for the lock on her side of the car.

Derek frowned. 'Sorry.' He shook his head. 'Two.'

Meredith gripped the lock on her door so hard her fingers hurt. She dragged her eyes away from Derek's face, forced herself to concentrate on the hospital again.

'Three.'

Both of them shoved the car doors open, pushing seatbelts away from a tangle of arms and legs. They scrambled out into the air, slamming the doors behind themselves, as if a monster was three steps behind them and they had only just managed to outrun it. They both stood upright, turning to face each other over the bonnet of the black Lexus.

Meredith glanced down at her watch. She needed to go. Her heart began to pound in her chest. This was it. 'What time is your appointment with Dr. Matherson?' She asked the question casually, as if it was an everyday thing.

Derek's face fell. 'He said he would meet me at 8am, but he said that if I was ready before I could go and find him and we could get it over with.'

Meredith glanced at her watch again. 7am. 'Are you going to….?' She didn't finish.

Derek shook his head. 'I thought I could get some paperwork done for a while, you know, pass the time before….'

Meredith nodded, understanding. This was difficult. Derek needed a moment, just to think. 'Will you…will you come find me, or page me when you're done, I mean, I just….'

Just for a fraction of a second a brilliant smile crossed Derek Shepherd's features. 'I'll page you. The second I'm done. I'll page.'

Meredith nodded. 'Okay.' She breathed the word, making it sound hesitant and wary, which was completely appropriate, she thought.

'Shouldn't you be getting to rounds or something?' Derek smiled again as he spoke, turning his eyes towards the entrance to the hospital. 'I mean, as fun as this is, talking to you in the parking lot, I don't want Bailey giving you hell because of me.'

Meredith glanced at her watch again. _Crap_. 'I should…I should go.'

Derek nodded. 'Go on then, I'll page you, the second I'm done. Go on.'

Meredith took a couple of small steps. Then something stopped her. She turned on her heel. Derek stood watching her go, his face clouded over by something Meredith couldn't read. When Meredith stopped he eyed her warily raising his eyebrows. 'Derek I….' She couldn't finish. Her mouth clamped shut as a lump wedged itself in the back of her throat.

Derek blinked rapidly for several seconds before he sighed heavily and gifted Meredith with a steady smile. 'I know.' Then he held her gaze for a second before she decided that if she didn't want to get yelled at, something she didn't need right now, she really needed to go. Turning again, she walked away from Derek, not daring, even for a second, to look back.

**A/N The next chapter will be the all important appointment for Derek. Soon, I promise.**


	27. Chapter 25

**A/N Oh dear, I really did intend to get this done ages ago. As those of you who read my Author's Note will know, I've been struggling with laryngitis for a while now (over 2 weeks to be exact) and it has knocked the stuffing out of me. I'm still voiceless, which is difficult, and frustrating beyond belief. I'm told that laryngitis can last up to three weeks, so hopefully it won't be long before I'm feeling better. On top of that, I was struggling with Writer's Fatigue. It wasn't a block, I knew what I wanted to write, I just couldn't find the inclination to write it. Thinking back, it was probably the onset of the aforementioned laryngitis. What with Christmas and new year (hope everyone enjoyed both) things have gone off the boil somewhat. I am trying, and would really appreciate reviews as an added incentive.**

**I suppose there are good points to me writing this and taking so long to update. First and foremost, there is no Rose in my story. We are Roseless, officially. I toyed with introducing her early on, but the story doesn't need her. I'm not sure the show does either but Shonda must have a plan, mustn't she??? I'm not going to comment on the show except to say that the mess Meredith and Derek are in is a joint effort. It is to be hoped that getting them back together will be likewise.**

**Anyway, enough chatter, on with the story. Please, read, enjoy and review.**

After Meredith left him to go in to work, Derek stood in the parking lot for five more minutes. Suddenly he had some idea of what Death Row must feel like, the endless waiting for the day when the end would come. Derek forced the thought away. He wasn't being sent to the electric chair, or to a lethal injection; he was just seeing a doctor about a medical problem. It was simple. The thing was, at least prisoners knew on Death Row why they were being executed. They'd committed murders and other heinous crimes for which they were paying with their lives. As Derek stood, trying to force himself to go inside the building, he couldn't even work out what he was doing there. He was a surgeon, he was supposed to be the one in control. He was never supposed to go into the building as a patient. It seemed wrong, completely out of place.

Derek thought of Meredith. He knew she was trying to be supportive in her own Meredith-like way, it was just that she didn't know how to deal with this. She didn't know what to do or say, so she said nothing, which, strange as it seemed, was exactly the right thing, there was nothing she, or anyone else, could say that would make this day any easier. Derek couldn't help thinking that it wouldn't have surprised him at all if Meredith had jumped out of the car and into work the minute he pulled up. Instead, she stayed, her eyes telling him better than any words that she was worried. Then, knowing that she was already running late, she went inside. Derek stood and watched her walk away, knowing that for once, she was torn between wanting to be with him and having to work. He allowed the rush of warmth that washed over him when she asked him to page her when he was done with Matherson to pass through him again. Meredith was trying to help, she'd been trying to help right from the start, even when he turned away from her because he was scared. The thought gave him strength. If Meredith was trying, the least he could do was keep to his promise of seeing Matherson and fixing the problem. Taking a deep breath, and grabbing his briefcase out of the back of the car, Derek Shepherd went inside Seattle Grace.

Half an hour later, Derek knocked on Dr. Matherson's office door. He knew he was early for his appointment, even after sitting in the parking lot with Meredith for so long, but waiting around wasn't helping. He'd tried to do some paperwork, as he told Meredith he would, but when he got to his own office and sat down, his nerves jangled again. He got some files out, grabbed a pen and tried to focus on the task in front of him, but instead, all his eyes wanted to do was watch the clock on the wall, the steady tick-tick-tick acting as a soft accompaniment to the agitated thudding of his heart. After a few more minutes of trying to concentrate and failing hopelessly, Derek stood up, his chair screeching against the tile floor in protest as he moved. He looked at the clock again. 7.35am. Matherson had said he would see him when he was ready. Derek wouldn't exactly describe himself as ready, that suggested that he was looking forward to what was about to happen, but, as he grabbed his lab-coat, slipping it on, not out of necessity, but out of habit, he knew it was time.

Derek rapped on the office door again. 'Come in', a voice responded from inside in a kindly, yet authoritative tone. Derek's heart turned over in his chest. Taking a deep breath to steady himself, and running a hand through his hair, he went inside.

Pushing the door open, Derek stepped inside the large office. As he shut the door behind himself, a smartly dressed white haired man stepped towards him and offered his hand in greeting, smiling warmly. Derek took in the older man's appearance. He was the epitome of a family doctor, close-cut short hair which was as white as snow, blue eyes and a nose, which though large, didn't dominate his face. He looked every inch the professional, confident and efficient, but also caring and compassionate.

'Dr. Shepherd, come on in, take a seat, how are you?' Dr. Matherson gripped Derek's hand in a reassuringly firm shake.

Derek tried to smile, shaking the offered hand in return, his mind registering somewhere how warm it was. 'Please, call me Derek', he responded politely, easing himself into a chair. 'I mean, I'm here as a patient', he added dryly.

Dr. Edward Matherson nodded. 'Of course, and I'm sure you'd just like to get on with this, get it over with?'

Derek sighed. The man sitting on the opposite side of the desk was absolutely right. He did want to get this over with. He wanted it over with as soon as possible. He nodded. 'I'm early, I know I'm early, but….' He broke off, not sure of what else to say. Blurting out with the fact that it had taken an age just to get out of the car when he arrived seemed ridiculous, not to mention that he'd spent about half an hour in his own office trying to do paperwork and had still achieved absolutely nothing. He was supposed to be all right at this sort of thing, he told himself firmly. He was a surgeon, he could do this. The trouble was, Derek told himself, suddenly he felt as if he wasn't a surgeon, as if he was standing in the O.R. with people all around him, and he had a skull-flap open, but instead of being a world-class neurosurgeon, he didn't know what the hell he was doing. All the nerves and tissues in front of him meant absolutely nothing. Then, in his mind, a familiar pair of eyes appeared in front of him, the rest of her face obscured by a mask. Derek could tell she was smiling. Somehow, even in the O.R. he could always read Meredith's face. Her eyes sparkled when she smiled. She continued to stand there, unflinching, unmoving, just waiting, waiting for him to step up and do what he had to do.

'It's fine Derek, I know how busy you are in neurosurgery, so shall we just get on with it?' Dr. Matherson smiled warmly, interrupting Derek's thoughts.

Derek sighed, his mind coming back to the room. 'That would be good, thank you.' He appreciated the older man's discretion. It must be obvious, Derek thought, how nervous he was. Matherson's calm, compassionate manner helped.

'Okay,' Dr. Matherson pushed his swivel chair closer to his desk as he spoke and picked up a pen. 'I'll just need to ask some basic questions before I do anything else, just to get a complete picture of exactly what's been going on.'

'Go ahead', Derek replied, beginning to feel a little more at ease. Maybe this wasn't as bad as he had imagined. Yet.

'I understand that you're what, nearly forty?' Matherson glanced at some information on his desk, notes, Derek realised. The man must have been doing some research. Part of him wondered what else he knew.

'I am, I'll be forty in a couple of months.' Derek replied automatically, knowing that this was just the standard bit of the appointment. Whatever the field, it was basic practice to get every bit of information possible from the patient, that way there was less chance of missing something that might seem trivial but could be vital to an accurate diagnosis.

Dr. Matherson nodded and scribbled something down on a form on the desk in front of him. Derek knew, from having been through this sort of thing with patients of his own, Matherson was filling in a form that would eventually be the front sheet in a patient file. It made it all the more official. He was suddenly a patient. 'Are you on any medications, do you have any medical problems you know of that might be causing your difficulties?' Matherson's question cut across Derek's thoughts.

Derek shook his head. 'No, I'm not on any medications. I don't have any conditions that I'm aware of, but…' Something suddenly occurred to him, something he hadn't thought of before, something, if he was honest, he tried not to think about at all if he could help it.

Dr. Matherson looked up from the notes he was scribbling on. He met Derek Shepherd's gaze. He could tell the younger man was uncomfortable, unsure of whether or not to go on. He smiled sympathetically. 'Look, Dr. Shepherd…_Derek_', he corrected himself automatically, 'you know as well as I do, anything you say to me is strictly confidential, I'm bound by patient confidentiality, exactly the same as you or any other doctor in this hospital, so, with that in mind, if there is anything that you think might help us to get to the bottom of your problems, please, share it with me.'

Derek sighed and shifted in his seat in agitation. 'I'm sorry, it's not that I don't trust you, it's just that….'

'It's just that you are used to being the one in control and asking the questions?' Dr. Matherson smiled again, his tone hinting at some amusement, not at Derek's expense, he knew that, but at the situation.

Derek broke into a smile in spite of himself and sighed deeply again, filling his lungs with air. Matherson's manner helped to relieve some of the tension he felt. 'Exactly', he confirmed, whilst his mind thanked the man in front of him for being so understanding.

'So, what was it you were thinking about, is there something that you think I should know?'

The question brought Derek back to his thoughts. He told himself he was being ridiculous. If it was at all relevant he would know, he was a neurosurgeon after all, he was supposed to know about this things. But still, his mind went over it, refused to back down from it. Maybe it was worth mentioning it, just in case. He cleared his throat before going on. 'Well, I don't think it's relevant, I would know if something was wrong, but I just thought….My father, he….He died when I was ten, from a brain haemorrhage, so I thought that maybe, something vascular, something I've not thought about, maybe I've missed something.' Derek closed his eyes just for a second after he finished speaking. This was awful. Now, not only was he embarrassed just to be here, he was suggesting that he couldn't even diagnose a medical condition in his own specialty. It was stupid. He had to force himself to stay in his seat when everything inside him was telling him to walk out, away from this situation.

Edward Matherson nodded deeply. 'Okay, we can do some tests, just to make sure the blood is flowing where it needs to go, that's pretty standard actually. We can do some tests just to make sure your arteries are working properly, but, seeing as you're not overweight and assuming that you don't have any underlying medical problems that we don't yet know of, I would try not to worry too much about that. You're one of the best in your field Derek, so I'm sure that if there was anything vascular or neurological going on, you would be the first to know, but tell me, do you drink or smoke?'

The switch from reassurance to casual questioning almost caught Derek off-guard. Having his own ability as a doctor confirmed by this relative stranger gave Derek confidence. He was grateful to the older man. 'I drink the odd glass of Scotch, maybe a few times a week, and I like the occasional cigar, you know, for birthdays and such, it's not a regular habit by any means. My girlfriend thinks I'm a bit of a health nut.' Derek smiled weakly. Suddenly the thought of Meredith was in the front of his mind again. He remembered all those months before when he mocked her choice of breakfasts, her habit of eating whatever might be lurking in the back of the refrigerator while he ate his muesli. He remembered the first time he stuck around at her place for breakfast, instead of being thrown out so that her friends wouldn't know what was going on between them, he helped himself to muesli and watched as she put a small portion in a dish for herself. She didn't touch it. Instead, she spent the whole time pushing it around the dish, looking at it as if she was giving it serious consideration, before pushing it away without even giving it a chance.

Edward Matherson put his pen down and sat back in his seat. 'Ah, I see. So how long have you been in your current relationship?'

Derek thought. It was weird, trying to put a time-line on it. There was a couple of great months before Addison came, then there was that time before Meredith's mother was back in the hospital, before she'd accused Meredith of being ordinary, which…..He slammed the door on his mind. He shifted in his seat and looked at Dr. Matherson across the desk. 'Well, it's sort of complicated, but on and off for just a little over a year.'

Matherson nodded and smiled good-naturedly. 'Relationships are often complicated aren't they, especially when you're seeing someone outside of the job. They don't always get it do they, how the job carries pressures of its own?'

Derek couldn't believe it. Was he really talking to the one person at Seattle Grace who knew nothing of his history with Meredith, or was he just being discreet? Everyone knew about him and Meredith, or so he thought. They'd been gossip-fodder for months. This was weird. Either way, Derek could tell by the way Matherson was beginning to fiddle with his pen again, he was waiting for him to say something. 'Actually, I'm involved with a Resident, a second year….Meredith Grey,' he supplied, knowing he didn't really need to say her name, but doing it anyway.

Edward Matherson's brows arched as if he was thinking deeply. 'Grey….Grey.' He seemed to be testing the name on his tongue, or trying to remember something. Derek's heart sank. He knew exactly where this was going. Where it always went. 'Is she any relation to Ellis Grey, or rather, the late Ellis Grey? I believe she died here, in this hospital, a while back?'

Derek tried to hold back something. Something inside churned, his stomach rolled, once, twice, before settling into something that was unsettled and agitated even more than before. Swallowing, he replied. 'Yes…Ellis Grey was Meredith's mother, she died here a while back, she had a heart problem and early-onset Alzheimer's.'

Edward Matherson nodded sympathetically. 'Yes, yes of course. I'm sorry. Such a tragic waste of a brilliant surgeon. Tell me, does Meredith take after her mother, is she as good a surgeon as her mother?'

Something inside Derek's guts twisted again. He fought a rising urge to tell Edward Matherson exactly what Ellis Grey was like, how she'd constantly put Meredith down until….He forced the thought away. 'Meredith is great. She's an excellent surgeon. She's smart and has good instincts. I think she's going to be a brilliant surgeon one day.' Derek felt a burst of pride wash over him. He knew he was right. One day Meredith was going to be one of the greats.

Matherson smiled warmly. 'Well, that's quite a recommendation Derek. Has she chosen a specialty yet, neurosurgery maybe?'

Derek thought. Meredith had never discussed her specialty with him, except to say that she'd told her mother she was waiting to be inspired. He wondered if she would pick neuro, the idea of working side by side with her all the time, teaching her, guiding her, helping her become the surgeon he knew she was capable of being, sending a thrill down his spine. 'She's thinking about it I think, waiting for inspiration.'

Matherson nodded again. 'Well, I think that's understandable. Residency is hard enough to get through without adding more stress to it. There's no point in worrying about things before you need to.'

Derek nodded, unable to come up with an appropriate response. Something inside told him that he hadn't exactly helped to make Meredith's intern year stress free, the exact opposite, in fact.

'So, you and Dr. Grey, are you happy, is it a stable relationship?' Edward Matherson's question cut across Derek's thoughts.

Derek's insides flinched. 'We're fine.' The answer came out automatically.

Edward Matherson noted how tense Derek seemed again. Having seemed nervous when he came into the room, he had relaxed after a few moments of gentle probing, answering all the routine questions with ease, apart from a moment of agitation when he mentioned his father's death. Now, in talking about his relationship with a doctor who just seconds before he was happily singing the praises of, he seemed almost angry, like a coiled spring waiting to burst open at any second. Something seemed wrong. 'Derek?' he questioned, concerned about the shift in the younger man's attitude.

Derek Shepherd frowned. Suddenly he felt under attack, as if he was under a microscope, being analysed and watched closely, too closely. It made him feel uncomfortable. But, he realised, he also sounded rude. Being rude to the man who was trying to help, who had volunteered his time, wasn't right. He sighed heavily. 'I'm sorry, I know you're trying to help, it's just….'

Edward Matherson smiled kindly. 'Look Derek, I'm here to find out what is going on with you. Part of that is to find out what is happening medically, but also, as you know, it helps to get a complete picture of a person's life. I can assure you, nothing you say will go outside these four walls.'

Derek took a deep breathe and pushed a hand through his hair. 'Meredith and I, it's been complicated. I met her in the bar across the street the night before she started her internship here. We…we had a one night stand. Then, the next day, we both realised we worked here together, I was her boss. It wasn't ideal, but I just….'

'You couldn't leave her alone?' Edward Matherson was watching Derek with empathy in his eyes. Derek wondered how the urologist could see through him so easily.

'Yes, that's it. She tried to avoid me, she did everything she could not to get involved, but then somehow, she let me in, and it was….But something happened, and we broke up for a while….I was…'

Edward Matherson cast his mind back months. Something in the back of his mind remembered some gossip that was doing the rounds. An intern had got herself hooked up with an Attending who then turned out to be married. 'Your wife arrived?' He asked the question calmly, not judging, as if it was just a fact.

Derek sighed, appreciating the non-judgemental attitude of the man in front of him. 'I planned on getting a divorce, but then Addison was here and it seemed wrong to just walk away from her. We'd been married for eleven years, I felt obliged to try. I walked away from Meredith. I knew it was wrong, I knew I was making a mistake, but I did it anyway, just so that I could look as if I was trying to save my marriage.' Something clutched at Derek's guts again.

Matherson saw the haunted expression that hung over Derek Shepherd's face. 'But things worked out in the end, you're back with Meredith now?' He watched as Derek's features lightened, though the spark in his eyes didn't come back. There was obviously something else.

Derek tried to smile. 'We got back together eventually. I just couldn't stay away from her. We got back together and we're happy, it's fine.' He forced himself to sound cheerful and optimistic.

Something in the back of Edward Matherson's mind clicked into place. Meredith Grey. Her name latched on to something in his head. Something to do with…It came to him. The ferryboat crash. It was all over the TV and the newspapers. There were scores of injured, a lot of deaths. Page after page of the papers printed stories of that day, details of the deaths, stories about their lives and families. There were tales of heroism, people had done extraordinary things to save people they'd known for barely a few moments. Amongst the avalanche of headlines was one brief paragraph, a story of a young surgical intern who somehow ended up falling into the Elliott Bay and was effectively dead for three hours until her colleagues were able to get her back. Her name was Meredith Grey.

Derek glanced down at his watch. It was getting late. He had things he should be doing. 'I know it helps to ask questions, but I would imagine you have other people to see today, and, to be truthful, so do I. Can we just get on with it now?'

Edward Matherson blinked at the rapid turn of the conversation. It was like Derek was trying to avoid something. He could almost feel the anxiety radiating off the younger man. Something told him that this moment wasn't the right time to push. He could examine him first, check for any medical problems, and then he would try again. Patients weren't always receptive when they were worried. 'All right. I know how busy you are, we can get on with it now. If you'd just like to step into the examination room,' he indicated a door to the right of his seat, 'we'll take a look.'

Derek got to his feet. It was the moment of truth.

**A/N Well, that turned out to be a long chapter, well, longer than they've been for a while. I hope it is all right. At the moment I'm not quite with it enough to be the best judge. Your reviews will help. More soon, I promise. My thanks again for your patience.**


	28. Chapter 26

**A/N I'm taking advantage of not having the energy to do very much and being out of my mind with frustration at not having more than a stupid whisper of a voice to do some writing. If this goes on much longer I would expect updates more frequently. It is driving me crazy! The doctor says it is laryngitis for sure (no, really???) and it could take six weeks. Someone please, scream for me! Anyone who says that a husky voice is sexy clearly isn't mature enough to know the meaning of the word!**

**My thanks to my reviewers for my previous chapter, all three of you. I know, you have had to wait around for me, and I do appreciate that, but even so, some feedback, positive, negative or absolutely indifferent, would be helpful.**

**Anyway, this will move the story on a little. I know this seems slow, but it is a story that opens up gradually rather than slamming in to you. The last chapter should have given you the idea of what is going on here. Frankly, if it didn't, you need to read it again. Please, read, enjoy and review.**

Derek had spent the last hour being exposed, poked and prodded and he'd had enough. All he wanted to do now was get out of there and crawl under something, or lock himself away, preferably for a long, long time. As considerate as Dr. Matherson was, the experience had been embarrassing and humiliating. It wasn't something he would ever want to repeat in a hurry. As soon as the urologist indicated that he was finished, Derek got down from the examination table he'd been on for what seemed like hours and dressed as fast as he could. Now he was waiting for the verdict. During the exam Matherson's face had been unreadable. Derek made a mental note never to challenge the man to a game of poker.

Dr. Matherson stood washing his hands while Derek got dressed. By the time he was done the neurosurgeon was standing, fully clothed, his hands in his lab-coat pockets. 'Okay, now that we've got that out of the way, we can go back into the other room and I'll talk you through what I think is happening.' The urologist finished drying his hands as he spoke, dumping several sheets of paper towel in the pedal bin below the wash-basin before he turned around and faced Derek again.

Derek's heart began to thump. He frowned. He'd been in that room for over an hour, answering questions, then being examined, exposing himself in front of a colleague in a way that was probably designed to be awkward and uncomfortable, and now he was expected to sit down and discuss it? No, not happening, he told himself. 'Could we just…Can you just tell me…Please?' Derek struggled to be polite, reminding himself that being rude to the man who was trying to help wasn't a good idea.

Dr. Edward Matherson looked into Derek Shepherd's eyes. The man looked like a caged animal. He looked as if all it would take to push him to breaking point was one more thing. If just one more thing went out of his control, Derek Shepherd would fall apart, break into a million pieces. Edward Matherson nodded and leaned on the wash-basin for support. He deliberately left some room between himself and his patient.

'So, what do you think, is there something wrong, did I miss something?' Derek fired the questions out, his need to just know and then get out of there overtaking his need to be patient. He couldn't stand all this waiting.

Just for a second Edward Matherson watched Derek, seeing all the pressure he was under playing across his features. Then, shaking his head, he spoke. 'No, you didn't miss anything. You have to understand, I do have some more tests to run, some more investigating to do….'

Derek felt nauseous. He inhaled sharply. 'Just…Get to the point….Please.' He hated that he was begging, but this was just unbearable. He could feel his heart hammering as if it had jumped into the back of his throat.

Dr. Matherson sighed. 'My examinations show that from what I can see, there is no physical reason why you can not achieve and maintain an erection. Your blood flow is normal, the pulses to your groin and feet were fine, indicating no circulatory issues. you don't have high blood pressure, your heart is perfectly healthy. Examination of your abdomen indicates no sign of aortic aneurysm.'

'And neurologically?' Derek asked the question, feeling easier with Matherson's professional tone. It was a little like firing questions at an intern and expecting the right answer to come back, except Matherson was no intern.

Edward Matherson continued to lean against the wash-basin, but crossed his arms over his chest. Realising it made him look defensive, he dropped his arms and clutched the rim of the basin instead. 'You have excellent reflexes, no issues at all with your reflexes to your knees, ankles or anus, sensation to your legs and feet was normal.'

Derek nodded, recollecting how intrusive the exam had been. At least he couldn't say Matherson hadn't been thorough he reasoned. 'So, what else?'

'Well,' Dr. Matherson continued, 'I have to wait for some blood results to come back to be certain, but there is nothing else to suggest to me that you have any hormonal issues. Your thyroid gland seems fine and your testicular and breast development are normal, you don't have Peyronie's disease and your prostate is fine, no indication of inflammation or any other problems, and most certainly no indication of cancer.'

Derek turned the information over in his mind. There was nothing wrong with him, absolutely nothing. But….'So, if there is nothing wrong with me, why can't I keep an erection long enough to have sex?' He couldn't keep the bitter edge out of his tone.

Dr. Matherson considered. How could he put this without Derek Shepherd overreacting? In the end he reasoned, his patient was clearly a man who needed to be in control, for whom any indication of failure seemed like the end of the world, even if it was something that wasn't his fault. The only thing to do was tell the truth and deal with the fallout calmly. 'Well, there are things beyond the physical, I mean, you could be stressed, you have a stressful job Derek, you're a neurosurgeon, every time you operate you have people's lives in your hands, maybe you're stressed, tired, maybe you just need a break, a holiday or….'

Derek felt the anger stirring deep down in his gut. 'I don't need to be reminded what my job involves Dr. Matherson!' His voice rose, his tone sharpened. Heat burned the back of his eyes. He knew he was being irrational, but he didn't care. The only thing Derek knew was that he'd just gone through the most humiliating experience of his life and it was all for nothing. It was supposed to help. Today was supposed to fix things, or at least give some answers. Instead it had achieved nothing and now he was being lectured on how stressful his job was. It was too much. Then Derek glanced towards the urologist. The man was standing there, his expression a picture of calm serenity, as if he'd known what sort of reaction his diagnosis would get and he was just waiting for it to pass. It knocked the edges off Derek's rage. How could he lose it with someone who looked so damned calm? 'It's not my job, I love my job, besides, if it was work most of the surgeons in this hospital would have….'

'Erectile Dysfunction?' Dr. Matherson supplied casually, as if the term meant nothing. 'It's not known as impotence any more Derek, it's nothing to be ashamed of, you can use the words, they won't bite.'

'I know that', Derek replied softly, suddenly feeling a wave of exhaustion rolling over him, 'it's just that…'

'It's just what, Derek?' Edward Matherson probed gently, his knowledge of these cases telling him that with most cases of psychological erectile dysfunction, all the patient needed to do was talk to someone and whatever the problem was could be worked through. It might take time, the person might need counselling, but it could be done.

Derek closed his eyes for a second, gathering himself to say what was on his mind. It wasn't easy. It was personal and private. 'It's just…my girlfriend and I…Meredith….She's….Sex is….Sex is sort of….It's our thing.' Derek cringed. He was actually starting to sound like Meredith. With her, everything was a thing, or whatever. When she did it, it was cute, well, most of the time. From him, an Attending, one of the foremost surgeons in the country, it sounded ridiculous. He went on, trying to hold back the shame that coursed through his body. 'Sex is…We're good at sex…..we're _both_ good at it…..' He clamped his mouth shut, running out of words to convey everything going on in his head.

It all fell into place for Edward Matherson. Suddenly he could see exactly what was going on. Good communication was vital in relationships, especially with sexual problems. Something was obviously wrong in this relationship. Derek's anger earlier, when he was asked about his relationship, made sense now. 'So you don't communicate well is that it? Are you saying that sex is a replacement for talking about things?'

Derek shook his head, struggling to say what he felt. 'We say things sometimes, we yell, when we fight….which isn't a lot', he added, feeling that he should prove the point. He didn't want it to sound as if he and Meredith were one of those couples that spent all their time shrieking at one another. A distant recollection of him and Addison rushed through his mind, a memory of years before, when all they did, whenever they were together long enough, was scream at one another and say things, cruel, hurtful things. It wasn't like that with Meredith.

Edward Matherson nodded. 'So, when you fight, how do you fix things, do you talk then, try to work through your problems?'

'We….We have sex.' The answer, though not what Derek meant to say, rushed out. He felt the blood rush to his face. The room became degrees warmer. This was embarrassing.

'I see', Edward Matherson continued, as if Derek's admission was exactly what he expected to hear. 'And has it always been like that, or do you think something changed things?'

Derek thought. There were so many things he could say. Meredith used to talk. She used to tell him things before Addison showed up, before he broke her trust. He couldn't stand there and say that. Instead, a mumbled 'I don't know', crossed his lips.

The urologist eyed Derek Shepherd, knowing that he wasn't getting the whole story. Something was wrong in this relationship, something that could probably be fixed if the couple could just talk. 'Maybe, if you think there are things you need to talk about, you could consider counselling, it helps sometimes, to talk to someone outside the situation, someone neutral.'

Counselling. The thought of it made Derek feel even more exhausted. He remembered going to counselling with Addison, when she first turned up in Seattle. That had been a disaster, sitting there for an hour, going over the same ground, in front of a man who hardly seemed to take any notice of either of them, and seemed to think that the mere fact they could sit in the same room for more than five minutes without killing one another was excellent progress. It was a total waste of time. Besides, Meredith wouldn't even discuss her feelings with him, a complete stranger wouldn't stand a chance. 'I don't think….We don't need counselling.'

Dr. Matherson stood upright, taking his weight from the wash-basin at last. 'You have been through a lot Derek, your move from New York, your wife turning up here and your relationship with Dr. Grey, then the end of your marriage, there wouldn't be any shame in discussing any one of these things with a counsellor, never mind all of them, and of course, Dr. Grey was involved in the ferryboat incident wasn't she? That must have been…..'

'I said we don't need counselling!' Derek barked. His head was spinning. The urologist had just reeled off everything that had happened over the last year or so, as if it was nothing more than a shopping list. It was too much. Earlier he had thought that Dr. Matherson didn't know about him and Meredith and all the drama in between. Now it appeared as if he did, as if he'd known all along and had just been waiting to bring it all up. He even knew about the ferryboat disaster. Derek's stomach tied itself in knots. He knew he had to calm down. Matherson was trying to help, he reminded himself, yelling wasn't good. He took a breath. 'Yes, Meredith was involved in….in that, but she's fine now, working again and doing well.' Derek knew he sounded like he was trying to convince Dr. Matherson he was telling the truth. 'We have talked about it and we're fine with it, truly.' Derek wondered when it was that he'd started to sound like a twelve year old again, trying to persuade his mother that he and Mark hadn't broken her favourite vase when they were play fighting in the living room. He wondered if he should add 'I swear, it jumped off the shelf all by itself,' just for good measure.

Edward Matherson sighed. He knew now, the consultation was over. In his agitated state, Derek Shepherd wasn't going to reveal any more. It was as if he'd opened the door just a bit, peeked inside and, once he realised he didn't like what was on the other side, he'd slammed it shut again. It was clear though, the neurosurgeon was physically fine. The root of his problems lay in his emotional state. If counselling wasn't an option, it was up to the couple to face their difficulties and work through them, if they had the will to try.

Derek could tell his time was up. This was almost over. He felt like he'd been through an inquisition, as if every part of him had been examined and re-examined, then, to torture him more, he'd been questioned, tormented, until he didn't know what to think or say. 'So, if there is nothing physically wrong, what happens next?' He shifted the tone of his question away from himself, his pride refusing to ask 'What do I do?'

The older man considered his response. 'Well, I think for a start, you should try to not even attempt to have sex with your girlfriend.'

Derek's eyebrows arched. 'What?' he demanded. That wasn't the answer he was expecting. 'I thought maybe you would suggest something to do, or….'

Edward Matherson shook his head and stepped closer to Derek Shepherd, sensing that he would be less likely to explode now. The moment seemed to have passed, for now. 'If you were older I might suggest drug treatments, but seeing as you're still quite young and the problem has been going on for a relatively short period of time, though I realise that for you it doesn't seem that way', he added, seeing Derek glare, 'I think that drugs wouldn't necessarily be the answer.'

Derek frowned. It wasn't the fact that Dr. Matherson wouldn't prescribe anything that bothered him. Even in his own area, he didn't like prescribing drugs unless there was absolutely no other option. Drugs, in his opinion, tended to mask a problem that sometimes needed to be faced. But now, with this, believing that didn't help. 'So we should just…Not even try?' Derek couldn't help the way his voice hitched. This wasn't good.

Dr. Matherson nodded encouragingly. 'It sounds crazy, I realise that, but Derek, I think that what might be happening is that you have had a problem and now, every time you are in a sexual situation, you expect it to go wrong, so when it does, it creates even more anxiety, which in turn helps to create the climate for it to continue to go wrong again. It's a vicious circle that I think you need to break.'

Derek thought about what the urologist was saying. He wanted to argue, to insist that the man didn't have a clue, that surely, if they were going to work this out, he and Meredith needed to try. But, even as the argument formed in his head, Derek knew he was kidding himself. He knew that every time it went wrong and he was left frustrated, and Meredith looked confused and hurt, he felt as if he'd failed. When it went wrong again and again, he felt worse. He needed that feeling to stop. He needed to feel as if he was dealing with this, that everything wasn't tumbling down around him, crushing him under its weight.

'I think you need to spend time with your girlfriend, maybe you could do things together? Either way, I think you need to go back to basics with your relationship. I think you both need to learn to talk to each other about how you feel and what you want without turning to sex as a way of resolving your issues.' Edward Matherson continued, watching Derek Shepherd's expression as he took in what he was being told.

Derek realised what Dr. Matherson was saying. 'So, what you are saying is basically that I need to start again with Meredith, that we need to go on dates together, as if we barely know each other?'

Edward Matherson smiled seeing an expression that seemed to switch alternately between confusion and dismay on the neurosurgeon's face. He was tempted to suggest that it seemed to him that this couple really did barely know each other, but he held it back. 'That's exactly what I'm saying', he said softly, 'you never know, it might actually be fun.' He smiled again, brighter than before.

A few minutes later Derek left Dr. Matherson's office. He wondered how the hell he was going to tell Meredith that he'd been told that trying sex again was out of the question for a while, but that dating, which usually meant meals and movies and other things, which for them were usually just the precursor to sex, were still an option. He was saved from giving it any more consideration when his pager went off. He had to go to work.

**A/N So, at last, now you know. Derek doesn't have any physical problems. Physically he is fine. Emotionally, he has issues. On top of that, sex is off the menu, even trying. I wonder how Meredith will take that, and what, if anything, the couple will find to do together. Ideas anyone? Fishing perhaps? You'll find out soon if you review.**


	29. Chapter 27

**A/N My sincere thanks for all the kind feedback from the previous chapter, which helps immensely at the moment. From the last few days of silence from me, I think the observant amongst you might realise (and maybe it shows in the writing too) that I'm feeling really quite unwell at the moment. Your continued support and understanding helps me and gives me the incentive to continue. **

**I really do have a lot of thoughts on where to take the story now, I have issues that I've brought up and done nothing with, ideas I would like to develop. However, at the moment it seems a bigger task than normal. I promise that if you can continue to support me and bear with me, I won't put the story on hiatus until I'm better. I hate it when stories get abandoned as much as I'm sure all of you do, so I will continue.**

**There are a number of comments from the reviews that I was extremely touched by. I will of course send messages out to everyone individually as soon as I can, but just know for now that you do encourage me. The idea for the story came about because after Meredith drowned I was struck by all the ways Derek in particular, would react to what happened. I think those of you who have read it will know that AriaAdagio's brilliant Standing On Solid Ground covered Post Traumatic Stress in a way that I could never begin to replicate, albeit I realise that some of our issues overlap somewhat, so I wanted to focus on the drowning in a different way. Bearing in mind the nature of Derek and Meredith's relationship, I had two options. The first I looked at was alcoholism. I rejected that quite quickly. Somehow I couldn't see Derek using a chemical to solve a problem, not for long, though Meredith might be another issue entirely. The other issue was erectile dysfunction. It struck me that this would get right to the heart of Meredith and Derek's relationship. It would basically ask the question, if sex was out of the equation, would the relationship still exist? It also gives me room to tackle what I really believe about Derek, that the man has an almost pathological fear of failure. I put my idea to AriaAdagio, who helped me think through a lot of my early plans, guiding me a lot and making sense of my ramblings, not to mention helping to calm a very early bout of freaking out about something I haven't even got to yet! It helped more than I can say, though that one bit…still freaks me out!**

**Anyway, I'm sure you want me to shut up and allow Meredith and Derek to face up (or not) to Derek's diagnosis. Read, enjoy and review. Oh, and if there is anything in particular that you would like me to have Derek and Meredith do together, you know, couple-y, non-sex things, I'm open to all sorts of ideas.**

Meredith made her way to the locker room, trying to look as if everything was fine and normal, and absolutely nothing to worry about. She kept telling herself that Derek would be fine, he _would_ be all right. After the tenth round of mental chanting, all of which took place between the parking lot and the surgical floor, she wondered who she was trying to convince. She couldn't get out of her mind the way he'd looked when she'd left him by the car. He looked just about as _un_fine as he could possibly be, but like he didn't dare say so in case he spooked himself into jumping right back into the Lexus and to hell with his appointment. Meredith's stomach flipped when she suddenly realised that he could have done exactly that when she'd left him and she wouldn't know. Right now Derek could be back in the car, sitting there, or worse, driving somewhere, away from the hospital, away from his appointment with the urologist and Meredith wouldn't know until it was too late to do anything about it. She cursed herself for leaving him, her mind creating all sorts of bad things, things where Derek was going away, away from his appointment, away from knowing what, if anything, was really wrong with him, away from her.

After several long moments of tormenting herself with images of Derek doing a disappearing act, Meredith pulled herself up. He'd been determined to find a urologist, she told herself, he'd promised he would and he had, there was no way he would turn tail now, not when he'd promised, not when he'd said he wanted to do something about his problem. Derek wanted this to be done and over with as much as she did, she reminded herself, he wanted them back to where they were before. She forced away a thought of another time Derek promised he would do something and then had turned right around and done something else. This wasn't the same. This was his health, not his marriage. He would go through with this, he _would_. He had been nervous when she left him, that was true, but he was about to go through something he knew would be awkward and embarrassing, something that no man really wanted to go through, let alone a doctor who knew, for the most part, exactly what this day, or at least the next hour or so, entailed. He was nervous and anxious and all sorts of other bad sorts of things, but he was going to go through with it. Right?

On going in to the locker room at last, Meredith told herself she was being stupid and it had to stop, _needed_ to stop. She was thinking in circles, going round and round in her head, every thought going back to the idea that Derek would find a way out of this if he could. She wasn't doing it anymore. She wasn't. Derek was going to his appointment with Matherson and then he was going to page, or better, come and find her himself. Besides, he couldn't turn around and escape, once his appointment was over he had patients to see, work to do. Derek wouldn't walk away from that, he wouldn't.

'You're late Grey!' Miranda Bailey announced the minute Meredith faced her newly appointed Chief Resident, or rather, the second Chief Resident of the year. Meredith couldn't help the sense of relief that came over her. If Bailey was yelling then everything was all right. The time to worry was when Bailey was being nice. Bailey being anything less than her usual caustic, straightforward self was about as likely as the idea of Cristina changing in to baby pink scrubs, offering lollipops to people and demanding hugs from everyone whilst giving surgeries away, and about as weird. Bailey yelling meant everything was normal.

'Sorry, I…I had a thing', Meredith stammered, opening her locker and grabbing her lab-coat. 'I had a thing, but I'm here now and….' She knew if someone didn't stop her she would go into all out ramble mode. _Crap_.

Miranda Bailey's eyes narrowed. She stared at Meredith for several long seconds before she tutted, rolled her eyes and turned towards the locker room door. Then, on her way out, she turned and looked over her shoulder, watching as the roomful of residents dragged their feet and made no attempt to rush out to work. 'Come on people, lives to save, move!' Meredith sighed with relief. Everything was fine.

As Meredith edged through the crowd of residents, she felt someone grab her arm, she turned and saw Cristina. 'Hey' she smiled lightly at the sight of her friend.

'You were late, what's up, did McDreamy chicken out of his appointment?' Cristina said without any other greeting.

Meredith glanced around and, seeing that no one was listening or paying any attention to the two of them, she pulled Cristina to one side, away from any potential prying ears. She sighed, she knew Cristina didn't really mean to be unkind, even if she didn't exactly like Derek, she was just being Cristina. It was another sign that everything was all right. 'He's seeing Matherson this morning…soon', she added, checking her watch.

Cristina nodded and gave Meredith a quick pat on the shoulder, the nearest she ever got to a hug. 'Well then, that's good. I hear Matherson is good. He'll be fine Mer, you know that.'

Meredith couldn't come up with a reply, at least, not something that sounded at all convincing. In her mind she knew Cristina was right. From everything she'd managed to find out about Dr. Matherson since Derek made his appointment, it was obvious that he was a good urologist, one of the best in the field, but still, something lingered. Meredith couldn't shift the feeling in the pit of her stomach that maybe the tests Derek was undergoing would find something bad, really bad. Her mind kept going over all the things that could be wrong. She clamped down on the thought. Derek was going to be fine. He would keep his appointment with Matherson, he would have all the tests and then they would deal with whatever the problem was. It was all fine.

Cristina Yang gave Meredith another reassuring pat. 'So, does Izzie know about the appointment today, do you need me to watch her, make sure she isn't having any more cosy chats with a certain nurse?'

Meredith shook her head, smiling quickly at the mental image of Cristina Yang acting as a guard dog, ready to bite and snarl at Izzie Stevens if she so much as breathed a word in the wrong place. Meredith knew well enough that Cristina would do it too, if she just said the word. 'No I…I haven't told her about the appointment, or anything really…I think I'm sort of not speaking to her, which is probably pathetic, but after what she did, I just….'

Meredith couldn't finish. Izzie's gossiping about Derek still stung. It wasn't just what she'd done, even if that was bad enough, it was the damage that she could have done if it hadn't been resolved. It was also the way she was convinced she was justified in what she did, as if that made it all right. Oh sure, she had apologised to Derek and said all the things she was supposed to say, but there was still a feeling that whatever Izzie said, no matter how much she apologised, if the same situation happened again, she would make exactly the same mistake. It was a bit like being expected to forgive an attacker when they are still holding a knife to your throat.

Meredith knew she should make a decision about what to do about Izzie, whether she should move out of the house or not. As it was, Izzie was still there, creeping around the place as if she was trying to be invisible, or worse, she kept trying to compensate for what she'd done, as if it could be fixed with a plateful of muffins and a chocolate cake. Meredith knew she probably should tell Izzie she wanted her to move out. Things were awkward and uncomfortable now, they would probably never be like they were before ever again. But still, something held her back. Izzie was part of her family, it was partly that. Just like Cristina and George, and even Alex, in a weird sort of way, Izzie was her family, the only real family she'd ever known. But that wasn't it. No, as Meredith stood there with her best friend, her person, she knew. The reason she hadn't done anything about Izzie was Derek. All she could think about right now was Derek and today and what it might mean. In comparison, what Izzie had done didn't even feature.

Cristina watched as Meredith's face filled with all the things going on in her head. After several long seconds when they both stood in silence, neither needing to say a word, Cristina edged away. 'Tell McDreamy that I said he might not be such a selfish bastard after all.'

Meredith smiled, 'I will, he'll take that as a compliment, coming from you.'

Cristina Yang glared, 'I said _might not_ Mer, don't make his head any bigger than it already is.' Then, without so much as a backward glance, Cristina walked away.

It was late when Meredith's pager went off, just an hour or so before the end of her shift. She'd kept herself busy all day, checking on her interns, seeing her own patients and catching up on paperwork. All the time one eye was on the clock, watching the time go by, her mind trying to work out how long Derek would take to see the urologist. She told herself she was being stupid, that watching the clock wouldn't actually make the time go faster. All the same, her eye was drawn back to it, the ticking seemed to be in her head.

When it got to lunchtime and she still hadn't heard from Derek, Meredith began to get nervous. What if it was bad and he didn't know how to tell her? What if he was sitting somewhere and Dr. Matherson was telling him the worst, that he had some awful thing wrong with him? What if he had something wrong that just couldn't be fixed? All Meredith's fears came rushing to the surface. Part of her wanted to run, to find Derek and just ask him, straight out, just to know. Another part of her didn't want to know, didn't want to see him, didn't want her pager to go off for any reason other than work. The thought of seeing him and having to hear something bad was too much. Meredith dragged herself into the Pit. It was boring, and easy, but at least she would be busy, she reasoned.

When Meredith's pager did eventually go off, it made her jump. She was holding a cup of coffee, the shock making her spill some of the hot liquid over her fingers. Swearing under her breath, she reached for her pager, feeling for it on her hip. Meredith's heart jumped into the back of her throat. It was Derek. He was waiting for her.

A few minutes later Meredith went into an exam room, closing the door softly behind herself. She turned into the room and saw him, sitting on the edge of the examination table, his hands almost in fists, scrunching the pale blue tissue paper that ran down the entire length of the table into a mess of holes and creases. Derek had pulled the blind down on the window, blocking out the view from the hallway. The only light in the room came from a small lamp over the examination table. It created a warm pool of brightness in the otherwise darkened room.

'Hey' Meredith said, once she'd allowed the door to click shut. The noise from outside, from people passing down the hallway as they went about their usual routine, was shut out. The only sound Meredith could hear was the faint hum of the lamp and Derek's heartbeat, or, she asked herself, was it her own? Suddenly it was hard to tell.

'Hey', Derek replied, his eyes brightening for just a second when Meredith appeared. He'd been waiting for this all day. His pager had gone off as he was leaving Matherson's office and he'd been called to a patient. After that he'd tried to grab a second, just some time long enough to tell Meredith what Matherson had said, at least about the test results if nothing else, but he'd been called away again, this time into a surgery. That had taken longer than he expected, but at least the patient was doing well now, surrounded by their family.

It was when Derek was filling in his notes about the surgery that he realised what he was doing. He was putting off paging Meredith, or trying to find her. He was delaying the moment when he had to tell her that Matherson had found nothing and the only thing he'd been able to suggest was that they not even try to have sex and they should date. It seemed ridiculous, hardly worth all the embarrassment he'd felt when he was being examined. But, Derek realised, he'd promised Meredith he would page or find her when he was done. As hard as it was, as much as he didn't want to say what had to be said, he'd promised. Before he could talk himself out of it, Derek paged Meredith.

Meredith stepped further into the room, away from the door. She looked at Derek, could hardly make herself take her eyes off him. It was as if she thought that if she could just look enough she would find a clue, something that would tell her what he was thinking. It didn't. Derek's face was blank, not quite emotionless, but unreadable, as if he'd pulled something over it, concealing it from view. It reminded Meredith of the moment when he told her he was staying with his wife. That time, when she watched him scrubbing in on a surgery they all knew was going to kill a patient, Meredith worked it out. Derek's whole attitude was shut off, closed to her, as if he knew that saying the words wouldn't help, so she'd said them for him. _'So, you're staying with her.'_

'So, you paged.' Meredith spoke, almost catching herself out. She hadn't planned it. She was waiting for Derek to tell her. She'd opened her mouth without thinking about it, not to ask a question, but just to state the fact.

Derek sighed and focused on Meredith. 'I would have paged earlier, but after the…when I was done with….I got paged when I finished with Matherson, and then I had a surgery, and time just…..Sorry.' Derek stumbled over his words, not knowing what to say, or how to say it.

Meredith nodded. Derek was busy. This was all right. 'Did….What did Matherson say….What did he find?' She was going to ask if he'd seen Matherson. She changed her mind. She didn't want him thinking that she'd thought, even for a second, he wouldn't keep the appointment, that would be bad, like saying she didn't trust him.

Derek sighed heavily, releasing a breath of air before he inhaled again. This was it. He had to tell her. He hesitated. He opened his mouth, went to say something, but stopped himself. He looked away from Meredith at last, as if his shoes were suddenly fascinating.

Meredith watched as Derek went to speak. She saw his mouth form a word before it gave up again and straightened out. He took his eyes off her and looked towards his feet. 'Derek?' Meredith heard herself say his name, heard it as it popped out, high and shaky, as if she was scared. She swallowed, her heart began to race, this was bad.

Derek Shepherd could hear how worried Meredith sounded. He knew he had to say something. He had to pull himself together. 'I went to see him and he did all the exams, he took some bloods too…He's waiting for some of the results to come back', he added, almost as an afterthought.

Meredith felt her stomach roll. All of a sudden she was light-headed. Her heart raced so fast her chest hurt. 'Okay, so we have to wait for some blood tests, that's okay, but he must have said something, he must have given you some idea of what's wrong, mustn't he?' Meredith was torn between trying to sound like a doctor trying to obtain all the facts, and a girlfriend who just wanted an answer to what was wrong with her boyfriend.

Derek sighed heavily again, his whole torso shifting with the effort of it. He looked up from his feet at last. He looked into Meredith's eyes. She looked like she was about to burst into tears or run. He didn't want her to run. Not again. 'He said….He said there's nothing physically wrong with me, nothing at all.'

Meredith listened to what Derek said. It took a second for it to sink in. Then she realised. There was nothing wrong with him. He was fine. The relief was incredible. 'That's….It's.' She couldn't explain how it felt. Suddenly she wanted a drink, a large one. Then, once the initial fear evaporated, replaced by relief, she realised exactly what he'd said. There was _nothing_ wrong with him. 'So if he couldn't find anything wrong, why can't you…I mean…' She struggled with the words.

Derek got off the end of the exam table and stood upright, pushing his hands deeply into his lab-coat pockets. He shook his head. 'I don't know, but Matherson said he thought we should spend some time together. He called it going back to basics, like….dating.' Derek added the final word as if the whole concept was foreign to him, as if he was trying to explain it.

Meredith half smiled. 'He thinks we should date, like going out to dinner and movies and…well, date?'

Derek frowned. This wasn't going well. He could tell, Meredith could hardly believe what she was hearing. He knew he had to tell her the rest. At least if he said it all now, it was done, out of the way. 'He also thinks we….' He stopped. He couldn't say it.

The tiny smile that had appeared on Meredith Grey's face slipped away. There was more. 'What, what else did he say?'

Derek concentrated on his feet again. He couldn't look at her and say this. 'He said he thinks…..He thinks we should stop even trying to have sex, to take the pressure off, he thinks….'

'He thinks I'm pressuring you to have sex?' Meredith said the words, her mind shutting off. This was too much. All the time, since the problem began, she'd tried really hard not to push, not to make Derek feel as if this was his fault, and now a total stranger was saying she was pressuring him?

Derek Shepherd's head jerked up, he looked Meredith in the eye and then, a second later, he was with her, standing so close he could smell her lavender conditioner. He shook his head firmly. 'No, he didn't say that, I swear, he didn't, besides, do you think I would have let him say that?'

Meredith's eyes widened at Derek's urgent tone. She could feel him, he stood so close to her. She wanted to reach out to him. Something stopped her. 'But you said….' She broke off. She didn't know what to say. It sounded like Matherson was blaming her for Derek's problem. It was her fault.

Derek shook his head again. 'Look, he just thinks that I'm putting to much pressure on _myself_.' He said the word clearly, so that she would get it. None of this was her fault. He was responsible for this mess and it was up to him to fix it. 'He thinks that when we try, and I…..I can't….I'm getting more anxious, so it makes it more likely that it'll go wrong again. He said it's a vicious circle I need to stop, so….'

Meredith eyed Derek warily, uncertain of what he was saying. 'So he's not saying it's me, that I'm doing something, or whatever?'

'Absolutely not, it's not your fault at all Meredith, it's just…..It's one of those things.' Derek didn't know how else to put it. How could he explain it to her when he wasn't even sure?

Meredith absorbed what Derek said. It wasn't her fault. 'So he thinks we need to date…and not have sex….At all?'

Derek nodded, seeing the look of confusion cross Meredith's features. 'That's right, he thinks we need to talk to each other, almost like starting fresh.' Derek knew as soon as he'd said it, he'd said the wrong thing. He wanted to rip his tongue out. Starting fresh was what they'd tried to do after Addison and Finn and all the rest of it. Meredith had wanted to go slow then and he couldn't do it. The idea of being near her and not having sex with her was just unnatural. It didn't last.

'So, we need to date, and not have sex, and we need to talk….To each other?' Meredith forced herself not to think about what starting fresh meant. They'd tried that before and it hadn't worked. This had to work. If it didn't….

Derek Shepherd smiled. 'Yes, to each other. Dr. Matherson seemed to think it might be fun. So, do you want to try?' He waited for her answer. He knew this was certainly not what he had expected from today. He'd gone in to his appointment with Matherson expecting a solution to a problem, something simple and quick. When that didn't happen he thought that he'd wasted his time, that all that embarrassment and humiliation was for nothing. Now, standing here, Meredith in front of him, Derek knew he had to try….if she wanted to.

Meredith thought about what Derek was saying. It seemed crazy. She thought back on every relationship she'd had with a man. Every relationship she'd ever known with a man had depended on sleeping with him. She'd left men who wanted more, or been dumped when a man had taken what he wanted. It was Derek who'd been different, when emotions had become involved, but even then, it had started with sex, with a one night stand on her living room floor. They'd started this thing, and just when Meredith felt that it was getting deeper, moving into something else, Addison showed up. Then, after everything, all the time apart when Derek was trying to save his marriage, there was sex again, dirty, adulterous sex, that felt right, even if it was wrong. There was getting back together and trying not to have sex and then doing it anyway, because it felt right and made her feel as if he wasn't slipping away again. Was it possible now that they could be together and not have sex?

Derek waited while Meredith stood in silence. He could see all the thoughts flying across her face, her doubts and uncertainty, as if she knew instinctively that this was a bad idea. 'Look, I know, this is probably crazy, it's probably a really bad idea, but what if it isn't, what if it's a good idea and we don't try? Isn't it worth a try?' He tried to sound positive, hopeful. The truth was that he was terrified she would say no, that she wasn't interested in trying, that it hadn't worked before and it wouldn't now so what was the point. 'Meredith, please.' The words slipped out before he could stop them. He knew he was begging, but right now, in this second, he didn't care.

'_What if I died and you didn't get chance to go on a date with me?' _

The words Derek had used what seemed like so long ago, and had in fact been no more than a year ago, hit Meredith. He'd pushed then, wouldn't leave her alone, even when she tried not to get involved with him. Now he was here, after everything, all the mess, and he was almost begging for a chance. He wasn't going away, at least, not yet. Not until he realised that being with her without the sex didn't amount to much. Until then, until that happened and he got bored with her, he was still here.

Meredith faced Derek, looked him square in the eyes. 'So, no sex and more talking and dates and stuff?'

Derek blinked. She was actually considering it? He couldn't believe it. 'Yes….if you'd like to go on a date with me that is?' He smiled brightly, suddenly feeling lighter than he had all day. All of a sudden Edward Matherson was a genius.

Meredith thought it over. 'Are you asking me out on a date Dr. Shepherd?' She edged closer to him.

Derek beamed, catching on to Meredith's mood. 'I am indeed Dr. Grey, if you'd do me the honour.'

Meredith nodded. 'I will, but there is just one thing, one little detail.'

'Oh, and what would that be?' Derek wondered what she was going to say next. It had to be something bad, this had been too easy so far.

'Would you mind driving me home? I mean, I know, we haven't even gone on a proper first date yet, I shouldn't really ask, but seeing as I came into work with you, in your car this morning, I….' Meredith smothered a giggle.

Derek laughed for a second. Meredith wanted to try. At least for now, in this moment, she wanted to try. Later, when she thought about it more, she would probably freak out, but now, in this second, she wanted to try. He straightened his face. 'Of course I'll drive you home, just page me when your shift is done.' He played along with her little joke.

As Meredith left the exam room a few minutes later, she wondered how this was going to work. Dating Derek hadn't gone so well before, how could it work now, and how, if they weren't having sex, could she keep him when he got bored? She forced the thought away. For now Derek was there. He wasn't ill. They could work on the rest, couldn't they?

**A/N Wow, that turned into a marathon chapter, with, I think, some real movement. I hope it was all right. I'll know if you review. More soon!**


	30. Chapter 28

A/N I know, a proper chapter from me

**A/N I know, a proper chapter from me. A proper chapter! Are you shocked? Having seen the resumption of Greys and deciding to be positive about Meredith and Derek, I feel inspired again.**

**My thanks to those of you who have been kind enough to wait so patiently for this. I hope the rest of this will make it worth it. I've hated the delay every bit as much as you, but what with not feeling well, the incentive to do any more just disappeared for a time. I'm still without my voice, but due to start speech therapy this week. I am however, feeling much better in myself. Maybe not perfect, but much better than I was, which is a good start.**

**I know that at least one reader objected to me using author's notes by way of keeping you all informed of what was going on while I was out of action. I appreciate that, really I do. However, I felt it was necessary to do something to keep you informed. I've yet to do anything on my LJ and the author's notes seemed the best way to let you know why I was out of action. It was just unfortunate that I had no way of changing the format of the notes, which probably gave the idea of them being chapter updates, though I did make it clear they were not. I apologise for any disappointment or confusion I caused, but I also don't think it's fair to be quite so abrupt with someone who is just trying to keep you informed of developments.**

**Anyway, on with things. My aim is to have finished the whole story by the time season four finishes its run. I think that is achievable if I put in some time. Your feedback will help. If my enforced break leads to any plot discrepancies then please point them out to me. I think I know what I've written, but you know how it is. Just one question to get you all thinking. In the show, is it fact that Nancy referred to Derek as 'baby brother' or is it something people just think? In my mind he is the eldest, or maybe the second eldest, but I want to get it right.**

**Enough from me. Please, read, review and, most of all after such a long break, enjoy.**

'So, where did you say he was taking you?' Cristina Yang asked. She was lay, or rather, _reclined_, on Meredith's bed, her head resting casually on one hand, as she watched her friend pulling clothes from drawers, and dragging things out of her closet, before shaking her head dramatically and muttering under her breath. So far, much to Cristina's amusement, at least three clothing manufacturer's and Meredith's closet as a whole, didn't appear to have father's, if Meredith's mouth was anything to go by. Each time she found an item of clothing she didn't like, or that just wasn't suitable, for a reason she couldn't explain, her use of less than polite language came in to play, but, Cristina mused, at least she was imaginative. It wasn't everyone who kept a duck in the back of their closet, or rather, it _sounded_ like duck. Something about the look on Meredith's face when she emerged from a tangle of hangers and dresses that looked as if they had never been worn, prevented even Cristina from checking. Meredith Grey was obviously nervous.

'I don't know, Derek wouldn't say.' Meredith replied between gritted teeth. 'Which is why I can't decide what to wear. I mean, we might be going somewhere expensive and classy, so a dress would be right, but then again, knowing Derek, we might end up watching the sunset over the ferryboats, in which case a dress would just look stupid, and I'd freeze.'

Meredith's mind was drawn to another time with Derek when they'd watched the ferryboats, except that was a sunrise, and the idea had been all hers, not that Derek had put up much resistance. They'd come straight out of work, in driving rain, and headed straight for the ferryboats. They'd spent the last few remaining hours of the night having sex in her car, fooling around and laughing at everything and nothing, passing a bottle of something back and forth between them. Then, as the sun began to rise, they got out of the car, and with Derek holding her in his arms, his nose peeking out through strands of Meredith's hair, they watched night turn to day. It was beautiful, Meredith remembered. The golden light streaming over the water, the ferryboats sparkling like diamonds in a sea of burnished gold, the sky, clear after the storm, turning slowly from a deep blue, to a rich red, dappled with almost purple clouds. In the distance, a bright orange pool heralded the dawn, the city below silhouetted black as if still waiting for someone to turn the colour on.

That, Meredith thought, was effectively their first date, or rather, it was the beginning of them. It was when she let her guard down and stopped trying to resist what she knew was happening between her and Derek, this thing that pulled her to him, even against her better judgement. It was before Addison or any of the rest of it. That, Meredith admitted to herself, was what terrified her about tonight, not what she was going to wear, or even the thought that somewhere Derek might have another wife hidden away, but the thought of that one perfect moment when it had all seemed so simple. It had all blown up when Addison arrived and Derek chose her. There was so much at stake this time around, even without voicing it in so many words, they both knew it was true. But what if it went wrong again?

'Why would you watch the sunset over the ferryboats?' Cristina smirked disparagingly, dragging Meredith from her thoughts. 'That would be sappy even for McDreamy.' She sat up and moved towards the edge of the bed. 'I mean, they're just ferryboats, even if McDreamy does have a _thing_ for them.'

Meredith smiled indulgently, turning away from the pile of clothes that now littered her bedroom floor and looking at her person. 'I think maybe you just had to be there, it's kind of hard to explain it.'

Cristina smirked even more. 'Oh I get it, you and McDreamy on a ferryboat, say no more.'

Meredith glared, catching on to what Cristina was saying. 'Cristina, this is nothing to do with….We've never….I would never…on a ferryboat, seriously?' She shook her head, trying to push away the mental image. The _interesting_ mental image, but still, definitely just a mental image.

Cristina Yang laughed out loud. 'You expect me to believe, _me_ that is, that you and McDreamy have never done it on a ferryboat, seriously?'

Meredith shook her head, 'We have _never_….' Before she could stop it, the look on Cristina's face made Meredith dissolve into giggles. She grabbed a handful of clothes and threw them at the other woman. 'Oh just shut up and help me find something to wear!'

Cristina frowned, standing and approaching Meredith's closet as if it held something repulsive. 'How can I help, you of all people know that I don't do clothes and fashion and all things girly and Izzie-like?' She eyed the closet warily.

Meredith smothered a bubble of laughter. 'You're my person, and in the absence needing to help me drag a body across the living room floor, I need you to help me find something to wear on this date with Derek…..Please,' she added, doing her best to look innocent.

Cristina glared, 'How about I help you kill Derek and make it look like an accident so you won't need to find something to wear on this date because he'll be dead, and then I'll help you drag his body across the living room floor?' Her expression was absolutely deadpan.

'Well, if I can't find something to wear soon that might just have to be Plan B.' Meredith replied dryly, before both women burst out laughing.

An hour later Meredith went downstairs wearing a pair of black trousers and a light sweater. She was ready. Her hair was loose around her shoulders, she wore a little light make up, just to hide the fact that she worked long hours and ridiculous shifts that weren't exactly conducive to not having bags under the eyes.

Finding something to wear had been exhausting. She'd only just narrowly avoided Cristina pulling out a particular black dress from the closet. It was the dress she'd worn the night of the mixer at the hospital, the night before her internship began. It was the dress she was wearing later that night, when, escaping to Joe's, she'd met Derek, who then ended up going home with her. In the circumstances, Meredith decided the dress wouldn't be right. She reminded Cristina that she didn't know where they were going so a dress might not be such a good idea, then she reached in herself and pulled out a pair of smart but casual black trousers. They seemed ideal, tidy enough to look right if they went anywhere classy, but appropriate if they ended up sitting in the open for at least a couple of hours. From there it was easy enough to find a light grey sweater to wear and she was ready.

Meredith barely had time to sit down in the kitchen before there was a knock on the front door. Her heart turned over for just a second. 'That'll be Derek', she sighed to Cristina, who sat at the table drinking a cup of coffee.

Cristina put her cup down on the table. 'Well, are you going to let him in, or do you want me to go?' She struggled to hold back an urge to roll her eyes. Honestly, it was just a date with Shepherd, she thought. Why was Meredith behaving like a deer staring into the headlights of an oncoming truck? 'Look Mer, if you don't want to go, just tell him, or better still, let me tell him, I could do with….'

'I do want to go, it's just….' Meredith cut across Cristina's outburst before running out of words. Why was this so hard, she asked herself for what seemed like the hundredth time. It was just Derek and her going out or whatever, on a date. A real date. Without sex, or the prospect of sex, and certainly without the prospect of another potential boyfriend turning up offering gifts of strawberry ice-cream made by a patient, or patients owner. It was just Derek and her. It was Derek and her, and it was terrifying.

'What?' Cristina demanded at last. Then she looked at Meredith again, seeing the anxiety in the way she was sat, rigid and staring out into the hallway as if a monster was waiting out there for her. Cristina got up and went to the breakfast bar where Meredith was sitting. She faced her friend. 'Tell me,' she said softly.

Meredith sighed heavily, her shoulders heaving. Then, dragging her attention away from the hallway, she looked into Cristina's dark eyes, she saw the patience there, the understanding, as if Cristina already knew what the problem was. 'It's just, what if we don't have anything to say to each other? What if we spend the entire time in some restaurant hiding behind our menus because we don't have anything to say, or one of us says something the other doesn't like and we spend the time fighting over something stupid, or we find we've got absolutely nothing in common and all this time we've just been kidding ourselves and it's all just….' Meredith stopped, running out of words. She took a deep breath.

Cristina shook her head. 'Okay, feeling better now?' She asked the question calmly, as if watching Meredith fall into panic mode was an every day occurrence.

Meredith sighed again and took in another deep breath. Strangely, after all that, she did feel better, she was still nervous, but it wasn't so consuming as before. 'I think so.' Just at that there was another knock on the front door. Meredith's eyes flicked back to the hallway. Her heart gave another lurch. She pulled herself together, telling herself she was being ridiculous. 'I think I'd better go and let him in.' She stood, pushing her stool back under the breakfast bar.

'You do that.' Cristina said wryly. Panic averted, she thought, for now.

Meredith went to the front door, opened it and came face to face with Derek Shepherd. He was leaning casually on the door frame. Meredith took a second to check his appearance. Like herself, he was casually dressed, wearing a slightly faded pair of jeans, a sweater, and beneath that, a white shirt. It was the sort of thing she'd seen him wear hundreds of times, especially when he finished a shift and needed to change out of his scrubs. Meredith knew that some women might have been disappointed he wasn't wearing a suit and so was likely to take her somewhere special, but all she felt was relief. Her own outfit looked okay after all. She'd got something right.

'Hey', Derek said after a few seconds of allowing Meredith to study him. He couldn't miss the anxious look in her eyes as she pulled the front door open, before they suddenly shone with something else a second later…relief, it looked like. Derek took in the way she looked. Her hair was flowing over shoulders. The light grey sweater she was wearing was thin enough to show off her curves, her trousers did the same, clinging just closely enough to show her figure. She looked edible.

'Hey', Meredith replied, seeing the warm expression creeping over Derek's features. His eyes bore into hers, the lids slightly lowered, in the way that always made her heart race. 'How are you?' she asked, swallowing hard as a familiar rush of heat passed through her. She forced it away. She couldn't think like that, not now. It was just that he was so close, she told herself, and, since he'd seen Dr. Matherson and was given the news that there was nothing physically wrong with him and that they just needed to spend time together and talk, Derek had been staying in the trailer.

On that first night after his appointment with Dr. Matherson, Derek had given Meredith a lift home. They'd tried to make light earlier, at the hospital, about dating, making fun, without saying it, of the way they had never really done that before, at least not with each other. But, even then, Meredith was afraid, scared of the idea of a relationship with Derek that didn't consist of sex. It wasn't that she didn't want it, she knew that, the way she felt about Derek would be the same without sex. The problem, the thing that scared her, was him. Would he still want her knowing that sex wasn't part of the equation? So many times in their relationship, they'd depended on sex. When they fought they made up between the sheets. When words seemed too scary to say out loud, they touched, a physical act of showing feelings that couldn't be voiced. Meredith knew too, sex with Derek, for her, was a way of being close to him, it was a way she told herself, that for a time they were equal, because Derek needed her every bit as much as she needed him. Then there was that time after, in his arms, their bodies entwined, when she felt safe. Derek was there, with her, it was just them in the whole world. Nothing was standing between them. They were, in every sense, naked with each other, and it was all right. Meredith wondered how she would feel so secure without it.

Meredith remembered the drive home that night. They were silent, the only sound coming from the Lexus as it purred through the city. The rhythmic clicking of the indicators and squeaking of the rubber on the windscreen wipers providing a soundtrack for their thoughts.

When Derek pulled up outside Meredith's house she went to open the door on her side. She was stopped by Derek's hand brushing the arm nearest to him. She turned and looked into his eyes, forcing a smile.

'Look, I won't come in, I think I'll just stay at the trailer for now.' Derek smiled softly as he said it.

Meredith's heart sank. This was it. They were effectively apart again and they hadn't even started dating yet. She felt vaguely sick, though a voice inside told her that she knew this would happen, and maybe it was better now than later. 'Oh….Okay' She knew her reply was lame, it came out as a high pitched squeak of a thing, rather than the confident reply she'd attempted.

Derek seemed to see what Meredith was thinking. He reached for her hand, slowly caressing her fingers. 'It's just…If I stay, we'll sleep together, and if we sleep in the same bed I just….'

Meredith could see what Derek was saying. 'You think I won't be able to keep my hands to myself, is that it?' She smiled, trying to turn it into a joke, hoping she didn't sound too desperate to keep him with her, or too demanding, which would be as bad.

Derek grinned, his eyes lighting up. The brush of his hand against her figures switched from something that felt like a comforting gesture, to something else, something much more adult. 'Believe me, it isn't you I'm worried about.' He sighed heavily, before he went on, 'It's me, and while I can't, and if we want to try taking a step back for a while, I think I should do it right, and doing it right means me staying at the trailer and you staying in your house, so that when we go on our first date, I can come and pick you up and then I can bring you back at the end of the evening, and you can invite me in for coffee and I can say no, but that won't stop me getting out of the car with you, just so I can kiss you goodnight on your doorstep.'

Meredith listened, mesmerised by what Derek was saying. Part of her knew he was just being sappy, saying the right thing at the right moment, like he always seemed to do, but another part of her took in every word, held on to it, refused to let it go, even when it was reminded firmly that Derek was good with pretty words until it mattered. In that moment she was back at the hospital with him, watching him as he tried to convince her, and maybe himself, that Matherson might be right, and he wanted to try. For that one moment, it was enough.

'I'm good, how about you, and…can I come in?'

Derek's voice cut across Meredith's train of thought. She blinked, focusing on him again. He was still on the doorstep, leaning against the frame, but looking slightly concerned. Shaking herself, Meredith stood aside and Derek came in.

Meredith followed Derek into the kitchen. 'Cristina helped me decide what to wear, I couldn't make up my mind, because I didn't know where we're going,' she supplied, more to fill in a gap than anything else. Butterflies were taking over her stomach again.

Derek looked her up and down, ignoring Cristina, who was watching the two with avid attention whilst sipping on another cup of coffee . 'You look great, perfect for what I have in mind.' He smiled warmly, giving nothing away.

Meredith saw a glint in his eyes, something that told her he was hiding something. 'Which is what exactly?' She tried not to sound too anxious. In the corner of her eye she could just make out Cristina rolling her eyes. She knew exactly what her friend was thinking. Derek's secrecy wasn't doing anything to dispel her nerves, if anything, he was making it worse.

Derek Shepherd grinned. 'Oh well, I thought we could just go out and have some fun and then we could find somewhere and have dinner, if that's okay?'

He looked hopeful, as if nothing mattered to him in that moment other than Meredith going along with his plans. She could do dinner, she thought. They'd had dinner together a few times, usually at the trailer, but they had been out a couple of times too. It was the other part that worried her. 'Fun?' She asked, trying not to sound too hysterical. 'What sort of fun?' Something was gnawing at the pit of Meredith's stomach, something that told her that whatever he had in mind, it would be weird. He looked far too pleased with himself.

Derek grinned even harder, almost splitting his face in two, Meredith thought. Just for a split second she hoped he would, then she could spend the evening suturing him back together, and they could give whatever was making him grin like that a miss. She pushed the thought away. Besides, she reminded herself, if Derek did that, Cristina would jump in with the stitches so fast that no one else would stand a chance, even her.

'I'm taking you bowling.' Derek said, still grinning wildly.

Meredith felt her mouth drop open. She gaped at Derek, unable to say a word. The only noise in the room was the sound of someone choking on a mouthful of coffee.

**A/N Well, there we are. My first new chapter in…well, ages. I hope it's okay. I just felt the need to do something that set things back up again, especially since it has been a long while. I'll know if you like it if you review….please?**


	31. Chapter 29

**A/N I'm not going to bother with an apology for taking so long to get this going, mainly because I don't know why it has taken so long. I just didn't seem to be able to get my head around the chapter, and then when I could, I couldn't find time to write it. My statement that the whole thing would be over by the time the season finale rolled around was clearly ridiculous. My long spell of illness must have damaged my brain! Still, I'm well now, almost completely, and I have a voice back at last, so life is good. I can focus more on writing again, and not before time.**

**I loved the fourth season finale. It was great to see Meredith and Derek beginning to work things out. I have a feeling season five will be great. My thanks to those of you who read and reviewed my little one-shot Light, which continues on from the finale. I'm intending to add another chapter to it, but not on here. I have a LiveJournal now, and so some of my stuff will be found on gafanfic. As the second chapter of Light is likely to be a little more mature than the first, I am putting it on there. I just don't feel like altering the rating for it on here, I like it where it is. **

**Just to reiterate, I now have a LiveJournal, which I intend to use to keep you up-to-date with the progress of my writing. I also want to use it for all my Grey's Anatomy ramblings, and probably my thoughts on lots of other things. You can find a link to my LiveJournal on my profile.**

**Anyway, onward! At least this long 'off' spell has given me a chance to work out most of the rest of the way with this. I hope you'll stick around for the remainder of the journey. For now, I'll leave you with this, a long overdue new chapter. Please, read, review, and enjoy.**

It took at least another twenty minutes to get out of the house after Derek turned up and announced his plans for the evening. For most of that time Meredith was sure she must have been in shock. All she could hear in her head was Derek's voice as he cheerfully declared he was taking her bowling, looking at her with an expression on his face that implied that he thought he'd come up with a brilliant idea for their first date, or rather, their first date that wouldn't finish with, begin with, or include in any way, shape or whatever, sex. Meredith tried to push away a thought that maybe the idea of dating again - she had to clamp down even harder on a little voice that insisted on whispering '_at his age_' in her ear – had gone to Derek's head and he was trying to live out some sort of fantasy, one where they were teenagers going out as a couple for the first time, rather than two adults who were trying to figure out how they could be together without the one part of the relationship that really seemed to work. That was the only explanation she could think of for why he would come up with something so…_So_…Meredith couldn't even think of a word. It was just too weird.

Meredith had been dragged out of her increasingly confused thoughts by Cristina, who, witnessing Derek's arrival, and announcement of where they were going, choked on a mouthful of coffee. Meredith told herself, kindly, she thought, that the choking accounted for the tears that were running from Cristina's eyes. The violent shaking in her shoulders was probably due to the same thing, a muscle spasm from the coughing or something. She refused to believe that her friend, her _person_, would be laughing at the idea of her and Derek going _bowling_. The illusion was shattered when Cristina, who obviously decided that she'd had enough entertainment for the evening, left, leaving a small puddle of coffee on the kitchen floor in her wake. As Meredith watched her go, it was obvious that Cristina Yang was struggling to keep a straight face. Meredith had to admit, if only to herself, Cristina might have a point. The idea of her, Meredith Grey, going bowling, was probably funny, or it should be, to any sane, normal person. Derek clearly wasn't normal. He actually thought this was a good idea. It was written all over his face. He was definitely weird.

Meredith probably spent too long wiping up the remains of the coffee Cristina managed to spill. She could see Derek in the corner of her eye as she knelt on the kitchen floor with a cloth in her hand, rubbing furiously at an imaginary stain. It was only when she heard him sigh loudly that she realised what she was doing. Discarding the cloth quickly, she got up, it was time to go.

They were about to go through the front door when they bumped into Izzie, who was just coming in from work. There was an uncomfortable moment when all three of them stood staring at one another, each waiting for someone else to say or do something that would make this easier.

The three of them hadn't really spent that much time together since Izzie helped to tell everyone at Seattle Grace about the problem Derek was having, after she'd listened in on Meredith confiding in Cristina. Since then Meredith had struggled to find a way to forgive Izzie for what she'd done, knowing the damage it could so easily have caused, so she found herself only really speaking to Izzie when she had to, at work. Derek had been staying at the trailer since his appointment with Dr. Matherson, so he and Izzie didn't meet up so often. Meredith knew that as much as he would have liked to have kept Izzie out of his surgeries indefinitely, he couldn't justify it. What Izzie had done was personal, it bore no real relation to her work, so, after a brief period when Derek would have any resident in his O.R. other than Izzie Stevens, he'd had to take her back. He did so, but did it in such a way that she was under no illusions about where she stood. Derek made no conversation with her, other than to ask her questions about whatever procedure they were doing. In short, he was prepared to teach her, as her Attending that was his job, but he would do no more than that. For her own part, Izzie still tried to get back into Meredith's good graces, baking and cleaning at home, but she also tried to stay out of the way as much as possible, working extra hours at the hospital when she could, to give Meredith some space, and keeping things purely professional with Derek, only really talking to him in the O.R. to answer questions or follow instructions, which she was careful to do, to the letter.

In the end, after several long seconds of silence, when the atmosphere could have been cut with a knife, it was Derek, who, grinning broadly, practically dragged Meredith through the front door, announcing to Izzie that they were going bowling. Izzie Stevens barely had time to reply 'Oh, I love bowling!,' her face lighting up at the unexpected interaction, before Meredith found herself in the passenger seat of Derek's Lexus.

'Well, that wasn't at all awkward,' Meredith said sardonically, as Derek joined her in the car and pulled away from the house.

Derek took his eyes off the road for a second, glancing at Meredith, before turning back to concentrate. 'No, I thought for a second there she might ask to come with us, once I told her where we're going.'

.

The comment reminded Meredith why they were in the car. The discomfort of those few short minutes with Izzie had distracted her, taken her mind off it. She didn't reply, instead she put her hands in her lap and tried to focus on the streets as they passed by. It didn't help. Soon she was fiddling nervously with her fingers, rubbing her thumb over her fingertips as if she was mentally counting something, then, when she realised what she was doing she stopped, only to start chewing on her lips. It didn't take long before Meredith sensed she was being watched. She turned her head and saw Derek giving her a sidelong glance, his brow furrowed in concern.

'Is everything all right?' he asked. He took in the way Meredith seemed unable to sit still. 'You seem a little….'

'I'm fine.' Meredith replied automatically, cutting across him abruptly, almost a little too quickly. 'I'm absolutely….Fine.' She knew her tone sounded anything but fine, but for now she hoped Derek wouldn't push.

'I was joking about Izzie you know,' Derek supplied, his attention still on Meredith, even if every few seconds his eyes flicked to the road in front of them. Meredith mentally cursed his ability to multi-task, wishing that just this once he would just shut up and drive. 'I don't suppose she would have wanted to come with us even if we'd asked.' Derek smiled brightly before turning his attention back to the road completely.

'What?' Meredith frowned, realising that she hadn't really been listening. Her mind was still focused on pretending to be fine when it was obvious she wasn't.

Derek glanced at Meredith again, this time feeling something deeper than concern. Something was wrong here but he couldn't work out what it might be. Something began to take root in his gut, a feeling, of what he wasn't sure, but he knew it was nothing good. 'I said I was joking about Izzie wanting to come with us, I don't suppose she wanted to really, after all, I'm only talking to her at work, and you….'

He tried to joke to lighten the mood which was suddenly less than cheerful. Something inside nagged at him that the mood had actually been less than cheerful since he'd arrived on Meredith's doorstep and had to stand and wait for her to open the door, but he forced the thought away. Something was definitely wrong now though, and somehow he had to figure it out. He had a feeling Meredith wasn't going to tell him.

'Oh, I don't know, maybe we could have taken Izzie along, after all, she apparently _loves_ bowling.' Meredith knew she was sounding ridiculous, like a teenager throwing a tantrum, but, she reasoned, in the circumstances, she was justified.

Something clicked into place in Derek's mind. Bowling. Meredith didn't like bowling. She was upset or angry, or whatever it was that was in her head, because he'd just strolled in and announced that he was taking her bowling, and she hated it.

Since his appointment with Dr. Matherson Derek had tried to think of something he and Meredith could do together on a date. He'd thought of booking a table at a restaurant, perhaps one of the fancy places in town, or perhaps getting tickets for a movie or maybe a show. He dismissed the ideas almost immediately, deciding they were too obvious. Instead, he thought, they could do something simple and have fun, and then, if they wanted to, they could go on after and have something to eat at one of the small restaurants where Meredith would feel most comfortable because the food would be within her price range. He would pay, of course, but Meredith was independent, she liked being able to pay her own way if she wanted to, without having to re-mortgage her house to do it. Derek knew Meredith wasn't exactly poor, her mother had been one of the most successful surgeons in the country, with a massive earning potential, but he also knew that Ellis's early-onset Alzheimer's, and the necessity for long-term care, must have eaten its way through any savings she had, which meant that on her death there probably wasn't much for Meredith, so she was living on a second year resident's salary, plus Izzie's, and Karev's rent. It wasn't a huge amount. They'd never talked about it, it was one of the many things neither had ever brought up, but Derek knew from his own memories of residency, the hours were long and the money wasn't good. It was natures way of making sure that new doctors were in it for the right reasons, he mused, and it was perverse.

Derek was distracted from his thoughts of Meredith's finances when he took a second to glance at her again. She was sat staring out of the windscreen, but by looking at her, it was obvious she wasn't taking much notice of where they were going. She was fiddling with her fingers again, clenching and unclenching her hands as if she was trying to work out a knot in a muscle. Far from being relaxed and ready to go out and enjoy herself, she seemed as if she was filled with tension. She seemed nervous in a way he'd never known before. Quickly making a decision, Derek indicated, pulled in to the kerb and turned the Lexus's engine off. They were supposed to be talking, he told himself, so there was no time like the present. He turned in his seat, the leather creaking as he moved so he could face Meredith more, then he waited.

It took Meredith a few seconds to realise that they weren't moving. One minute she was looking out, watching the quiet suburbs change into the busy city, her mind trying to focus on the soft hum the Lexus made as it moved, instead of the wild beating of her heart, the next the car was still, the engine was silent. The only thing she knew was that Derek's eyes were on her. Even though she was still looking straight ahead, she knew. She could feel him watching her. She knew he was waiting for something. After a long pause when she considered sitting there and letting him wait all night, she found her voice. 'Why have we stopped?' she asked, keeping her eyes where they were, focused straight ahead, on something on the horizon. She couldn't make herself look at him. Meredith knew that if she turned and faced him, Derek would know something was wrong, and she didn't want him to know, because he wouldn't get it and….

Derek almost started when Meredith spoke. As much as he was waiting for her to say something, he'd expected it to take a while. Now, while she hadn't said anything much, she had given him an opening. He sighed, wishing she would look at him. When he realised she wasn't going to, at least not yet, he took his chance. 'We don't have to go you know, not if you don't want to. I mean, if you really hate it that much we could just have dinner somewhere, or maybe see a movie or….anything.' He struggled for that last word, unable to think of anything else they could do, especially at short notice.

Derek almost jumped again when Meredith suddenly turned in her seat, her head jerking around to face him. 'What?' Her brow creased incredulously. She stared at him. 'What did you….?' The rest of her question was lost. She clamped her mouth shut abruptly.

'I said we don't have to go bowling, not if you hate it so much.' Derek looked into Meredith's eyes now. He could see everything there, everything she felt, or seemed to feel, was staring back at him. That being the case, he thought, why did he get the feeling he still didn't know what was going on in her mind, beyond the fact that she seemed to hate bowling?

Meredith shook her head. She knew he would pick up on something being wrong, he always did. She almost congratulated herself that he hadn't got it entirely right. 'I don't hate bowling', she admitted softly, before turning her face away to look back out through the windscreen.

Derek's brows arched quizzically. 'So, if you don't hate bowling why are you being so….?' He couldn't think of a word, at least not one that wouldn't provoke a reaction. Whatever happened, he didn't want the night ending in a fight. The last thing they needed he thought, was to go on a proper date and end up fighting before they'd even got there. If that happened it really didn't say much about their relationship. Unable to find a word that fit, he shut up. He didn't realise until it was too late that shutting up was the wrong thing to do. Entirely the wrong thing.

'So what, Derek?' Meredith responded almost immediately. 'So stupid? So childish? So freakin' juvenile, ha!' She laughed scornfully, her eyes, as she turned to Derek again, burning furiously. 'You're the one who wants to go freakin' bowling Derek, not me!'

Derek listened as Meredith ranted. He was rapidly getting the feeling that somewhere, somehow, he had missed something. It was like reading a book where the story seemed to fit together until it suddenly didn't, as if you'd got so far before you realised that half the pages were missing right from the middle. It was like having a beginning and an end, but all the part in between, all the bit that made the rest make sense, just wasn't there. 'What is the big deal about bowling Meredith?' He hated the way the question came out as a demand. He just couldn't work out what to do with her when she was like this, all uptight and angry, for a reason he just couldn't see.

Meredith glared at him. 'There is no big deal about bowling! Come on, let's just go, let's just get it over with!'

She may as well have kicked him. Derek felt her words right in his guts. She thought their date was something to be got over, as if it was something bad she really didn't want to deal with. 'Well, I'm really glad you're looking forward to it so much, thanks for the vote of confidence!' He couldn't help it, her words had stung him, he reacted to them instinctively. 'Maybe we should just forget the whole thing and I should just take you home!' He knew he was yelling now, but at that moment, he didn't care.

'MAYBE YOU SHOULD!' Meredith yelled back even louder, her face flushing with fury. She couldn't believe him sometimes, she told herself. Could he really not see why she was reacting like this? Couldn't he get that he was taking for granted she would enjoy something he obviously did purely because _he_ enjoyed it? Couldn't he get that she was already nervous about their date without the added pressure of being pushed into doing something that she had never done in her life before? Couldn't he get that they would be surrounded by kids, all of whom would be better at this thing than she, a grown woman, would ever be? Then, as she sat there, her blood simmering, Meredith realised. No, Derek didn't get any of those things. Worse than that, he didn't get them because _she_ hadn't told him. Sure, he had made an assumption about what she might enjoy doing, but only because he didn't know any better. She suddenly realised how close to the truth her words were to Cristina before they left.

'……._or we find we've got absolutely nothing in common and all this time we've just been kidding ourselves and it's all just_….'

The words she'd spoken replayed in Meredith's mind. Maybe it was right, she told herself. Maybe they really did have nothing in common and they were seeing it now. Oh, she reasoned, she knew they had different taste in music, but that had seemed such a little thing. With all the drama they'd been through the fact that he preferred The Clash over Duran Duran seemed like nothing. Now though, with this, it seemed huge and Derek couldn't see it. He couldn't see why she was making such a big deal out of this, and, if she was honest, suddenly, neither could she. The only thing she could see was that Derek had all but said he would take her home. She really didn't want to go home. She knew she had to tell him what was on her mind, why this had become such a big deal. 'I don't…I don't want to go home,' she admitted at last, taking a deep, calming breath. It made her feel better.

Derek's own anger immediately died. Suddenly he realised what he had just done and he didn't like it. Meredith had freaked out in exactly the way he had known she would over this dating thing, and instead of trying to help her, or admit that he was nervous too, he had yelled and fuelled the situation. Meredith had hurt his feelings when she'd seemed to dismiss their night out almost as something bad, but that didn't excuse his reaction. He sighed. This dating thing wasn't easy. He looked into her eyes. 'Good, because I don't want to take you home.' He smiled, sensing the change in the mood. 'But I meant what I said before,' he went on, reaching out and taking one of Meredith's hands in his, 'if you don't want to go bowling, if you really hate it, we can do something else. I really don't care what we do as long as I get to spend some time with you.' He gave her one of what she had often called _their_ looks, hoping that she wouldn't take it as an attempt to persuade her, but to send her a signal that this was all right. They'd had a small fight, and now it was finished. They could do this.

Meredith sensed the change in the atmosphere in the car. Whereas before it was tense and uncomfortable, now it was okay. They'd had a fight, they'd both yelled, but Derek wasn't turning round and taking her home, and he hadn't dumped her out of the car and told her to get lost. Maybe this would be all right after all. 'I don't hate bowling,' she repeated her words of a few minutes before. 'At least, I don't know if I hate it.'

Derek's brow creased in confusion. 'How do you not know you hate something?'

Meredith met Derek's confused expression. She didn't say anything. She watched Derek's face as he struggled to understand what she was trying to tell him. Somehow she knew he would get it. Right on cue his mouth opened, though he didn't speak. He looked almost as if a light had come on in his mind. If Meredith looked hard enough she swore that she could almost see one of those bulbs over his head, a bright yellow one that cartoonists used to show that someone had got an idea.

Derek shook his head in disbelief. Of all the things he could have chosen for them to do, he had to pick the one thing that Meredith had never….. 'You've never been bowling.' He knew he wasn't asking a question. He knew.

Meredith took in the stunned expression Derek's face. 'No, I've never been bowling.' Her words came out softly, as if the admission was a terrible thing.

Derek shuddered. Suddenly he got it. Meredith was already nervous, he'd known that right from the moment she'd answered her front door, and he'd breezed in and told her that he was taking her bowling, taking it for granted that she would be okay with the idea. He remembered how she'd stared at him as if he was crazy, before Cristina had choked on her coffee and distracted her. 'I didn't know,' he admitted, suddenly feeling as if he knew almost nothing about the woman beside him. He promised himself that he would change that. He was going to find out everything about her.

Meredith shook her head. 'No, you didn't know, and seeing as I didn't know what you had planned for tonight, I couldn't tell you. I mean, I couldn't just turn around and tell you not to arrange for us to go bowling because I've never done it before, and I didn't like the idea of making a complete fool of myself in front of hundreds of high school kids when they see that I'm a complete fool who's never done something they've all been doing forever, and I'm really bad at it to boot, could I?'

Derek sighed heavily, shocked by how much Meredith had just admitted. 'I just wanted to do something I thought would be fun. I thought we could just go out and have some fun like other couples do, without it having to be heavy and difficult. I thought you'd enjoy it. I thought once we've had enough of the bowling we could grab something to eat somewhere, maybe somewhere casual, where we can talk. I didn't know you've never been bowling, or that it would be such a big deal for you, I'm sorry.' He really couldn't believe he'd got this so wrong.

Meredith smiled. Derek had apologised. He really looked genuinely sorry. 'You didn't deny that we'll be surrounded by high school kids, or that I'll be really bad at it,' she pointed out, in a tone that made it obvious she wasn't being serious. She smiled even wider.

In response, Derek beamed. 'Actually, I think you'd be surprised,' he said, picking up on how Meredith's mood had brightened. 'All sorts of people go bowling, it's not just kids. A lot of couples do it, certainly a lot of adults. It's just a fun way to relax and burn off steam, it really isn't just for kids, I swear.'

Meredith mock glared, 'See, you still haven't said I'll be good at it!'

'Of course you'll be good at it, I'm going to teach you how it's done….If you want to go, that is,' he added, his tone more serious. It was suddenly really important to Derek that they do this together, but he wasn't going to push her, he'd done that already this evening he told himself, and it had nearly ruined everything.

Meredith blinked. 'You're going to teach me to bowl, seriously?'

Derek smiled softly at her reaction. He loved her when she was surprised like this. Actually, he told himself, he loved her all the time, but at moments like this, when she was trying to get her mind around an idea, these were the times when he knew he loved her the most. 'Absolutely seriously', he replied.

'And we won't be surrounded by little kids who seem determined to be better at it than me, you promise?'

Derek mentally amended his previous thought. It was in _these_ moments he loved her most, the times when she actually looked to him for reassurance. They didn't happen very often, but when they did it made him feel incredible. 'I promise.'

'Okay then,' Meredith sighed, 'let's go bowling.'

Derek turned the ignition on, indicated, and drove.

The two spent the rest of the journey into the city either in comfortable silence, or passing easy conversation. They both began to see that they'd been on edge when they got in the car. A fight had almost been inevitable. Still, Derek made a mental note to ask Meredith what she wanted to do next time he took her out, because in his mind, even after the mess he'd made, there was definitely going to be a next time. He still couldn't believe how badly he'd almost messed up. He knew Meredith hated to be surprised, and he'd come up with the plan for the evening without even asking her opinion, and in the process he'd managed to scare her by finding the one thing she'd never done in her life before. Sometimes, he told himself, he really was stupid.

Meredith sat back in her seat. She wished now that she could have just told Derek she'd never been bowling right away. Instead, she'd used the nerves she already felt about the evening to turn the thought of it into something enormous, when really, it was nothing. She was still a little nervous, she knew that, even now she wondered how the rest of the evening would go, if they would run out of things to say to each other, or if she really would end up being really bad at the bowling and Derek would get frustrated with her for being so terrible at something he obviously enjoyed, or had enjoyed at some point. Suddenly she realised it might have been a while since he'd been bowling, she couldn't see that he would have had time lately, not with his schedule at the hospital, and other things. She made a mental note to ask him later, when they ran out of things to talk about.

A little later, when the sun was beginning to dip low in the sky, Derek eased the car into a parking space at the bowling alley. Meredith looked across at the building, noting that it looked a lot like a cross between an aircraft hangar and a cinema. She could tell that the building, though it looked fairly small from the front, probably went quite a way back. It was a modern building, with a sort of opaque white plastic roof that seemed quite high. Meredith could tell that sound would echo through the cavernous space, and the ceiling, being so white, would reflect light really well, even at this time of night. Meredith could just make out a number of doors, which must lead, she thought, into some sort of foyer or something.

'Are you sure you really don't mind doing this, because we could still go somewhere else if you really….'

Derek's voice interrupted Meredith's first look at the bowling alley. She shook her head, taking her eyes off the building to look at him. 'No, I don't want to go anywhere else,' she smiled at him brightly. 'Besides, you said you'd teach me, and you know you love it when you get a chance to show me how good you are at things.'

Derek's mouth fell open. He knew usually Meredith's choice of words would have him reaching for her, to whisper something in her ear that would make her shiver in response, something about showing her later one of the things he was really good at. He knew he couldn't do that, not now. Instead, he grinned. 'Are you implying that I like to show off in front of you?'

Meredith giggled at Derek's expression. As soon as she'd said the words she wondered how he would take them. She hadn't meant to sound like she was teasing him, leading him on, but she knew that was probably exactly what she did sound like. It was just that since they'd fought, a lot of her nerves about the evening had almost gone, and she'd realised that she was there, with him, and he was going to show her how to do this thing she'd never done before. She had a mental image of him approaching it like a surgery, when he would do something, getting her involved and asking her things about the procedure, while he remained in control of everything. The idea had rooted so deeply in her mind she'd relaxed and, when he asked if she was still okay with this, she'd replied almost automatically. She could tell by the way his mouth had just dropped open, she'd caught him off-guard. Then, after a few seconds when he seemed to be thinking about what to say in reply, he sat there grinning at her, looking smug, and arrogant, and…..well, like Derek. She couldn't help feeling relieved. They were okay. They could do this.

Meredith took in Derek as he sat there, still grinning, waiting for her to say something. 'Well, you know,' she deadpanned, 'if the cap fits the thing or whatever.'

Derek couldn't help it. He fought to hold his laughter back, but it was too much. Soon he was laughing out loud, his sides aching with it. He laughed even louder as Meredith reached out and punched him, before she spoke, saying something about it being rude to laugh at your date. He sobered up in an instant, wiping his eyes. 'I wasn't laughing _at_ you, you know that, right?' He straightened his face, looking into her eyes.

Meredith could tell Derek was serious. She nodded, her breath catching at the sincerity in his deep blue eyes. 'I know that.' The two exchanged a long look. Meredith broke the spell, not really wanting to look away, but knowing they would have to move soon if they were going to do anything other than sit in the car all night. 'So, come on then Mr. Bowling Expert, come and show me how to do this.'

They got out of the car and walked, hand in hand, towards the bowling alley.

**A/N Wow, a marathon of a chapter, and it isn't over yet. I won't split this over two chapters, but I will do a second part to this one, which will cover the date. Soon, I promise. It is in my head, for the most part, as we speak. In case you're interested, I'll be putting something on my LJ that explains the chapter in more detail, why I chose to go in the direction it has gone in, and why I put myself so firmly in Meredith's shoes for this one. Anyway, more soon. Sooner if I get reviews.**


	32. Chapter 29 part two

A/N My thanks to those of you who took the time to review chapter 29, the first part, of this

**A/N My thanks to those of you who took the time to review chapter 29, the first part, of this. I realise you've all been patient and waited around for me for ages, so I understand in a way why I didn't get more reviews, just know that I am trying, the story will be completed (even if it kills me!) and I did say right at the start that it would be a marathon, not a sprint. Admittedly I didn't anticipate the marathon turning into a hundred mile hike, but there we are.**

**Just to remind you all, I'm working on commentaries now for each chapter I write, you can find them on my LiveJournal, which you can find by clicking on the link in my profile. If you check the LiveJournal out you can also find out how I'm progressing with the writing, and get an idea of when updates are on the way.**

**Anyway, we left Meredith and Derek (ages ago, I know) on the brink of bowling. Let's see how they get on, shall we? I would appreciate some feedback on this, even if it is just to tell me off for taking so long with it, so please read and review. Just remember as you read this that I, like Meredith, have never been bowling, so I've had to use some artistic license. Enjoy.**

Hand in hand Meredith and Derek walked through the parking lot towards the bowling alley. They stepped inside one of a set of four double doors, which, as Meredith suspected, brought them into a foyer. Meredith blinked to adjust her eyes. Contrary to what she'd expected, the light was dim in the entrance, which seemed separate somehow from the rest of the building. Meredith glanced around, taking in her surroundings. There were large posters on the walls behind sheets of glass framed in chrome, which glinted under the soft artificial light in the entrance, each picture showing people bowling, or doing other sporting activities, and one or two showing people in sports gear, sweating and drinking heavily from cans, whilst the sun shone down on them, giving them an untouchable, almost God-like image, which was definitely designed to sell. Some showed single images of people, clearly advertising sports clothes and the latest sports drinks available, but others showed family scenes, parents and children, all laughing and happy together, bowling or doing other sports, and looking like they actually enjoyed being together, the perfect image of a cereal commercial family. A cynical voice in Meredith's ear wondered where the poster was that showed the kid on their own because the father wasn't there and the mother was too busy for such frivolous things as bowling. Turning away from the posters, Meredith looked around again.

There was a second set of four double doors a about fifteen feet ahead of them, which must lead to the bowling alley, Meredith decided. To the left of these there was a door with a notice on it saying 'NO ENTRY TO UNAUTHORISED PERSONNEL.' Meredith wondered briefly what could be going on behind the door that was such a secret. At the hospital there were certain areas intended just for staff, where visitors, and even patients, weren't allowed for a whole load of reasons, there were other places that you weren't permitted to enter even as a member of staff until you had achieved a certain status, where entry was considered a privilege only held by a certain few, such as the Attendings, or the Chief. But here, in this place, Meredith wondered what that door was concealing. Somehow she suspected it was nothing more than a broom closet, or somewhere the staff went to sneak away for secret cigarettes in their break, or maybe somewhere couples would sneak off to for illicit sex, like the on-call rooms at the hospital.

To the right of the double doors ahead, in almost hidden away in the corner of the foyer were two doors, one with a basic design of a man on, the other marked similarly with the image of a woman, or at least, a design that resembled the man, except the lower part consisted of the bottom section of a triangle, which was clearly supposed to be a skirt. There wasn't much mystery about those two doors, Meredith mused.

Beside the entrance to the ladies toilet there was a small area where a notice said 'INFORMATION' on a tall desk-like structure, which was topped by a Perspex panel with a slot at the bottom, rather like the desks in a bank. Behind the desk, chattering away on a telephone, was a young woman who Meredith decided looked like she was probably still in High School. She was wearing a red baseball cap on her head, concealing most of her short hair, and an equally red t-shirt, which had the name of the bowling alley embroidered in thick white cotton on the left breast in a font that was scarily similar to the one used on cans of Coca-Cola. Meredith couldn't help the thought that if Cristina was here the young girl behind the desk would have become known as Cola-Girl for the rest of the evening, not that Cristina would have been found dead in a place like this, she thought dryly.

Meredith's attention was pulled away from the young girl behind the information desk when Derek suddenly released her hand. 'I just have to go to the information desk for a second and then we can get started.' He smiled cheerfully as he spoke before he turned away and went towards the dark haired girl who, as if by magic, put the telephone down she'd been chatting into very animatedly just a few seconds before. Meredith watched as the young woman smiled broadly at Derek and turned her full attention to him. She couldn't help wondering what sort of reception she would have received at the desk. She suspected the girl would have found a number of things to do before she attended to her customer. With that thought in mind Meredith found herself moving towards Derek, taking her place at his side. She knew that what she was doing was stupid, it was the closest she was ever likely to get to peeing on her territory, assuming of course that Derek was her territory to pee on she reminded herself, ignoring the fact that the idea of peeing on Derek at all, in any sense, was probably disgusting, not to mention unsanitary. Derek must have sensed that she'd moved because suddenly he turned his head to the side and smiled again. 'I just have to confirm my credit card details, I won't be a second, you could have gone ahead in, you didn't have to wait for me.'

Meredith glanced at the young woman behind the desk again who was now holding Derek's credit card in her hand as she wrote something down on a form in front of her. 'I'm fine right here, I wanted to wait for you, seeing as we're on a _date_.' She emphasised the last word, checking to see if the girl behind the desk was listening. A hint of a blush suddenly appeared on the youngster's cheeks. Meredith couldn't help the little thrill of pleasure that rushed through her. She'd obviously made her point well enough, though part of her felt bad that she'd done it at the younger woman's expense, she was probably only trying to do her job after all, she told herself, and smiling at the customers was a part of that….Maybe. 'He's going to teach me…to bowl,' she said, as if to explain her presence next to Derek, feeling ridiculous as she spoke to the girl, whose colour was only a shade or two lighter now than her t-shirt.

Pushing Derek's credit card back to him through the space in the Perspex panel in front of her, the girl turned a cheery expression towards Meredith. 'Well I hope you have fun and enjoy your evening.'

'We will', Derek replied before Meredith could say anything, slipping his credit card back into his wallet. He nodded to the young girl in thanks before he turned to Meredith and took her hand in his, eyeing her with an expression that both asked her what she'd just been doing, and told her that he already knew. 'Okay, are you ready to learn how to bowl?' he asked, his eyes staring intently down at her.

Meredith looked up at Derek, seeing the way he focused all of his attention on her. The expression on his face almost took her breath away. It told her that for now, in this moment, he was only interested in her. Meredith took it in, absorbed it, and pushed away a small voice that asked her how long he would look at her like that if other women kept smiling at him the way the girl behind the desk had done, especially now things had become complicated between them for a reason they didn't understand. How long would it be before he decided that being with her was just too much work and he got out, especially now, since they couldn't even have sex? Then, as her mind swam with a thousand thoughts that made Meredith feel like running away and hiding, she felt Derek's grip on her hand tighten almost imperceptibly. It pulled her back to herself. It reminded her that he was there, in that moment, whatever lay ahead, he was there, with her. 'I'm ready', she nodded, before they made their way through the large double doors that would lead them to the bowling alley.

As they slipped through the second set of double doors Meredith was hit by a wall of sound. Music was playing from somewhere, over speakers that made it seem as if it was coming from a tin can. The latest pop song blared out, as some girl singer Meredith recognised but couldn't name trilled her way through lyrics that made no sense unless you happened to be fifteen, to a tune that seemed to repeat itself over and over. The volume was loud, but in the large space it seemed to almost vanish amid the hubbub of voices of people, some talking and laughing in groups, others being served food from one of the many junk food stalls that lined the walls, each advertising its wears like in a market. Pizza's, hotdogs, burgers, and all other manner of fast foods were being sold and eaten. Meredith couldn't help the smile that crept over her face that Derek, Mr. Health Food Nut himself, had brought her to one place where eating badly looked like the norm.

'Are you hungry?' Derek's voice cut into Meredith's amusement. He'd watched her as she'd taken in the large space, realising immediately that bringing her to the one place where she could be guaranteed cholesterol on a plate, or worse, on a little tray that made the food inside taste and smell like plastic, was probably not his brightest idea.

Meredith turned to Derek, her eyes still shining with amusement. 'No, I'm just surprised at you, coming to a place where there's barely a sign of a lettuce leaf, is there something I should know, like you're a secret burger lover or something?' She giggled softly.

Derek saw the light in Meredith's eyes, the laughter that curved her mouth upwards, animating her whole face. 'If you recall I said I'd take you for a meal later, you don't really think I would eat all this….this….' He floundered, unable to find a word that fit, but enjoying the moment all the same. It wasn't often that Meredith was like this, relaxed and easy-going. It was a far cry from the woman he'd got in the car with less than an hour before, and even different to the woman who'd come and stood beside him at the information desk as the young receptionist checked his credit card against the details he'd left on the internet for his booking. Derek remembered how surprised he'd been when he inhaled and took in the familiar scent of her lavender conditioner so close to him, tickling the back of his throat with its heat. It acted like a beacon, making him aware of Meredith beside him even as the girl behind the counter double checked his details, all the time smiling at him as if he was the most important person in the room, which, flattering though it was, was probably something she'd been trained to do. He'd sensed Meredith's discomfort with the girl at the desk when he turned to her and told her that he wouldn't be a second, she could have gone in without him, she didn't need to wait. There was something possessive about Meredith's tone when she replied. _'I'm fine right here, I wanted to wait for you, seeing as we're on a date.'_

Derek couldn't help the way his emotions tangled up at Meredith's words. Part of him knew that she felt threatened by the situation. In Meredith's mind it was obvious, even to him, that the girl smiling at him, all teeth and eyes and forced cheerfulness, meant something, when it really didn't. In her mind this was a threat to her, something that made her feel less than she was, that made her question him. The ache in his chest that seemed to be a constant companion lately crashed into Derek, reminding him that though they were trying, Meredith still doubted him, doubted the hold she had over his heart. Another part of him felt almost giddy to think that Meredith had claimed him. Her tone clearly warned the receptionist that he was taken, that no amount of smiles and fluttering lashes would work because he was spoken for. He was hers, all hers. The thought made his blood dance through his veins. He didn't even care when the receptionist, who had just looked so cool and confident, suddenly blushed almost to the roots of her chestnut hair. He was pulled abruptly back to earth when he heard Meredith speak again, sounding almost apologetic and awkward as she explained that he was going to teach her to bowl. Derek sensed that she thought she'd embarrassed the youngster and was sorry. Meredith was kind, she wouldn't intentionally hurt anyone, he knew that, even if her kindness wasn't always reciprocated and she ended up hurt, Derek knew that basic goodness, that almost child-like way she hated seeing others hurt, probably because she knew what it felt like, had never gone away, and now she was trying to fix something she thought she'd done. He just about found the words to respond when the receptionist wished them a good evening before he was drawn back to Meredith, her lavender scent filling him again. Suddenly he wanted her to know that he was only interested in her. He wanted her to feel it, like she'd seemed to when she stepped up beside him at the desk. He grasped her hand in his as he asked her if she was ready, watching everything she felt flickering across her features, seeing her doubts and fears as clearly as ever, obliterating the certain tone she'd used before. He found himself gripping her hand tighter, as if the gesture would pull her back. It seemed to work because suddenly she seemed lighter again, as if some of the weight had been lifted off her, at least for the moment. With her hand in his she said she was ready.

'Junk?' Meredith provided, finishing off Derek's sentence for him, completely unaware that he wasn't thinking about food anymore, but was wrapped up in her. 'No, I suppose not, I mean, God forbid that you'd let so much as a gram of fat pass your lips.' She chuckled at her own joke, the low sound bubbling out of the back of her throat.

It jolted Derek out of his thoughts. He pulled himself together quickly, blinking to clear the fog from his brain. 'Mmm', he muttered, shaking his head, stirring out of the daze she'd sent him into.

Meredith sensed something weird had just happened, the distracted look on Derek's face was obvious. She frowned. 'What is it, have you changed your mind about this, decided I'll just be bad at it so you've decided not to bother, because if….'

Derek shook his head firmly, completely aware now of his surroundings. He mentally berated himself for losing himself for a moment, giving Meredith time to doubt again, but she had always done that to him he told himself, right from that first morning when he stood in her living room, pulling his clothes back on after the best night he'd had in…._forever_, and she appeared in a lilac robe, standing there, looking all kinds of awkward, struggling to remember his name, which, he had to concede, was hardly surprising, seeing as he'd only introduced himself the night before between breathless kisses and finding himself pushed against a wall in her hallway after the consumption of a lot of alcohol. Even in that moment, before any of the rest of it, he knew he could easily become addicted to her, that she had a power over him that no other woman had ever had before, or would ever again, and though she was obviously trying to get rid of him, he knew he would see her again.

It was as if the Gods were smiling down on him when he spotted her in the staffroom at the hospital later. He'd been talking to two other doctors, reminiscing on the past when he sensed someone's eyes on him. He looked up and there she was, staring at him, looking for all the world like she hoped she was dreaming before she escaped, leaving him to chase after her, which he just had to do. Then, much later, at the end of a marathon shift, he was writing notes on a successful surgery when he heard her voice. She sounded exhausted after forty-eight hours on her feet, several of which were spent with him in the O.R., but to him she was magical. The fascination he'd felt for her the night before, which pulled him towards her at the bar, the feeling of being drawn to her like a magnet that morning, when he watched her fluster her way through trying to make him leave, all vanished. He knew in one moment outside the O.R., when she was sitting there with sleep-laden eyes and tousled hair, he knew she was it. He swore she must have heard his heart race as it pumped blood to all his vital organs, except his brain it seemed, which had shut down for a while under the onslaught of emotion he would later realise could only be known as Meredith. He knew in that one moment, hardly more than a second, he knew he had fallen in love with her.

'Derek?' Meredith's voice broke into Derek's thoughts again. She was searching his face, looking for a clue as to why, all of a sudden, he wasn't moving. He saw the doubt in her eyes, the uncertainty that seemed so much a part of her, especially, he knew, when it came to him. Suddenly he knew this wasn't just about bowling anymore. This, for him at least, was sharing something with her, it was about showing her how to do something she'd never had chance to do before, it was about showing her that she could trust him, that he was there for her, that he would always be there, because really, when it came to it, he couldn't be anywhere else.

'I'm going to teach you to bowl.' He said the first words that came to mind, realising they sounded ridiculous, but not really caring, which, if he was honest, was another thing she did to him.

Meredith raised an eyebrow suspiciously, studying him for any clues as to what he was doing. When she could find nothing she chuckled nervously. 'You're going to teach me to bowl,' she echoed, still watching him for any sign of something being wrong. She watched as Derek's eyes lit up, his lips curving into a boyish grin before he shook his head and steered her towards the bowling alley.

A few minutes later Meredith and Derek were standing by what Derek assured her was their alley. Meredith looked at it, examined the shiny wooden surface of the alley itself and the ten pins which seemed to loom in the distance as if daring her to knock them down, which even if she'd never done it, she knew was the general idea. 'Okay, so what do we do now?' she asked, trying not to sound too uncertain, this was, after all, something people did for fun, she reminded herself, it wasn't supposed to be scary.

Derek saw the look on Meredith's face, the uncertainty, almost a hint of panic. He smiled reassuringly. 'Well first of all, we have to change our shoes.'

Meredith half-smiled. 'Seriously?' Her voice rose suspiciously, wondering if this was Derek's idea of a joke.

Derek nodded, 'Seriously, there are shoes for bowling, they're over there.' He pointed in the direction of a shelf where several pairs of shoes were lined up, all waiting to be claimed.

'Isn't that sort of unhygienic?' Meredith asked, after following the direction of where Derek's finger was pointing and checking out the shoes for several long seconds. 'I mean, all these shoes must have been worn by people thousands of times, what if they had something on their feet like athletes foot, or some other highly contagious thing?'

Derek didn't know whether to laugh or cry. The last thing he would have expected Meredith to stress about was footwear. He settled on another reassuring smile. 'I'm sure they're cleaned all the time Meredith, you won't be in any danger of a fungal infection, and we have to wear them, so…'

'Okay, I'm going, I'm going, but if I catch something I'm telling people you gave it to me, so prepare yourself for a lecture from Bailey.' Meredith was walking towards the offending shoes as she spoke, her voice getting further away with each word. Derek heard her well enough to know she was laughing at him, he grinned at her retreating form, saw the way her trousers clung to certain parts of her body. Suddenly he had a feeling tonight might be fun after all, especially if Meredith needed a lot of tuition that might involve him watching her from behind. The view was pretty good.

Minutes later both Meredith and Derek were wearing the shoes that were deemed appropriate for bowling, and Derek had taken Meredith through the process of choosing a bowling ball that was the right size for her. She focused on every word he said, followed him as if he was guiding her through a craniotomy. Soon she was standing there, waiting for the next instruction.

'Okay, now then, the idea is for you to roll the bowling ball in such a way that it knocks down as many pins as possible.' Derek explained himself clearly and simply, resisting the idea of getting bogged down in trying to teach Meredith all the rules at once. This was supposed to be fun, he told himself. 'You need to bend at the knees a little and allow the ball to roll away, trying to get it to curve a little so you hit as many pins in one go as you can.'

Meredith glanced at Derek, trying to decide if he'd suddenly got the idea he was out with a small child rather than an adult. She pushed the thought away, telling herself he was just trying to help. Standing for a second where he'd instructed her that she needed to be, Meredith bent slightly at the knees, allowing one foot to go behind the other so she was almost on her toes, whilst the other foot stayed in front, flat on the floor for balance. Holding the bowling ball in the way Derek had just demonstrated, her tiny fingers poking through the holes in it, she focused on the pins in front of her and imagined the journey she wanted the ball to take, then, with complete concentration, Meredith released the ball smoothly and watched it roll. Her heart began to race as she saw the ball gathering pace before she heard a crash and saw six, no, seven, pins fall to the ground. Standing upright again, she turned to Derek, who seemed to have gone very quiet. 'Did you mean like that?' she asked anxiously as she saw the slightly amazed look on his face.

Derek stood there, watching as Meredith followed his every word, just like she would in the O.R. but what he had just seen was incredible. On her first attempt Meredith had come pretty close to a strike. Derek thought back years, trying to remember how long he'd been bowling before he really got the idea of what he was doing.

'Did I do it wrong?' Meredith's voice interrupted Derek. 'Derek?'

Derek had to clear his throat before he could speak. 'No…You didn't get it wrong…It was…It was.' He couldn't find the words. He forced himself to get a grip, turning to look at Meredith straight in the eye. 'It was great, you're a natural.' He saw her look at him uncertainly. When he nodded and grinned to underline what he said was true, she seemed to light up, her face glowing at the unexpected praise.

About twenty minutes later Meredith was still having great results every time she bowled. Derek saw the way she relaxed after a while and focused all her attention on what she was doing, that same look of joy flying over her features when he told her how great she was. As for himself, he was doing really badly. He couldn't work out whether it was because he hadn't had chance to go bowling for a while, or if it was because he was enjoying watching Meredith so much that he just wasn't concentrating. He had a feeling it was a mixture of the two. He wouldn't let himself think she was better at it than him.

'You do know you can stop letting me win now, I think I've got the idea.' Meredith said eventually, as she stood aside to let Derek bowl. She'd thought at first he was trying to help, trying to boost her confidence, but now, after all this time he was still trailing behind her score, and if she was honest, she was starting to feel just a little patronised, even if he meant well.

Derek, who had just been about to pick up his own bowling ball, stood upright abruptly, letting the ball stay in its rest. 'I'm not letting you win, you're just good at it.' He winked at Meredith as he spoke and smiled. The evening had been a great success he told himself. He'd got to watch Meredith enjoying herself, and he'd got to see the way her trousers hugged her behind every time she bowled. Life was good. The only slight downer was his discovery that any bowling ability he had once possessed had clearly not decided to come with him when he moved to Seattle. Still, he thought, it was worth it.

'Derek', Meredith's voice grew a little more irritated. Now he really was being patronising.

Derek heard the tone of Meredith's voice. He knew immediately that she wasn't amused. She really did think he was letting her win. He sighed, facing her completely. 'I'm telling you Meredith, I'm not letting you win, you really are that good at this, I'm telling you the truth, I swear.' He held her gaze as he spoke, hoping that she would believe him. If she didn't he knew she would yell at him and the evening would probably be over.

Meredith saw the earnest expression in Derek's eyes. She wanted to believe him, she really did, but this was her first try at this, she couldn't really be that good, could she? She wondered how she could test him, how she could find out he wasn't just letting her beat him. It came to her, the question that she'd pushed into the back of her mind in the car earlier. 'Okay,' she sighed, looking up into Derek's eyes for any sign of him lying, 'when did you last go bowling?'

It took a second for Derek to think what she was doing, and to remember. He realised all of a sudden he was being tested. It reminded him forcefully that Meredith didn't trust him. He thought back, remembering times in New York when he and Mark, and sometimes even Addison, would go bowling. At first it was just for fun, and then it became a habit, one of the many rituals they went through to tell themselves they were all right, that everything was normal when it obviously wasn't. On looking back the bowling was one of the few times Derek felt really comfortable with Addison in the last few years of their marriage, it was something they did together even when he'd surrounded himself with work and the rest of it was falling apart. It was ironic, he thought, that the reason he felt so comfortable with her then was because Mark was there between them, almost acting as a go-between. It was equally ironic to think that a couple of months after the last time they'd gone bowling he'd found his wife in bed with his best friend.

Derek dragged his mind away from his thoughts, knowing Meredith was waiting for a reply. He sighed heavily. 'It's probably a couple of years since I've been bowling, maybe a little longer.'

Meredith took in what he was saying. A couple of years. It meant he used to go bowling in New York. 'So, you used to go bowling in New York, with Addison?'

Derek could see the connection Meredith was making. He was doing something with her he'd done with his ex-wife. 'Yes, but with Mark too sometimes, or just Mark on his own if Addison couldn't make it. It wasn't something we did as a couple, it was just something the three of us did to unwind.'

It was true, Derek remembered. Addison did go bowling with them, but it never meant anything to them as a couple. It was something the three of them, or more often he and Mark, did together because it was fun, an escape from their busy lives. Later, when Addison did start to go more often, it was a habit, something they did without much thought, and for Addison, probably a way of spending time with him that wasn't filled with awkward silences or bitter fighting, before even that was allowed to slip away and he consumed himself in his workload.

Meredith heard what Derek said. A small part of her seethed that Derek had brought her to something he used to do with his wife, it made her feel as if she was second best again, a feeling she was familiar with when it came to Addison Montgomery. Something else told her she was probably being stupid. Through the evening, amongst all the excitement of doing well at this thing she'd never tried in her life before, Meredith couldn't help looking around at some of the other people doing the same thing as them. She'd been amazed to see that Derek had been telling the truth in the car, that it wasn't just kids who did this, there were all sorts of people, including a few couples, so maybe the fact that Derek had done this with another woman first wasn't so weird, even if the other woman was his wife. Still, she couldn't help the next question that blurted out of her mouth. 'Was Addison good at bowling?'

Derek couldn't help himself. Something dim from the past, a long forgotten memory, stirred in his brain. He couldn't help the smile that cracked his lips, even when Meredith responded to it by glaring at him. 'No, Addison wasn't good at it.' He saw a doubtful gleam in Meredith's eyes, so he held back on suggesting that his ex-wife was bad at bowling because she didn't get much time to play. He sensed that saying that might not go so well, because when he suggested he went fairly often, Meredith would go back to her original thought, that he'd done this before, a lot, so he should be good at it, so he was letting her win, something that was absolutely not true.

Meredith felt a twinge of pleasure at the thought of being able to do something Addison was bad at. She pushed it away, another question coming to mind. 'How often did you go bowling in New York?'

Derek wondered for a moment if Meredith was telepathic. He was getting a really bad feeling about this. He knew he had to find a way to convince her he wasn't letting her win, that she was doing it all by herself. He sighed. 'Look, Mark and I used to go bowling quite often, as often as work allowed, we used to do it to relax, for fun', he deliberately ignored Meredith as she tried to interrupt him, 'Addison used to come with us sometimes, when she could make it,' Meredith tried to cut across him again, and again Derek ignored her. 'Mark was better at it than either me or Addison. He was better at a lot of sports than me.' Derek couldn't help the bitterness that rose up in his voice. He forced it away, made himself concentrate on what he needed to say. 'But it wasn't about being especially good at it Meredith, it was about having some fun together, it wasn't about winning, not really.' He didn't add that later, for him and Addison, it was also about doing something that meant they spent time together that didn't involve fighting.

Something about Derek's words began to break through the ice Meredith was building up inside herself. She knew Derek hated the idea of Mark being better at anything than he was. She knew he hated to be bad, or at least not good, at anything. The thought of Mark being better than him, even at this, would be hard for him and he'd admitted it to her. 'So you really aren't letting me win?' She asked the question again, needing to believe him now more than ever.

Derek shook his head firmly. 'I swear Meredith, I'm not letting you win, you're really good at this.'

'And you don't mind that I'm good at it, you don't mind that I'm winning?' Meredith knew how much Derek hated to feel as if he'd failed. She'd watched him enough in the O.R. fighting to save patients, to know.

Derek looked into Meredith's eyes. He knew this was important to her. 'That depends on whether or not you're enjoying yourself. If you are, then no, I don't mind. If you're not….' He left the thought unfinished, knowing that he was thinking that if Meredith wasn't enjoying herself with him, then he was losing for nothing because there wouldn't have been much point in continuing to play something she didn't want to be part of. Somehow it seemed to sum up their relationship. The comparison twisted his guts into knots, made his chest hurt.

Meredith considered it. Had she been enjoying herself? It occurred to her that during the whole evening she hadn't looked at her watch once. If someone had asked what time it was she wouldn't have had any idea. All she'd been interested in was bowling, knocking down as many pins as she could with each roll of the ball, and being with Derek, who'd seemed to take more interest in watching her play than in his own game. They'd laughed together, he'd congratulated her when she did well, she sympathised with him when he did badly, even if she loved the excitement of being good. The point was, if she was honest, she was enjoying herself, and it wasn't entirely down to the fact that she was winning. 'I am enjoying myself, I really am', she tried to smile at him, sensing that somehow this was important.

Derek sighed audibly. 'You are?' He just had to check.

Meredith couldn't hold back the grin that broke out across her face. Sometimes, she told herself, Derek was like her, just sometimes. 'I really am,' she affirmed, nodding. Then something crossed her mind. Her grinned turned into something a lot more competitive. 'But if you're not letting me win, and if I am really good at this, do you feel up to a little bit of competition?'

Derek frowned. Sometimes he struggled to keep up with Meredith, the way her moods could change in the blink of an eye. He saw the way her eyes were shining, the grin on her face that seemed to be challenging him. He couldn't back down from that. Still, he heard himself qualify what she meant. 'A competition?'

Meredith giggled. 'Oh you know, nothing too heavy, just a little something to make this a little more interesting', she wondered what she could use as an incentive, knowing perfectly well what the bait would usually be. Then, in a second, it came to her. 'The loser buys dinner for the winner, how about it?'

Derek saw the hopeful gleam in Meredith's gaze. He beamed in response. 'You've got yourself a deal.'

**A/N Wow, that surprised me. I really thought it was going to be a short little piece to finish off the chapter. I hope it was good though, and showed a little movement. I like to think it did, I certainly loved writing it. More soon. I have to write up their dinner, which continues on from this date, and probably a second date, which may or may not include a surprise. Please, humour me with a review, you know I love it.**


	33. Chapter 30

A/N Here I am back again

**A/N Here I am back again. It would have been sooner but we've had a spell of very hot weather in the UK and it was too uncomfortable to spend much time writing. To be truthful thinking was painful some days. Anyway, it is a bit fresher now so here I am.**

**I'm hoping the story won't take much longer now. If the plan in my head goes okay I think I have about another six chapters or so to go, but we'll see. I need to check and see if there are any ideas I've started and not developed. There are definitely a few twists and turns to go yet and it just depends on whether or not the plot behaves, but really, as weird as I'm sure it sounds to you, I can see the end in sight….sort of.**

**My thanks to those of you who reviewed the last chapter, or rather, the rather long end of chapter 29. It's lovely to see that I still appear to be picking up story alerts, which I assume must be from new readers. A few more reviews would be really helpful and would be a bit of incentive to write faster. All being well I shouldn't be interrupted too badly between now and September, so expect faster updates. Even faster still if you review. **

**I should just say that the bowling idea came from the brilliant AriaAdagio, who continues to be incredibly encouraging even in the face of her own writing awesomeness. I bow to her greatness!**

**Onward! Please, read and review. Enjoy too, but let me know you have.**

Derek Shepherd decided over the course of the evening that he was a genius. Oh, he'd always known he was good at surgery, brilliant even, with anything that involved brains, particularly brains with tumours, or injuries, or any other form of damage. But right there, in that bowling alley, for one brief moment, because even in the face of his own genius even he wasn't naïve enough to think it would last, Derek Shepherd knew he was great at dating Meredith Grey. Some, he told himself smugly, might even say he was awesome. After a rough start which somehow they'd managed to work out, they were having a good time, Meredith with the bowling and Derek because it gave him a chance to look at her, to watch the transformation that had taken place in her. It was an incredible sight.

Having accepted that Derek wasn't letting her win, she just had something of a natural aptitude for bowling, Meredith had lain down the gauntlet. A competition, loser buys the winner dinner. From the anxious bundle of nerves she'd been at the start of the evening, she'd changed. Now she was all fiery competitiveness, her eyes gleaming as she stared down at the pins like a cat waiting to pounce on a particularly tasty looking canary. Then, when she struck with the ball, she knelt almost on her toes, watching hawk-like as the ball crashed into the pins, the sound reverberating down the alley. She jumped up in one swift movement, bouncing on the balls of her feet, her hair flying around her face, the ash blonde cascading around her like storm clouds, whilst the light in her eyes was nothing less than glorious sunshine. She was magnificent. She was also, Derek mused as he watched her, utterly in her thrall, completely kicking his ass, and he didn't care. He _really_ didn't care. All he cared about for this one moment was standing in front of him, her features fixed in a level of concentration she usually reserved for the O.R. and it was because of him. Awesome, he reminded himself. He couldn't help the grin that broke out on his face almost of its own accord.

'You know, for someone who's losing as badly as you are, you look far too pleased with yourself.' Meredith's voice, filled with barely suppressed amusement, interrupted Derek's thoughts. Having taken her turn and pushed her score even further ahead of his, she was walking towards him, her steps almost skipping as she moved.

The smile on Derek's face widened as he took her in. He couldn't remember ever seeing her as relaxed as this. 'Oh, I'm just happy,' he supplied as she stepped right up to him, her lavender scent sweeping through him as he absorbed her.

Meredith shook her head, a quizzical expression suddenly framing her features, while the same suppressed laughter that a second before had bubbled in her voice suddenly flashed in her eyes. As much as she was trying not to, Derek knew she was laughing at him. He didn't care. He was awesome. But still, that slightly confused expression was forming on her face. 'You're happy to be losing, seriously?' She asked the question, a hint of something edging into her voice, uncertainty, nerves, Derek wasn't sure. The spark in her eyes was making it difficult to work out what she was thinking. All he could see was the light in her gaze. She dazzled him.

'I'm happy to be here having fun with you', he corrected her softly, edging closer to her, taking her in, and raising a hand to sweep an errant strand of hair off her face. She smiled at the gesture, watching his hand as it fell back to his side.

'You're being a sap,' Meredith giggled after a long moment when they stood, staring at each other, the sounds of the bowling alley falling away for a second.

'Don't care', Derek responded nonchalantly, looking deeply into Meredith's eyes, resisting the urge to reach for her. Somehow doing that now would break the spell they were in, he knew it. It didn't stop him wanting to though. Instead, he grinned.

Meredith smiled back in response to Derek's wide grin. She wondered for a moment how they'd always been able to do this, these weird moments when everything and everyone else just seemed to disappear. It was like being on an island where nothing else existed but them and it was good, until the real world broke back in and ruined everything. But, she told herself, she was there, and Derek was there, and they were having a good time. They were _really_ having a good time.

'You okay?' Derek asked after a moment of standing there grinning, feeling as if the whole world could vanish around him apart from her and he wouldn't care.

'I think so,' Meredith replied, nodding, 'but there is just one thing.'

Derek's brows arched in concern. 'What?' he asked, trying not to sound anxious, waiting for her to tell him instead of leaping to conclusions, while all the time his mind tried to work out what could possibly be wrong.

Meredith couldn't help herself, she giggled at the anxious look on Derek's face. He responded by looking even more worried. 'Do you think you could hurry up and take your turn so I can win?'

In that split second Derek's sudden anxiety vanished. He shook his head, struggling to hold back his own laughter. 'Competitive much?' he asked, trying to look serious and failing.

'All the best surgeons are,' Meredith replied brightly, watching Derek as he went to retrieve his bowling ball before coming back to her.

Derek bent, preparing to bowl. 'Who told you that, Bailey?' he asked, as he took his shot. He frowned when once again he missed most of the pins. Standing upright again he turned back to face Meredith.

'No, it was Burke, but I did have a bomb in my hand at the time, so I guess he could have said anything I suppose.' Meredith shook her head, remembering Burke's response to her asking him if this, this situation of a patient lying on the table with unexploded ammunition inside him was the weirdest thing that had ever happened in his O.R. Looking back, it seemed almost unreal, standing there talking over a body that any minute could literally explode.

Meredith's tone was still light, but it didn't stop her words smacking in to Derek. A feeling swept through him, a memory of a moment when Meredith's best friend told him that the girl in the next O.R. holding an unexploded bomb inside a patient wasn't some unknown paramedic, but Meredith. It was Meredith who was in danger, right at that second in awful, imminent danger, and he wasn't with her. Any second she could die, she could be blown apart and he wasn't there. It reminded him of later when he was searching for her, when he and Burke were safe, both their patients doing well and out of harms way, and all he could think about was finding her, just to know she was all right and alive and safe. He remembered pacing, feeling like an animal in a cage, his eyes everywhere, searching, looking for any sign of her, asking the Chief where she was, and suddenly finding two arms around him holding him close, her hair brushing his face as she clung to him, but there was no lavender. He remembered the crushing feeling in his chest when he realised he wasn't in Meredith's arms, but the woman who was holding him so tightly, as if for that one moment she couldn't bear to let him out of her sight, was his wife. Derek remembered the disappointment, the feeling in his gut that he had to see Meredith, even as Addison's grip tightened.

'Derek?' Meredith watched as Derek's face changed. Suddenly he seemed lost, caught up in something. Her voice broke the spell because he blinked and came back, from where she didn't know. 'Are you still with me?' She forced a smile to her face, sensing that something had just happened.

Derek blinked again, dragging his mind back to the present. He saw Meredith looking at him, an anxious smile curving her lips. He smiled in response, brighter. 'I'm always with you,' he said softly, 'now come on, hurry up and win so I can buy you dinner, I'm hungry.'

Meredith's face lightened again, her worry disappearing, whatever had just happened seemed finished. 'Do you think it's true?' she asked, as she knelt to bowl. She knelt down and focused for a second on the task at hand before releasing the ball. She watched as it sped towards the pins and smashed into them, knocking down most of them as it went. She'd won.

Derek saw the flash of joy back in Meredith's eyes, it distracted him from anything else. That look in her eyes was just….Awesome. 'Do I think what's true?' He heard himself ask the question, hardly able to remember what she'd said. All he could see was her eyes.

Meredith rolled her eyes wondering about the male ability to follow the course of a conversation. 'Do you think it's true that all the best surgeons are competitive?'

Derek beamed. ' All I know is that you've just beaten me into the ground at a game you've never played before and I think you enjoyed doing it.' His smile widened further when Meredith had the grace to blush a little in agreement. 'I also know better than anyone how great you are in the O.R.'

'So?' Meredith prompted, suddenly this was important. Suddenly, for a reason she couldn't work out, Derek's opinion mattered. She needed to know what he thought.

'So', Derek went on as they made a move to walk away from the alley, their game over, 'I can't speak for all surgeons, but I think it must be true for you.' He smiled as he finished speaking and looked into Meredith's eyes.

'You're such a sap,' Meredith said, though his words deepened her blush. Sometimes she didn't know how to deal with compliments. Never having been given many, she'd never learned how to handle them, always assuming they came from people who wanted something from her, something they could throw back at her when they'd had enough. Something inside told her this might not be any different, Derek might be raising her up to drop her again, he'd done it before. But for now, in this moment, Meredith chose to accept what he said. He thought she was a great surgeon, that's what he was saying. It was something from him she didn't doubt, something solid. Derek Shepherd, one of the foremost neurosurgeons in the world, thought she, Meredith Grey, was a great surgeon.

After taking the bowling shoes off and putting their own back on, the two linked hands again and made their way back to the car. They got outside seeing how dark it had become while they had been bowling. Derek inhaled the air, which seemed fresher after hours in the bowling alley surrounded by the smell of junk food and Meredith's lavender, not that he minded the latter. In response to the thought he pulled her closer, releasing her hand and slipping his arm around her waist as they walked. He smiled as she leaned in to him a little. 'So, did you enjoy bowling?' he asked, as they reached the car. Derek pressed the button on his key ring and the car beeped to let them know it was unlocked.

'I did, mainly because I won', Meredith giggled.

Derek rolled his eyes light-heartedly. 'Are you ever going to let me forget that you were that good on your first attempt?'

Meredith pretended to think about it, her eyes shining with mirth. 'Nope.'

Derek beamed and opened Meredith's car door, seeing her inside before he scooted around to his own side and got in, shutting the night air out, which seemed suddenly cooler in comparison to the warm bowling alley. 'Good, now where do you feel like eating?'

Meredith answered the question and Derek started the car which roared into life immediately. He pulled out of the parking lot and reminded himself that Meredith might have won the bowling, but he'd won something too during the evening. He was most definitely, absolutely, without doubt, awesome.

The short journey from the bowling alley to a small Italian restaurant Meredith wanted to try passed easily. A light rain was falling by the time they got out of the car again, they went inside quickly, the smells within reminding them both that they'd gone a while without eating. Without too much of a wait they were shown to a small table in a corner, almost hidden from view. After the noise of the bowling alley the secluded area was peaceful. They took their time glancing through the menu before ordering. While they waited for their meals, Derek knew he had something to say, something, if he was honest, he'd been putting off all evening. In the busy bowling alley that had been easy, then, when Meredith had started to enjoy herself he just hadn't been able to spoil her fun, but now it was quiet, the restaurant was only half full because it was getting late, and anyway, all the other guests were wrapped up in their own business. They wouldn't be interested in listening in. It was time.

'I'm glad you enjoyed the bowling.' Derek heard himself say, rather than getting straight to the point. Suddenly saying this didn't seem easy. It seemed so final, so definite.

Meredith smiled in response. 'Oh, I definitely did. I never realised it would be fun. I really did think it would be all kids, and we'd spend all our time being laughed at by people barely old enough to be out alone at night. Can we go again some time, you know, if we get chance, I mean, I know, we're both busy at work and everything but….?' Meredith rambled nervously, suddenly unable to help herself. It just felt all of a sudden as if something had changed. They'd been fine when they left the bowling alley and during the short trip to the restaurant, but suddenly, since sitting down to order, the atmosphere had become awkward, uncertain. It felt somehow as if they were waiting for something to happen. What that was, she wasn't sure. Past experience told her it was nothing good.

Derek allowed a small smile to creep over his lips as he listened to Meredith's ramble. She wanted to go out again, with him. She had enjoyed herself. The thought gave him the push he needed. 'Of course we can go again, any time you want. I…Meredith I need to tell you something.' There, he thought. He'd started.

'What is it, is something wrong?' Straight away Meredith was on alert. Something inside told her that this was it, that thing they'd both been waiting for since they'd sat down.

'I saw….' Derek stopped talking as their food appeared, a waiter putting it down in front of them and wishing them a good evening before shuffling away politely, obviously aware he'd interrupted them. Derek sighed, and went on, taking a second to collect himself. 'I saw Matherson again today just for a few minutes. I didn't have an appointment, he paged me this afternoon to let me know he wanted to see me.' Derek answered the question he'd seen in Meredith's eyes, why hadn't he told her he had another appointment with the urologist? He saw the look in her eyes when he told her that they'd met up by chance, he hadn't kept it from her. She looked relieved, just for a second.

'What did…What did he want?' Meredith tried not to worry, she tried to hold on to the thought of Derek not seeing Dr. Matherson again behind her back like she thought he had when he first spoke. Then she was worried. Derek had needed to see the urologist again, had been paged especially. This might be all right she told herself, this needn't be anything bad. Still, her heart pumped.

Derek could see the anxiety written all over Meredith's face. He knew he had to tell her. 'He just wanted to let me know he'd got the rest of my test results back, the bloods and stuff. He wanted to let me know the results.'

'Oh?' Meredith prompted him to go on, unable to think of anything else to say.

Derek sighed heavily. 'He confirmed what he already thought, that there isn't anything physically wrong with me. All the results show that other than _that_,' he emphasised the word, still finding it difficult to name the problem, 'I'm perfectly healthy, so…'

'So you're okay?' Meredith asked, sensing the relief as it washed over her.

'I'm okay', Derek nodded, 'but it means that we're no further forward. I suppose I was hoping that maybe the tests would show something after all, something that needed to be fixed, but now…' Derek knew what he was saying. Deep down, since he'd seen the specialist, he'd been hoping something would be found, a problem that could be dealt with quickly and easily. Now, in the light of the rest of the test results, their was nothing to find. It felt like being back at the beginning. He knew that was in his mind when he knocked on Meredith's door at the start of their evening. It was probably why he'd blurted out about the bowling, a desperate attempt to keep things light and easy before he told her his news. It was probably also why he'd over-reacted when she didn't exactly fall in easily with his plans.

Meredith smiled softly, unable to stop herself. She saw Derek look at her, confused, seeing nothing at all to smile about. It was just, she told herself, that this was something that meant the situation was as it had been for a while now. Nothing was actually worse, nothing bad had been found. But they'd been on a date, a real date, and it had been fun, and now they were talking, really talking. It wasn't so bad. 'We're dating.' She said the words softly.

Derek nodded again, almost struck dumb by the simplicity of Meredith's statement. For a second he was tempted to ask why she wasn't worried about what he'd said. Meredith taking things so calmly seemed….odd. 'We're dating?' He couldn't help the way his voice hitched.

Meredith could tell she'd taken Derek by surprise. He'd expected her to freak out. 'I…I just…' She struggled to find the right words. Derek was looking at her, waiting. 'It's just…we're on a date, and we've had fun, and well, maybe if we just have fun and relax things will just go back to the way they were before and we'll soon be able to…' She stopped talking, knowing Derek got what she was trying to say. The date had been good, really good, and maybe if they just dated and had fun, things would work themselves out. For once, just for a moment, she told the little voice in her head that kept on reminding her that once Derek got bored with her without the sex he would be off, to get lost. The date had been good.

Derek was taken completely by surprise. Meredith's reaction was the last thing he expected, but, he reasoned, she'd surprised him a lot lately. 'And you're okay with that?' He looked at her uncertainly, wondering when she would start to doubt, when this, dating and so on, wouldn't be enough.

'I'm okay with that.' For once Meredith knew she was speaking the absolute truth. The date had been good.

Derek allowed the uncertainty he felt to slip away. For now, in this moment, they were okay. They'd had fun, they'd relaxed in each other's company, and then they'd talked. It was good. Maybe it would be enough.

By the time Meredith and Derek left the restaurant the light rain had turned to a downpour. When they pulled up outside Meredith's house they'd had to dash for the porch, neither of them prepared for the weather. Once under cover Meredith turned to Derek as she reached for the front door. 'You could come in, if you want, for coffee or….' She smiled ironically, uncertain of what to say.

Derek knew in that moment that there wasn't anything he'd like more than to stay, for coffee, or for anything else Meredith was offering. Still, he told himself decisively, he was going. He had to. He glanced down at his watch. 'I'd better not, I have an early surgery tomorrow. Do you….Do you want to scrub in?' He hoped she would. Being near Meredith in the O.R. was almost as good as….

Meredith nodded, smiling brighter. 'I'd love to Dr. Shepherd', she looked at her own watch. 'I suppose if I'm scrubbing in with you early in the morning I should…' She turned her gaze towards the house.

Derek nodded. 'Sure, I'd best be going too, it's late and by the time I'm back at the trailer….' As he spoke he made no move to go.

Meredith took the front door handle in her hand, turning it to let herself in. She kept her eyes on Derek, reluctant to let him go. She reminded herself it was for the best, it was the right thing to do. 'Well, goodnight then Derek, I'll see you tomorrow at work.' She made no move to go inside as she spoke.

Derek grinned, unable to take his eyes off Meredith. 'Goodnight Meredith, I'll see you tomorrow.'

Sighing and dragging her eyes off Derek at last, Meredith forced herself to go inside. She opened the front door, hearing the hinges squeal in protest as it moved. She was about to go in when suddenly Derek moved, reaching for her. She didn't make any attempt to stop him when he pulled her into his arms and clamped his lips to hers. The kiss was warm and sweet, he tasted of tomatoes and herbs, and something else, something that was just him. Meredith responded to the kiss immediately, one hand going to Derek's chest, feeling the firm muscles beneath his clothes, and his heart as it pumped as rapidly as her own. Without thinking, the other hand was in Derek's hair, her fingers clutching the curls at the back of his neck. She was standing on her tip-toes now, straining closer for more, more of the kiss, more of him.

Meredith was just getting in to the kiss when it was over. Derek took his lips away, allowing Meredith to slide back onto her feet. He stepped back, licking his lips. He could taste the wine she'd drunk, a hint of garlic and her, always her. He had to fight not to reach for her again. He made himself step away, just a little. 'Goodnight Meredith,' he repeated the words from before, then, before he could change his mind, he turned and went to his car.

Meredith watched Derek go and sighed. Then, with a wry smile, she told herself she was turning into as much of a sap as him. Still, she watched the car until it was out of sight. Then, opening the front door wide, she slipped inside.

**A/N There we are, a fairly successful first date. Well, we can't have angst all the time can we? A little fluff never did anyone any harm. Not really. More soon.**


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